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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did anyone grow up in a really isolated area?

236 replies

Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 16:06

I was born in a city in England. When I was five my parents divorced,
and my mother moved with me and my brother to a really isolated part of Ireland.

The house was not even in a village, it was not even on a main road between villages. You have to drive one mile outside of a tiny village, and then turn and drive down another two miles down a tiny bog road.

We were so isolated. I couldn't even walk to the shop.

I have had many arguments with her about this over the years. She said "well I could drive, I could drive to the shops". I said "me and my brother couldn't drive, we were totally trapped there".

I feel like isolation is abuse. I went to visit her this week, went to the house, and I feel total rage at her making me live in that isolated area all of my childhood. My brother is angry about it too.

Anyone else grow up in an isolated area and feel anger about it?

OP posts:
Hotelhelp · 02/09/2020 18:13

OP I sort of see where you’re coming from.

I grew up in a tiny village with no shop and a few miles from the next village where all of my friends lived. I never experienced that childhood of being able to just walk round to my friends house or meet at the park. I was very isolated and everything had to be prearranged which didn’t happen often enough so I didn’t form close friendships the way the other kids did and have probably never learned to make friends properly for this reason.

We live in a town but not the one my kids go to school in and because of my childhood I’m determined we will move so they can have what I didn’t.

lasttimeround · 02/09/2020 18:14

I grew up very isolated in a city. A third world city that was v unsafe. So big house and garden. No where to go, no one to see. My parents facilitated very little and constantly gaslit us about how lucky we were with the house. To use our imagination if we were bored. No tv allowed either. As an adult I started to realise how self centred they were. It suited them, therefore it had to suit us. If we expressed anything to the contrary they came down on it very hard and disparagingly. I can see now that it was part of a wider pattern of narcissistic neglect at the very least. Everything was always about them. Holiday destinations were the same. Isolated nothing for kids. No way yo make friends. I hated it and I dislike them thoroughly for it.

WingingWonder · 02/09/2020 18:24

Grew up in rural welsh hamlet no shop no mates but there were a few (8) other houses.
I couldn’t wait to get out and drive but also appreciated somewhere safe, my parents keenness for social lives and taxing us everywhere plus the freedom to stay at mates in town when we were older at a time when many other parents were pearl clutching about it

oofadoofa · 02/09/2020 19:41

We currently live in a somewhat isolated place. Like 40km to the closest town/shop/petrol station. That being said, we live in a tiny village with a few families around us, so we’re not totally alone. Without knowing how this compares with your own previous living arrangements, but it’s nice! Plenty of space, not much noise pollution, plenty to do. Am guessing it’s ‘different strokes for different folks’? As in, maybe go easy on your mum, she was likely imagining that you loved it?

Chattercino · 02/09/2020 19:54

I grew up on a farm and spent my teenage years wishing we could move to an estate in the town where the other children could knock on my door and say, "are you coming out?" like what my friends did.

Looking back I realise how lucky I was, and think that my own children are very lucky to have their grandparents farm to play at. It's a different lifestyle, for sure, but it's a wonderful one if you embrace it.

Sidalee7 · 02/09/2020 21:36

I grew up in the country, no shops and the bus service was terrible. As a teen I wanted to live in a town so badly! Now live in a town and I don’t think I would ever live in the country - unless I could walk to a shop!

ClareBlue · 03/09/2020 02:06

Don't underestimate the very real isolation of being an English child in an Irish school. Add to that complete isolation at home and being screamed at and your father rejecting you.

This was a really tough upbringing for anyone. Plenty have great childhoods in the countryside, but very few face those combined issues. So your feelings are valid but you can not change what happened. You can work through how you feel.

And you are right. Parents should make choices on where to live with their children in mind, not just what they think us a good lifestyle. If they chose rural they have to be prepared to be a taxi service and make the effort for sleepovers and pick ups.
Good luck

Imetagirlcrazyfortea · 03/09/2020 14:39

Parents should make choices on where to live with their children in mind, not just what they think us a good lifestyle.

