Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my mother lied

151 replies

sensiblesometimes · 02/09/2020 02:39

I'm wai ting for a letter to tell me about a premium bond win that my mother 'neglected ' to tell me about 30 years ago . She let it slip in a conversation then instantly denied she had said it, i think she spent it on holidays and my brother! Im very hurt and upset

OP posts:
mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 09:14

@alreadytaken

"I don't think it is like an inheritance at all. It is more like giving child a present and then taking it away again. Not right."

Except the child never had the gift in their possession so it was a promise for the future rather than a gift to be enjoyed now. And a promise that did not explicitly include any winnings from the bond.

No, if the gift was in the child's name it was in their possession. It's not a "promise" just because the parent has control over it till the child of 18. They are the guardian of the money not the owner.
OVienna · 03/09/2020 09:32

Okay, sure.

My friend was asked by her parents to turn over money they needed for bills from her grocery store job. They were going through a really dreadful time.

Should she have said no? What would happen next, in your world, if she had? They might have also needed some of her other savings. Her parents were not "grabby" or selfish. Maybe you think she should pursue something with them now. Similar timescale to the OP- 30 years. They've both passed away now though (her mother around the time of their financial issues) and she is living in the home she inherited from them.

Can we apply a little common sense here?

The OP hasn't come back. We dont know much about the circumstances of her childhood. Her mother could be feckless and abusive and trousered ten grand the family didnt need of bond wins in her name to spend on her brother. Or: the situation could be different.

mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 09:41

@OVienna

Okay, sure.

My friend was asked by her parents to turn over money they needed for bills from her grocery store job. They were going through a really dreadful time.

Should she have said no? What would happen next, in your world, if she had? They might have also needed some of her other savings. Her parents were not "grabby" or selfish. Maybe you think she should pursue something with them now. Similar timescale to the OP- 30 years. They've both passed away now though (her mother around the time of their financial issues) and she is living in the home she inherited from them.

Can we apply a little common sense here?

The OP hasn't come back. We dont know much about the circumstances of her childhood. Her mother could be feckless and abusive and trousered ten grand the family didnt need of bond wins in her name to spend on her brother. Or: the situation could be different.

I think you need to apply a little common sense . I didn't say that parents shouldn't ask to borrow money. I said that parents shouldn't take money without asking because regardless of the child's age and regardless of the parents financial situation that is stealing especially if they do not pay it back.
liveitwell · 03/09/2020 09:46

I have premium bonds for me and one each for my kids. Until they're adults I own all the accounts and can transfer money in and out of theirs into/out of mine. I think it's fair given I'm the one who invests the money. If we ever need to take it to cover bills etc, then I would without feeling guilty.

OVienna · 03/09/2020 09:53

I think you need to apply a little common sense.

So a primary school child (for example) can be asked relied on to give a view, can they?

OVienna · 03/09/2020 09:54

And also, when a parent 'asks' you to help out with bills (I have also been asked) there is generally one answer.

mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 10:08

@OVienna

I think you need to apply a little common sense.

So a primary school child (for example) can be asked relied on to give a view, can they?

Yes! And if they do lend the money the parent should pay it back as soon as possible.
mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 10:10

@liveitwell

I have premium bonds for me and one each for my kids. Until they're adults I own all the accounts and can transfer money in and out of theirs into/out of mine. I think it's fair given I'm the one who invests the money. If we ever need to take it to cover bills etc, then I would without feeling guilty.
If you want to be able to access money why put it in their names in the first place?
BashfulClam · 03/09/2020 11:57

It’s about the OPs mother lying and not telling the OP she had won Money. My parents had to rinse both my brothers and my savings given to us by my gran to pay the mortgage as my dad drank all our money. I was told that’s what was happening (my gran would spin in her grave if she knew). Several years later It was paid back, I had really struggled and there are many times that money could have helped. The thing was though I was aware of it.

alreadytaken · 03/09/2020 14:51

"No, if the gift was in the child's name it was in their possession. It's not a "promise" just because the parent has control over it till the child of 18. They are the guardian of the money not the owner."

No, not in their possession because they can not spend it. Unless this was a massive win -and most are not - then the parent will have returned to the child many times the value of the win over the 30 years since then.

