Moved abroad and my anxiety is out of control

[Mum2prince]

I've recently moved from UK, to a beautiful country with a far better lifestyle than UK (prefer not to say where exactly). Though 2020 has been tough on the world, its got nothing on 2019. I was pregnant with hyperemesis, had a little one that I was extremely worried about in terms of development (hes improving everyday now🙂) I was in my second year of uni. My dh also lived abroad as he was offered the job of his dreams and we agreed it was best for him to go for it.

With the help of my mum and sisters I got through it and before long it was time for me to pack up and leave. My dh flew in to take us back and it was all very emotional yet exciting. After 2 weeks of being here the excitement has worn off.. and the loneliness has set in.

Me and dh were childhood sweethearts and still are fairly young couple, you could imagine our relief when we moved in together...right? All we do is bicker, i cant put my finger on it. I have separation anxiety and hes got a life, so que me getting angry when he wants to play footie with the lads. He gives me my "day off" but what on earth do I do with that i have no one here.

The time difference means I am in bed by the time everyone in UK has finished their work day and want to facetime. I'm upset with dh 99 percent of the time, I have anxiety/panic attacks crying fits and medication is not helping. I'm worried I may be pregnant though its too early to tell I've only just missed my period few days which doesn't mean too much as I'm fairly irregular. But if I am pregnant thats extra stress of me being in and out of hospital barely able to look after myself in a country where I have noone.

AIBU to feel this way? I've got a dream home, 2 lovely (active) dc, a dh who leaves me his credit card every day before he leaves for work. I feel people would die to be in my shoes. But I'm miserable, my mental health has taken a hit, constantly on edge and very lonely (especially since me and dh can barely enjoy each others company!!)

@Aweebawbee thank you . I do feel everything is intense atm. And I totally understand what you mean about your dc going back to school and having to go private. It happened to me as I took my gcses privately to then go to a regular college because we moved abroad for a year to be closer to our poorly grandad. Bit i hope to not have to come back anytime soon so I hop it works out. The lifestyle that my dc can have here vs there is incomparable. And at the end of the day its all about the kids.

See this for the stages of culture shock! I think part of your and DHs issue is that you are very different stages as he has been out there for a while.

Then pull on your big girl pants and make yourself find the Ex-pat groups, go to toddler groups. Get some language lessons. Enjoy the outdoors (sunshine can help if not too hot). You are not looking for your next lifelong best friend but just some people to help you get over the first few weeks and months.
Even if you end up generally avoiding the "ex-pats" I would recommend having a few 'friends' in that group a) so you know what's going on; and b) so you have someone who understands when you are desperately missing baked beans or a cadbury twirl etc.
And do consider getting some couple counselling - maybe his employer could fund it. You could point out that a lot of overseas placings/appointments fail because of the strain to the family,

Sending a HH too. Agree with the advice here, you've been through a huge amount! Be proud of yourself for identifying your MH is challenged, that's brave & means you can work on it.

I agree you need to try to make friends and social connections. Go for an easy in - mother & baby groups mean you & the DC can socialise. Also look into any teaching communities - both for adult company and help down the line when you are applying for jobs

@TwinkleRocks lol I am still jetlagged, me and the dc we drop off to sleep whenever we like so still need to find a routine.
For me getting a job heavily relies on whether I can find a good nanny for the dc. I'm sure it will take a while for me to find one, and then for the dc to get used to her and also for me to trust her.

@MollyButton thanks for that! I think i had the honeymoon stage last summer when I came for 3months and skipped stright to frustration stage now lol. Defo need to put my girl pants on , also with dh, before I try and seek second party involvement.. Hopefully I will be able to articulate my feelings without screaming and slamming the door like a teenager because he's running an errand after work 😑

Two weeks is no time at all - it took me a week to calm down in my new house last time and that was in the UK! When I find I am being consumed by anxious thoughts, I find the only way to tackle them is to take practical steps so that I feel that I am in the driving seat rather than them. In your position, I would:

• take a pregnancy test
• book a driving lesson
• research and book my first language class
• go to the local gym/sports centre and book an exercise class/go for a swim
• stop going to bed every time my husband came home. Even if I felt poorly, I'd stay on the sofa and spend time with him while he looked after the kids
• set myself a goal of speaking to one person outside the house a day.

