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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did anyone grow up in a really isolated area?

236 replies

Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 16:06

I was born in a city in England. When I was five my parents divorced,
and my mother moved with me and my brother to a really isolated part of Ireland.

The house was not even in a village, it was not even on a main road between villages. You have to drive one mile outside of a tiny village, and then turn and drive down another two miles down a tiny bog road.

We were so isolated. I couldn't even walk to the shop.

I have had many arguments with her about this over the years. She said "well I could drive, I could drive to the shops". I said "me and my brother couldn't drive, we were totally trapped there".

I feel like isolation is abuse. I went to visit her this week, went to the house, and I feel total rage at her making me live in that isolated area all of my childhood. My brother is angry about it too.

Anyone else grow up in an isolated area and feel anger about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 20:01

@Disabrie22 thank you! That was a nice post

OP posts:
baldrickslittlesister · 01/09/2020 20:04

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@baldrickslittlesister right, so all children who live in the suburbs grow up scarred because of all the crime? Come on. More people = more crime, that's obvious, but it's not an issue day to day for the majority of people.[/quote]
FGS of course not all children grow up scarred because of crime but not all children in the countryside, in fact very few indeed, are brain damaged from living there. The OP had a difficult childhood because of her mother not because of where she lived, it'd have been the same in the city.

Chocolatepeanuts · 01/09/2020 20:04

OP I live on a bog road, 2 miles from shop on the main road but not in a village. Village 4 miles away. Bus stop at the shop. I grew up in theis area and now raising my kids here having kived in a city as a young adult. I agree with others, youre blaming the wrong thing your mother sounds awful :( She could have arranged meet ups with school friends. Were you allowed to stay over after school in town as a teen? Did you go to GAA? The hub of the community in many rural irish communities. Im really sorry you and your brother had to go through that, but you couldnt pay me to raise my kids in the city or town.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 20:05

@Someone9 yes she was from ireland originally.

Yes I feel that is why I also felt extremely isolated. We were the only divorced family without a father in the small Irish village. So people thought we were weird.

Me and my brother were also English, so the children in my school didn't like us for that either. They used to insult us for being English. So it was isolation everywhere. At home and school

I do understand on one level that my mother was not coping, she was not mentally well herself, which led her to neglect us, and not be able to take care of us, and to take her anger and her frustration out on us. So I will try to forgive her

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 20:19

@Chocolatepeanuts I have to say that what added to the problem was that I was English. My mum is Irish but I was born in England so i was seen as English, and the other children in the Irish village would not accept me because of it.

OP posts:
wigglebox · 01/09/2020 20:20

Yanbu op, I grew up in a lovely neighbourhood with lots of friends of all ages, we are all so close to this day. My cousins, on the other hand, grew up in an isolated area and hated it, they would come stay with us as much as they could and made friends with our friends. My cousin to this day hates to speak of their childhood and visits his parents very little but visits my parents more. We used to visit our cousins occasionally and would find the novelty of an open field wore off pretty quickly and we would yearn to go home. Villages are lovely but to be so isolated that you can't even see the neighbours or you can't walk to a friend or a shop is another thing. It's not a way to live. U can have all the country living you want in or beside a village, it is cruel to isolate kids or teens to that degree.
We now live in a neighbourhood similar to my childhood home and my kids always say that if we ever thought of living somewhere remote, it would be their worst nightmare. I don't know how kids who live in isolation managed their mental health thought out the lockdown. I can see many children who and teenagers struggling because of this.
During lock down in our neighbourhood, our kids would still play every day together, even by just looking over the wall and playing I spy. They had contact with their peers everyday, it is not natural for humans to go so long without social contact.
We live five minutes from open fields and rolling hills so we regularly go for a walk lovely walks there but no way could we live there. It is very unfair to be only consider the adults needs when choosing living location, kids need more stimulation besides dog walking and fields.

Sakura7 · 01/09/2020 20:21

@Sarahpaula As others have said, the issue sadly is your mother and not the rural location. A good parent would make sure you were able to socialise and would drive you places.

My DP did have a dad but he was a workaholic who barely spent any time with his kids. His mum did ensure that he and his sister had full lives and didn't feel isolated.

EvelynBeatrice · 01/09/2020 20:24

Some personalities favour rural living over city and vice versa. My mother was ‘ a townie’, my father a country lover. He won. We were less remote than you but not living in a city like we are now. My brother and I also felt we missed out a bit in teenage years. However I’m always surprised at people who say what a fantastic social life they had as teens/their kids have. I didn’t and don’t know anyone like that. As a teenager most of my evenings - at least 6 days a week - were taken up with homework and studying or exercise and it is the same for my kids. That seems pretty standard school life - isn’t it?

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 20:25

@Sakura7 that is good. I am genuinely glad that his mum did that for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 20:34

Thanks for letting me get this out and to talk about it.

I have to try to see that my mum wasn't able to do any better, by herself. She was struggling and suffering and depressed and She could barely take care of herself, let alone us.

I never saw my Dad after I moved to Ireland , and My Dad wrote me a letter saying that he didn't want to see me again. So I didn't do very well on the parent front.

I am quite proud of myself for getting as far as I have had done, with the parents that I had

OP posts:
Yellowtulips33 · 01/09/2020 20:37

[quote Byrtie]@SurreyHillsGirl

While I'm glad you enjoyed your childhood, do you think it contributed to your growing up into an absolute arsehole?[/quote]
😂 brilliant

Minimumstandard · 01/09/2020 20:38

@Sarahpaula. There are a lot of shitty people (as well as people who just can't cope with life). Some of them become parents unfortunately. Their children have a mountain to climb...

