to not want DD(14) to have this T-Shirt

[SqueamishMum]

Need a sanity check here (have name-changed so this isn't linked to other threads as I may be identifiable here)

A couple of weeks ago, DD(14) and I went to a thrift shop. I had given her some money to spend. She came up to me holding a T-Shirt balled up in her hands so I couldn't see the design, saying she was going to buy it.

Once she had bought it, she said to me "mum, you're not going to like this" and showed me the design on the T-Shirt. Basically it is a cartoon of someone getting their arm shredded in a blender with their eyes popping out. It is quite stylised and cartoony, but it is, in my opinion, gory (lots of cartoon blood).

I was unimpressed and said to her that I wasn't happy with her having it. She then said to me "oh well, too late to return it now" and swanned out of the shop.

I was pretty angry at her attitude and called her back. I went up to the counter with her and said she was to return it. The young woman behind the counter looked at the T-Shirt and said "really? I like it". I repeated that it was to be returned. She turned to my daughter and said "do you want to return it?". I said to her again that it was to be returned. My daughter was saying "it's my money!", but then relented and said she would return it.

The manager had to be called. The T-shirt was returned. My daughter went back into the shop to find something else to buy. I was feeling really angry, with my daughter for trying to get one over on me, but more with the attitude of the shop assistant undermining me, so I waited outside the shop.

My daughter came out with a couple of non-gory T-shirts and we left.

It has since transpired that the shop assistant, feeling sorry for my daughter, gave her the gory t-shirt free of charge.

My daughter confessed this to me, then said she had worn it out, and her dad really likes it, his girlfriend really likes it, her friend and her friend's mother really likes it. It's only me that doesn't like it. (Her dad btw utterly despises me and will take any opportunity to undermine me with her).

I personally feel it's really antisocial to wear a t-shirt like that out at the park (as DD has been doing) where there are small kids. It's a nasty image and it makes me feel squeamish every time I see it.

I've told DD that I don't want her wearing it around me. She said OK . This weekend she came back from her dad's wearing it. I told her to change and she said "it's fine, I'm only going to be wearing it upstairs where you can't see".

I'm not generally draconian about my daughter's style choices - I just find the image on this T-shirt inappropriate. However, it seems the shop assistant and other adults she's talked to about it since think I'm over the top.

I'm willing to accept that maybe I am being - but feel DD's testing boundaries on quite a few things atm. I'm generally a bit of a pushover and was trying to be less so this time.

Would be really interested to know what others think

Thanks

You massively over reacted.

It reminded me of a t-shirt I had when I was 14/15. Cartoon teddy with its head in a vice. I didn't see any issue with it, a friends mum was horrified by it. I wore it quite frequently round to my friends house after that . Mostly because I was intentionally being obnoxious. I would have been bored of it much quicker had there been no reaction tbh.

I can understand your daughter hiding the t shirt from you in order to avoid your reaction.

All those saying they would keep the T-shirt then “lose” or “damage” it:

How would you feel if your teen did the same in reverse ie agreed to something and then “accidently on purpose” did the opposite?

If you disagree with something at least have the balls to have a proper argument about it and explain your reasons. Unless you want your child to learn it’s just easier to agree and then go behind your back

The ops accepted with good grace she messed Up. We all do as parents at points

But the folks giving out shit advice like cut it up burn it destroy it are displaying proactively really shite parenting advice. You don’t parent well by destroying the item, even if the op was in the right.

Op. Don’t make a big deal of it. Just tell her you over reacted and to wear the t shirt as she pleases.

The thing is though you need to be honest with yourself if not us, because you state she hid it then said mum you’re not going to like this. So you’ve clearly got previous for this sort of controlling stuff over her clothes.

She’s fourteen and she’s going to push boundaries if she doesn’t agree with you, that’s normal and healthy. In terms of clothing let her get on with it,develop her own sense of style and don’t be controlling about what she wears.

You really overreacted imo. How embarrassing for her in that shop, I’m proper cringing.
She’s 14, not 4

My Mum HATED most of my clothes when I was a teenager. I look back on most of them and cringe, to be fair. But that's fine, it's part of growing up and finding your own sense of self. My Mum rarely said anything, she even bought me some of them. It was a phase, I grew out of it, our relationship is great. I'm thankful she let me make my own mistakes. You can't keep treating your daughter like she's a toddler that you can dress. This is a real non-issue in the grand scheme of things and it sounds like you really overreacted. At 14 she's at a point where she'll soon be making much bigger choices with longer-term effects than wearing a crappy t-shirt. Don't be the parent she won't speak to about anything because you overreact and embarrass her (marching her back into the shop is humiliating and unnecessary and when a shop assistant who doesn't even know your daughter is compelled to feel sorry for her then that's pretty telling that your actions weren't great). The more you react, the more she'll test the boundaries, and then the more she'll pull away from you as you overreact to each nudge. It's a vicious cycle and one you'd be best to break. Save your outrage for something worthwhile. Wearing a horrible t-shirt won't affect either of you in the long-term, therefore it's probably not worth getting het up about.

I think you've made this t-shirt SUPER attractive to your DD by your (over) reaction.

She is testing boundaries, finding ways to be "edgy" and "individual".

I'd be more pissed off with the interfereing sales person!

CrazyToast - I was definitely more pissed off with the interfering sales person than DD - if I made too much of an issue out of it (which I accept I did), she then magnified it. I wasn't expecting her to get the manager either - just thought she'd quietly refund it and DD could buy something else.