I think this is correct - a rural home can be a great childhood if the parents are willing to think about their childrens' wellbeing - e.g. choosing a village with other families, driving their children to see friends, choosing an area where their children will fit in and be welcomed.

I grew up in a village and I found it very isolating. I also had an unhappy home with lots of shouting and unpredictable violence, and I would have found it much easier had there been other people around, somewhere I could get to under my own steam. I felt very trapped - I remember feeling dread at the weekend if I didn't have any plans to meet friends and knowing it was just being at home until Monday. And the crashing disappointment if a friend cancelled weekend plans at the last minute.

Better than your experience OP as my parents did drive me to see friends, but it meant that I needed friendships strong enough to arrange to meet and organise lifts in advance, rather than the more relaxed socialising that children in the town could do.

The nearest secondary school was a bus journey away (and I hated the bus as the kids in the back row would tease and bully others) and I didn't fit in at school. I'd had a sheltered childhood and went to a school where the other kids were much more streetwise. So I was shy and self conscious, I had the wrong clothes, the wrong mannerisms, I didn't know the slang. I remember feeling constantly self-conscious and on alert should I accidentally say something uncool, or act in a way that drew negative attention.

We didn't know anyone in the village so I had no local friends, although when I was home in uni holidays and got a job locally to my surprise I found there was a village community there - just that my parents hadn't ever joined in. They only got along with people very similar to them, none of whom lived nearby. So they hadn't ever tried to make friends in the village as they didn't want to try getting along with people with different opinions and lifestyles to them (I'm talking minor stuff here, things most people would be able to overlook).

I have lovely friends who are raising their kids in rural areas, but they have thought about what would suit children and teenagers when choosing the area, and have made friends locally. And I think if their kids were unhappy they would try and find solutions. For example, my parents said that my school was absolutely dreadful and the behaviour of the other children awful, which made me feel worse about it, but they didn't take any practical steps to find another school. With my parents, I knew that the most important factor was them staying in their house, and whatever effect that had on us children they would never ever move.

Sarahpaula · 03/09/2020 16:24

Some one else said this, and I agree.

Another downside is that you end up staying in dodgy people's houses.

When I was 18-22, I went away to college, and I would come to visit my mum every second month. At that age I would share a taxi with friends in the countryside to take a forty minute taxi drive to the nearest town,and the bars and nightclubs. It was difficult to get a taxi home. There was a big queue, not enough taxis, and some of the taxis did not want to do a forty minute journey at that time of night. They wanted to stay in the town and do smaller trips.

This definitely led me to staying in men's houses in that town, and get myself in some very dangerous situations, and one time get sexually assaulted, purely because it was so difficult to get home

OP posts:
oofadoofa · 04/09/2020 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lasttimeround · 04/09/2020 08:30

Ignoring the above in all its sanctimoniousness. That happened to me too op as a result of an isolated childhood and teenage years. Where do you think the trusted friendships come from if you arent given the opportunity to learn how to form good friendships. It fucks you up op

zingally · 04/09/2020 08:49

My two cousins grew up in a similar setting in rural Wales. The nearest neighbour was a 20 minute walk away. The nearest shop was a 20 minute drive. School was half an hour by minibus.

One left as soon as she could. Moved to Cardiff, and stayed there for many years. But then had a traumatic marriage breakdown, and moved back to the family farm, met someone else & had 2 kids. The other cousin never left. Married a boy she knew from school, popped out 3 kids in fairly quick succession and now farms the land with their parents. She seems to be very happy with her lot, but I always feel like she's missed out on a lot of experiences.

The kids are all still pretty little, but I can already spot at least 2 who will be out of there like the clappers, as soon as they're old enough.

oofadoofa · 04/09/2020 09:01

@lasttimeround

Sanctimoniousness is a very nice word but you seem to not know what it actually means.

That being said, my comment above adds nothing constructive to the thread and didn’t coming across entirely as intended so I’ve asked for it to be removed. Apologies to all concerned.

lasttimeround · 04/09/2020 09:36

Another sanctimonious response. Nice.
But at least you'll leave off the op not having trusted girlfriends. Unlike morally superior you.

