Moved abroad and my anxiety is out of control

[Mum2prince]

I've recently moved from UK, to a beautiful country with a far better lifestyle than UK (prefer not to say where exactly). Though 2020 has been tough on the world, its got nothing on 2019. I was pregnant with hyperemesis, had a little one that I was extremely worried about in terms of development (hes improving everyday now🙂) I was in my second year of uni. My dh also lived abroad as he was offered the job of his dreams and we agreed it was best for him to go for it.

With the help of my mum and sisters I got through it and before long it was time for me to pack up and leave. My dh flew in to take us back and it was all very emotional yet exciting. After 2 weeks of being here the excitement has worn off.. and the loneliness has set in.

Me and dh were childhood sweethearts and still are fairly young couple, you could imagine our relief when we moved in together...right? All we do is bicker, i cant put my finger on it. I have separation anxiety and hes got a life, so que me getting angry when he wants to play footie with the lads. He gives me my "day off" but what on earth do I do with that i have no one here.

The time difference means I am in bed by the time everyone in UK has finished their work day and want to facetime. I'm upset with dh 99 percent of the time, I have anxiety/panic attacks crying fits and medication is not helping. I'm worried I may be pregnant though its too early to tell I've only just missed my period few days which doesn't mean too much as I'm fairly irregular. But if I am pregnant thats extra stress of me being in and out of hospital barely able to look after myself in a country where I have noone.

AIBU to feel this way? I've got a dream home, 2 lovely (active) dc, a dh who leaves me his credit card every day before he leaves for work. I feel people would die to be in my shoes. But I'm miserable, my mental health has taken a hit, constantly on edge and very lonely (especially since me and dh can barely enjoy each others company!!)

Oh bless you. It might be worth starting a thread on Living Overseas. Are there any local Facebook groups to you for expats?

You need to Join some local mum groups, get your kids into a nursery and meet some people. Most ex pat communities have women who are willing to build a strong bond quickly as you are in a similar predicament. It won’t just happen, you need to make it work for you. Search on Facebook for some local groups and get involved. Good luck . Oh and go to the doctors for a blood test ASAP if the country has a better lifestyle than the UK it should have better healthcare too.

@Longtalljosie no i don't use Facebook, social media is not really my thing. I've always been an introvert, so when my family and friends say " go and find mum friends when you take the kids out " I found that hard to do back home let alone now with the language barrier. Some days I think I will be lonely till I can converse with my little ones... that will be a while considering ds2 is 13months and ds1 is 3 with a speech delay

Sounds shit Op.
I’ve been in your shoes.
Do you speak the local language ?
Do you have any income of your own?
You’re young, isolated, encumbered by childcare, and (it sounds) financially reliant on a man in a country where you have no support network.
There’s no mansion or pool big enough to make that feel good.

@Clarinsmum to take the kids to nursery we are waiting for visas which are abit costly and take a little while to sort out. I was also hoping to get a job as I've just graduated but I have to find proper childcare before I can start and I also feel poorly, if I am pregnant it usually lasts the entire 9 months so no job for me. But was hoping that would be my main source of a social life

That's a lot to be dealing with - no wonder you are anxious and upset.

I think it might help to break down your worries. I know they're all interconnected, but picking them apart may help.

I'd say that being lonely is probably the biggest initial side effect of moving abroad. You have easy ways to start making friends though: through your dc and through uni (you said you were in your 2nd year?). Find some local toddler groups to attend. You don't mention a language barrier, so this would be a great way to start meeting people.

Do any of these lads your dh is playing footie with have kids? Start meting these families - they may be another way to find friends.

@Therollockingrogue that last line resonates with me so much! I'm finding it extremely difficult to rely on dh for everything (hes an angel about it but still) defo some resentment there which is probably why we aren't getting along. Was really hoping I could start a life here but its all looking quite complicated. I also can't drive which is a big part of freedom I believe. No amount of catching cabs is the same as strapping your kids in the car to explore. I'm off to the local mall today, its lovely and kids kids enjoy soft play. Then its straight home. And no i don't speak the local language.

Do you think your dh was used to living the single life before you joined him?

Maybe he needs to up his game. It's all very well leaving you his credit card every day, but actually I'd rather have love kindness and compassion tbh.

Can family come to visit? If necessary use his credit card to pay for it...

@Sidewinder30idewinder I've just graduated and hope to get my dream job as a teacher here at a British school. But because of corona I didn't get my grade yet and my graduation was cancelled. Cant start going to interviews till i have my transcript atleast.

Dh friends are mostly bachelors, I believe one of thems family lives in the UK and its long distance and another who's wife I've met briefly has gone back to give birth near her family.

Find a way to get into using social media. It is the best way to find out what is going on in your area. If you are introverted, it will also allow you to initially chat with people so that when you go to events, it is less daunting and you are expected there. I'm socially awkward and at one point was living in another country, I went on their local fb chat groups and put a call out for friends, essentially. Now I have friends there and could not have done without their help.

I think you need to revise your "no social media" stance. You can control how you use it. You don't even have to post on it, but it is so useful for finding out what is available locally, and if there might be any expat groups near you.

Cross posted with Crazy

Did you and your dh make any plans before it was decided you’d move abroad? Did you agree how these things would work? Has he gone back on things he promised?
I can see how it’s isolating for you, I am introverted too, and I would not want to be in a country with no friends and family, especially with young children. In what way did you imagine your situation would be different to how it has planned out?

