Did anyone grow up in a really isolated area?

[Sarahpaula]

I was born in a city in England. When I was five my parents divorced,
and my mother moved with me and my brother to a really isolated part of Ireland.

The house was not even in a village, it was not even on a main road between villages. You have to drive one mile outside of a tiny village, and then turn and drive down another two miles down a tiny bog road.

We were so isolated. I couldn't even walk to the shop.

I have had many arguments with her about this over the years. She said "well I could drive, I could drive to the shops". I said "me and my brother couldn't drive, we were totally trapped there".

I feel like isolation is abuse. I went to visit her this week, went to the house, and I feel total rage at her making me live in that isolated area all of my childhood. My brother is angry about it too.

Anyone else grow up in an isolated area and feel anger about it?

I just feel so angry about it. Yes, I guess if you have good parents who are willing to drive you around, the isolation is not so bad.

My brother is severely depressed from our upbringing.

I guess I have to accept ir

The isolation would have been ok or mitigated if you had had a loving caregiver OP, but you didn't . I'm sorry, that's shit.

You are blaming the wrong thing. It’s your mother who was neglectful and abusive, not the location of where you lived. I’m sure being so rural didn’t help, but I suspect she would have been neglectful and abusive wherever you lived. Sorry you had such a shit childhood

Thank you very much @ScrapThatThen.

@Bumfuzzled yes I am starting to realise that Bumfuzzled, thank you.

It was the feeling if not being able to escape from my mother. I do think that some abusers do like to isolate their victims, to have more power and control over them. And some parents can be abusers. My brother doesn't speak to my mum anymore.

We spent 2 years in a remote village abroad where we didn't speak the language, there was no bus or shop or pub. We went to school on the school bus but were otherwise stuck with a lift. My mother drove about 30kmiles a year to ensure we had some sort of social life and could do after school activities.
We moved to a suburb beside a train station when I was 16 and it was life changing. 16 to 18 were amazing years of independence in comparison to being trapped in the beautiful rural idyll.
I get you OP. And I am raising my DC in
the suburbs with shops and trains and classmates who live nearby.

Yes I do, I was taken away from everybody I loved, all of my friends, my country and my pets were given away to a pet shop and taken to live on a tiny Island in the middle of the Indian Ocean by my mother and her new husband back in the 1960's way before all the tourist expansion and was stuck there until I was 16 and then was returned to the UK feeling like a total fish out of water out of touch with the whole world. I'm 60 now and don't feel like I've ever recovered. Nothing about the experience was good. And yes I'm angry, my whole life would have been different had I been allowed to stay at home.

It sounds like you actually have other issues with your childhood besides the location of it.

I grew up in a very rural area, as did many of my friends. We loved it. We had bikes or walked, or those with ponies used those. We had space for dogs and chickens. Long evenings camping with friends in the summer. It was in many ways idyllic. I don't know any of my friends who hated their lifestyle.

The nearest town with more than a handful of tiny shops was about 15/20 miles away and school involved a long bus ride.

I moved away for university and work but go back regularly and keep an eye of rightmove for the day an affordable suitable house comes up. I'd love to raise a family there.

I grew up six miles from the nearest shop and my mum didn't even drive.

Different, yes.
Abuse, no.

I still love to go back there for peace. I love that I grew up there, and I would like to raise my kids somewhere similar.

If your relationship with your mum was poor, it would have been anywhere. My mum was and is a very difficult person, but the same would have been true anywhere.

And being stuck out there with an abusive parent would have been soul destroying.

@turkeyboots thank you so much for sharing! There is nothing worse than feeling trapped.

And yes the joy and freedom that comes when you eventually can move to a more populated place. I never take that freedom for granted

@turkeyboots I have to say it was absolute hell living in an isolated area with my mother. It was hell on earth.

She would have been bad if she lived in a city, yes she would have been the same, but I would have been able to escape every day and go somehere

I am glad you enjoyed it @SNStoday. I see that it reallt does depend on how your family is.

I think a few things are being conflated.
The isolation and

@madcatladyforever I am so glad that you understand! Yes , also being taken to a different country is part of it.

I was also taken to a different country that I didn't want to live in. I understand you. I send you a huge hug!

I get you OP. I grew up in a similar scenario. So many pp’s saying “couldn’t you just cycle” neglected kids don’t tend to get given things like bikes! It was hell and I went to the extreme and brought my own DC up in London. We still have relatives back near that rural place and my DC say they are so thankful I moved away and they didn’t have to be brought up there.

Thank you so much for sharing that @mereum. I send you a hug. I have been through a lot of things, and I honestly think the worst thing by far, was isolation. It is deprivation, lonliness and wasting time of your precious life that you never get back.

I always live in a big city now. The sheer joy of having places to go. To be able to walk to a coffee shop and sit down and have a coffee.

Humans need to have things to do

I was also taken to a different country that I didn't want to live in. I understand you. I send you a huge hug!

And to you. Not speaking or understanding the language was awful too, added to the isolation and the fear.

I lived 2 miles from the nearest shop /bus stop. I just factored this into my day as a teenager. The council provided transport for after school but not morning (not sure why). It never was an issue for me or my siblings, we just got on with it.

I grew up slap bang in the middle of a large city. Bus stop 20 metres from the house, train station 5 mins walk away (both with services til midnight), choice of schools and colleges. Plenty of places for a teenager to find a Saturday job. Cinemas, sports clubs, libraries and youth clubs nearby. Lots of different world cuisines available and people from several other cultures as neighbours. I absolutely loved it and learnt so much stuff that you'd never find out about otherwise.

@Sarahpaula I'm sorry your life was like that. I really hope you are making up for it now though - I know it's easier said than done but please try and move onwards and upwards rather than dwelling on the past and letting it spoil the present.

Is she still controlling now that you are an adult, OP?

YABU. Her behaviour was abusive.

A hug to you too Sarah. I think that’s the thing, plenty of people now talking about how lockdown has affected their mental health, and the mental health of their DC’s. We went through years of it! Yes I went to school but when you’re never allowed to a friends house after school or to invite anyone over then you don’t get to form any close friendships. Most of the kids at my school lived in a bigger village several miles from where I lived. They probably had a better time of it as they got to hang out together. But I was stuck and couldn’t go there myself. I was 18 years old the first time I went to the cinema! I know exactly what you mean about the joy of being able to just go to places. Although the upside is I did cope very well with lockdown having had years of practice!

If parents want to lead an isolated life in a rural idyll, they need to be prepared to facilitate their children having social lives etc.

The abuse was the abuse, not the countryside.

I accept if you are going to abuse your children, it could be worse for them in the countryside than in a city as they can't easily get help, but you are conflating 2 separate issues.

Your mother was abusive. That's the issue. Not the location. The majority of country dwelling parents don't abuse their children, and their children have lovely childhoods.

Your thread should read "my mother was abusive, and living in the country made me feel isolated from potential friends or neighbours who might have helped". You can't slag off the whole of the countryside just because your mother was horrible.

There are sometimes downsides to city living too, especially in more deprived areas: gang violence, crime, noise, pollution, road traffic accidents, cramped accommodation, limited garden space, etc.