Imetagirlcrazyfortea · 04/09/2020 09:46

Do you still go back to your childhood home and visit your mother, OP? You don't have to. I do meet my mother but away from my childhood home - she comes to visit me. There are several reasons, including some logistical ones, but the main reason is that for me the house has memories of loneliness, isolation, shouting, unpredictable violence. And I knew that my parents prioritised living in that house over everything else - including my happiness and wellbeing, and even their own happiness and wellbeing (in my opinion).

oofadoofa · 04/09/2020 09:53

This is getting boring, you’re debating an idea in your mind rather than the original comment. And you still don’t know what sanctimonious means.

hibbledibble · 04/09/2020 10:08

Op, you do sound rather dramatic. Many say a rural upbringing was idyllic.

I grew up in London, and trust me, it was far from idyllic. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's also very possible to feel isolated in cities: there often isn't a sense of community.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/09/2020 10:49

OP perhaps if you looked at the 'Stately Homes' threads as you will get a lot more support and understanding as the poster on there have had similar upbringings as yours.

The OP is not saying that living in a very rural area is bad, she is saying her experience was and has led her and her brother to have some mental health issues.

OP it's clear from you post that your mum purposeless chose to live somewhere she could isolate your from your extended family and friends so she could have complete control over you.

lasttimeround · 04/09/2020 10:54

Mmm sure. And you're still being sanctimonious

tornadoalley · 04/09/2020 12:48

When I was a child my dad wanted to take us all back to live in rural Ireland, but my mum was having none of it. I think she made the right decision for all of us.

Sarahpaula · 04/09/2020 13:30

@tornadoalley there are some parts of Ireland that are so terribly isolated.

I have lived in England, and I haven't seen isolation to the same degree.

In rural Ireland, near where my mother lives, there are a lot of people that build their own house, in the complete middle of nowhere. I really think that there should be some restrictions on how isolated you are allowed to live. That if you are building or buying a new house it should be within transport distance of amenities, or that parents need to demonstrate that they are bringing children to places. Nobody knows what goes on in the countryside. Children get very isolated and social services do not care in rural Ireland.

Out in the countryside children ARE at more risk of abuse.

OP posts:
Sarahpaula · 04/09/2020 13:32

Again I understand that some children have lovely childhoods in rural Ireland.

But shouldn't social services check with parents that parents are bringing children to places.

In my childhood and teenage years it was : school, home, school, home. I was never brought anywhere else. There was no youth club or ladies GAA at the time in my village.

Children can get very very isolated out in those rural places

OP posts:
Feagle · 04/09/2020 13:35

In rural Ireland, near where my mother lives, there are a lot of people that build their own house, in the complete middle of nowhere. I really think that there should be some restrictions on how isolated you are allowed to live. That if you are building or buying a new house it should be within transport distance of amenities, or that parents need to demonstrate that they are bringing children to places. Nobody knows what goes on in the countryside. Children get very isolated and social services do not care in rural Ireland.

You're (again) conflating two entirely different issues -- isolation and parental abuse.

Also, you can't seriously be suggesting that county council planning departments should only be allowed the grant planning permission to build in a remote area if (a) they don't have children and don't plan to or (b) swear some kind of affidavit that they will transport their children to activities?

Moo678 · 04/09/2020 13:39

I grew up on an island in the inner Hebrides. It was seven miles long with 120 residents. It had one shop 4 miles from my house. There were five kids in the school and it was a 2.5 hr boat trip to the mainland. I had the most amazing childhood and feel immensely privileged. No - living in an isolated location is not child abuse.

Sarahpaula · 04/09/2020 13:41

@Feagle what are you talking about? I am not conflating issues. I have NUMEROUS times that people can have happy childhoods in rural areas.

But that if you live in an isolated area and your parent doen't drive you anywhere, that is abuse.

I have said this many times, so if not reading my posts don't talk to me in such a nasty and arrogant manner

OP posts: