to not want DD(14) to have this T-Shirt

[SqueamishMum]

Need a sanity check here (have name-changed so this isn't linked to other threads as I may be identifiable here)

A couple of weeks ago, DD(14) and I went to a thrift shop. I had given her some money to spend. She came up to me holding a T-Shirt balled up in her hands so I couldn't see the design, saying she was going to buy it.

Once she had bought it, she said to me "mum, you're not going to like this" and showed me the design on the T-Shirt. Basically it is a cartoon of someone getting their arm shredded in a blender with their eyes popping out. It is quite stylised and cartoony, but it is, in my opinion, gory (lots of cartoon blood).

I was unimpressed and said to her that I wasn't happy with her having it. She then said to me "oh well, too late to return it now" and swanned out of the shop.

I was pretty angry at her attitude and called her back. I went up to the counter with her and said she was to return it. The young woman behind the counter looked at the T-Shirt and said "really? I like it". I repeated that it was to be returned. She turned to my daughter and said "do you want to return it?". I said to her again that it was to be returned. My daughter was saying "it's my money!", but then relented and said she would return it.

The manager had to be called. The T-shirt was returned. My daughter went back into the shop to find something else to buy. I was feeling really angry, with my daughter for trying to get one over on me, but more with the attitude of the shop assistant undermining me, so I waited outside the shop.

My daughter came out with a couple of non-gory T-shirts and we left.

It has since transpired that the shop assistant, feeling sorry for my daughter, gave her the gory t-shirt free of charge.

My daughter confessed this to me, then said she had worn it out, and her dad really likes it, his girlfriend really likes it, her friend and her friend's mother really likes it. It's only me that doesn't like it. (Her dad btw utterly despises me and will take any opportunity to undermine me with her).

I personally feel it's really antisocial to wear a t-shirt like that out at the park (as DD has been doing) where there are small kids. It's a nasty image and it makes me feel squeamish every time I see it.

I've told DD that I don't want her wearing it around me. She said OK . This weekend she came back from her dad's wearing it. I told her to change and she said "it's fine, I'm only going to be wearing it upstairs where you can't see".

I'm not generally draconian about my daughter's style choices - I just find the image on this T-shirt inappropriate. However, it seems the shop assistant and other adults she's talked to about it since think I'm over the top.

I'm willing to accept that maybe I am being - but feel DD's testing boundaries on quite a few things atm. I'm generally a bit of a pushover and was trying to be less so this time.

Would be really interested to know what others think

Thanks

A paisley pussycat bow blouse would be considered very chic these days, Norks.

Really? This is the issue to go to war over?
My son is a huge heavy metal fan, thank god you can't see his t-shirts....

There's a major high street chain selling a t shirt bearing the legend: 'Who the F* is Liam Gallagher' currently. Sorry if it's been mentioned earlier!

There's a major high street chain selling a t shirt bearing the legend: 'Who the F is Liam Gallagher' currently*
I'm tempted to get that to wind my DS up!!

• One word: bleach If it were my daughter, the tee-shirt would never re-surface after washing. (ie she can wear it once, but then I will bin it) Or yes, ensure it gets lost in the wash i would be FURIOUS and it would be getting damaged in the washI wouldn't have argued, i would have had "an accident" with it whilst washing/ironing........... Your washing machine occasionally rips clothes, doesn’t it?

There are no words to describe how awful some people parent. No wonder so many go no contact.

It sounds awful, but it’s her choice to look vile. She’s just experimenting with style. Let her be. The more you push the more she will push more boundaries. Just ignore the t shirt.

@notacooldad my youngest was very keen on it even though a bit of a closet Oasis admirer! Treat yourself 😂

At 14, I feel like they should have the freedom to dress in the style they like

You were being extra and you know.

@Mashingthecompost

Laughing at ANUSFORM. OP, don't despair. One of the things I struggle with is needing to have a response immediately - the JUST PARENT FGS! response you had in the shop. I wonder whether maybe you don't expect your daughter to go for gory and it threw you? You don't sound like a terrible mum! My initial reaction to the post was 'oh no I'd hate that tee too' - but I have t shirts that I couldn't wear when working with kids, it's just that they're a bit small now so I haven't seen them in a while! I will say I remember watching Goodfellas at maybe age 16 and loving it. I don't remember any of it, I clearly wasn't being critical in my engagement. I also watched Heavenly Creatures (google it if you haven't seen it) at about her age and I was gripped. When I was 17, 18 I watched Clockwork Orange with a friend and I hated it. I still do. So many things I can't watch and refuse to go near now. Her brain will change loads these next few years. Give yourself chance to mull stuff over. The main question for me is always "is this urgent? Are they in danger?" and if not, I can take a moment or a few to decide how I'm feeling and how to respond. Hope the chat goes well. Oh, and my parent threw out a skateboarding t shirt of my brother's for a similar reason and he still hasn't forgotten or forgiven her. It would have been worth a bit now.

Thank you. That's good advice

Jesus, I thought it was going to be some tacky, inappropriate crackwhore-esque slogan!

Of all the dodgy things a teenage girl could want, I really don't think it's that bad. It sounds pretty gross and it'll probably be something she's embarrassed about in a few years.

There are no words to describe how awful some people parent. No wonder so many go no contact.

I completely agree. Imagine a child destroying a parent's item of clothing they hate? I'm sure there are lots they don't like! Downright horrible.

I'd take a gory t shirt over emulating the barely dressed Love Islanders or Cardi B any day too.

