WIBU to tell her I basically disapprove of her favourite YouTube channel?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Not sure if this is AIBU really but posting for traffic. Unsure how to handle this.

My DD, 9, during a particularly fraught period of lockdown, relied heavily (far too heavily IMO) on watching a particular YouTube channel which revolves around a group of young adults commenting on playing video games.

It's innocuous enough really: not harmful or X rated, not violent and doesn't have adult or sexualised content. I dislike it though because I think its utterly mindless just a massive time vacuum: uninteresting, uncreative and I just think there are far better ways to spend your time. She spent far more time on it than I might have wanted during lockdown because I'm a lone parent and I needed undisturbed time to work my job is extremely intolerant of interruptions by children etc and I had to guarantee quiet time on conference calls etc. Now we're coming out of it and she's back in school/childcare, she does have other things going on in her life and I desperately want her to channel her energies elsewhere and am really encouraging her not to spend as much time watching this.

I really want to discourage it without discouraging it IYSWIM. She is very preoccupied with it and talks about it a lot. I'm totally uninterested in it and don't want to take up quality time talking about it. I try not to be actively disparaging but to gently change the subject or steer her away from it. But I know its not a great idea to pour scorn on something your kids are really passionate about.

This morning I lost it a bit. She was getting ready for school and started talking about it for the umpteenth time when I was trying to get her ready and I said, probably a bit sharply, basically, now you're back at school and back in the real world its time to move on from this: it eats a lot of your time and its uninteresting and I'm tired of talking about it.

I feel awful about my response: partly because its bound up with my own feelings of guilt about being a working mother and also because I don't want to put her down about something she loves. I know I didn't handle it well...

But I am so sick of it and having to feign interest in it the whole time and I genuinely feel that its a big drain on energy which could be so better directed towards more creative things.

Should I just zip it and let it wash over me? I've no doubt she will grow out of it at some point so maybe I just need to endure it. Or is there a place for parents telling their kids their energies are better spent elsewhere, particularly if it means family and friends are having to listen to discussion on a subject ad nauseam? I kind of feel that if she were an adult people would let her know if she was boring on about something to the point that it was difficult to tolerate. Where's the line?

it reflects poorly on me if all my daughter finds interesting in life is YouTube. It's such unmitigated rubbish, to be honest

You're basically a snob. I assume all of your entertainment choices are high brow and very intellectual.

@JKRsHandmaiden

Can you channel any of the enthusiasm for it more positively? Ie she writes a story or draws a picture with the characters, bake a cake in the shape of the logo or something? Anything? I'm not sure what the channel is but my older child is obsessed by something I find very boring and we try to play that out in other ways that are more interesting. I remember as a 10/11 year old making a Boyzone blanket. I was totally, utterly obsessed

I think YABU in that the stuff kids like can be dull or mindless to adults but YANBU to be totally fed up of hearing about the same thing for the millionth time.

I was obsessed with Space (the band) as a teenager and my G-d were my parents and brother sick of me going on and on about them all the time. I look back on my Space fangirl phase and cringe a bit. I had a friend who was obsessed with horses as a child. Lots of kids and teens go through phases where they're obsessed with stuff. It's pretty normal.

Also no-one is going to think you're a shit parent because your daughter watches Youtube. Like, are you upset that she doesn't want to do more 'wholesome' things like play with Barbie dolls or draw or something?

My DD was obsessed with same YouTube channel last year. She was 9. Thankfully, my constant remarks of how absolutely pointless such channels are, got to her finally and she stopped, or, maybe, she grew out of it.

BubblyBarbara If by snob you mean someone who wants to watch stuff with some value as opposed to just watching it for the sake of watching it then yes I am and won’t apologise for that.

Kids are bombarded with so much shite these days I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to filter it.

You are being a snob and seeing your daughter as an extension of yourself instead of her own person. She's allowed to like things you don't find worthy, in fact I hope she does, a kid who only likes stuff their parents approve of is going to do well with their peers.

You aren't wrong to gently steer her away from droning on about a single topic. Kids don't often realise when they are being boring to others and it's an important filter to have.

is *not going to do well with their peers

But how do you determine value? Its entirely subjective. What you find to be of value, I might consider to be utter dross and visa versa. It's far better to accept that we all like different things and to not impose our own ideas if value onto others.

