Moved abroad and my anxiety is out of control

[Mum2prince]

I've recently moved from UK, to a beautiful country with a far better lifestyle than UK (prefer not to say where exactly). Though 2020 has been tough on the world, its got nothing on 2019. I was pregnant with hyperemesis, had a little one that I was extremely worried about in terms of development (hes improving everyday now🙂) I was in my second year of uni. My dh also lived abroad as he was offered the job of his dreams and we agreed it was best for him to go for it.

With the help of my mum and sisters I got through it and before long it was time for me to pack up and leave. My dh flew in to take us back and it was all very emotional yet exciting. After 2 weeks of being here the excitement has worn off.. and the loneliness has set in.

Me and dh were childhood sweethearts and still are fairly young couple, you could imagine our relief when we moved in together...right? All we do is bicker, i cant put my finger on it. I have separation anxiety and hes got a life, so que me getting angry when he wants to play footie with the lads. He gives me my "day off" but what on earth do I do with that i have no one here.

The time difference means I am in bed by the time everyone in UK has finished their work day and want to facetime. I'm upset with dh 99 percent of the time, I have anxiety/panic attacks crying fits and medication is not helping. I'm worried I may be pregnant though its too early to tell I've only just missed my period few days which doesn't mean too much as I'm fairly irregular. But if I am pregnant thats extra stress of me being in and out of hospital barely able to look after myself in a country where I have noone.

AIBU to feel this way? I've got a dream home, 2 lovely (active) dc, a dh who leaves me his credit card every day before he leaves for work. I feel people would die to be in my shoes. But I'm miserable, my mental health has taken a hit, constantly on edge and very lonely (especially since me and dh can barely enjoy each others company!!)

It’s also probably helpful to look at the trajectory of culture shock as mapped on graphs!
You can google it.
I can’t remember quite how it goes but your experience isn’t unique really.
It’s something like
Stage one. Everything’s better in this spangly new place (can last only one day or so )
Stage two . Everything’s better back home.(can last a long time)
Stage three. There’s shit in equal measure everywhere but I can maintain some sort of equilibrium in my reaction to it.

It's very early days and I think you are being too hard on yourself. As others have sid, you may not even be over the jet-lag properly yet. There's also a massive culture change.
Just take things one step at a time. Every little achievement is a step in the right direction. But do try to meet a few people.
Do keep communication lines open with your husband, even if it's just to say that you are aware you are being horrible, that you don't know why and that you don't want to be like that.
Good luck!

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite yes I do realise what I wrote is materialistic other than dc. Thats exactly why I did, money is not every thing but we do want to do well and have enough especially with kids. I grew up on a council estate when I was younger and so did my dh, infact he was raised by a single mum. Plus I posted on the AIBU thread so it felt fair to write my pros and cons.

Regarding my "day off" its always been a phrase we used since ds1 was born, he has a day off (sun) and I would take Saturday as mine. Weekdays we'd split and Friday we would spend together. None of our friends have little ones so we had to take turns to go out. Just bringing those same rules here infact he doesnt have a day, he has a evening after work, a family day and then my day. Dont know if it was my wording but alot comments on the way dh treats me, I think im well looked after .

Dh has tried but im not really up for it, which I know is wrong of me to say but I dont want to be forced into social interaction with his friends wife. I feel crappy atm plus what if I just dont like her? Hope to get to a point where I can make friends organically.

We do have a family clinic im off to see them on the weekend which is Friday for us so hopefully all goes well and I get help. Everyone can facetime on the weekend and its the weekdays I struggle the most!

I think it's very difficult to know what your dream is until you've actually tried it. Look at how many people have moved to a cottage in the countryside only to find themselves bored and lonely.

OP is still at a very early stage of a brand new life. It's too soon to tell if this will work out for her or not.

You mentioned that your DH would do the same for you if you were in a position to earn more than him. I was just trying to point out to you that your DH is highly unlikely to ever find himself in a position where he would do the same for you.

Its 2020 we can have it all.. good luck and I hope you do find it all.

I just think that right now, your husband has it all and he is not listening to you and your anxiety is screaming at you are not at ease.

Moving is a shock, as is having young children. I do hope you find some balance in your life.

I’d hate to be in your shoes so I’m not sure you have the dream life you think you have. Don’t fall for the idea that a husband, nice house, no job = happiness. For many people that means boredom & drudgery. Find your own happy.

I honestly would go back to Facebook - just short term to get yourself going.

@Aweebawbee my thoughts exactly. I posted on my AIBU to see if my feelings were normal and its seems alot of people have been through similar.

But as I stated I have been here for 2 weeks, I didnt move sooner so I could finish my degree and get a job here when settled down. Some comments seem to look down on being a stahm, i think there's nothing wrong with it, but its just not for me.

@ChateauMargaux how would you know? You don't my dh. Whether or not he would make a move this big for me if i was the main breadwinner, we have spoken about it and he would have less of a problem then I would (dont want to HAVE to work and spend less time with my kids) I felt in ur comment you were projecting your feelings onto me, almost warning me? Like I said everyone is different, I would never want to be the main breadwinner, I suffer from hyperemesis when pregnant and anxiety I would probably lose my job and we'd be lovong in a hostel! And I said its 2020 we can have it all.. i meant whatever it is that I want or you want. We clearly have different goals and way of thinking. Oh my anxiety is "screaming" because its alot, allot of blessings and alot of change. How is it that my dh is not listening to me? Enlighten me?

@blue25 if i thought my life were so perfect would I have posted for help? I must say myself theres alot of potential for it to become my 'dream life' because everything u have listed is all I've ever wanted. Maybe if I didnt suffer from anxiety it would be a different story. This life with my mum and a few close friends would be amazing, but life doesn't work that way does it? I move back for them and they leave me to get on with their life? Do you suggest I go after them? Seeing my kids live a life they wouldn't be able to.in the uk makes it all worthwhile. And its never going to be too late to discuss moving back as my husbands current project ends in April, he can choose to leave or take another. Its the nature of his job. So we've discussed it an drake it into consideration.

Some people really think they know the in outs of my life by one post? Blimey!! Still all the answering questions have somehow made me feel better , so thanks for that

Taken*

‘Dh has tried but im not really up for it, which I know is wrong of me to say but I dont want to be forced into social interaction with his friends wife. I feel crappy atm plus what if I just dont like her? Hope to get to a point where I can make friends organically’

Mmmm. Honestly it doesn’t happen so easily, making friends organically, as a sahm expat.
Anyway organically grown friendships take time.
The best approach is to accept that from all social interactions you’ll probably learn something, even if it’s just the best place to get a good coffee or the name of a good childminder . Having high expectations from meetings with new people is a road to doom and misery! Get yourself out there and meet lots of people. You may find a friend or two out of hundreds . Like dating, it’s a bit of a numbers game. This kind of networking may also be useful on a professional level, particularly if the British school community is fairly small where you are. If it goes absolutely tits up and you end up in a cliquey judgey expat toddler group with competitive designer furnishings and two year olds with five languages (As i did lol) you at least have a funny story to bring to the dinner table at the end of the day. Something to laugh about with your partner.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite and @SavoyCabbage understand its not all the kids. But it's a major part of my happiness, their quality of life, private schooling etc. For me to have extra help around the home
All of these things are amazing to me, I won't go on but im sure u get it. Im hoping to settle so I can feel happy within myself, and i will do. A big part of me being happy is being stress free, and this lifestyle is quite easy going. Lol my anxiety was giving me irrational thoughts, but as every sane person has told me on here, its been 2 weeks?!

@Therollockingrogue definitely get where u are coming from, I will keep that in mind. Im often the type of person to tell someone they're lipstick looks lovely on them despite being an introvert. Hopefully I'm able to start being more open once I feel better x

OP, try not to take what some people are saying to heart, what you're experiencing is totally normal culture shock. The first time I moved abroad I spent weeks in bed crying every night. Everything was just so different. By the end of a year it was like I'd always been there and I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. Don't be hard on yourself.

Get on facebook, there are loads of expat mum's/expat groups with people facing the exact same thing you are.

It's also totally normal to have trailing spouses here. In my case it was my DH. Again, don't pay too much attention to people who haven't experienced it.

@Mum2prince feel free to PM me

Thanks @IamTomHanks, just feel bad for dh as I feel some people are painting a negative picture of him. Poor things hard a work oblivious . Thoroughly enjoyed the people who have made senses advice.

@Pikachubaby thanks!

I think your DH sounds pretty good actually - he goes to football one night a week but otherwise is home and is more than happy to take the kids for you to have some time off.

Agree with PP that it's only been two weeks so you do need to cut yourself some slack. On your day off, take some time for yourself to do whatever it is you enjoy - go swimming, shopping, get a massage, go horse riding whatever. Just think of something you like doing and book it.

And then yes, you need to just go along to things to meet people. There will inevitably be ex pat lunches, days out, kids events etc. It's torture, but it's the only way!