@ScrapThatThen

It's really interesting to reflect on why the gore/violence pushed your buttons. And that you feel her dad didn't protect her from older rated things when she was younger - maybe that is why this is the boundary she chose to push with you? And your instinct was to hold the boundary? This is a different perspective from the one I was guessing, which is that you would feel embarrassed and ashamed of OTHERS seeing her wear it (which would be seeing her as a reflection on you, not as her own person, and you reacting to your own shame rather than acting in her interests). I suspect you are in fact doing ok with this parenting teenagers lark, OP.

Thank you for this. It made me cry a bit. I think there's something in what you've said about why that particular button was pushed for me. In terms of worrying about what others would think, there was an element of that, not in terms of how it may reflect on me, but more a worry that someone might go up to her and have a go at her about it when I wasn't there - because I know DD would find that really difficult - but looking at responses on here I can see that I was being silly there.

@nogoodsolution

OP, I was going to say YABU until I read the whole thread. In fact, I think you have done exactly what pretty much ever parent of a teenager has done at some point - namely lock horns over something that really isn't worth it. The thing is, you don't know at the time that it will end up with a great battle of wills. It just somehow seems to creep up on you.

I still fall into that trap despite all said experience.

I also think you have responded very graciously to all the responses on here!

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it.

I must admit, though I wanted honest opinions and I've taken that on board and hope I've learned from this, it is hard to read that people that know nothing about me other than one parenting moment where I've admittedly fucked up - feel qualified to tell me that I'm controlling, narcissistic, stiffling, that my daughter will want nothing to do with me when she grows up, that she's better off with her father. It's a lot. You know? I know I brought it on myself by posting in AIBU - but it was more that I knew I'd messed up and wanted some perspective from other parents. I want to do better and I want to learn.

I think it's possible to do something wrong/stupid that you learn from and not be an all-round failure as a parent. I hope so anyway.

I still remember my eldest DD's phases. Fishnets, huge clunky boots, Victorian gothic corsets - combined with the hair chalk, I mean she had a different hair colour every week, eyeliner that literally made her look like a panda etc I let her crack on - "That's nice, dear."

If I had of fought her on every bit of clothing or make up I didn't like ...well, I'd have probably had a mini stroke! The battles weren't worth their outcome to me. She soon learnt what she did and didn't like, I especially learnt that if she wore something to gain a reaction giving her less of one really did make her forget said article of edgy clothing. We look back on the memories and laugh together.

it is hard to read that people that know nothing about me other than one parenting moment where I've admittedly fucked up - feel qualified to tell me that I'm controlling, narcissistic, stiffling, that my daughter will want nothing to do with me when she grows up, that she's better off with her father
Every parent gets something wrong or looks back and thinks that perhaps they were too hard on something or perhaps too soft on something else. Well, every parent that honestly reflects on actions they have taken anyway. I thought that you were OTT but you recognised that DD was pushing boundaries. As I said before boundary pushing is normal, this is when they are becoming their own person. Sometimes they are a pain in the arse when they are going through this phase! When I have been OTT about something fairly insignificant I learned to leave it a day or so and then bring it up in conversation gently.

I honestly think that it's not really about what you or she did at the time that makes a difference but how you approach it after that will have the lasting impact. All the bloody stupid replies about having an accident with the t shirt with the wash machine or iron or mopping it in bleach are a sure fire way to harbouring resentment for ever.

Talking things over and saying that you didn't like the top and how the shopping experience went the way it did is much more honest and positive.

God, I remember wearing Nirvana tshirts with Satan Worshipping Mother Fucker and Corporate Rock Whore on the back age 14. My parents didn’t comment.

The correct response would have been..

'Pfft, why would I care about a silly tshirt?' and move on.

Btw all those people suggesting it gets 'damaged' in the wash, if I were your teenager you'd wake up to find every item of clothing you own with strategic holes or bleach stains on them!

I'd do that at 14, I'd still do it at 40, that sort of shit is cunty in the extreme and absolutely guaranteed to get someones back up no matter what their age!

At 14, I wore a RATM tee and hoody that had the words 'fuck you I won't do what you tell me' on the back.

My mother was horrified.

I was approached multiple times by old ladies in the street who would tell me 'I wish I could wear that' (and I only once got asked to take it off because someones child might see it, and when I asked her nicely if her child could read yet, she had to confess he could not! I did take it off.. I remain unaware as to her thoughts on the tee under it that had the words 'Flower sniffin' kitty petting, baby kissing, corporate rock whores' on the back!)

id be more annoyed with the shop assistant its not up to them to undermine you like that

It's not up to a shop assistant to assist with your (strange) parenting, and the customer she had served was the daughter. I wouldn't be accepting the return either had I been working in that shop.

OP, it's a tshirt. With the best will in the world - get over it.

I mean it's gross and would make me feel weird seeing it (I have a weird psychological thing where I faint when things make me think about gory things - but that's a me problem).

Tbh though, so long as it's a cartoon I'd have let her have it and just told her not to wear it around me.

The lying and scheming would've been what annoyed me.

Ah OP you actually sound lovely with every update! You were absolutely totally in the wrong to push this so hard but you've accepted it and I'm sure you will be an even better parent for it.

My mum was (and still is) horrible, the worst thing for me was that she never ever admitted being in the wrong. I'm a veteran teen-wrangler (my youngest of 3 just turned 16) and bloody hell I've made mistakes but I have ALWAYS admitted it and apologised. I have a lovely relationship with my young adults now and we can talk anything through.

I think you're going to be just fine, you're very brave to post in here and well done for taking it on the chin with such grace

As for the posters advising destroying the t shirt, shame on you

Thank you CaptainAthena. I really appreciate that

I'd hate that too. But the quickest way to get my DD to dislike something is for me to say how good it is

Oh, and just wait until it goes in the wash and chuck it in the bin