Well done to you for reaching the top... You can be rightly proud of yourself.

PurBal · 01/09/2020 20:39

I wasn't quite as isolated but we used to walk for hours to see friends or go to a house party. My best friend lived 3-4 miles away and her drive was half a mile long. Sorry you don't have good memories but I wouldn't consider it abusive. I moved to London for uni and loathed it, it look me ages to realise that people considered a 90 minute walk a "long way".

TabbyStar · 01/09/2020 20:43

@sarahpaula This is a really interesting book about how we need other people's brains to develop our own https://www.amazon.co.uk/General-Theory-Love-Vintage/dp/0375709223 - that and The Body Keeps The Score were revolutionary for me in understanding what had happened to me and how it has shaped me Thanks

Grannyspecsandslippers · 01/09/2020 20:44

Half my cousins live in rural areas/farms several miles from a village. They appear to have idyllic lives and grew up like that and have chosen to farm or commute to bigger towns for work but still live in remote areas/in mountains etc.
Their children are country bumpkins who run free all day long, help out on the farm, have tons of freedom get a bus to school, and seem perfectly happy.
It’s not abuse, but if it’s not for you then it’s not for you.

Grannyspecsandslippers · 01/09/2020 20:45

My cousins can’t understand how I could live in London, and why I bring my kids up in a city. They’ve even offered land for us to move to... each to their own.

MitziK · 01/09/2020 20:49

It's got fuck all to do with the location.

I would go months - the entire summer holiday - not seeing anybody except my mother and much older (ie, adult) brother. She didn't drive. She didn't want to go out. She just locked the front door and all of London was the other side of it. She didn't leave me alone, though. I had to be under supervision/house arrest in case I moved somewhere in the house I didn't have permission to go to or looked out the window.

PainintheholeSIL · 01/09/2020 21:07

I grew up somewhere exactly like that. 4 miles from the nearest village. Built a house in the same place. Rural Ireland. It's hardly abusive to live rurally. Personally I think you're being a bit ridiculous to still be annoyed about it.

Your abusive mother is what made your childhood miserable. You'd have been miserable with her regardless of where you lived.

And thanks for the ridiculous "advice" about where the rest of us should live with our kids but I think we can all make up our own minds. Hmm

Byrtie · 01/09/2020 21:14

Your abusive mother is what made your childhood miserable. You'd have been miserable with her regardless of where you lived
Given the abuse involved neglecting to facilitate any sort of social life, I doubt the OP's childhood would have been as lonely if she lived near enough other people/places she could get to on her own.

tigger001 · 01/09/2020 21:14

Yes we grew up in the sticks, it was beautiful. Our DM facilitated us having friends over or us to them, we were very imaginative and played together lots as sister and brother.

I would never move that far out, simply because I saw my DM easy controlled because she had no way of just walking to her friends or getting out if her car was taken away from her.

Sakura7 · 01/09/2020 21:19

I have to try to see that my mum wasn't able to do any better, by herself. She was struggling and suffering and depressed and She could barely take care of herself, let alone us.

While it's good that you have empathy with your mother and you understand why she behaved how she did, it doesn't change the fact that her parenting was inadequate and you deserved better. It's ok to recognise that and you don't have to explain away your very valid feelings. But I think the crux of the issue is the parenting rather than the location.

Muggly · 01/09/2020 21:29

Your mum was abusive.

I grew up very isolated, off the mainland, I live incredibly remotely now too. It's not for everyone but I love it.

VestaTilley · 01/09/2020 21:37

I’m sorry OP. I didn’t think what you’d experienced was that bad, but then I saw in your follow up posts how your Mum had treated you. She sounds like she may have been controlling and neglectful.

None of us have the right to tell you you weren’t abused. But none of us are qualified either; I’d strongly recommend trying to find support from appropriate organisations or seek counselling.

Living in isolation on its own is, of course, not abuse; but combine it with shouting at your children and leaving them alone all day, cut off from friends, family and support...well...

I hope you find the peace you need to move on.

PainintheholeSIL · 01/09/2020 21:46

@Byrtie that's a fair point. Also worth considering that even if she had been able to get places on her own, she probably wouldn't have been allowed to. Plenty of people who are being abused live near people who can help but they abuse is such that they are unable/afraid to access it.

CleanandJerk · 01/09/2020 21:59

I get you OP. Your feelings are totally valid. Such a rural location facilitated your isolation. As someone else mentioned, if it was a partner with no transport living in isolation it would be considered abuse.

I lived in a very rural location, even by Irish standards. We had no neighbours. 7 miles to nearest village, shop, school. Public transport didnt exist. The school bus stop was two miles away and I used to cycle/walk to it in all weathers. Although my parents drove, they would not facilitate any driving just for children. Anything extracurricular, like the smallest thing coming back late from something, or starting early, used to induce huge anxiety in me because my parent's answer to everything was "get a lift". Even though this would mean walking/cycling to the house of the lift. Or hitching
Didn't do many hobbies or activities except for music in school. Think of any ordinary child's activity...a party, lessons, going to a friend's...just didn't happen. We didn't have a phone so it was literally no contact. It wasnt just a social life, I had no autonomy over buying myself anything like sanitary products, shampoo, deodorant. I did go to school but the school was in a rural location. No shops nearby.
When I was older and starting going to discos my parents would sometimes leave me to the venue, but expect me to find my own way home!! And I did. However I got to stay with cousins for a week or two and I loved it.
There was other stuff too, but now looking back I can see patterns of neglect. I'm an anxious person and I can see that it all stems from my childhood. I have siblings affected too.
I now live in a town and could not face living in the country. I tried it as an adult and hated it.