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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my mother lied

151 replies

sensiblesometimes · 02/09/2020 02:39

I'm wai ting for a letter to tell me about a premium bond win that my mother 'neglected ' to tell me about 30 years ago . She let it slip in a conversation then instantly denied she had said it, i think she spent it on holidays and my brother! Im very hurt and upset

OP posts:
OVienna · 02/09/2020 12:06

Or she could have gone with the option of putting it to one side to give to the op when she became an adult? I’m sure that’s what the majority of people with morals would do

If the parent has bought the premium bonds for the child and the child needs something NOW, which a win could be used for, it is not morally wrong to use it. The fact of the matter is the parents would be well within their rights to cash in the bonds they paid for, if they needed the money. From my point of view, it is a bit like an inheritance - they may have something ear marked for them, but circumstances could change.

I am wondering if the posters tutting would suggest a parent put something on a credit card instead of using a win to pay for costs pertaining to the child? Because that is daft as all get out.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 02/09/2020 12:10

@OVienna

Or she could have gone with the option of putting it to one side to give to the op when she became an adult? I’m sure that’s what the majority of people with morals would do

If the parent has bought the premium bonds for the child and the child needs something NOW, which a win could be used for, it is not morally wrong to use it. The fact of the matter is the parents would be well within their rights to cash in the bonds they paid for, if they needed the money. From my point of view, it is a bit like an inheritance - they may have something ear marked for them, but circumstances could change.

I am wondering if the posters tutting would suggest a parent put something on a credit card instead of using a win to pay for costs pertaining to the child? Because that is daft as all get out.

Well yes, I agree with that. But from the way the op has worded the post, none of the money was actually used to benefit her, nor necessarily went on necessities. She mentioned a holiday, it’s unclear to me if she actually went on the holiday.
OVienna · 02/09/2020 12:11

Of course it would be NICE if parents never had to do this. But lots of parents are not in that situation where they have this luxury.

I don't feel exactly the same about a gift from others. But still, it's hard to argue that as long as the money is being spent on the child it's 'wrong' .

The OP would appear to have other problems in the relationship with her family the amount of bond prizes she may or may not have won over the years.

OVienna · 02/09/2020 12:12

@Itsjustabitofbanter

I wonder if the OP will come back and tell us!

mrpumblechook · 02/09/2020 12:16

@OVienna

Or she could have gone with the option of putting it to one side to give to the op when she became an adult? I’m sure that’s what the majority of people with morals would do

If the parent has bought the premium bonds for the child and the child needs something NOW, which a win could be used for, it is not morally wrong to use it. The fact of the matter is the parents would be well within their rights to cash in the bonds they paid for, if they needed the money. From my point of view, it is a bit like an inheritance - they may have something ear marked for them, but circumstances could change.

I am wondering if the posters tutting would suggest a parent put something on a credit card instead of using a win to pay for costs pertaining to the child? Because that is daft as all get out.

I don't think it is like an inheritance at all. It is more like giving child a present and then taking it away again. Not right.
KatherineJaneway · 02/09/2020 12:22

How could she have cashed the cheque/s?

JulesCobb · 02/09/2020 12:28

Have you mentioned this before, op?

I was planning to buy premium bonds with My
Children’s savings as they're doing nothing in the bank. My dad has quite a bit in bonds and gets regular £25- £50 payouts. My thoughts were, if they win id split it between the two of them and put it back in.

Beldon · 02/09/2020 12:33

@JulesCobb you can’t but the bonds that win prizes for children anymore. They get interest on savings instead and it’s not very much anymore. You could buy the bonds in your name and then just split it between the children when older

angelicabtton · 02/09/2020 12:33

My Dad has some premium bonds for my sister (now aged 50!) and I from when we were kids. I don't know whose names they are in but we often laugh every five years or so when he says they have one a prize but he can't remember if it was mine or my sister's or whether he has already spent it. It wouldn't occur to me to be upset but that is because I know my Dad loves us and is always kind and generous with us in all ways (including with his money) and there is no favouritism . So I don't think the crime is awful (particularly if there was a need for money e.g. for school shoes etc) but I am sorry if the OP doesn't have that kind of relationship with her Mum as that is hurtful

Original poster
sensiblesometimes · 02/09/2020 12:40

Hi all thanks for your responses they have helped me work out how I feel about this (2x sleepless nights) It has highlighted issues with my mother that have plagued my life . It doesn't matter if it was a five pound win or 5000 pound win she should have shared it with me . I will continue contact with her, care for her into old age but manage my boundaries and never trust her again ( or respect her)
will let you know re: win ( I'm 100 % convinced there was one )
Thanks all x

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2020 12:46

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

30 years ago you could sign the back of a cheque so it could be paid into another account. How times have changed Only the payee would have been able to do this and surely only if the Cheque wasn't crossed? In this instance the payee would be the OP as she stated they were in her name but with her mother's address.
Yes - but easily forged in those halcyon days
Potterpotterpotter · 02/09/2020 13:25

@sensiblesometimes

Who bought the premium bonds for you?

