Moved abroad and my anxiety is out of control

[Mum2prince]

I've recently moved from UK, to a beautiful country with a far better lifestyle than UK (prefer not to say where exactly). Though 2020 has been tough on the world, its got nothing on 2019. I was pregnant with hyperemesis, had a little one that I was extremely worried about in terms of development (hes improving everyday now🙂) I was in my second year of uni. My dh also lived abroad as he was offered the job of his dreams and we agreed it was best for him to go for it.

With the help of my mum and sisters I got through it and before long it was time for me to pack up and leave. My dh flew in to take us back and it was all very emotional yet exciting. After 2 weeks of being here the excitement has worn off.. and the loneliness has set in.

Me and dh were childhood sweethearts and still are fairly young couple, you could imagine our relief when we moved in together...right? All we do is bicker, i cant put my finger on it. I have separation anxiety and hes got a life, so que me getting angry when he wants to play footie with the lads. He gives me my "day off" but what on earth do I do with that i have no one here.

The time difference means I am in bed by the time everyone in UK has finished their work day and want to facetime. I'm upset with dh 99 percent of the time, I have anxiety/panic attacks crying fits and medication is not helping. I'm worried I may be pregnant though its too early to tell I've only just missed my period few days which doesn't mean too much as I'm fairly irregular. But if I am pregnant thats extra stress of me being in and out of hospital barely able to look after myself in a country where I have noone.

AIBU to feel this way? I've got a dream home, 2 lovely (active) dc, a dh who leaves me his credit card every day before he leaves for work. I feel people would die to be in my shoes. But I'm miserable, my mental health has taken a hit, constantly on edge and very lonely (especially since me and dh can barely enjoy each others company!!)

OP actually that only marginally changes what I'm saying then. It's not his country, BUT he moved straight into a job and social life - newcomers are always invited out. You didn't. This is normal for "trailing spouses" - not a nice term but it accurately describes this part in the transition.

Yes, you need to find a way of putting yourself out a bit, but he has to understand too that you are in entirely different situations. And presumably he loves you for your introversion too so he knows that about you.

You're not alone in how you're feeling. It's a horrible situation - made worse by everyone at home thinking you're super lucky for your luxury lifestyle.

It's one of the most stressful things you can do! Give yourselves time. It takes a year, really to even get the beginnings of a network. In the meantime be kind to yourself and compassionate with each other. In a few months you might have the kids in nursery, some new friends and volunteering in your new career. Make a list of things you'd like and keep putting yourself out there.

@corythatwas I can only imagine going through this with financial difficulties would be even harder sonwell done to you. Seems you made the best of the situation and have given me the motivation to want to start building something for myself bow rather than later.

@minimagician you are so right about everything you said! Especially about ppl back home that won't hear a bad thing i have to say because of my new "luxury lifestyle" mainly y im in here ranting. And being a trailing spouse isn't a bad term, just need to find my own here, fingers crossed x

@AutumnLeavesSeptember defo where id hope to be in a few months! Volunteering sounds great and not yet something I'd thought of. Thank you

I think this is probably a very normal reaction. I moved to the UK to live with dh before we got married (before that we'd mostly lived on other sides of the world except for about the first 9-12 months that we were dating). We were still childfree and young and had easy lives back then, but it was quite an adjustment, even without the pressures of parenting and COVID. My work was remote (back in my home country), I couldn't drive initially and we lived in a very rural area. It was also the first time we'd ever actually lived together as opposed to staying with each other for a few nights or a few weeks here and there. It was a really big change. It took me about 6-12 months to full settle in and feel happy where I lived. It's 10 years later and I'm very happy and have a full life and career here and all is well. I would be gentle with yourself, ask your dh to be home more to support you (footie with the lads can be missed for a couple months while you get used to your new home together), and give it some time.

@mindutopia thank you so much!!!