I spent five years in the UAE, although I moved out single and was working so a little different. I've just moved home & now in similar situation to you.
From my experience, it's generally easy to get chatting to other UK people in the Gulf BUT you do need to put yourself out there. Get on fb, even if you put no details on it & join the local community & Mum groups, there will be plenty. It'll seem like everyone has it all together & knows they score but they don't! They'll help you. You don't need to be best friends with these women just see them as a helping hand to get out of the house & get chatting!
Once you've visas & all sorted, you will make friends through nursery & stuff too, but some of the mothers can be very competitive!
My top tip is don't think of it as looking for your friends for life or 'your crowd', that'll happen in time naturally, you just need people to stop you being lonely! It's a very transient lifestyle, untimely you & your husband have to rely on each other. But enjoy the company of others.
Next, you said that your husband had made friends through his work. Get him to invite them round or arrange a meet up somewhere & get them to bring their other halves maybe. With so much of your community being centred around work, a lot of people make friends this way.
There's always the apps too, like meet up if you are into something specific like fitness or art or whatever.
I know in Abu Dhabi there's a british club & prob something similar in a few more gulf places that seems to attract a uk crowd. Maybe look into joining something like that.
2 weeks is nothing! You've just uprooted your life & now it's all weird, that's normal! It would be stranger if you didn't feel like this.
It's raining here, it's probably over 40degrees & sticky as hell there but in a few weeks it'll be nearly perfect out there & it'll still be raining here...just remember that!

Social anxiety is horrible but you will never be happy there until you push through it, I was similar I would feel sick before every bbq, dinner party, picnic etc and I would dread having to make small talk. I got a bit of a reputation for liking the wine because I used it as my crutch, wouldn't recommend that but by forcing myself to go I slowly got to know his friends wives, sisters, parents etc and felt like I was also part of the community and then developed a few independent friends with people I met at such events. Even if you don't become best friends with anyone it's nice to know you can go to a gathering and at least have a few friendly faces

@SpaceOP I honestly don't think I'd be as hard on him if I had my own social life. I cling on to him with dear life because he's my only sense of security. That defo needs to change. And I've also downloaded Facebook so wish me luck!!

I know in Abu Dhabi there's a british club & prob something similar in a few more gulf places that seems to attract a uk crowd.

There's Abu Dhabi Mums groups on facebook, Dubai mums and Dubai expats and Dubai British expats. LOL. I meant some great friends off abudhabiwomen.com and when I was in Qatar, met a bunch through qatarliving.com, there's also I Love Qatar.

LOADS of stuff.

@allhappeningatonce wow u are am expert! Thanks for the advice taken it all on board. LOL at the competitive mums rolls eyes I feel like alot of the lifestyle here is a facade, still its nice to enjoy the finer things in life along as ur still grounded. And the heat omg i dont know wht I didnt mention it before! It completely is a big factor to why we can't go for walks or parks though dh tells me the weather is going to be very lovely soon for autumn and even winter so I'm looking forward to that.

I moved overseas in 2010 although I did return five years later. I moved to Australia, so I knew the language but I felt like a fish out of water. The simplest things like buying a bus ticket were a challenge. I literally walked around in a daze for the first three weeks.

You have only been there for two weeks, it would have been extraordinary to have found yourself fully settled in by now. Nobody does that quickly. It takes much much longer than that and I don’t think you should panic at feeling unsettled.

My settling in was aided by going to work which helped set a sense of normality and I think you need to start to find what is your normality. I would try and get to language classes as a starting point, then some kind of mother groups, join a gym, is working part time an option?

But don’t panic, it could be a year before you start to feel settled.

@needAbackBone1 that's exactly how I feel, whats worse is I've got ptsd coz I've met some 'outspoken' not so polite people in the past when when dh or my mum (both extroverts) introduce me to friends wives or daughters in mums case. But Iust push through

No one is looking down on SAHMs, there are pros and cons, financial dependence being one of the main cons.

OP, this was me 25 years ago- except that my move was to dh's country and that unlike you, we were poor so even a bus ticket into town was something that had to be planned for. On the upside, I wasn't ill, so many things were no doubt easier for me. But the first 2 or 3 years were very lonely ones.

What I did find was that being in a different country required a bit of a different take on the whole making of friendships thing. Nothing happened organically: I had to be open and make things happen.
(Of course we didn't have covid, so that made life easier.) Meeting dh's friends was one way into this new culture, finding out what other parents did was another. I joined a baby group and eventually set up a toddler group myself. I got a job as soon as I was able. I also did more things with dh than I might otherwise have done. Rather than having individual days off every week, we did a lot as a family. And later on, when other things got difficult, that closeness from shared memories stood us in good stead.

Looking back, I wish I had been quicker off the mark and more pro-active. I am very happy with my life now, but it could have happened earlier.