AdobeWanKenobi · 02/09/2020 13:29

@sensiblesometimes

Hi all thanks for your responses they have helped me work out how I feel about this (2x sleepless nights) It has highlighted issues with my mother that have plagued my life . It doesn't matter if it was a five pound win or 5000 pound win she should have shared it with me . I will continue contact with her, care for her into old age but manage my boundaries and never trust her again ( or respect her) will let you know re: win ( I'm 100 % convinced there was one ) Thanks all x
It has been asked before, but how has she cashed a cheque in your name?
ComtesseDeSpair · 02/09/2020 13:38

@sensiblesometimes

Hi all thanks for your responses they have helped me work out how I feel about this (2x sleepless nights) It has highlighted issues with my mother that have plagued my life . It doesn't matter if it was a five pound win or 5000 pound win she should have shared it with me . I will continue contact with her, care for her into old age but manage my boundaries and never trust her again ( or respect her) will let you know re: win ( I'm 100 % convinced there was one ) Thanks all x
It sounds like this is less about a premium bond and more about your feelings regarding your relationship with your mother and her treatment of you. Perhaps that’s something worth exploring with a therapist?

My parents are awesome and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if they admitted one of my childhood premium bonds had a win but they spent it on, for example, upgrading the family car or taking us all on holiday because otherwise they couldn’t afford those things.

Venicelover · 02/09/2020 13:55

Huge overreaction IMO OP. I agree with the poster above. It is not about the premium bond.

ohfourfoxache · 02/09/2020 14:00

The crucial point is that she lied....

Sorry op, if she spent it on your brother as you suspect then that’s really shit....

RandomMess · 02/09/2020 14:07

It just hurts doesn't it!!!

You could insist she pays you with interest Wink

Nikori · 02/09/2020 14:28

It has been asked before, but how has she cashed a cheque in your name?

I can't remember the details now, but when my son won, I paid it into my UK bank account as we live abroad and it's hard to pay UK cheques into bank accounts here. I'm not sure how I did it, but I definitely didn't commit fraud. I think they must automatically issue the cheque to the parent's name.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/09/2020 16:06

It has been asked before, but how has she cashed a cheque in your name?

Quick history lesson:
If you take a look at a cheque (photo attached for those of you who don’t have them any more) you will see the two vertical lines over the “payee” and “amount” fields. Along those two lines is written “AC Payee” (or similar). That stands for “Account Payee Only”. This is what was called a “crossed cheque“ and it tells the bank they can only pay it into an account matching the payee name.

Decades ago cheques didn’t automatically have that on them. If you wanted the security of it not being able to be cashed by someone else you had to manually put the two lines on and write in”AC Payee”. Because lots of people didn’t have bank accounts so might ask their parents or boss to cash it for them, it was, at the time important to have a route whereby cheques could be cashed by others.

my mother lied
Alpacinoseyes · 02/09/2020 16:53

Jules cobb, junior stocks and shares isa.

Inspite of covid my dcs have continued To go up.

alreadytaken · 02/09/2020 17:07

You buy bonds in a child names because you hope to keep that money for them, nothing to do with tax fraud. I've certainly never had a full holding of premium bonds.But if you then struggle to raise that child and need money for them it seems some people would let the child starve rather than use "their" money. That is madness. There is no proof what the money was spent on and since most premium bond wins are quite small amounts it may well have been £25 or £50.

A child complaining bitterly about not getting a gift is an ungrateful child. Their parent has already dont a great deal for them - and if they want to complain now about not getting what was most probably a small sum of money thy should consider how much they have received over many years.

From the attitudes on here it's quite clear that parents should never set money aside for a child, they will only be ungrateful because they didnt get even more.

Malbecfan · 02/09/2020 17:11

BoomBoomsCousin is correct. I bought my DDs Premium Bonds when they were younger. They win periodically now.

When they were young, the letter came addressed to ME and the cheque had my name on it. The only way I knew whether it was mine or theirs was the information on the attached slip which said which bond number had won. I paid it into my account then wrote out my own cheque to pay into their Building Society accounts. Once they had their own bank account around the age of 12, I paid it into my account and immediately transferred it across to them. Once they turned 16, the letters came to them and it was their problem. I'm pretty sure they both contacted NS&I to get them paid directly into their bank, so no cheques arrive at all.

We didn't do the reinvestment, although I know you can do. As they are now both over 18, I have no idea if either does it now. Older DD did ask for her holder number so she could open a savings bond with NS&I so I handed her the whole folder with all purchases and bond certificates.

OVienna · 02/09/2020 18:38

I don't think it is like an inheritance at all. It is more like giving child a present and then taking it away again. Not right.

Well, life isn't always that straightforward, for everyone, financially. Is it?

alreadytaken · 03/09/2020 09:05

"I don't think it is like an inheritance at all. It is more like giving child a present and then taking it away again. Not right."

Except the child never had the gift in their possession so it was a promise for the future rather than a gift to be enjoyed now. And a promise that did not explicitly include any winnings from the bond.

mrpumblechook · 03/09/2020 09:12

@OVienna

I don't think it is like an inheritance at all. It is more like giving child a present and then taking it away again. Not right.

Well, life isn't always that straightforward, for everyone, financially. Is it?

It is straightforward. If you take someone's possessions or cash without their permission it is stealing regardless of your financial situation. It doesn't matter whether you gave them the cash in the first place as once it is given it is no longer yours.
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