Did anyone grow up in a really isolated area?

[Sarahpaula]

I was born in a city in England. When I was five my parents divorced,
and my mother moved with me and my brother to a really isolated part of Ireland.

The house was not even in a village, it was not even on a main road between villages. You have to drive one mile outside of a tiny village, and then turn and drive down another two miles down a tiny bog road.

We were so isolated. I couldn't even walk to the shop.

I have had many arguments with her about this over the years. She said "well I could drive, I could drive to the shops". I said "me and my brother couldn't drive, we were totally trapped there".

I feel like isolation is abuse. I went to visit her this week, went to the house, and I feel total rage at her making me live in that isolated area all of my childhood. My brother is angry about it too.

Anyone else grow up in an isolated area and feel anger about it?

Your feelings of neglect/abuse are valid. It was a shit experience for you. You don’t need strangers on the internet to agree with you. It’s your experience and your feelings - many people can’t imagine how you felt. But don’t try to minimise your feelings, or you won’t be able to move forward and heal.

Years ago I dated a man who was living with his teenagers in a rural/isolated property. It was very beautiful and would have been idyllic when they were small children.

But, as teenagers, I could see how desperate and lonely they were being housebound when he wasn’t there (which was often). He ended up moving to another rural house, but closer to a village, and with access to public transport - the change in the teenagers was remarkable.

When I chose my current home, because of what I saw with his children, I was very mindful that I would soon have my own teenagers and I wanted them to have independence to see local friends, access to public transport etc. And it’s true, it has really helped my DCs mental health to gave the ability to connect with the world on their own terms.

You should acknowledge the unhappiness you experienced as a child because of your physical isolation and the trauma from how your mother treated you both - you had no sense of connection to other loving humans (family, friends etc). You were deprived of that strong human need to connect with a community.

But you are in control now, you never have to live like that again

@CorianderLord I did have a bike.

I have to describe the area I lived in. I lived on a tiny country road that ended in a bog. Only one car could fit on the road. If a car came the other way, a car would have to pull in to a ditch to let the other car pass by.

Three miles away there was not so much what I would call a village, but what I would call a junction. It had a few houses and a tiny shop. I could bike as far as there, yes.

Anywhere else was too far to bike to. You needed to drive to get anywhere else.

Thanks for that lovely post @fancyminion.

And that is brilliant - that you are thinking about your children's mental well being. Great to hear

Thanks for that post @Gottalovesummer ❤️❤️

@Byrtie thanks for that!

@Sarahpaula

Yes *@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches* it is an age clash. When an adult gets older, they start to want to live in a more peaceful place. But a child wants something to do, and is bored by an isolated, peaceful place.

I think the child should have priority, because it is the child's brain that is developing, and a child growing up in an isolated area can really cause damage to them.

Growing up in a city where there are stabbings, rapes, murders and drug dealers is so much better for the developing brain isn't it?

@TabbyStar I send you a hug! Yes, I beloeve I really was brain damaged from isolation. I couldn't talk to people. When I was 20 I went over to visit my cousin in England , and she thought that I was really weird. My brain really wasn't normal. I went to college and everyone there thought that I was really weird. My brain just wasn't working properly.

Only after living in cities, did my brain start to improve.

@baldrickslittlesister silly post. It's not a choice between total isolation and the inner city. I live in the suburbs.

Two miles up a fell! The nearest shop was ten miles away. It was isolated but always busy. I have no issues from it but wouldn't choose to live that remotely, although rather that than a city.

@cptartapp no I never saw my Dad.

I am glad that some people enjoyed their rural lives. It really does depend on the circumstances.

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@baldrickslittlesister silly post. It's not a choice between total isolation and the inner city. I live in the suburbs.[/quote]
No, it's not a silly post at all. There is more crime in the suburbs than in the countryside. Try looking up the crime stats for your postcode, you can view detailed information.

We moved to a tiny village in the Shropshire hills when I was 10, and I hated it. Living in the country was my parents’ dream, and dsis and I weren’t even asked how we felt.

There was no shop in the village - the nearest place to buy anything was the petrol station 2 miles away. The primary school was tiny - 10 children in the Infants and 18 in the Juniors - and apart from dsis and I, they all had all known each other from babyhood onwards - we spoke with a very different accent to the local one, and our parents were teachers, whereas most of the local families were farmers, so we just didn’t fit in at all. I was bullied pretty much from the word go, and it only got worse at senior school.

Even when I did make a few friends, it didn’t make my life any less lonely because they lived miles away, and I had no way of getting to see them outside school. We only had one car - mum didn’t drive anyway - and dad needed that to get to work, so if it was out of walking distance, I couldn’t go.

It seemed to be out of the question for dad to drive us anywhere to facilitate any sort of social life - school discos etc - basically he would only drive us to things he and mum approved of - music lessons and Guides.

There was next to no bus service - on a Wednesday a bus went round the villages picking everyone up to take them to the nearest town, and you got a couple of hours there, then the bus took everyone home. Miss that bus and you had more than 5 miles walk to get home. Apart from this, the nearest bus stop was 2 miles away - with an hourly bus service in either direction during the day, and stopping altogether in the evening. Not that the bus was any use to me, because I didn’t get enough pocket money to afford bus fare, and there is no way my parents would have paid for me to get the bus anywhere.

