Am I being petty or was DP's mum being unkind?

[bluedonuts]

Clased with DP's mum in the past but was all sorted out. We went over last night to see her and as she lives an hour away, we stayed the night. I was very tired as had had two hours sleep as was up with DS (5 months). She asked me what was wrong and I just said I'm just a bit tired as DS was up. She then gave me a lecture on how she lived on no sleep with her children and how I should get used to it, and went off about how she even worked nights etc etc.

She's constantly undermining me, DS has a bit of eczema and she bought cream from him from the pharmacy (without asking us if we already had any) and then covers him in it whenever we're there. We had already bought our own cream that we were using. She told me that she had spoken to the pharmacist about it and we needed to use that one. (The one we had already is great). She will literally put it on him whenever I'm not in the room without asking.

It's just things like that all the time.

Last night while we were there I was entertaining DS with some nursery rhymes, and then put him on the floor, holding him under the arms standing up for about a second. She literally snatched him off me and said 'I don't need him walking yet'. I was so taken aback, I'm not overexaggerating when i say she snatched him, it was as if she thought he was in danger!

Then this morning when I woke up and came downstairs, I said good morning (admittedly I was still sleepy - up with DS) and she said in front of everyone: 'God, you're like a grumpy teenager in the mornings aren't you!' and then went on to make these really loud, weird grunting noises imitating me, over and over again until the point I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt really embarrassed.

I am feeling quite emotional at the moment as suffering with PND quite badly so I might be a bit sensitive. But is this quite unkind behaviour or am I just being petty?

She obviously doesn't like you.
But now she has made that clear - you no longer need to bother to go there

I would make a huge fuss about the cream particularly if it was hydrocortisone - you can buy it OTC.

Some hydrocortisone creams stipulate how much you can use over a certain area of skin and state you must not use more. Some also state you must not cover the area it's applied on because that intensifies the dosage.

If you are using a cream prescribed by the GP, then MIL adds "her" cream on top, it could significantly increase the dose your child has been given.

If she's added "her" cream on top of yours to any areas of your baby's skin that are covered with clothing, then even more possible damage could occur.

I would read her the riot act at full volume loud and long for doing that.

Irrespective of anything else she has done, this action of hers would send me into refusing to let her have unsupervised contact with your child ever.

Your DP needs to fully understand how dangerous his mother's actions are, her motivations don't matter, her selfishness to have her own way to the baby's detriment does.

Shinyletsbebadguys, I'm using my own experiences obviously; my dad's aunt didn't like my mum because she was 'foreign'. My mum took against her and it was mutual antipathy for our whole lives. My mum though didn't stand in the way of dad's aunt (nor sure what that relationship is called?) seeing us though and I'm grateful to my mum for that. It really wasn't the cowardice as you suggest.

We moved and didn't have anything more to do with her after that.

I can't really comment on the OP's exact situation as I'm not in her head. Nor can anybody else on the thread but that doesn't stop them. The point is, OP knows the cut-off point. i'm assuming the person she chose to have a child with has the child's best interests at heart and on that basis, suggested that I'd let child go to grandparent on the understand that there's no more medicating of him. On that understanding, I'd be happy for her to see child with partner but wouldn't want to see her myself and would be at the gym, or shopping or just putting my feet up doing what I wanted instead.

I'm absolutely in agreement with OP, whatever she wants to do. Only she knows what the situation with her partner and this MIL really is.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe That's interesting, because I would think less of my mum if she allowed a racist aunt to see me, I would see it as a form of moral cowardice. On racism and disrespecting the child's mother I am very black and white I'm afraid. If my DH's aunt was racist against me, I would not allow her to see our children because I would consider that to be a bit hypocritical - that she wants to see half of my genes, so to speak, and I would be wary of what she would say to my children, the vibe she would give off - kids do know, they pick it up. I would not want to subject my children to that possible type of emotional/psychological harm. I would consider her to not be of good character to be around my children. If a relative hated my mum does because she is 'foreign', I would really hold it against my mum for making me associate with her. It would cause a rift between us because I would see it as she failed in her duty to protect me from harm and from bad characters/bad influences. There is absolutely no way in hell my children would ever be allowed to see a relative like that.

You MIL is a dick

Timekeeper2, I'm grateful to my mum because I felt no guilt when dad's aunt died. Things are not always so black and white.

I wouldn't do half the things my mum did - and none of the things my dad did but, I have all that learning and experience and it's stood me in good stead. Again, it's not possible to overlay your thoughts on somebody else's lived experience.

Doubtless your children will find something to critique about your parenting as mine will about mine. I'm doing my best and I'm sure that's the same for you and every other parent out there.

I wouldn’t be going back for a long time and keeping a polite but cold relationship from now on.

What a horrible bully. Honestly, why do some people do this?
My MIL has a bullying tendency toward me. I find her behaviour hurtful, and I feel sad that we can't have a good MIL/DIL relationship because of her behaviour.

DH doesn't see that he puts up with her poor behaviour because they have a long parent/child relationship of her being helpful, supportive and kind as well as a massive dick on occasion.