TheSmallAssassin · 03/09/2020 15:20

Some of the attitudes here are a bit weird. When you buy premium bonds in a child's name, they belong to the child, they own them not you. You are looking after the bonds for them! If there's a win then the cheque will be made out to the adult, but morally it is the child's money. I also think it's a bit odd sharing wins out between other children, if you want things to be equal, don't put money into something that relies on luck.

When my son turned 16, the bonds automatically became fully his to look after and subsequent wins have been made out to him.

kursaalflyer · 03/09/2020 15:49

If you are 60 then yes, you should have got the address changed years ago but if you are under 45 then I'm sure the money was spent as a family and likewise anything your brother won I imagine. It sounds like you don't have a very good relationship so this is rankling.

Svalberg · 03/09/2020 15:56

Any cheque for me could have easily been cashed by either of my parents as we all had the same initial

D4rwin · 03/09/2020 16:07

My parents took money from my brother and I when they moved to an expensive area of the country. I am sure the money went on necessary things at the time but the notion that they hid it from us hasn't helped our relationship with them.

We were vaguely aware of the money (from a great grandparent) then one day my brother referenced it when contemplating buying a laptop and our mum started waffling about it probably had been taken by the bank or such as a dead account (?). It was bollocks the bank confirmed the date the accounts were closed and how much was withdrawn. My mum was furious that the bank had "allowed" us the information. She still claims that's not what happened Hmm.

D4rwin · 03/09/2020 16:08

It's the honesty (or lack) that sticks in the throat.

mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 16:18

@alreadytaken

"No, if the gift was in the child's name it was in their possession. It's not a "promise" just because the parent has control over it till the child of 18. They are the guardian of the money not the owner."

No, not in their possession because they can not spend it. Unless this was a massive win -and most are not - then the parent will have returned to the child many times the value of the win over the 30 years since then.

They can spend it if they win as long as the parent doesn't steal the money. All parents spend money feeding and clothing their children . That's your job as a parent and if you don't want to do that don't have children . It doesn't give you the right to take money that is in their name. Would you think it okay for your mother to take money from your bank account now without asking? After all she must have spent money on you as a child too.
Nottherealslimshady · 03/09/2020 16:21

I think it depends on her financial situation. if she needed the money for essentials for you then fair enough. If she spend it on luxuries for herself then not ok.

mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 16:28

@TheSmallAssassin

Some of the attitudes here are a bit weird. When you buy premium bonds in a child's name, they belong to the child, they own them not you. You are looking after the bonds for them! If there's a win then the cheque will be made out to the adult, but morally it is the child's money. I also think it's a bit odd sharing wins out between other children, if you want things to be equal, don't put money into something that relies on luck.

When my son turned 16, the bonds automatically became fully his to look after and subsequent wins have been made out to him.

I agree. It appears they want to put money in their children's name to make themselves feel virtuous about saving for their children but at the same time they still consider it to be their own money. Bad enough if they are the ones who have "given" the money but many parents with this attitude will probably also take money given by grandparents and other relatives, and tell themselves that they are spending it on the child so it is just justified.
MegaClutterSlut · 03/09/2020 16:40

Can't believe the amount of people that think its OK to be thieving arseholes to their own children. Doesn't matter one bit if you've bought them, it belongs to the child! Only a dick would justify stealing off said child with the cost of raising them

alreadytaken · 03/09/2020 20:24

If my parents had taken a small prize win 30 years ago I would not be letting it affect my relationship with them so much that I spent two sleepless nights over it. That's ungrateful.

Original poster
sensiblesometimes · 03/09/2020 21:55

#alreadytaken
you haven't a clue

OP posts:
OVienna · 03/09/2020 22:15

OP I missed your post yesterday at 12.40. I apologise. It sounds like your mum was of the feckless and unkind variety. I am sorry to hear that I wish you well. Do what you need to do to heal.

NOTANUM · 03/09/2020 22:55

Hope you're okay OP
This must be tough to learn.

Alwaysinpain · 04/09/2020 03:21

Wow. Please tell me you’ll be confronting her if your suspicions are correct?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2020 04:17

I understand you’re upset. You haven’t shared her financial circumstances. This is very relevant. I’m wondering if perhaps she borrowed it and always intended to pay it back.