Basically my parents got the lifestyle they wanted, but didn’t think about the impact on me or dsis. I was a lonely and depressed child, the victim of bullies, with no friends and no way to escape.

I grew up in a very small hamlet three miles from the nearest town. There was no bus. Fortunately my parents were willing to drive us to things, and I had several friends my own age in the village and we all went on the same school bus to the same school.

Yes we were isolated and dependent on them for lifts (which fortunately they gave). We cycled places and made our own entertainment outside or round each other's houses when the weather was bad. We were often outside in the dark in the winter - parents just let us crack on.

I wasn't as isolated as you, but it was fairly rural. I feel privileged in some ways. I don't want to sound corny, but I grew up appreciating the the turn of the seasons, the first lambs and primroses and the leaves turning in autumn.

A lot depends on the teenager in question. My parents weren't great, but it wasn't because of where they chose to live.

Crime stats for a nice suburban postcode in a desirable area for 1 month, an area with good policing and not one where you'd expect a lot of crime. For comparison, crime stats for a rural area also with good policing. I rest my case.

Sarahpaula - I think it sounds like you were emotionally neglected - your mother moved you to an area and made no attempt to give you or your brother company or social life. She didn’t facilitate a life for either of you. I’m so sorry. I had a friend who said his parents left him to entertain himself the entire summer and all his friends lived away from the area or went off on holiday - his parents never took him anywhere. I think that is wrong. He found it awful. I do think you are right to feel the way you feel and I do feel it is a form of neglect.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius yes! That is EXACTLY how I felt. My mother wanted a peaceful life in the countryside, and my brother and I hated every minute of it, and it was awful.

Your post is so exactly how I felt. Trapped and no way to escape.

Your really have to go through it to understand the lonliness, boredom, and not being able to escape. I feel we are supporting each other , being able to write about it. I would love to talk to some of you more. I will send you a message

If anyone has been through a similiar childhood and would like to message me, please do. I would love to talk to you

Lots of kids in Ireland grow up in rural areas and can't walk to the nearest town, it's hardly unusual. I presume you saw your friends at school and at clubs after school/during summer. My DP and plenty of my friends grew up in places like this and they had good childhoods. Comparing it to child abuse is ludicrous and very insensitive to those who have suffered real abuse.

I forgot to say OP, I totally get how isolating it must have felt, even though luckily I didn't have to face it myself so much. When my dad got older and developed dementia, I used to worry so much for him in that silent village. I firmly believe it hastened his decline.

@baldrickslittlesister right, so all children who live in the suburbs grow up scarred because of all the crime? Come on. More people = more crime, that's obvious, but it's not an issue day to day for the majority of people.

@baldrickslittlesister, I think many people crave a sense of connection, of community.

My DM grew up in rural Australia, hundreds of kms from the nearest town. But the isolation was acknowledged and they had coping mechanisms - schooling via the radio, where other children were in the same situation. Also the ritual of a trip to the nearest town for supplies. But the loneliness was real and shared by everyone in the region. She was sent to boarding school as a teenager so those years she was not isolated.

I once employed someone who had grown up on a remote island (before the internet). She seemed quite ‘wrecked’ mentally and often spoke of how traumatic the geographic isolation was - she felt trapped there with no respite from her unkind mother (she was homeschooled). I ended up letting her go (she found other, better work and we’ve stayed in touch as friends) as I couldn’t bear the psychological load she brought to the workplace. She’s doing much better now as she has acknowledged her painful childhood. In fact she has truly blossomed (lives in the middle of a busy city and is deeply involved in her local community here).

Her immense improvement and personal growth makes more sense to me now.

@Sakura7 did your DP have a dad, did he have parents that drove him places?

I already said that I didn't see my Dad at all, and my mum would not drive me anywhere.

The level of isolation really depends on how much your parents will bring you places.

AlternativePerspective
Wow !
Also grew up abroad and went to a one teacher primary with all students 5-12 yrs in together bused from up to an hour away.
For secondary, boarded with girls who had a teacher part of the year and did correspondence (by snail mail) schooling as their farm homestead was a 3 hour drive in from a real road.

@HesterShaw1 thanks for that post

Living in the country side isn't abusive... your mother was. You're conflating the two.

My DC are currently being brought up in rural Ireland too. As a born and bred city girl this is something I've fretted about and I am planning to move once the youngest reaches school age. However, my fretting is mostly about myself and the inconveniences I'll face with work/childcare, even if I don't move they could still have a very lovely life here and their quality of life is miles ahead of what mine was as a child.

I bring them out and about all the time and while still very young, they've had tons of opportunities and have lead quite busy lives so far! It's really, really beautiful where we are and I think they've had the best of both worlds but that's because I put in the effort. I think if you decide to raise your DC in the country you have to be prepared to put the work in to open up their world a bit.

I'm sorry you had a shit time OP. I also must admit I feel a bit sorry for your mother. It couldn't have been easy moving countries with two small DC and being a single parent. Especially being a divorcee in rural Ireland, presumably at a time when such a thing was considered quite scandalous. There's no excuse for shouting and screaming but I imagine it was quite a stressful situation for her? Why did she move you all there? Was she from there originally?