I hate change. It absolutely terrifies me. But this is a change you were excited about and chose, so you owe it yourself and your DH and your kids to give it a proper chance. If after that you know it's not for you, then at least you'll know it wasn't for want of trying on your part.

@needAbackBone1the reasom I told a previous poster there was 2 sides to every story is because my social anxiety is out of control. Dh has a friend here, who is now moving back to the UK after being made redundant because of coving . But he and his wife invited us all out for dinner on Friday and tbh I was sick but I dont know if I wanted to go to begin with! Dh Is now trying to reschedule but i rather he not. I'm in a really bad place mentally. But I know I need to put myself out there, but I just want to curl up under my covers and close the door. I realise even my attachment to dh is unhealthy, im already on anxiety meds. Odk what to do tbh

Last time I moved it took me 3 months until it felt like home
That was with a job
You need more time

You've had so much sensible and caring advice.
To pick up on a couple of little points:
A language class will make you feel less lost,as you get familiar with the language of the country and therefor know you can negotiate in shops etc.(Although it sounds as if you don't need to speak the language to make friends,if you find ex-pats)You may feel daunted at the thought of entering a class.
A simple way to start with the basics is through a language app.I use Duolingo,it's fun and it can be free.10 minutes a day and you rapidly learn an essential vocabulary and start to feel more in control.Then you'll be more confident in starting a class too.
I changed countries many decades ago,along with my husband.We used to joke that we luckily took it in turns to feel homesick,and so never both said"let's chuck this" at the same time.
You are ,by the sound of it,the one currently feeling homesick.Accept that you will be down,and do the things that have been suggested to get rid of the dull feeling as quickly as you can.
Your husband may be more settled,but you are both learning how things work in a new country,things can be done differently in so many ways.You can share what you learn and make things easier for each other.
You can definitely do it if you have delivered babies under trying hyperemesis! You have courage.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross defo need to tackle that list!!! And I'm known for having change, its a trait that was passed to me by my father.. didnt really realise how debilitating is was till I became an adult

OP I hope you are ok 🌺

When you move to your new place make sure there is space for a live in housekeeper /helper/maid/nanny. Then find a local agency that can help you recruit one and interview at least 5 ladies, get someone who is experienced in the area and already has friends working with local families. Ask your DH to ask at work if any of the wives can recommend someone Bnb or if the HR dept can recommend an agency. This will make your life 100x easier. It is normal to do this and it will make the transition a lot easier for you.

@Rightsaidmabel thanks, that last bit had me feeling tearful. Yes I've pushed through quite abit, ironically to get here. And now I'm here and feeling like this, keep telling myself this too shall pass. I'm.defo so licky to have all this valuable advice i think I'm going to be referring back to this thread everyday for however long it takes me to settle!!

@LadyLairdArgyll better after speaking to you all, thank you for asking ⚘

@Clarinsmum yes thankfully it does, its right off the kiychen which I felt was rude (not upstairs with other rooms) I suppose she'd want her privacy anyways. And yes I hear its normal here.

Find the expats
Look for a nursery
Mother and ToddLer groups

But also.... make your husband get off his ass and engineer eg visit with other families or a day out with workmates. You can’t all leave it down to you, I used to find it falling watching my husband swan about while I was dying of loneliness

Just expats are very welcoming
I lived in Madrid for a couple of years and found it very hard to get going but part of that was dealing with PND and my attitude was pretty bad.

@Mum2prince This it tough, so many things going on.

I am an expat trailing spouse, 3 children, had a career before children and haven't worked since I moved for DH's work 13 years ago. Trying to start something now after retraining. Not easy.

I know that if I had known then what it would cost me to give up my job then I am not sure I would have done it. At the time, I was sure.

Your DH will never give up his career for you as you have already sacrificed your early 20's for his children, his job and his move so you will never be on his earning level. Quite apart from being male in a gulf state, the chances of you out earning him as a teacher with no experience and bearing 100% of the responsibility for childcare and therefore life admin and emotional responsibility for the children, are very slim.

Your mental health and anxiety are important and you should make sure you are getting all of the support you need, medication is not the only answer here, your needs should be met and you need to be heard and listened to.

Take this seriously and make sure he understands. He says he is doing everything to make you happy but he is doing everything to make you fit into the box that he has made for you. He has not asked you what you need to be happy. That is not respect or partnership.