@thepeopleversuswork

BubblyBarbara If by snob you mean someone who wants to watch stuff with some value as opposed to just watching it for the sake of watching it then yes I am and won’t apologise for that.

Kids are bombarded with so much shite these days I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to filter it.

So what do you want her to watch then?

Yanbu to feel the way you do, I occasionally have to tell dc that I have listened enough to whatever flavour of the month she is gabbing about and remind her that not everyone is interested especially not for long. I make no bones out of saying I am not interested, it might seem harsh but it brings her back down to normal levels of interaction.

I don't get the youtube game players either but some of them like DTM I approve of as sometimes they give good child friendly life advice and explain how to use the internet/youtube etc appropriately in between their game playing.

Overuse of youtube watching is the issue here, some routine will sort that out in no time.

With my boys I did have to tell them both at some point that it's important in a conversation to try and talk about something the other person is also interested in or at least has some knowledge of. It worked with the eldest bit it's a work in progress with the youngest. My daughter is also guilty of talking too much about one topic but hers is an awful pop band rather than gaming. It's a harsh thing to say but necessary in some cases.

OP just because you don't find something of value or highbrow enough for YOU doesn't mean you should dismiss it or look down on others who enjoy it or find it relaxing.

I see very little value in chasing a ball of any shape or size around a pitch, course or field. Golf, football, rugby, tennis, polo, whatever. I would find mindless and pointless. I don't care about it. I don't want to watch it or hear about it. However I'm not so completely up myself as to think it contains zero value for other people and they don't get a lot of enjoyment out of it. I don't really see this as all that different.

PhilSwagielka

Anything involving real people doing real things, I guess.

I can live with video games, particularly Minecraft, which seems quite cool and creative (less keen on Roblox). But the idea of living your life through video games strikes me as a bit sad tbh, in both senses of the word. There's a limit to much time you have in life and the more time you spend on virtual experience the less time there is for actual experience.

With typical drama: whether its for kids or adults, the narrative involves things that happen to actual people. The idea of tuning in to watch a bunch of people sitting around for hours on end eating junk food and commenting on other people watching video games does not strike me as life-enhancing in any way.

I get that a bit of it won't do her any harm but it depresses me that this is her default thing to want to do and that I have to bargain with her to do other things instead.

Shoot me if this makes me a snob, but that's just how I feel.

JKRsHandmaiden its not about it being "highbrow" or not, its about actual vs virtual experience.

The sport analogy is misleading. I also couldn't give a tinker's cuss about sport but I'd be very happy for her to watch/participate in any team games because its actual life: interaction with real people, tactics, confidence building, dealing with challenges.

Virtual life just strikes me as an endless series of cop-outs. Not ever doing anything in real life. Logging out when things are too hard. Talking to people virtually because you can't or don't want to talk to real people.

I don't think its harmful in small doses but it so often isn't small doses: it dominates everything, sucks time and drains children (and adults) of their ability to do or think about anything else.

How are people playing video games not real people doing real things? Also, you know you're...talking to people virtually right now? On an internet forum?

I get her boring on and on about it is obnoxious, my mum used to get fed up with me going on and on about Space or football or Sonic the Hedgehog. But YABU for acting like her watching some Youtube videos of people playing video games is the worst thing in the world. There's actual harmful stuff on there.

I absolutely hate Let's Play and don't see the appeal, I'd rather cut out the middleman and play the games myself, but this is reminding me an awful lot of the thread where the OP said her husband mocked her for playing the Sims and people were SHOCKED, SHOCKED I tell you, that she wasn't doing an approved hobby like keep fit or interior design.

I think if your child realised how much you dislike her choices she will soon stop sharing things with you. I certainly did with my mum.

I think it's really important to have some interaction with the things our children are spending their time on. I let my children show me how amazing the latest fortnite skin it, or congratulate them when they level up.

It does however sound like you have allowed YouTube to be all consuming, it's going to take time for your Daughter to connect back with other things.

