to not want DD(14) to have this T-Shirt

[SqueamishMum]

Need a sanity check here (have name-changed so this isn't linked to other threads as I may be identifiable here)

A couple of weeks ago, DD(14) and I went to a thrift shop. I had given her some money to spend. She came up to me holding a T-Shirt balled up in her hands so I couldn't see the design, saying she was going to buy it.

Once she had bought it, she said to me "mum, you're not going to like this" and showed me the design on the T-Shirt. Basically it is a cartoon of someone getting their arm shredded in a blender with their eyes popping out. It is quite stylised and cartoony, but it is, in my opinion, gory (lots of cartoon blood).

I was unimpressed and said to her that I wasn't happy with her having it. She then said to me "oh well, too late to return it now" and swanned out of the shop.

I was pretty angry at her attitude and called her back. I went up to the counter with her and said she was to return it. The young woman behind the counter looked at the T-Shirt and said "really? I like it". I repeated that it was to be returned. She turned to my daughter and said "do you want to return it?". I said to her again that it was to be returned. My daughter was saying "it's my money!", but then relented and said she would return it.

The manager had to be called. The T-shirt was returned. My daughter went back into the shop to find something else to buy. I was feeling really angry, with my daughter for trying to get one over on me, but more with the attitude of the shop assistant undermining me, so I waited outside the shop.

My daughter came out with a couple of non-gory T-shirts and we left.

It has since transpired that the shop assistant, feeling sorry for my daughter, gave her the gory t-shirt free of charge.

My daughter confessed this to me, then said she had worn it out, and her dad really likes it, his girlfriend really likes it, her friend and her friend's mother really likes it. It's only me that doesn't like it. (Her dad btw utterly despises me and will take any opportunity to undermine me with her).

I personally feel it's really antisocial to wear a t-shirt like that out at the park (as DD has been doing) where there are small kids. It's a nasty image and it makes me feel squeamish every time I see it.

I've told DD that I don't want her wearing it around me. She said OK . This weekend she came back from her dad's wearing it. I told her to change and she said "it's fine, I'm only going to be wearing it upstairs where you can't see".

I'm not generally draconian about my daughter's style choices - I just find the image on this T-shirt inappropriate. However, it seems the shop assistant and other adults she's talked to about it since think I'm over the top.

I'm willing to accept that maybe I am being - but feel DD's testing boundaries on quite a few things atm. I'm generally a bit of a pushover and was trying to be less so this time.

Would be really interested to know what others think

Thanks

A couple of folks have hit the nail on the head where they've picked up on the fact that it was more to do with my daughter's attitude - the deliberately hiding the image as she knew I'd dislike it and then "oh well, too late now" and swanning out of the shop

Yes but that still falls under “pushing boundaries” and jeez, given the absolute production you made in the store it’s hardly surprising she tries to work around you rather than deal with you!

Your dd is 14, she won’t always like what her mum likes and frankly it’s time to accept that your approval isn’t required for all of her choices. The type of parent who asserts their authority as forcefully as you did in that store, over a flippin t-shirt, isn’t the sort of parent a teen will feel able to come to about the bigger and more serious aspects of growing up. Learn when to give a little.

You do realise you've now turned it into her fav t-shirt eva! Lol.

I was (am) a punk and my mother very quickly worked out her disapproval was sure to make me dig my heels and wear something constantly. Found out years later that if she really didn't approve of something she'd say it looked 'nice and pretty' and I'd immediately hate it and change. She's a very clever woman my mother!

Your best bet was to say it was childish, not shocking. Fight teenage battles smarter, not harder.

Folk that are saying that other adults in real life disagreeing with me makes me automatically wrong - her Dad and girlfriend are amongst the 3 adults, and her dad was showing her 15 rated films when she was 8 years old and saying "don't tell your mother", so this is why I came on here to get more objective opinions - and I am prepared to accept that I messed up on this occasion.