I went to live in Turkey as my DH was offered a role there. Our children were already adults so didn’t have that aspect of meeting similar people. I did use facebook as there is always a local expat group, posted a message and people were great. Met for coffee and it snowballed from there. Also look for international women’s association, our local one was very welcoming and child friendly. Am back in UK now, you will be fine once you get some contacts.

[quote Mum2prince]@needAbackBone1the reasom I told a previous poster there was 2 sides to every story is because my social anxiety is out of control. Dh has a friend here, who is now moving back to the UK after being made redundant because of coving . But he and his wife invited us all out for dinner on Friday and tbh I was sick but I dont know if I wanted to go to begin with! Dh Is now trying to reschedule but i rather he not. I'm in a really bad place mentally. But I know I need to put myself out there, but I just want to curl up under my covers and close the door. I realise even my attachment to dh is unhealthy, im already on anxiety meds. Odk what to do tbh[/quote]
I totally get the social anxiety issue, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's still very early days and not everyone can jump straight into social situations with strangers, particularly when they are not feeling 100%.

Give yourself permission to take it slowly. Do what you have to do to make yourself comfortable in the here-and-now then expand when you are ready. It's tough for introverts, because society has the expectation that everyone is happier surrounded by people. I find that sometimes makes me feel even more isolated. Oh dear, I sound like I need help too .

AIBU to feel this way? I've got a dream home, 2 lovely (active) dc, a dh who leaves me his credit card every day before he leaves for work. I feel people would die to be in my shoes.
A dream home, 2DC and DH's credit card? You do realise 2/3 of those things are just material things? I'm sorry you are depressed but if you are the sort of person who thinks happiness is derived from material items like a dream home and the ability to go out spending freely on a credit card, then your values are totally fucked. You will be depressed.

All we do is bicker, i cant put my finger on it.
It is early days and you and the DC joining your husband is going to be an upheaval for all of you. Even though he wants you there, you are going to disrupt the life he has made for himself.

He gives me my "day off"
I hope that is just poor phrasing because it comes across as quite controlling otherwise.

what on earth do I do with that i have no one here
Your DH needs to help with this. Perhaps he could arrange a get-together (house-warming?) for his footie friends so that you meet their partners. Try and just go out with your DC to normal places like play areas in parks, the sort of places where you have conversations with other mothers in the UK.

Just be kind to yourself and don't expect too much, too soon. It is a big thing to move away from your family and friends and the country of your birth and the familiarity of the NHS. It sounds as if you didn't give this too much thought beyond joining your husband. It will take time to adjust and develop a life in your new country.

Have you signed up for GP services? If so, perhaps you could make an appointment to discuss your depression and anxiety with a doctor which may also help familiarise yourself with the country's health service.

Facetime friends and family in the UK on your day off and/or weekends. If you feeling particularly blue, stay up late and phone your mum.

What do you like to do op?
Like in normal life in the Uk , what lifts your spirits?
Do you enjoy a nice book, a stroll round a park, getting your hair done , attending a lecture ... ?

@ChateauMargaux I'm sorry you feel that way. For me personally I am happy with not making as much as dh, im happy he takes responsibility for the home bills and all other expenses tbh. Im happy that financially we are in a place where my earnings will be mine to keep and save and I am working because I want to not because I have to.

If i had to choose career or family I would choose family. Everyone is different and I personally want more children and I wasn't to be there for the ones I currently have. Hence why I chose teaching so I could have reasonable working hours and holidays.

I dont need to outearn dh, and i am more than happy with being the kids primary caregiver. Its 2020 we can have it all. My mental health is certainly a concern but trust me if i look back at my life and I have had my family around me i will not regret a minute of it.

The lifestyle that my dc can have here vs there is incomparable. And at the end of the day its all about the kids
No. It isn't all about the kids. You have to enjoy your life too. No kids want a miserable mum.

I was going to say exactly that. It's not all about the kids.

Also it helps, as you go through life, to look at whether someone else’s dream, is your dream.
Because a dream house to some people may be a
sprawling mansion in the countryside, whereas another person may be living their dream in a tent.
Not everyone is made automatically happy because they get a pool and a palm tree,
So you also have to look at whether you’re living your dream, or somebody else’s.