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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DD(14) to have this T-Shirt

431 replies

SqueamishMum · 01/09/2020 11:56

Need a sanity check here (have name-changed so this isn't linked to other threads as I may be identifiable here)

A couple of weeks ago, DD(14) and I went to a thrift shop. I had given her some money to spend. She came up to me holding a T-Shirt balled up in her hands so I couldn't see the design, saying she was going to buy it.

Once she had bought it, she said to me "mum, you're not going to like this" and showed me the design on the T-Shirt. Basically it is a cartoon of someone getting their arm shredded in a blender with their eyes popping out. It is quite stylised and cartoony, but it is, in my opinion, gory (lots of cartoon blood).

I was unimpressed and said to her that I wasn't happy with her having it. She then said to me "oh well, too late to return it now" and swanned out of the shop.

I was pretty angry at her attitude and called her back. I went up to the counter with her and said she was to return it. The young woman behind the counter looked at the T-Shirt and said "really? I like it". I repeated that it was to be returned. She turned to my daughter and said "do you want to return it?". I said to her again that it was to be returned. My daughter was saying "it's my money!", but then relented and said she would return it.

The manager had to be called. The T-shirt was returned. My daughter went back into the shop to find something else to buy. I was feeling really angry, with my daughter for trying to get one over on me, but more with the attitude of the shop assistant undermining me, so I waited outside the shop.

My daughter came out with a couple of non-gory T-shirts and we left.

It has since transpired that the shop assistant, feeling sorry for my daughter, gave her the gory t-shirt free of charge.

My daughter confessed this to me, then said she had worn it out, and her dad really likes it, his girlfriend really likes it, her friend and her friend's mother really likes it. It's only me that doesn't like it. (Her dad btw utterly despises me and will take any opportunity to undermine me with her).

I personally feel it's really antisocial to wear a t-shirt like that out at the park (as DD has been doing) where there are small kids. It's a nasty image and it makes me feel squeamish every time I see it.

I've told DD that I don't want her wearing it around me. She said OK . This weekend she came back from her dad's wearing it. I told her to change and she said "it's fine, I'm only going to be wearing it upstairs where you can't see".

I'm not generally draconian about my daughter's style choices - I just find the image on this T-shirt inappropriate. However, it seems the shop assistant and other adults she's talked to about it since think I'm over the top.

I'm willing to accept that maybe I am being - but feel DD's testing boundaries on quite a few things atm. I'm generally a bit of a pushover and was trying to be less so this time.

Would be really interested to know what others think

Thanks

OP posts:
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/09/2020 12:13

Buy one for yourself. It'll soon be gone

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2020 12:14

Yabu
She's old enough to choose her own clothes

Gazelda · 01/09/2020 12:14

I wouldn't let the t shirt become the start of WW3. You've make your feeling of it well known. Tell her you refuse to wash it and it will have to worn and laundered at her fathers if she wants to wear it. Then drop it.
The more you make it a battle, the more she will want to wear it. And she'll be trying to find something even worse to wind you up.

seayork2020 · 01/09/2020 12:15

Maybe she wouldn't be testing boundaries as much if you did not get this stressed over a tshirt?

And I discuss issues with my son I would not deliberately ruin a tshirt or lose one of his as I dont play games. I would not like if he did this to me with one of my things

lyralalala · 01/09/2020 12:15

She's 14, not 4.

You need to pick your battles with teens. If you are a bit of a pushover and are trying to be firmer you need to decide if this is actually the hill to die on. It's a t-shirt, does it really matter?

WeAllHaveWings · 01/09/2020 12:15

YABU if it is not obscene or offensive. Parents are not supposed to like their teenage kids clothes.

Luckingfovely · 01/09/2020 12:15

Oh god it's only a tshirt with a gory cartoon. This definitely falls into the let-it-go bucket!

Newfornow · 01/09/2020 12:15

I think She went back and paid for it or stole it.
Sorry but I don’t believe the cashier gave it to her.
Her attitude is the problem.
I’d boil wash the t shirt if it was as awful as you say.

Therollockingrogue · 01/09/2020 12:17

Omg please don’t assume she STOLE it.
That’s horrible 🙁

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2020 12:18

I'm surprised she came back from her dad's at all to be honest.

Loosen the reins before you strangle her.