Generally DD is very open with me about stuff and we talk about difficult issues regularly. To be honest, she didn't have to tell me that she had the T-Shirt - she could have just worn it secretly and I'd have been none the wiser, but she made the decision to tell me.

Parenting teenagers is hard. We're not all going to get it right all of the time, and I accept on this occasion I didn't get it right

I am minded when I see all this talk of AUTHORITY and so forth of the speech that Leia Organa gave to Vader.." the more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers"

She's not a pet, she's not a toddler, If you think this is bad - if you chuck it out or make another scene, wait till she starts bringing blokes home. A T-shirt? be grateful it isnt the stuff you see on prettylittlething.

Makes me glad I have boys.

The shop assistant was wholly out of order in undermining your authority. She showed utter disrespect for you as a parent and I would complain to the shop.

The daughter was the customer not the op.

I think I'd not see it as offensive because of the OTT cartoonishness of it? It's not like some horrible misogynistic thing.
Losing it in the wash is a way to lose trust and stoke resentment. Please don't do it.
I might be tempted to say to her. I don't like it, but you are growing up and I am going accept that you don't pick what I would. Treat her like an adult(ish).

domesticslattern. No it isn't that one. That one's not as bad.

...and the award for making a mountain out of a molehill goes to...

Generally DD is very open with me about stuff and we talk about difficult issues regularly. To be honest, she didn't have to tell me that she had the T-Shirt - she could have just worn it secretly and I'd have been none the wiser, but she made the decision to tell me.

Yeah she won't be doing that again in a hurry.

It sounds a horrible image for a t shirt and the assistant was wrong to do what she did. I also doubt your daughter got it for free as the assistant wouldn't be able to do that ( unless it was her own shop?) she probably just bought it again.
It sounds as if a lot of it was teenage angst as well , Mum doesn't like it so I really want it now! Her dad and others backing her up doesn't help matters either.
I can see why you don't like it but maybe she'll only wear it once and it'll go in the back of the wardrobe? Maybe one of her friends will say they don't like it and it'll be ditched?
I used to argue about coats with my two boys as they refused to wear them in the depths of winter! Slightly different , but dealing with teens is a nightmare at times with clothes and what is suitable to wear.

@ButteryPuffin

Does she do her own washing? I would certainly expect her to if she's old enough to buy and wear clothes you disapprove of.

Oh I like this!

Saving that one up should I ever need it!

Will it fit you? I bet you loving it and happening to borrow it one day will soon change her mind

But seriously I get what you mean by her attitude. The knowing you'll hate it and swanning off.

Perhaps though it's time for her to have her own clothing allowance? So she gets certain monthly amount and she gets to choose and buy her own clothes but what she gets is her limit. And maybe incorporate that with doing washing twice a week and handing it out to earn the spends?

Giving responsibility can really turn around teen behaviour because they can't fight against you. And in this case if she fights against you and doesn't do her washing loads (and id make her do the whole family clothes in those 2 loads not just hers) then she gets no clothing allowance and doesn't get to buy clothes to point score

Can you post a photo, because if it’s like the one linked I’m not seeing the issue.

BTW, I hadn't for one moment thought of losing it/destroying it in the wash - as tempting as I might find it, I wouldn't do it! Of course folk are right that I've made it her favourite T-Shirt. I agree that how I was in the shop was crap too. It was quite out of character for me, but I just heard this voice in my head saying "for goodness sake, just PARENT!" I seem to be second guessing myself quite a lot at the moment.

I haven't picked my son's clothing for about 10 years, he's nearly 16.

Honestly, life is to short to argue over a t-shirt.

I went to a school where you could wear anything provided it didn’t have swear words on it - all of my friends are now very smartly dressed. I often find that people who went to schools/ had families where they weren’t allowed to wear whatever as a teenager are the ones still dying their hair odd colours in their 30s and wearing provocative T-shirts to work.

My mother still snaps up my laundry when I visit (I’m 35 and from overseas) and “loses” stuff she doesn’t like. Drives me mad (I wash my own clothes but she “helps” when she wants something to disappear)

The actual item doesn’t matter.