I've moved to random different countries over the last 20 years for work, so slightly different, but have still had to find new things to do and new friends.
If anywhere in the Middle East then there is a forum for expat women which has sections for mums .. social clubs, child care etc, if you go to church I believe there are opportunities to meet people, language classes have been mentioned before though unlikely to be running at the moment.
Retraining could be a possibility, the CELTA would give you the opportunity to teach English (once your Visa is sorted)and if there's a British Council there they will often hire hourly paid teachers.
Obviously though nice to have other expats, the locals can be lovely once you get past the initial stage and you'll often find yourself being invited to family events, yes, at first its difficult but language problems can be overcome.

Just wanted to update just incase anyone who is going through similar things to what I was reads this. I have settled in well, got my drivers licence, got my dream job, and homelike is going really well. Im gobsmacked at how some people on this thread spoke to me especially seeing as my mental health was not okay and I saw mumsnet as a safe place. Alot was being said about my poor dh who was doing the best he could, thankfully I could see that what people were insinuating couldn't be further from the truth.

To everyone who called me a trailing spouse, everything I had acheived I did because of my dh settling here, making sure everything was in place for us and working hard everyday. Im so grateful for everything. I can now see my anxiety/social anxiety was isolating me and making everything seem far worse than it was. I was also speaking from a point of severe homesickness, I'd be crazy to ever want to even go back to the UK (no offence, just in terms of quality of life).

To all of you you who genuinely took the time to help me and be constructive in what advice you gave me I thank you . To a few of those miserable sods who tried to put their own insecurities on me, shame on you! The title of my thread should have been enough for you to not trigger me let alone go out of your way to tell me about my life lol.

@Mum2prince - firstly, give yourself a pat on the back! Relocating in the middle of a pandemic with small children is an epic undertaking. Well done for getting through it. DH and I have moved countries five times, and it is a hugely stressful undertaking. In my experience, the husband goes to work, where he makes friends and interacts with other people, and the wife is left in a strange house, trying to make it a home, entertaining young children without the usual support groups, and desperately lonely. Yes, your DH has been great in terms of childcare and ensuring that you are financially secure - but you are still in a strange country, feeling lost and lonely. I completely understand that. All I can say is that it does get better. Hang in there. Do you have neighbours you could meet? As other posters have said, once your little ones go to school/nursery you will meet other mums, which will help.

There is lots of good advice here about settling in. However, much of it is based on pre Covid times. We relocated to Hong Kong last year, and all the usual coffee mornings, exercise classes, meet and greet events are cancelled because of COVID. Likewise meeting other mums at school - schools are closed, so I haven’t even met the teachers, let alone other mums. Anyway, I don’t know where you are, but I just wanted to give you a heads up that even if you do go on social media, lots of usual events are cancelled.

Moving countries is stressful and lonely at the best of times - made much worse by the pandemic. You’ve done amazingly well to get this far. Don’t be hard on yourself, and stay strong 🤗

@Mum2prince - sorry, I posted before I saw your update above. I am so glad you have settled in and are doing well. Good for you 🤗

2 weeks is so so early and the pandemic doesn’t help. Having been in your position several times, it will get better and you will meet friends but you have to put yourself out there.

Join Facebook, go to a class with your children (singing, tunblings tots, storytime- anything really! Have a plan for a few days a week to attend with your children and an organized activity for yourself on other days. Say yes to any invitation that’s extended to you and your family. You can do this!!!

Oh wait I just saw your update!!! Sounds like you are in a great place now. Congratulations

@Jillypots @Canuckduck thanm you both so much! I thought I would update as I didnt think things could change for the better in such a short amount of time, and it may give hope to someone going through something similar.

I struggled to make genuine connections even when I did put myself out there. Thankfully after starting work I've met a quite a few girls I consider to be friends with. Thank you both x

Well done, OP!
Great news!

I’m really happy that everything is working out well. I’ve been there and it isn’t easy. Well done xxx

I don't think it sounds like a dream life at all, but it is best to make the most of it and try and make it work. Living overseas is always billed to be amazing, but for many it does not live up to expectation.
You are young enough to stay there or move back, either way give it your best shot and enjoy your children they are only tiny once. It is not worth being miserable!

Glad you're settled now op. A useful update for those in a similar position.