MouthBreathingRage · 01/09/2020 12:19

You tried to ban a 14 year old from wearing a silly cartoon shirt, humiliated her in a shop and basically treat her like a toddler? Good luck in the next few years when the actual big dramas come along op, because all you've done is show your teen that you go absolutely hard-arse on the little things that don't matter, the big things will become WW3 if your carry on like this.

corythatwas · 01/09/2020 12:19

I would very much not like this t-shirt, but I also think you were very wrong to get the shop assistant and manager drawn into what is essentially a family argument. They are not there to support your discipline or to decide who has what level of control in your particular family set-up. You put a couple of strangers into an untenable situation here.

Annabanana1234 · 01/09/2020 12:20

The cashier probably paid for it out of her own pocket because you were bu. Let her wear it and be glad she’s into T-shirt’s rather than fighting over tiny crop tops.

Budbudbud · 01/09/2020 12:20

What's your issue? It's a Tshirt, you need to clench. Also if as you say your daughter is pushing boundaries imo you would be much better letting her have the small victories. I'm sure the cartoon tshirt isnt going to turn your daughter into a crazed arm blending maniac.

When I was 14 I had some gory Tshirts, I am now a well rounded respectable adult who doesnt own any gory clothes. I'm also sure that you likely had some clothes as a teenager that your mum questioned and wouldnt wear herself.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 01/09/2020 12:20

I would be furious with the shop assistant.

I'm on the fence about the T shirt. Personally I wouldn't care but I absolutely empathize with not wanting something offensive in my face in my own home.
I'd explain it to her, that she is free to disagree with you but it's a sign of maturity and respect towards her mother, to not flaunt something she knows you hate. I'd say my piece about why you don't like it, then ask her to at least leave it at her dad's place.

mrsBtheparker · 01/09/2020 12:21

By making a massive thing of this you've made the problem far worse, she would probably have worn it a couple of times then it would have been stuffed in the bottom of the wardrobe forever.

Spied · 01/09/2020 12:21

It's all got a bit out of hand really hasn't it?
It's gone way beyond the t-shirt and you're now stuck in a power battle.
Personally I'd hide/bin the t-shirt whilst she was out but and deny all knowledge.
Doesn't solve future problems though.

JenniferSantoro · 01/09/2020 12:21

You’ve picked a battle over absolutely nothing here. You’ve got to allow her some self expression. You’ve massively overreacted.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/09/2020 12:21

She's 14, she is entitled to pick her own clothes without them getting 'damaged' in the wash.

The more fuss you make, the bigger deal it will be to her.

corythatwas · 01/09/2020 12:22

Now that I think about it, ds bought a similarly gory t-shirt when he was that age. I told him I didn't like it and then left it to him. If it had been thoroughly offensive- racist, misogynist etc- I would have told him I wouldn't have that in my home.

SpaceOP · 01/09/2020 12:22

I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. She's 14 so really, you don't have THAT much say. The t-shirt is clearly not offensive or rude - YOU don't like it, but that's a personal choice rather than saying others would find it offensive. Not a single other adult appears to agree with you that this t-shirt is problematic too. The forcing her to exchange it blah blah - honestly, you need to loosen up a little here.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/09/2020 12:22

I wouldn't be getting my knickers in a twist over this either.
I thought you were going to say there was bad language or something similar in the tee.
It's cartoony, she's 14 and it's really not offensive.
As for 'losing' it in the wash, that's a terrible idea, you are opening yourself up to a whole heap of trouble.
This is really not worth arguing over.

Miriel · 01/09/2020 12:22

I don't see the problem. I wouldn't wear it myself, but it's over-the-top cartoon violence, and most of us had some questionable style choices as teenagers. At 14 I went clothes shopping alone or with friends, not with a parent, so they had no idea what I was buying. As long as your daughter knows when it isn't appropriate to wear (church, visiting Great-Aunt Ethel) it's not doing any harm.

Iknowthingsthatwillhappen · 01/09/2020 12:23

I wouldn't have argued, i would have had "an accident" with it whilst washing/ironing...........

FixTheBone · 01/09/2020 12:23

YABU.

Almost by definition, if literally every other person in your OP hasn't taken sufficient offence, you are unreasonable by virtue of holding a significantly outlying opinion.....