to not want DD(14) to have this T-Shirt

[SqueamishMum]

Need a sanity check here (have name-changed so this isn't linked to other threads as I may be identifiable here)

A couple of weeks ago, DD(14) and I went to a thrift shop. I had given her some money to spend. She came up to me holding a T-Shirt balled up in her hands so I couldn't see the design, saying she was going to buy it.

Once she had bought it, she said to me "mum, you're not going to like this" and showed me the design on the T-Shirt. Basically it is a cartoon of someone getting their arm shredded in a blender with their eyes popping out. It is quite stylised and cartoony, but it is, in my opinion, gory (lots of cartoon blood).

I was unimpressed and said to her that I wasn't happy with her having it. She then said to me "oh well, too late to return it now" and swanned out of the shop.

I was pretty angry at her attitude and called her back. I went up to the counter with her and said she was to return it. The young woman behind the counter looked at the T-Shirt and said "really? I like it". I repeated that it was to be returned. She turned to my daughter and said "do you want to return it?". I said to her again that it was to be returned. My daughter was saying "it's my money!", but then relented and said she would return it.

The manager had to be called. The T-shirt was returned. My daughter went back into the shop to find something else to buy. I was feeling really angry, with my daughter for trying to get one over on me, but more with the attitude of the shop assistant undermining me, so I waited outside the shop.

My daughter came out with a couple of non-gory T-shirts and we left.

It has since transpired that the shop assistant, feeling sorry for my daughter, gave her the gory t-shirt free of charge.

My daughter confessed this to me, then said she had worn it out, and her dad really likes it, his girlfriend really likes it, her friend and her friend's mother really likes it. It's only me that doesn't like it. (Her dad btw utterly despises me and will take any opportunity to undermine me with her).

I personally feel it's really antisocial to wear a t-shirt like that out at the park (as DD has been doing) where there are small kids. It's a nasty image and it makes me feel squeamish every time I see it.

I've told DD that I don't want her wearing it around me. She said OK . This weekend she came back from her dad's wearing it. I told her to change and she said "it's fine, I'm only going to be wearing it upstairs where you can't see".

I'm not generally draconian about my daughter's style choices - I just find the image on this T-shirt inappropriate. However, it seems the shop assistant and other adults she's talked to about it since think I'm over the top.

I'm willing to accept that maybe I am being - but feel DD's testing boundaries on quite a few things atm. I'm generally a bit of a pushover and was trying to be less so this time.

Would be really interested to know what others think

Thanks

Great post @TwinklyMusic

@LynnShelley

Ask to borrow it.....

These posts have amused me greatly. DD spent half her teens borrowing my clothes and I still see her now in T Shirts I forgot I owned until she turns up to visit wearing them. In turn I’d occasionally steal hers. Many a wash day would end with the a shout of ‘is this yours or mine?’

Why are people assuming that the OP has a dress sense a teenager wouldn’t want to emulate and vice versa?

This is only a t-shirt. Be careful about this kind of stuff. When the big problems arise, she may not speak to you about the important stuff. Do not lose or damage the t-shirt as that also just drops the trust too. Being a teenager in today's times is really hard. Rather make sure she can talk to you about anything.

14 is a bit young but at 16 I had a t shirt that said “shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat”

I’ll never forget walking in and my lovely old mum reading it out loud

But I was sensible and only wore it to bed.

It was a Blink 182 t shirt. And I donated it to a Christian clothes bank during a clear out

Teens are ridiculous

Your DD sounds like the type of person who’d appreciate Jhonen Vasquez - famous cartoonist. Very talented. Sometimes dark humoured. Is she interested in illustration?

It’s up to you re your daughter and the T Shirt but I would definitely put in a formal complaint about the shop assistant!

It's down to you what you feel is in appropriate or not, but totally unacceptable is the shop assistant undermining you. At 14 you're still responsible for the development of your daughter's value set. I'd call the shop and tell them she donated some of their stock.

And yes, it’s not so much about the T Shirt but about your DD’s behaviour and how she went against what you’d told her. Teenagers push against parents’ boundaries as a learning curve to find out what is acceptable outside family as generally speaking, family aren’t going to ostracise, sack, sue etc

"This thread illustrates why I’ve been increasingly less interested in engaging with Mumsnet over the years. Gone is the cameraderie, support and humour that, many years ago now, used be offered as advice, to be replaced instead with a petty, self-righteous and judgemental pile-on."

@TwinklyMusic Mumsnet has ALWAYS specialised in petty judgemental pile-on.. Nothing has changed! But amongst that you do get some empathy and good advice. Been here bloody forever and it's all the same.

Off topic but the only thing that's changed significantly over the years is that people now refer to their children as DD13 and DS7 etc with reference to their ages rather the number of kids they have, as we used to. I came back after an absence and thought "fuck me, we've got some big arse families cropping up theses days!!" before I caught on

Yes, @ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHaands, you are right, there were always pile ons. But my perception is the tone has changed and the reasoning for disagreeing with someone is somehow more petty and snippy? But I fully acknowledge that it could well be simply that I’m turning into a grumpy old woman who thinks everything was better ‘in my day’!!

