Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being petty or was DP's mum being unkind?

144 replies

bluedonuts · 01/09/2020 01:06

Clased with DP's mum in the past but was all sorted out. We went over last night to see her and as she lives an hour away, we stayed the night. I was very tired as had had two hours sleep as was up with DS (5 months). She asked me what was wrong and I just said I'm just a bit tired as DS was up. She then gave me a lecture on how she lived on no sleep with her children and how I should get used to it, and went off about how she even worked nights etc etc.

She's constantly undermining me, DS has a bit of eczema and she bought cream from him from the pharmacy (without asking us if we already had any) and then covers him in it whenever we're there. We had already bought our own cream that we were using. She told me that she had spoken to the pharmacist about it and we needed to use that one. (The one we had already is great). She will literally put it on him whenever I'm not in the room without asking.

It's just things like that all the time.

Last night while we were there I was entertaining DS with some nursery rhymes, and then put him on the floor, holding him under the arms standing up for about a second. She literally snatched him off me and said 'I don't need him walking yet'. I was so taken aback, I'm not overexaggerating when i say she snatched him, it was as if she thought he was in danger!

Then this morning when I woke up and came downstairs, I said good morning (admittedly I was still sleepy - up with DS) and she said in front of everyone: 'God, you're like a grumpy teenager in the mornings aren't you!' and then went on to make these really loud, weird grunting noises imitating me, over and over again until the point I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt really embarrassed.

I am feeling quite emotional at the moment as suffering with PND quite badly so I might be a bit sensitive. But is this quite unkind behaviour or am I just being petty?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 01:09

There would not have been enough tea in the world to make me out up with that first thing in the morning. Lack of sleep is horrible and no, you don't just 'get used to' it.

I wouldn't be going back for a very long time.

LunaMuffinTop · 01/09/2020 01:09

Your DP needs to have a word with his mum about her bullying behaviour I wouldn’t want my child round someone who acted like that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 01:10

What's your DP doing while she's being horrible to you?

Graphista · 01/09/2020 01:10

You're not being petty she sounds a bloody nightmare!

What is your dp doing about this? He should be backing you up.

Having a baby with a medical condition that impedes sleep is really hard and she shouldn't be putting creams on without checking with you anyway.

She's massively overstepping boundaries.

Have you raised this with dp? Is he aware that her behaviour is unacceptable?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 01:11

Where is your husband in all this? Does he just sit there and listen to his cow of a mother berate you?

Shamoo · 01/09/2020 01:12

She sounds awful OP! Poor you. Hope you are home now and feeling a bit better. She definitely needs some boundaries putting in place!

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 01/09/2020 01:12

Sod that, I'd turn on my heel and go home. She sounds like a complete knobhead.

Next time she starts respond with oh I cannot be arsed with this ' and go home. Leave her sitting there doing her goldfish impression.

bluedonuts · 01/09/2020 01:12

He usually stands up to her but this morning he just stood there and rolled his eyes which really annoyed me and I brought it up in the car on the way home. He wasn't there when she grabbed my DS and admittedly I didn't even mention it to him until today because I didn't want to feel any more upset than I already was so didn't talk about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 01:14

Tell him to remember who his wife is, and at the same time inform him his mother can fuck off and you will no longer be visiting her.

missyB1 · 01/09/2020 01:20

Just don’t go back. If she wants to see her grandchild she can come to you BUT it will be your house and your rules and she had better behave herself! Honestly stop letting the old cow get away with it.

Graphista · 01/09/2020 01:20

What way does he stand up to her? Because it's not been too effective so far has it?

Bella2020 · 01/09/2020 01:23

Your husband must stand up for you every single time. I would be furious at him just rolling his eyes, too. She wasn't talking about her stamp collection for the millionth time; she was undermining and belittling you.

Would the threat suggestion of no more visits with your baby make her change her ways?

Mintjulia · 01/09/2020 01:25

Why do you visit this woman? In your situation, I'd make my excuses, go home and not go back. Life is too short to put up with such rudeness.

If your dp wants to visit his mum, let him get on with it on his own.

Scabetty · 01/09/2020 01:31

No more visits. Make it clear to him she was nasty and you won’t tolerate that from her again. My mil was more sly in her digs and made it clear she just wanted her son and the babies but I refused to visit after a while and that was that.

TorgosPizza · 01/09/2020 01:32

That's awful! She needs to treat you with respect. Otherwise, I'd stop going to see them. Your husband should stand up for you more strongly.

I'd have her know that if she's not careful she may not be allowed to see her grandchild very often. It's up to you and her son, and she's not acting like she understands that fact.

Megan2018 · 01/09/2020 01:32

I wouldn’t go back, that’s appalling behaviour. But I’d have ripped in to her there and then.

I have a challenging MIL, we get on fine now in small doses but it took me to completely lose my shit with her for us to get to that point.

Anon42 · 01/09/2020 01:37

Oh bless you! Please get your DP to sort this out with his mum. If she is being unreasonable & undermining, she needs to be informed/told which only he can do best as she is his mum! 😜
Oh I wish I could use the above advice for myself but I belong to an asian family where MIL are always right and DIL knows nothing and DH is just playing deaf & dumb to avoid any confrontation! 🤦🏻‍♀️

FortunesFave · 01/09/2020 01:46

Wtf? OP you have to WOMAN UP right now. I know it's hard...when you've got a little baby you're tired and vulnerable but you can't live like this!

I remember my MIL doing similar but not so bad...I had to tell her quite firmly.

If she EVER 'snatches' your baby again, snatch him RIGHT BACK and say "MY baby, MY rules."

If she ever puts cream on him again, pick him up and LEAVE HER HOUSE immediately.

She knows exactly what she's doing. Stop letting her get away with it.

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2020 01:53

No more visits Shock. Why would you intentionally go there to be treated like that and while you have a baby? She sounds horrible (& your dp doesnt sound much better!)

LightDrizzle · 01/09/2020 01:54

She’s a fucking horror.
DP can see her on his own.
Imitating someone is really horrible, bullying, needling behaviour. Of course you were upset Flowers

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2020 01:57

I think you are being too polite. She behaves like this because there are no boundaries in place. I think staying away is not the answer and you should stand up to her and stop her being so rude.

Or she will be like this forever

anxietyaunt · 01/09/2020 02:00

Definitely not being petty, OP Flowers

I have a non-sleeper (he’s three and still doesn’t sleep!) so know how hard it is. I also know what it’s like to have a MIL who undermines at every turn. My husband is also crap at standing up for me.

So I just don’t bother with her anymore. It’s easier for me as she lives on the other side of the planet. She’s one of the main reasons I moved in fact. But even if she didn’t, I no longer feel the need to be the respectful, tolerant peacekeeper. The “good girl”. I realised it was always at my expense, and once I had my child it was at his too.

I’ll never understand why people behave like this. There are no winners, just losers. She’ll never change so try to get your husband on board. And limit the time you spend with her. Don’t buy into any attempts to guilt trip you. Life is way too short.

Yeahnahmum · 01/09/2020 02:38

Tell her to fuck off now op.you are digging your own grave her
Dont let her put anything on your kids skin that you dont want. And dont ever let her snatch your kid from you!! And stop letting her undermine you. Right now!!!

No more mrs nice. Gloves off. Start standing up for youself.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 01/09/2020 04:13

No wonder you have pnd with helpful people around like that.
I'd not go back to her house, if you must meet, do so on neutral ground so you can leave when any nonsense occurs.

Call her out every time she's rude. Do not accept it.
You don't need to be rude back, in fact you can be very polite.
"Don't put cream on my child please as we are using this one for now to see how it goes, I appreciate your thought though, we may try it after"
"I'd appreciate you not mocking me in front of guests when I'm exhausted thanks".
My mil would make comments about everything I did, I used to tolerate it and she obviously believed it was ok and it esculated. When I decided to no longer accept it she was very angry, accused me of yelling at her and abusing them etc. None of it was true, she was just not getting her usual polite silence from me. Prepare for some amateur dramatics when you become assertive and establish boundaries. Don't indulge them. Ignore.
Continue as you were.

And also tell you DH it's big boy time now, you and baby are most important, not mummy.

Ooppydot3 · 01/09/2020 04:36

What a nasty, nasty woman. She should have compassion for you and respect how you deal with your baby! Massively overstepping boundaries. How dare she snatch your baby from you. Absolutely abhorrent behaviour. If you only live an hour away, why on earth do you stay over? Let her visit you so that you feel more in control in your own home. Your DH definitely needs to speak to her about her disgusting attitude towards you.