@iMatter thanks for the LOL u sound very much like me. Dh is a family man well was but since moving here, to decompress hes taken up football and found a group on friends from uk . He comes straight home from work on weekdays and sice ive been feeling unwell i go straight to my room and leave him with the dc, Thursday he nights goes football with the boys and Friday and Saturday is the weekend here, we spend as a family. Saturday is reserved for me (when I do manage to pull myself together and find somewhere to bloody go). Weekends just now consist if bickering me being upset and angry. Dh is saying he goes above and beyond to make me happy and nothing works.. somedays I think hes right and some days I want to pack up and go home.

What you're feeling is normal, very common. I spent my first 2 years hating living here and wanting to return to the UK. But I settled once I learnt a bit of the local language and found my place here. It does take time.

If you can't work can you do language classes? Then you'd meet other people in similar situations (because they also don't speak the language), and as an introvert it might be easier?

What is worth noting is that he made the move back home, and is established.

You, however have moved abroad to a country whose language you don't speak. Your DH needs to get into his head that it's in no way comparable to his move to the U.K., nor his move home. I'm assuming too when he came to the UK he spoke some English and had a reason (uni, for example) to be coming, which gave him a social life.

He needs to understand that it's not the same for you in any way and your unhappiness is largely because you are not being supported.

I know many men who have done this sort of thing and the ones who finally understand it's very different for their wives are the ones who have happier wives..and lasting relationships.

Yes. If you don’t want to be chatty or whatever then at least follow some local shops , cafes, groups, hashtags on instagram, so you get an idea of what’s going on locally. It’s important to break the day up.
I also learnt this. So if you’re into say designer clothes, or you’re into boxing, or horse riding or whatever it is..... seek out the source of that joy first and foremost . You will meet likeminds in the types of places you love. Of course if there are expat groups you’ll meet a lot of women ( many feeling like you despite the initial façades), but don’t neglect your passions.

@CrazyToast and @Ginfordinner you guys are right there's no other way seeing my introverted nature I dont see myself striking conversations with anyone. Now with social distancing and face masks its even more difficult. I will look at opening my Facebook page, if I cant I may start a new one.

@Thingsthatgo we did make a plan, we seem to be sticking to it as best as possible. Few things like visa's (which are the gateway to everything) is taking awhile but everything else is going to plan. I've only been here for just over 2 weeks but my days are long as u can imagine. Family have promised to visit as much as possible hopefully spend Xmas with us. We are even moving to a bigger home to accommodate and have a guest room. Moving day in 2 weeks

A friend of mine moved to Oman a few years ago, it took a couple of years but she had built up a small network of friends now. I think you do need to get on social media, there are groups about for ex pats but you need to be able to find them.

I second the idea of finding expat groups. Finding expats in a similar situation to us really helped with settling in. You are all in the same boat, getting to grips with local language and officialdom. They are also used to people arriving and leaving so you will find a mix of new starters and old hands.

thanks @FatCatThinCat and @Therollockingrogue for the ideas.

@minimagician the thing is my dh is also from the uk, he moved here just for his job which is full of expats and he's also very friendly and outgoing and could probably find friends wherever he goes .

I'm the opposite and have always had a few close friends who have overtime become family, and my family who I'm close with. That's it really, which people find odd because in uni or in my days of working I was quite popular as I'm easy going. But those relationships never really stick and I rarely make lifelong friends, also my anxiety is like fuel to the fire as if one of you love people said I live around the corner let's go for a coffee now, I'd probably freeze up and find an excuse to bail.

Am I right in thinking this is two weeks in? If so, please try to calm down. 2 weeks for a life adjustment is nothing!

Is it your mental health making you feel so ill you go to bed as soon as your husband gets in? I would really push if you can to stay up and to go out together. Go for a walk after work with him and the DC, find a park or a pool or a cafe, whatever.

I’d break your social media stance too- you don’t need to be putting everything on Facebook, but it would help you build a network.

And finally, get a pregnancy test and get some contraception!! Now doesn’t sound the best time for you to be pregnant, so do something about it. Abstain, get your husband to use condoms, choose some contraception for yourself whatever it is, be proactive. Get that concern off your mind, or find out for definite either way if you are. If it’s a positive test you aren’t any “worse”
Off, if it’s negative you can take
Precautions and stop worrying.

@PurpleFlower1983 and @GnomeDePlume thanks, its really nice to know im not alone, and yes I'm getting the idea that I have to put myself out there and grow a pair. My god you are all so brave!!

I was in a similar situation I moved to DP home country and although English is spoken there I couldn't speak the other generally preferred local language. Like you DP had a job and an established group of friends and I was often left at home twiddling my thumbs. It took quite a while and a few incidents of me breaking down to get him to understand how hard it was to feel so isolated, once he understood he started to make much more effort introducing me to his friends wives, sisters etc. You need to sit down and explain calmly how you feel and what you need him to do to help.
Other things I found helped where taking a language class, exercise classes, attending any events taking place etc. Although I didn't make any friends this way the small interactions of a quick chat before yoga starts etc really helped.

Youve had a huge life change. You need to ground yourself. There will be things to do in the area you can get involved in. If youre pregnant, do you even want to keep it right now?
I think getting a facebook account just to follow local pages or as a tool to find just one or two friends or events would help you feel less alone.