Moved abroad and my anxiety is out of control

[Mum2prince]

I've recently moved from UK, to a beautiful country with a far better lifestyle than UK (prefer not to say where exactly). Though 2020 has been tough on the world, its got nothing on 2019. I was pregnant with hyperemesis, had a little one that I was extremely worried about in terms of development (hes improving everyday now🙂) I was in my second year of uni. My dh also lived abroad as he was offered the job of his dreams and we agreed it was best for him to go for it.

With the help of my mum and sisters I got through it and before long it was time for me to pack up and leave. My dh flew in to take us back and it was all very emotional yet exciting. After 2 weeks of being here the excitement has worn off.. and the loneliness has set in.

Me and dh were childhood sweethearts and still are fairly young couple, you could imagine our relief when we moved in together...right? All we do is bicker, i cant put my finger on it. I have separation anxiety and hes got a life, so que me getting angry when he wants to play footie with the lads. He gives me my "day off" but what on earth do I do with that i have no one here.

The time difference means I am in bed by the time everyone in UK has finished their work day and want to facetime. I'm upset with dh 99 percent of the time, I have anxiety/panic attacks crying fits and medication is not helping. I'm worried I may be pregnant though its too early to tell I've only just missed my period few days which doesn't mean too much as I'm fairly irregular. But if I am pregnant thats extra stress of me being in and out of hospital barely able to look after myself in a country where I have noone.

AIBU to feel this way? I've got a dream home, 2 lovely (active) dc, a dh who leaves me his credit card every day before he leaves for work. I feel people would die to be in my shoes. But I'm miserable, my mental health has taken a hit, constantly on edge and very lonely (especially since me and dh can barely enjoy each others company!!)

@Takemetothebar you sound like my dh, yes 2 weeks is a short amount of time, but my mental health makes me feel like it's all doom and gloom.. i guess.

Regarding pregnancy/anxiety a trip to the doctors is definitely due. And i agree completely that if I am then its not the end of the world, but if I'm not its really not a good time!

Your DH was not exactly a ‘family man’ if he moved abroad for a job he wanted when you had one DC, were unwell, studying and pregnant. He’s had a long stretch of living and working as though he had no DC, to your detriment.

And doesn’t sound like he’s ‘an angel’ now.

You’re a ‘trailling spouse’ with 2Dc, one a baby/toddler, and don’t have the option to do paid work? So are financially dependent. That’s v v stressful circumstances and a huge power imbalance in the relationship.

Did you/do YOU actually want to live and work where you now are? Or are you just doing so to keep your DH? (Who it seems v unlikely would do similar for you).

Can you work with your visa?

Would get a pregnancy test so you know where you stand. If not pregnant, would be ultra careful about contraception.

If you do want to stay, learning to drive seems important.

You don’t need to visit the doctor for pregnancy testing.

What you're experiencing is totally normal, but if you want to meet people you need to get on social media/local discussion boards and go to mum's groups.

It's surprisingly easy to meet people overseas, even for introverts, because so many people are in the same boat as you.

Given you say the weekend is Friday/Saturday I'm guessing you're in a Gulf Country, which means you shouldn't worry too much about learning the language. Everyone speaks English and the Arabic you need to know, you'll pick up easier if you learn it as you go.

@Branleuse yes its been a huge life change , last summer when I just had my ds2 we spent 3 months here with dh and it was a lovely time. I then came back to complete my last year of uni and dh would come to visit us. I suppose I'm scared im stuck in holiday mode. Yes its nice to go out and chill all the time but not what I want as a lifestyle iyswim. And if I am pregnant, both my other dc came at very odd times in my life despite being on the pill!! But I wouldn't have changed a thing now, cliche as it seems they r my joy.

In a firm kindness sense OP, go on. You said yourself, a wonderful lifestyle lays ahead if you can grasp it. If this move isn’t for you, then fine, BUT give it a good go first. Don’t give yourself any reason to feel guilt in the future- no “we moved back because I didn’t like it, but I know deep down I wish I’d worked more at it”.

International moves are tough! Tough on the sparkliest outgoing people, very tough on people who find it harder to make new friends.

Just bare in mind, if you join some ex pats activities with other women, no matter how in control and happy half of them look a) some of them are faking it and b) nearly all of them felt a bit like you in the beginning.

As an introvert who emigrated, I'm afraid you absolutely have to put yourself out there to make friends, fake it till you make it if you must. I put up a post on a local facebook group saying I was new to the country and would like to meet people, so I would be in a certain coffee shop at 10 am. This was stratospherically outside my comfort zone but 15 women turned up! Seven years later I'm still close friends with two of them, and in touch with a few more. Also, if language is a barrier, you really need to learn it asap. But really, you need to get on social media, you are missing out on a lot of meet up opportunities that way, and see what meet up opportunities are out there. Its not easy I know, but moping in your room won't help either. And give it time, moving countries is hard. But give it a chance.

