Page 7 | Did anyone grow up in a really isolated area?

Aloethere · 01/09/2020 22:14

How many years ago was this? I was also born in England, had English parents and an English accent and it wasn't an issue. Also had friends with parents who were separated, parents who were widowed etc and it was never an issue.
The more you write the more it sounds like you feel comfortable in the victim role. Like I said I grew up in the middle of nowhere Ireland and my friends and I would all walk and cycle the legs off ourselves to hang out and to make our own fun. I had a shitty emotionally abusive mother too but I don't let it define me. All this blame and anger you feel isn't healthy, you need counselling or something to work it out and put it behind you.

walfordwatcher · 01/09/2020 22:22

I feel like isolation is abuse. I went to visit her this week, went to the house, and I feel total rage at her making me live in that isolated area all of my childhood. My brother is angry about it too

My children grew up in an area such as you describe. We moved there from London when they were toddlers and lived 2 miles from the nearest civilisation and 9 from the nearest small town. They have never said it felt like abuse and those who are adult think of it as an lovely childhood. As teenagers they rode bikes, walked a lot and learn to drive at 17. We found though that a lot of their friends came to our house at weekends and holidays.

For the past decade or so we have been foster carers too, so I assume that social services do not feel we are abusing the children in our care by keeping them isolated. They have all seemed happy enough, including the long term placements we have at present.

We have also been shielding since mid March due to my husband's lung disease, and all children seem to have coped really well with being isolated more than normal. In fact we've all had quite a good time together.

I am sorry you had a difficult childhood and feel abused by the isolation. But I hope I have not abused my children and many foster children by us living so rurally....I will have to ask them tomorrow for their thoughts. I wish you well.

Original poster

Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 22:39

@Aloethere this was in the late 80's, early 90's.

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Original poster

Sarahpaula · 01/09/2020 23:06

@walfordwatcher thank you. You sound like a great parent. I wish you well too

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greybuttons11 · 01/09/2020 23:30

This makes me so sad I was brought up in a new estate so there was a lot of young family's with children I played with 4 girls in my street and we were best friends I loved how we used to go to there door and ask them to come out to play like every single day we also went to the park a lot as we got older we got bikes and went everywhere I loved sleepovers , going to the shops n other small stuff but I remember it all very clearly I hope when I have children too they would have a childhood like mines

tornadoalley · 02/09/2020 09:17

We intend to move at some point and do want a rural setting, but we would make sure DS2 had plenty of access to activities locally.

Didn't you go to school and meet other kids @Sarahpaula

tornadoalley · 02/09/2020 09:18

@Sarahpaula I think the abuse is more to do with your mothers treatment if you rather than the remoteness of your home.

Beagled · 02/09/2020 09:36

I wouldn’t say it was abuse, but it’s certainly selfish. We grew up in the sticks, parents wouldn’t let us have friends round or drop people off. I ended up with really crap social skills and missed out on forming close friendship groups as could never get involved in anything outside of school

LonelyFromCorona · 02/09/2020 09:47

Sounds less like the problem was you lived in a remote location and more like the problem was with how your mum treated you...

I'm sure other parents would have made more effort to take kids out and about, drop off at friends in next village etc.

Savidog · 02/09/2020 10:49

I grew up in an isolated rural part of Ireland. I adored it, miss it and am always trying to find a similar property where I currently live. It's a lot more work and effort especially when you have to drive kids everywhere but I adored my rural childhood. We roamed for miles and had an incredible amount of freedom to be kids. I also have a very close bond with my siblings as we were eachothers playmates despite decent age gaps.
I hate living on suburbia.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/09/2020 10:53

@Sarahpaula

I was born in a city in England. When I was five my parents divorced, and my mother moved with me and my brother to a really isolated part of Ireland.

The house was not even in a village, it was not even on a main road between villages. You have to drive one mile outside of a tiny village, and then turn and drive down another two miles down a tiny bog road.

We were so isolated. I couldn't even walk to the shop.