When I was about that age I bought a beautiful black velvet dress out with my friends. I showed my mum it avd she went off on one about it being too short and indecent (it wasn’t) blames my two friebds then put me in the car and drove me 25 miles to return it where she had a complete go at the shop assistants.

It was only one of several similar incidents but I have an extremely poor relationship with my mother as a result. She humiliated me over nothing. I have a 21 and a 16 year old; it is not my role to protect them from bad taste in clothes. They can purchase what they want; the line for me is appropriate wear. So the t shirt you describe, it’s not appropriate to wear to school, church or visiting gran.

You’re doing a bloody good job of destroying your child’s self confidence and her relationship with you if you keep this up. I can only imagine how humiliated the shop assistant must have seen her feeling to give her it. Don’t make it any worse.

There will be real issues that come up and if you e blown all your parent veto on shite like this, god help you when they do.

I'd be PO'd with the shop assistant, certainly. As for the 14-YO, she's just doing what 14-YOs do. By all accounts this was my worst age.

Now wondering with renewed eyes what my dear mum, now long-since dead, made of my Sisters of Mercy 'Fuck me and marry me young' T shirt.

She drew the line at allowing my brother and me to play the Macc Lads in her house ...

Can you wear the tshirt - make it as uncool as possible? I'm thinking of the Obamas threat that if their daughters got a tattoo, they would get the exact same one to make it instantly uncool. 😁

@Everysinglebloodytime

Can you imagine being 14 and your mother behaves like that? Passive aggressive jibes aside, I would find that very, very hard to get over.

Do you really think her reaction over a cartoon tshirt was acceptable?

Whilst I don't think I would have been bothered about my 14 yr old wearing the T-shirt, from the description that Op gives and yes I would probably have been a bit annoyed as the daughter, to say that the relationship with the mother would be dramatically changed does seem overly dramatic and I am sure the DD will get over it. Frankly if that is the worst that ever happens to the DD she will have had a charmed childhood.

Look, you went from authoritative to authoritarian parenting and it backfired. You sound like an otherwise normal parent dealing with a teen, so I'm sure you'll learn from this and get better at picking your battles. We're all just making it up as we go along.

And let's face it, if you can't make your own fashion and style disasters as a teenager, when can you?

If it was quite out of character for you, why did she pre-emt the situation and hid it from you?

That makes no sense unless she's psychic?

That’s a really uptight attitude, nobody is looking or disapproving at your DDs t-shirt in the park!
Do ppl police their teenagers clothing? this is the time to find their style and experiment. My DD15 is always coming up with a new look, not all to my liking but she’s her own person.
There seems to be a lot of very uptight controlling parents on MN, determined to keep them young and withhold independence.

Sorry you sound like an absolute Horror show and like others have said, you actions could have humiliated your daughter , although it seems to have illicited sympathy from others instead.
You gave you DD money to buy a T shirt, and than demanded her to take it back because you didnt like it? Why tell her to buy the t shirt in the first place.
The transaction was with between your daughter and the shop, as such the girl behind the counter was both being supportive to her as a customer, try to sell products from her store and may have genuinely liked the top. You dont get to trump this because you are maniacal and screaming.
You seem to try and say that your DDs dad only likes the top to have a go, but this is obviously rubbish as everyone apart from you seems to like it ( unless they all despise you).
She is becoming an adult, she needs to find her own style. In years to come these sort of actions will alienate her from you I am not to sure what you think you have taught her by acting this way. There is no way I would go clothes shopping with you again after this. But I am sure that will be other ppls faults as well.
And to all those saying to quietly destroy it, what a horrible manipulative and controlling ppl you must be.

Goodness gracious, if you can't handle this, you really won't be able to handle the lyrics to a lot of the music she'll probably be listening to or stuff in the movies she'll be watching in the next few years. You would be better off nurturing a relationship with her where she actually trusts you to give opinions on her choices but that they aren't strict edicts.