Hey, I really sympathise OP, I have been where you (PND, child with speech delay and a baby... whilst DH had a life)

I really needed baby group meetings with other mums who spoke English, I could not find a ready made group so set one up through the embassy. I also just chatted up other European looking women with small kids in the street

I also did things for my hobby to meet local people, invited neighbours etc etc

Lots of dead ends but also a life line as you need a support network in your every day life

I got through it ok, but really focussed on meeting new people and keeping contact with home more limited (once a week). I also found a small job teaching English and met some lovely local people that way

We then moved to get another country and I had to do it all again...

IMO it takes a whole year to get “settled” and about 2 years to feel at home and have proper friends, so give yourself time

The credit card is no good, you need your own account where some of the money goes so you never feel trapped or beholden

I needed a “running away fund” just so I did not feel trapped

Best of luck and hope it works out

It's been two weeks, so you need to give it more time to feel comfortable, everything is going to feel chaotic as you don't have a routine and everything is new. you really need to throw yourself into language classes, it will be good for meeting people as well and as pp have said, use social media to discover local groups, expat groups etc

Learn to drive! I learned to drive in a crazy South American City and it was freedom

Hi @Mum2prince fellow ‘expat’ here. And despite all the lovely things it’s also tough. I would Second the comment about joining some local online groups. A support system beyond your DH will help. You can find that using local groups - usually Facebook.
There is also a Facebook group called two fat expats. Has people all over the world. Very kind and helpful. You can even post anonymously.
I hope things get better for you, it takes time. Don’t be afraid to find a doctor who understands your perspective and ask for some help - therapy can be useful in these situations.

If I understood this right OP, a barrier to you doing some activities is the childcare? Until your visa is sorted it's going to be difficult to go to language or exercise classes, meet locals for coffee etc. In that case whilst you wait for the visa I would research the classes and things to do and register, get it all ready to go for when you can do them.
It might seem pointless but I find this kind of thing gives me a sense of a control and a handle on my anxiety that way.

@Dozer my dh may not be favourite person right now but you should know there is 2 sides to every story and this is just mine. Although I didn't know what I was getting myself into at the time i was onboard with him going for the job. I'm 25 and he's 27 most people our age do not know what it's like to build a family at a young age and we would both do anything for our kids. We agreed 18 months apart for a hopefully a lifetime of financial stability was worth it.

I moved in with my mum, had childcare for the children emotional and financial support from dh. Believe it or not living in his own wasnt fun for him especially since he's a great dad to his boys.

Funnily enough I've always wanted to live here and I know teachers from uk are well payed here. And LOL dh may well be willing to do the same for me if I were getting his salary and willing to pay all the bills.

I can work with my visa but I'm awaiting my degree certificate as there's been delays due to covid. Your right in saying its a stressful situation, and I say dh is 'an angel' because as.long as we've been married it's always been his money is my money. I could only imagine certain people being control of finances and how they would make their spouse feel. Money doesn't solve everything, but it does make a whole lot of things easier.

And regarding pregnancy Its too soon to do a test. And with ds1 I didnt know I was pregnant until 9 weeks along on holiday. All my tests were negative and my blood test showed I was pregnant, doctor said its rare but happens to some women

There are so many things going on at once here, I think you need to separate them out otherwise it’s overwhelming.

First, adjust your expectations, two weeks is nothing, it takes months and many highs and lows to adapt to a new country. Don’t beat yourself up for being unhappy in a beautiful “dream” location, it’s totally normal if you are feeling lonely and disoriented.
Get on social media and find expat parents groups, this is your best bet for making friends while you’re not working and don’t speak the language. Most are welcoming and friendly as they’ve been in your position.
A language class could also be helpful and good for meeting other people new to the area. If you can’t teach yet could you do some private (even online) tuition to keep your mind busy?
Find a regular time (eg once a week), even if it’s early or late, when you can FaceTime a friend or relative so you feel less isolated.
Get a blood test ASAP so you know for sure about the pregnancy- much better to know and plan accordingly.
Have a talk with your DH, he needs to make more allowances for the fact you’ve only just moved across the world. Moving somewhere to work gives you an instant community that you don’t have while you are at home with the kids, so you will have very different experiences of living in a new place. He’s been there a while so it’s normal he’s more settled but he needs to help you, and not just expect to go on as before. Do any of his colleagues have partners or families that you could meet up with?

Why don’t you spend your days off learning the language and learning to drive? Do a crash course in both?