I have had many arguments with her about this over the years. She said "well I could drive, I could drive to the shops". I said "me and my brother couldn't drive, we were totally trapped there".

I feel like isolation is abuse. I went to visit her this week, went to the house, and I feel total rage at her making me live in that isolated area all of my childhood. My brother is angry about it too.

Anyone else grow up in an isolated area and feel anger about it?

Do you often blame your mum for your own failures? I have family who lived in properly isolated areas in Australia where even a shopping trip required planning - they still managed to make friends.

ReallySpicyCurry · 02/09/2020 10:54

I lived in an area almost identical to yours, bog road and all. Miles from bus stop or shop.

I bloody loved it! I cycled everywhere and was fit as a flea.

We had lots of animals. I read, gardened and swam. Walked for miles to see local attractions such as spooky abandoned house.

And I was an only child. I had friends living in similar circumstances and they all liked it too. It's how thousands of country people lived for years.

It's not for everyone and I'm sorry it didn't suit you, but you need to stop blaming your mum for a fairly ordinary choice.

HulaHoop2012 · 02/09/2020 11:05

I totally understand OP we live in Ireland (I’m from London) when we were moving back to the village my husband is from my biggest concern was what the children would do. I made sure I know how far school was, we can walk to primary school at a push or they walk part way and I pick them up. They will walk into the village to get the bus to secondary. We have a small park, village shop and post office etc. So we are not considered completely rural but we are surrounded by fields and mountains.

I’ve helped the children maintain friendships (Im sure most parents do this, don’t they?) such as collect kids from their house or drop them home etc become involved with local GAA etc but it not a chore. It sounds as if your mum just let you get on with it which is such a shame to have to look back on your childhood like that. Sounds awful.

Also the weather in Ireland is crap! On the glorious days it’s amazing but the majority it rains sideways.

Original poster

Sarahpaula · 02/09/2020 11:14

@ReallySpicyCurry did you have a dad? It really depends on the parents that you had.

My Dad would have nothing to do with me , and I lived with my depressed single mum in an isolated area. She would not have anyone over to the house, and she would not drive us anywhere.

The level of isolation purely depends on how much your parents are willing to drive you anywhere

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Trisolaris · 02/09/2020 11:22

I can understand OP although not exactly the same

I lived in quite an isolated area and went to school a half an hour drive away.

My parents argued a lot which I still find really overwhelming and stressful to this day. My mum is a very volatile woman. I don’t know how I would have coped in lockdown with them.

On the other hand, they accepted that by choosing to live in an isolated area they should willingly be taxi drivers for their kids and they mostly did this. They are not fundamentally bad people but very difficult to be around and I live far away as I have a much better relationship with them this way. I would never move back to that sort of area if I had kids as I think it’s horrible for teenagers in particular. The freedom when you finally learn to drive!

Bargebill19 · 02/09/2020 11:28

It’s so not abuse.
Yes I grew up in the middle of nowhere. Had to cycle to get anywhere. No shop, bus, school, church etc. Did it harm me - no. Didn’t it make me stronger and much more self reliant - yes.
Downside is that no I’m the ‘go to’ person to sort every bodies problems. Whilst it’s nice to be able to help, there are times when you think ‘really? You can’t solve this yourself ????’

cologne4711 · 02/09/2020 11:33

I think you can feel isolated in the middle of a city, it's about the friends and family you make and have, rather than where you are.

However, it is certainly easier to get around if you live somewhere with pavements and bus/train services within easy reach.

We lived in an isolated house near Preston in Lancashire when I was between 1-2. My mum didn't drive at that time and the road we lived on didn't have pavements although I think there was a bus that went past occasionally. She was more or less stuck for that year - no fun with a baby/toddler. At least it was only a year though and then we moved overseas and when we came back to the UK we always lived in a large village or a town with a decent bus service.