You can't allow YouTube to be her life for months and then belittle her for the fact that it's all she has to talk about, that's your failing, not hers.

We have all probably made parenting choices that weren't ideal this year, I think you need to give your dd time.

PhilSwagielka I don't think its the worst thing in the world... I just think its depressing when something virtual becomes someone's primary hobby/pastime and they limit actual lived experience in order to spend time virtually. Sorry if you think that makes me a snob or a Luddite, its just how I feel.

And my observation is that with kids it does seem to be very all or nothing. They seem to find it very hard to limit themselves: once they are engaged in something like this they are very reluctant to choose an alternative activity. Obviously its down to you as the parent to enforce this, but does it not worry others that many kids will choose virtual as a default over actual?

Mumsnet isn't a direct analogy really: its goal oriented -- you go on to solve a problem or get an answer. You don't spend hours aimlessly on it.

lunar1

"You can't allow YouTube to be her life for months and then belittle her for the fact that it's all she has to talk about, that's your failing, not hers."

I had no choice. I am a single parent and my employer cautioned me several times for "unwarranted interruptions" to conference calls by my child. It was a total nightmare. It was literally the only way to allow me time to work uninterrupted. The alternative would have been her constantly being visible and audible on work calls.

What would you have suggested? That I lose my job?

You don’t need to be inspired by something that inspires a child.

My husband, a 32 year old man, loves watching people play video games and talk about them on YouTube. He’s also a very sociable, popular guy with a great job he excels at.

He’s not poorer emotionally or intellectually. He’s a wonderful person. His hobbies haven’t ‘rotted his brain’ by any stretch of the imagination.

You appear to know very little about video games or online communities. I would suggest you educate yourself before dismissing them. You are speaking from ignorance and it really shows.

My boys (8 and 5) are also obsessed with watching Jelly and Preston and Slogo and more as well as playing Minecraft. It was the only way we got through lockdown with me trying to work and their Dad locked in his office doing the same. They now have a bit of an addiction to it and yes want to have long conversations with me about what type of pet dragon I should have and why.

BUT they have learned a lot about geology (yes really!) and rocks and materials and the 5 year old’s vocabulary has come along brilliantly. This does sometimes means he sounds a bit American and will come out with some very random things. The other day we all got into a lift and very loudly in an American accent he said ‘This elevator sucks!’. It was very funny. I am hoping that going back to school will give them some more hobbies but I am trying to let it get to me.

Video games and the online communities around them are a positive thing IMO. They are talking to people, just like we are here, and they have a sense of belonging with people, often all over the world, who share a common interest.

I think you are being dismissive and believe me when your child becomes a monosyllabic teenager you’ll be longing for the days when she used to talk your ear off

Screen time i get you may want to limit, content (if not xrated etc.) is a personal thing and I find snobbish to have a problem with

I watch all sorts and although I don't watch soaps I have no issue with them, Same as i will never get my sons love of his YouTube content but I dont have to get it i am not watching it and its not adult content so I leave him to it

My 6 year old is obsessed with Unspeakable and treats us to a running commentary of everything he says/does - for some reason he cant grasp the concept that, if we’re in the same room and he’s not wearing headphones, WE CAN HEAR HIM TOO
Not sure which is most annoying - the inane babble coming direct from Unspeakable & co, or the regurgitated 6 year old version (always proceeded by “Muuum, can I tell you what Unspeakable did”) 10 seconds later

I think you've just got to let her get bored on her Own now. Because it served your purpose during lockdown, it meant you kept your job, and the sacrifice has been to her. She has become single minded about something that doesn't interest you, but instead of thinking "gosh X is boring" think "gosh, isn't X amazing for finding an interest in something and letting me keep my job? What a hero"

Throckmorton that's a fair comment actually I wouldn't disagree with this. I am fairly ignorant about this, partly because I'm incredibly bored by it and partly because I'm pretty busy and can't really justify spending tons of time on it. It's just another thing to find time for.

I know that in an ideal world I should get to know this stuff better but if I do have free time with my kid (which isn't all that often), I'm inclined not to want to spend it on stuff which a) I find boring b) I don't really want her to do anyway.

Maybe I need to accept that I just need to fake interest in it :(