I did the same sort of move about 20 years ago with a toddler and a bump.
No social media then! But I would have used it if there was.
The first 6 weeks were the hardest and most crucial. Make or break I was told at the time.
If there's a British or International school where you are then there are obviously other ex pats around. You need to tap into the play groups, as well as focus on getting that teaching job if you can. If those things work out you'll be fine, and in a few months time will wonder what you were worried about. I also think your DH needs to focus on you a little more.

Fair enough!

Sharing money is the norm in marriage with a SAHM, except when the H is financially abusive.

Your H was the higher earner and since becoming a parent has continued to work as though he had no DC, to the extent of doing no parenting at all while living abroad, facilitated by you.

At present, your personal and your DCs’ financial security are dependent on staying married. Given that half or more of marriages break down, and that so far your personal earning capacity has taken a huge hit, it’d be sensible to secure paid work as soon as possible, and for your H to share the childcare drop offs, time off when the DC are sick etc. Having a third DC would likely make WoH more challenging.

It’s not too soon to do a pregnancy test if your period is late.

I'm so overwhelmed with all the support and advice I cant @ all of you
Yes I'm in a golf country and everyone speaks English here so its not too bad. I have savings guys so its not too bad, and hopefully going to open my own bank account soon. Yes I can do a crash course in driving though I've not yet looked into it properly but I feel that will be my first sense of freedom and feeling 'at home'. I'm rubbish at Facebook but after all your experiences its defo worth me finding other expats like me. Idk its so unlike me and dh to bicker like this, tbh I feel like i start the fights because I resent him for having a life here but as u all keep telling me its 2 weeks in i will hopefully make life for myself here too. Just need to find a way to calm down as he's my only friend here for now LOL. Thats y I think im pregnant my moodswings but for that I will go dr if I don't see aunt flo by this weekend.

I agree two weeks is nothing. You have barely got through the jetlag. However, from one introvert to another, you need to have tattooed onto your eyeballs that life will not come to you. You need to go to it.

Find a routine. Walk, gym or whatever. I have found that if you are in the same place at the same time doing the same thing, eventually others doing exactly the same thing will smile, then say hello, then pass comment and eventually little conversations.

I wish you the best of luck.

@Dozer yes definitely, I suppose I became a wife and mum early in my life. Then I was a student, so now is when I really need to find myself and be grown and statt my career. I that wasnt a task in itself, add moving abroad to the mix.

@TheSandgroper thank you! I will keep that in mind. They are very strict here with covid safety measures not sure if gyms are open. I know the one om our current apartment is closed. But I think i will have to use my day off (from dc) to find things I like to do but as a loner.. and find friend's eventually

Sending a hand hold .

You sound just like me 10 years ago. An overseas move is really tough -one of the most stressful things that you can do. DH won't fully understand because he is working and socialising, while you are trying to pick up the pieces in a foreign country with no support. The feeling of isolation is overwhelming.

I don't know what country you are in, but I found that my fellow expat brits were really not the kind of people that I could relate to. I struggled for years to fit in so that DCs could have a normal social life. Now that they are older, I have completely disconnected and that actually makes me happier.

On the upside, my relationship with DH is very strong. He fully understands the sacrifice that I made coming here and is incredibly kind and supportive.

You are possibly at the worst point and it will get better.

Do you plan to settle in your new country? If you do plan on going back to the UK, take care that you don't get boxed out. We got stuck by DCs going through the schooling system. We couldn't get them back into their local school so we would have needed to send them to private schools. However to do that, we would have needed the income from the overseas job to pay for it. Catch 22. After that it was because one or other of them had started the exam cycle.

I keep telling myself 'just another year', but there is always a reason to stay. So if you're going home, make a plan, stick to it. Having and end point might make it easier.

@Pikachubaby can I pm you?

I'm also in a Gulf country and will say that the expat community in the region is very welcoming, afterall, you are all in the same boat! It's very daunting at first, but I promise if that you put yourself out there, you will very quickly make friends, or at least find someone to chat to.

Can you find a Baby Sensory class, or something similar? That's how I found one of my groups of friends - we were at the same class, got chatting and agreed to have coffee together afterwards. 5 years later, they are some of my closest friends in the world.

Two weeks, I still had jet lag at two weeks.

Agree with everyone saying you have to get out there and make a network for yourself. I used my dc and my newness as tools to start conversations with people.

I found the 'expat' scene unusual and it wasn't for me. I ended up with friends who were locals.

Like you, I found that my dh's life continued almost as it was before as he had work and mine was completely different. It felt very unfair that I had to make a new life and his was just handed to him on a plate.

I'm a teacher too and I found it hard to get a job as without any family support at all, even for child care emergencies it's really difficult to manage.