I feel suitably chastened. It's not pleasant to go through the cleansing fire of Mumsnet opinion - but I did want honest opinions because I'm still learning. I'm sure there are other areas where my parenting isn't as overbearing! I hope so anyway!!

I like the earlier advice that you should start wearing the t shirt yourself...! This thread has made me so grateful that my children are still very young.

OP, I think you have been very gracious in accepting everyone’s views on this (some expressed a little firmly, I think). Raising teenagers is tough, and no doubt having her father undermining you doesn’t help. Don’t be hard on yourself!

Good luck with the teen yearsOP . I definitely picked my battles and this is definitely one I would not have bothered with ! She is 14 not 4 .

@SqueamishMum
The more you fuss, the worse it will get.
It’s her money, and had you not said anything, she’d probably have got bored of it,or her friends would have said something unflattering.
My dad went nuts once over a modest shirt I was wearing and ripped it off in a rage.
It was grim.
Not worth battling over.

This thread has made me so grateful that my children are still very young.

Ah... but you have it all to look forward to!

Calm down.
BTDTGTTS.. or rather, my teen son did; same age. As I recall, his charity shop camo Tshirt said " Join the Army! Travel the world, meet lots of interesting people and kill the bastards". How he enjoyed defiantly wearing the T shirt his parents hated :-}

As parents, you just have to accept that the job of teenagers is to push parental boundaries and rebel. That's how they eventually define their own values. Along the way the rebels are going to make some bad decisions and bad choices. My Parenting tip is, let them get all that rebellion out of their system on stuff that won't affect e their health, safety or future. So, if your teen embraces crap fashion, T-shirt slogans, make-up, hairstyles, music; grit your teeth, avert your eyes, and let them fill their boots. It's all temporary nonsense.

Save the major showdowns, grounding, and total bans for safety issue stuff that really matters ( smoking, drugs and booze, speeding, lawbreaking, high risk company and activities ).

@PerditaNitt

I like the earlier advice that you should start wearing the t shirt yourself...! This thread has made me so grateful that my children are still very young.

OP, I think you have been very gracious in accepting everyone’s views on this (some expressed a little firmly, I think). Raising teenagers is tough, and no doubt having her father undermining you doesn’t help. Don’t be hard on yourself!

Thank you for this. I do feel a bit shaken up now and am doing lots of beating myself up - though I probably needed to hear stuff that wasn't pleasant to hear. I really appreciate you kind post

@SqueamishMum
Your First Teen is a baptism of 🔥😂
My DS had a Misfits t shirt with leering skull 💀 I wasn’t mad keen on- he still has it, years later, much faded, much loved😂
Let’s hope your DD isn’t as attached to her shredder t shirt.
Is it a band t shirt?
Sounds an odd design.
👍

I thought it was going to be something nasty like ‘wet pussy’. A bit gory would be fine in my book. I wouldn’t draw a battleline I bet it.

It sounds vile but the more you make a fuss about it the more she will want to wear it.

That's teens for you!

😂Re T shirts DS was sitting eating in a new T shirt once- I thought it said
ANUSFORM

I laughed and said “
Who is “ANUSFORM?”
He looked annoyed, stood up,
And I could see it said
Any Forty in fancy script- I think a biking brand?

I felt very old indeed🤓

I too think it was slight over reaction from you OP. Especially as she was using her own money.

I have a DD15. She often goes out with her friends to 'thrift' stores. In the past 12 months she's come back with some clothes that I think are VILE. Not necessarily violent cartoon t-shirts but horrible 80's jumpers in horrible shapes with purple and brown flashes in wool all over them. Honestly awful. The last worst thing was a horrid red 80's puffer jacket that looked like it had walked off the set of Grange Hill. She loved it and wore it all last Autumn. Awful. Made her look awful.
Not that I ever told her. It's her money.

Parenting teens can be hard. I only get half a day when I'm paying!

Next time she wears the t-shirt just grit your teeth OP.

*Half a say.

It's a gory cartoon t-shirt, give over, she's 14.
She must have been mortified.

Give it a few wears and then lose it in the wash

A compusory purchase order to buy the t-shirt from her. Oh my days

Laughing at ANUSFORM. OP, don't despair. One of the things I struggle with is needing to have a response immediately - the JUST PARENT FGS! response you had in the shop. I wonder whether maybe you don't expect your daughter to go for gory and it threw you? You don't sound like a terrible mum! My initial reaction to the post was 'oh no I'd hate that tee too' - but I have t shirts that I couldn't wear when working with kids, it's just that they're a bit small now so I haven't seen them in a while! I will say I remember watching Goodfellas at maybe age 16 and loving it. I don't remember any of it, I clearly wasn't being critical in my engagement. I also watched Heavenly Creatures (google it if you haven't seen it) at about her age and I was gripped. When I was 17, 18 I watched Clockwork Orange with a friend and I hated it. I still do. So many things I can't watch and refuse to go near now. Her brain will change loads these next few years. Give yourself chance to mull stuff over. The main question for me is always "is this urgent? Are they in danger?" and if not, I can take a moment or a few to decide how I'm feeling and how to respond. Hope the chat goes well. Oh, and my parent threw out a skateboarding t shirt of my brother's for a similar reason and he still hasn't forgotten or forgiven her. It would have been worth a bit now.

YABU. Sounds like something my 15yo would wear and, while I wouldn't like it, it's her t-shirt. If she did have one I'd maybe say something about not wearing it in front of some relatives (like my very traditional parents or my 3 year old niece) but otherwise let her crack on.