Totally agree with the children thing. I read some posts a while back after an absence of probably a couple of years and thought exactly the same thing about family size!

@TwinklyMusic, thank you so much for your lovely, supportive post. It means a lot.

You are right that my response was more to do with DD's behaviour in that moment (don't get me wrong, I still hate the T-Shirt!). To be fair though, the T-shirt was what I mentioned in the title of the thread, so I can see why posters have mostly addressed that.

I agree that some of the responses have been quite personal and attacking in ways that I think were perhaps a little unnecessary. Not things saying I was wrong and calling me out (some of those responses were kind and humorous, even though they said I was wrong!) - but remarks about what a sad and miserable life I must lead and how DD would want nothing to do with me when she grows older. I suppose it is easy to think we can build an idea of an entire, multi-faceted person after looking at just a tiny, unflattering snapshot of their life.

At the same time, I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea of DD from this tiny snapshot. She's actually a kind, empathic girl who just sometimes pushes boundaries like any other 14 year old. She doesn't delight in her father saying nasty things about me. The reason that I know the things he says is because she is genuinely upset by it and tells me about it. I think as a way of trying to get reassurance. She knows it's not OK. At the same time, she can't be around someone expressing that level of contempt without picking up on it a bit. It's a difficult tightrope walk to tread as a mum.

(I probably paint a very black and white snapshot of her father too - I know he has reasons for feeling as he does about me).

She was embarrassed in the shop and I think I could have addressed the way I was spoken to in a far more sensitive way and been far less knee-jerk about the horrible T-shirt. She knows I still don't like it, but I've said I respect her right to wear it if she wishes and apologised for being so heavy-handed about it.

I do find the whole parenting a teenager thing hard - the where to keep boundaries and where to let go of the reins - where to protect and where to step back. It's hard to know where to ask - hence going on here - shame there isn't a space to have honest, but still supportive conversations (that I know about anyway!)

@Sunrise85 - yes, she is interested in illustration, and now we've been talking about this in a more relaxed way she has been showing me a graphic novel she really likes that the T-shirt reminded her of. Thanks for the recommendation of an artist. I had a quick Google and I think she would like his work

I would really like to see a pic of this!

Tbh yes, as you probably realise, you overreacted. But you've chatted and apologised do don't be too hard on yourself! Sounds like she has her own sense of style and even if it is a image not to your taste, it is indicative of the fact that she is strong enough to go her own way. That is brilliant!

@OrlandointheWilderness - don't want to put up a pic in case anyone sees her wearing it and connects her to this thread. I'm realising that in a way, the T-shirt itself is perhaps besides the point.

Yes, she's always been a true individual with her own sense of style and I've always been very proud of her for that (amongst other things I'm proud of her for!)

Amazing! happy to help

Pop “Invader Zim” on YouTube. It’s a Jhonen Vasquez cartoon and I think she’ll love it.

In a couple of years she might think Tank Girl is cool. There’s a whole world of style and inspiration out there.

I’m now 35 and I am definitely boring to look at no whacky hair, tattoos and I rarely swear. Unless shouting piffle counts? And I wouldn’t have my creative career without my solid interests in illustration in my teenage years.

Thank you @Sunrise85. I'll check it out

I felt really sorry for your daughter and the way you humiliated her in the shop. From the fuss you were making I thought the tee shirt was going to say 'free blow jobs' or something.

Reading your later posts it seems you've realised your over reaction and tried to put it right. Many, many parents wouldn't. :)

I do not think you were unreasonable at all, and I am quite shocked how the shop assistant went behind your back and got involved. This is not about age, it's about guiding your kids as to what you feel is right and the values you instil in your children will hopefully last forever, even if you hate you at the time. I say you were right to give her your opinion, and make her think a bit..

Frankly I think you are overreacting. It is a T-shirt

@IwishIwasyoda

Frankly I think you are overreacting. It is a T-shirt

You might want to read all of the OP's posts.

Does she do her own washing ? What about to washing it? or telling her you're not dealing with it then turn up to 90°, hopefully it will shrink or fade

"what about NOT washing it". sorry

@twinklyMusic Hear hear....I hope my comments didnt upset OP. I never meant them to. X

@honeybee88 - you didn't upset me at all. Please don't worry!

I wasn't upset by people saying they disagreed with my actions either - as I was genuinely asking for people's thoughts on the situation and it has helped me enormously to hear differing views.

The only comments that upset me were where people were making deeply personal remarks on how they perceived my character and relationship with DD to be based on one incident where I'd messed up x

Yabu... I guarantee she'll be rebelling even more so now. Lighten up

I'd probably allow the t-shirt, but I think this issue goes beyond the t-shirt itself. I'd be majorly pissed off at a cashier undermining me in such a way.