to not want DD(14) to have this T-Shirt

[SqueamishMum]

Need a sanity check here (have name-changed so this isn't linked to other threads as I may be identifiable here)

A couple of weeks ago, DD(14) and I went to a thrift shop. I had given her some money to spend. She came up to me holding a T-Shirt balled up in her hands so I couldn't see the design, saying she was going to buy it.

Once she had bought it, she said to me "mum, you're not going to like this" and showed me the design on the T-Shirt. Basically it is a cartoon of someone getting their arm shredded in a blender with their eyes popping out. It is quite stylised and cartoony, but it is, in my opinion, gory (lots of cartoon blood).

I was unimpressed and said to her that I wasn't happy with her having it. She then said to me "oh well, too late to return it now" and swanned out of the shop.

I was pretty angry at her attitude and called her back. I went up to the counter with her and said she was to return it. The young woman behind the counter looked at the T-Shirt and said "really? I like it". I repeated that it was to be returned. She turned to my daughter and said "do you want to return it?". I said to her again that it was to be returned. My daughter was saying "it's my money!", but then relented and said she would return it.

The manager had to be called. The T-shirt was returned. My daughter went back into the shop to find something else to buy. I was feeling really angry, with my daughter for trying to get one over on me, but more with the attitude of the shop assistant undermining me, so I waited outside the shop.

My daughter came out with a couple of non-gory T-shirts and we left.

It has since transpired that the shop assistant, feeling sorry for my daughter, gave her the gory t-shirt free of charge.

My daughter confessed this to me, then said she had worn it out, and her dad really likes it, his girlfriend really likes it, her friend and her friend's mother really likes it. It's only me that doesn't like it. (Her dad btw utterly despises me and will take any opportunity to undermine me with her).

I personally feel it's really antisocial to wear a t-shirt like that out at the park (as DD has been doing) where there are small kids. It's a nasty image and it makes me feel squeamish every time I see it.

I've told DD that I don't want her wearing it around me. She said OK . This weekend she came back from her dad's wearing it. I told her to change and she said "it's fine, I'm only going to be wearing it upstairs where you can't see".

I'm not generally draconian about my daughter's style choices - I just find the image on this T-shirt inappropriate. However, it seems the shop assistant and other adults she's talked to about it since think I'm over the top.

I'm willing to accept that maybe I am being - but feel DD's testing boundaries on quite a few things atm. I'm generally a bit of a pushover and was trying to be less so this time.

Would be really interested to know what others think

Thanks

She’s 14! You were being very unreasonable and probably really embarrassed her.

^^oh and also I would still offer (ie insist upon) a compusory purchase order to buy the t-shirt from her and buy her something else less graphic or offensive to some.

[quote ThePluckOfTheCoward]@Everysinglebloodytime

Can you imagine being 14 and your mother behaves like that? Passive aggressive jibes aside, I would find that very, very hard to get over.

Do you really think her reaction over a cartoon tshirt was acceptable?

Whilst I don't think I would have been bothered about my 14 yr old wearing the T-shirt, from the description that Op gives and yes I would probably have been a bit annoyed as the daughter, to say that the relationship with the mother would be dramatically changed does seem overly dramatic and I am sure the DD will get over it. Frankly if that is the worst that ever happens to the DD she will have had a charmed childhood.[/quote]
I agree with your last sentence but 14 year olds aren't known for their logical, balanced responses.

Sounds like OP has realised that they over reacted so hopefully this will become one of those funny stories rather than something which is a trigger for further ill feeling.

@Therollockingrogue

Well ‘Pick your battles’ is the very best advice for dealing with teens. If she wants to wear a hideous t shirt. Let her. If she wants to smoke crack, object. That way you maintain a little respect and authority and don’t become Mrs bad guy.

This!!

By making it such a big deal, you are glamourising it and she'll just wear it more and more to make you react. Don't forget, she then gets to go to her dad's and tell him that you don't like it!

Let her get on with it.

Oh, let it go! She's 14 - that's what 14 year olds do. They enjoy playing with odd things they know adults wouldn't all approve of, and the more you push back, the more she'll do it.

I was about that age when I got a t-shirt off the local market with a picture of Malteasers on the front... Only instead of Malteasers, it said "Manteaser". I thought I was the cleverest, most subversive teen ever!
At the time, my dad was a sixth form tutor, and didn't even blink, and my mum was never bothered. So I even wore that t-shirt to visit my 80 year old gran, hoping to get a rise out of her, but she just laughed!

Never bothered with any more stupid shirts, because no one cared!

It was I suppose Gory but not inflammatory. Some t shirts are very offensive in their language and what they say but I would not get uset by it (I would have probably picked it out for her!!!

YABU. It’s not you wearing it. You sound a bit of a nightmare.