SerenDippitty · 02/09/2020 11:37

I think I had the best of both worlds. Grew up on the outskirts of a city. Nothing but hills and fields behind us that we could roam and play onto our hearts’ content. But also a shop five minutes’ walk down the road.

The downside was that our house had huge windows overlooking the garden at the back and our house, at the end of a culdesac was slightly forward of neighbouring ones so that at night we couldn’t see their lights and there was nothing but blackness outside those big windows. Was always relieved when the curtains were drawn on winter evenings.

OP I understand your feelings. That kind of isolation doesn’t suit everyone.

allhappeningatonce · 02/09/2020 11:55

OP lots & lots of people in Ireland live as rurally as you describe. However, they definitely get (got) out more & maybe had more of a sense of a community than what you had. Even people growing up on the blasket islands must have had more interaction!
Sounds like you were more isolated due to your mother's actions. She was maybe depressed or controlling & then that made you & your brother scared to take life into your own hands & push to get out, meet friends, etc.
Some people are just more city people than country people too. You're an adult now, no one can make you live there again, just remember that!
You can't change your childhood. You can't change your mother either. But maybe you do need a little closure on all of this ❤️ don't let it affect the next chapters of your life 💕💕

SerenDippitty · 02/09/2020 12:13

Growing up in a city where there are stabbings, rapes, murders and drug dealers is so much better for the developing brain isn't it?

And of course everyone who lives in a city will come into contact with those things on a daily basis.

Original poster

Sarahpaula · 02/09/2020 12:14

@allhappeningatonce thank you. Yes other people in ireland live as rurally as I describe. However in the counteyside that I grew up in in 1980's Ireland, everyone else had a father. Literally, we were the only single parent family in the village so everyone looked down on us. If I tried to join in with things there would be comments about me being English and not having a father.

To prove the point that we were the only divorced family in the village, we moved to Ireland in 1988 and divorce wasn't legal in Ireland until 1995. Everyone looked down on me for not having a dad around, for not being catholic and for being English.

So there was the isolation from my mother, and then I recieved isolation from the village too.

It was just miserable and isolating all round. But as you say what can i do, I just have to accept it and create my own life now.

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Breckenridged · 02/09/2020 12:21

OP, I think people are giving you an unduly hard time on this thread. Your mother was abusive, yes. The physical isolation of your home helped her to facilitate that abuse. Sadly she could have done the same in a big city, too - see @MitziK’s very sad post up thread.

For my part, I grew up in a big city and longed to live in the countryside. But I would have hated your childhood - of course! - as would any of the posters disparaging you if they read your posts properly.

Babyroobs · 02/09/2020 12:24

I have a friend who lives in the middle of nowhere but she did make an effort to drive the kids for play dates and things when they were little.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/09/2020 12:31

I didn't grow up rurally but

a) I went to a school where most of us were bussed in

b) My parents were and are very introverted and insular people

My situation wasn't as bad as yours, there were local shops, some public transport and my parents did give us lifts and arrange playdates but I can relate to what people are saying about not being able to arrange your own social life. I do feel I missed out on this aspect of being a teenager, being taken to a playdate is fine when you're 7 but starts to feel very awkward as a teenager. None of my teenage friends translated into adulthood and I wonder if part of that was because we had no history of arranging to do things together.

Having parents who never had friends or guests themselves meant they weren't able to model a lot of things like what adult relationships look like. I struggled to talk to people older than me into early adulthood and my social skills were poor. I'm more sympathetic towards DP now as it wasn't a very friendly area and I appreciate how hard it can be for adults to make friends.

It wasn't an abusive upbringing but I think when taken to the extreme like in your case it does become abuse. I think parents need to realise their children need the right environment to develop necessary life skills.

SerenDippitty · 02/09/2020 12:37

@SerenDippitty

Growing up in a city where there are stabbings, rapes, murders and drug dealers is so much better for the developing brain isn't it?

And of course everyone who lives in a city will come into contact with those things on a daily basis.

And also many rural areas do have drug problems precisely because there isn’t much else to do.