Your house, your rules

I wouldn't apologise to her either in so many words. You are then asking for her forgiveness when she then went behind your back (rightly or wrongly). I would maybe say that you regret the way you handled things (making her take it back to the shop probably was most embarrassing, manager being called and all that palaver etc) however that there's personal style which you are happy for her to express (evidencing turquoise lipstick at 11 and other examples you have) and then there's offensive images and in your opinion it falls into offensiveness and there is a difference. Try to have a real conversation about it without it turning into a row. (yes, I know).

Cut it up, her attitude stinks.

Cut it up, her attitude stinks.

Sorry but in the real world you can’t just damage someone’s property because their attitude stinks, of I’d be letting people’s tyres down weekly for parking in my parking space.

I wouldn't have an issue with it personally, but then my mother was controlling about clothes which has probably swayed my opinion

God all you people damaging your children's property and shouting about 'laying down the law' to 14 year olds for picking a t shirt.

Good luck to you is all I can say! I live 10,000 miles away from my parents for a reason

She hid the image because she knew how you'd react and has probably had enough of it.

Honestly stop trying to treat her like she's 6 and stop humiliating her in public. Or you won't have a clue how to manage real issues that can arise during the teenage years.

YABU

The other week ds and I were in a shop and he asked for some t shirts that weren't plain and wanted purple ones or with purple.

I saw a really nice one with California or something emblazoned on it.

Ds looked at me with complete disdain (he's 16)

"I am NOT wearing anything that references America and therefore could be relayed to Trump"

Nowt so queer as Teens and their clothing

@bigyellowflower - why not apologise? She went over the top and embarrassed her daughter. If you cant apologise to your child - what are you teaching them? Apologising isnt seeking forgiveness it is recognising that you made a mistake and letting your teen know that you are all knowing and powerful. It will foster an atmosphere of reconciliation and promote further discussion. It also opens a channel for them to see your point of view.

doh *not all knowing and all powerful.

jeez - amazing how it changes the context completely!

I'm not sure what the problem is with crop tops and ripped jeans from a previous poster.

If you react to a t shirt like this she's going to be less forthcoming about bigger issues (teenage drinking, sex, etc), because she's not going to have any faith in your reactions.

It's just a gory top. I wouldn't like a t shirt like that now but I absolutely would have loved it at 14. If you don't like the t shirt, the best approach is to explain why, have a discussion about it then drop the matter. Where does it end? Will you continue to control her clothing choices at 16? 18? Until she lives moves away? Beyond that?

Some fights aren't worth it and this is one of them.

You sound very uptight. Pick your battles.

I would be much more bothered about her sneakily hiding the picture in the shop when she knew I wouldn’t approve, than the T shirt itself.

But maybe you are too controlling about clothes generally and that’s why she felt the need to be sneaky rather than having an open discussion.

I was a pretty well behaved teen and was mostly very honest with my mum. That happened because she didn’t make a big deal out of small things and was willing to see my point of view.

If you keep going this way I suspect your DD will just do more stuff behind your back.
Pick your battles.

@Wheresthebiffer2

If it were my daughter, the tee-shirt would never re-surface after washing. (ie she can wear it once, but then I will bin it). I think you are correct in being firm - keep control now as things are about to get tricky. Ripped jeans, cropped tops, bum-cheek showing shorts - rude logos. Stand firm mama, and protect your daughter from her own bad taste.

Oh dear god... 🤦🏻‍♀️

Question for those advocating cutting it up, bleaching it, 'losing' it, etc.

Beyond making the parent feel as if they've won in a power struggle, what do you think this actually accomplishes? It doesn't change the DD's mind about the appropriateness of the t-shirt. It doesn't make her more likely to trust and be honest with her mother in future. It won't stop her having 'attitude' in future - if anything, feeling aggrieved and like the wronged party will cause more of it.

The shop assistant was probably pleased to get it out of the shop.
This has become a battle of wills now. Ask yourself if it's worth the hassle. Personally, not a hill I would want to die on or have as a point of principle. The less you say, the quicker this will become less important.
Next time! Smile, say 'interesting look' and ignore. If it's truly horrible (like the Slipknot top DSD came home with) after a few washes it met a terrible outcome in a washing machine disaster. Oh dear, oh dear

I do think it sounds like you lost it a bit, but I don't think you were necessarily wrong to make her return it - on the basis of her attitude and that she tried to hide what she was buying from you. I would have said to her that you would probably have expressed your disapproval but reluctantly let her have it if she hadn't been so sneaky about it. As a PP said, if she behaves like an adult you treat her like one. And I'd be having a word with the shop re. the assistant. She could have expressed her sympathy and given your daughter a discount/extra freebie if she wished, rather than the offending shirt.