I don't have that background so I just see her as an antagonising bully.

My son is driving me to depression! He has stole, lied and stayed out one night this without permission. He is manipulating me in a way that I do actually feel bad for confiscating his phone & Xbox (which I am not giving back until improvements from him…am I bad) He almost had a fight with his dad the other evening 😱 which frightened the hell out of me. I was stuck between them, my husband has apologised and explained a few things to him but there is still a very nasty atmosphere around the house. It was wrong for my husband to lose his temper but my son was ready for a fight, it’s so upsetting and I don’t know where or how to move on. 😔

Your partner needs to step up here. She is over stepping every boundary and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there myself and as a result spend very little time with my in laws. It needs nipping in the bud now. Hope you are okay x

No you're not being petty she's weird, rude and unkind

Well I wouldn’t be going again. Nor would my child

And if this happened to me I would have left the room, packed everything up, got in the car and gone home with the baby and left ‘D’ P to make his own way home

yep, it sounds like foot down time and tell your DH to grow a pair

@K7111

My son is driving me to depression! He has stole, lied and stayed out one night this without permission. He is manipulating me in a way that I do actually feel bad for confiscating his phone & Xbox (which I am not giving back until improvements from him…am I bad) He almost had a fight with his dad the other evening 😱 which frightened the hell out of me. I was stuck between them, my husband has apologised and explained a few things to him but there is still a very nasty atmosphere around the house. It was wrong for my husband to lose his temper but my son was ready for a fight, it’s so upsetting and I don’t know where or how to move on. 😔

You’d probably be better off starting a new thread - what you’ve done is revive a year old zombie thread from someone else so people are replying to that rather than you.

Refuse to go back again

I'd vote for not going there again for a while - she can come and visit you for a short visit.

Take your baby back each time she tries to put cream on him that you haven't approved, or give him medication that you haven't approved.

Use the MN "Did you mean to be so rude" with an icy tone - each time she tries to humilitate you to your face.

Z
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@bluedonuts

Clased with DP's mum in the past but was all sorted out. We went over last night to see her and as she lives an hour away, we stayed the night. I was very tired as had had two hours sleep as was up with DS (5 months). She asked me what was wrong and I just said I'm just a bit tired as DS was up. She then gave me a lecture on how she lived on no sleep with her children and how I should get used to it, and went off about how she even worked nights etc etc.

She's constantly undermining me, DS has a bit of eczema and she bought cream from him from the pharmacy (without asking us if we already had any) and then covers him in it whenever we're there. We had already bought our own cream that we were using. She told me that she had spoken to the pharmacist about it and we needed to use that one. (The one we had already is great). She will literally put it on him whenever I'm not in the room without asking.

It's just things like that all the time.

Last night while we were there I was entertaining DS with some nursery rhymes, and then put him on the floor, holding him under the arms standing up for about a second. She literally snatched him off me and said 'I don't need him walking yet'. I was so taken aback, I'm not overexaggerating when i say she snatched him, it was as if she thought he was in danger!

Then this morning when I woke up and came downstairs, I said good morning (admittedly I was still sleepy - up with DS) and she said in front of everyone: 'God, you're like a grumpy teenager in the mornings aren't you!' and then went on to make these really loud, weird grunting noises imitating me, over and over again until the point I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt really embarrassed.

I am feeling quite emotional at the moment as suffering with PND quite badly so I might be a bit sensitive. But is this quite unkind behaviour or am I just being petty?

If you don’t have a prescription for steroids / specific creams then yes you are encouraged to try different brands with ezcema, but no way should she be interfering like this. In your position I’d make a formal complaint to the pharmacy she spoke to about them providing a non-parent advice on a child’s excema without seeing them.

ZOMBIE THREAD FOLKS !!

@Aquamarine1029

Tell him to remember who his wife is, and at the same time inform him his mother can fuck off and you will no longer be visiting her.

I agree. Next time Dh announces MIL has invited you all to visit and stay, just say no. And he can then explain to her why she's not getting to see her grandson.

Appalling behaviour from her. I wouldn't go there again any time soon if ever. Certainly don't communicate with her again until you feel in a better place with your mental health and the sleep deprivation that comes with a young baby.
If/when you decide to have future contact with her, keep it short and limited and be prepared to assert yourself in respect of you and your son. If you don't feel able to do that, don't feel you need to put yourself in the position of seeing her.
She sounds like a bully or, at best, a buffoon (and still a bully.) You need to focus on yourself and your little family right now. Sounds like you're a fine mummy, doing a great job. She just sounds like she isn't nice and you're worth more than having to deal with that sort of rude, negative behaviour.

Stop going over! And answer her back every time.

You are not being petty, & if I were you I would never stay overnight at hers again.

Last night while we were there I was entertaining DS with some nursery rhymes, and then put him on the floor, holding him under the arms standing up for about a second. She literally snatched him off me and said 'I don't need him walking yet'. I was so taken aback, I'm not overexaggerating when i say she snatched him, it was as if she thought he was in danger!

Did you challenge this batshittery?
Ask her WTF she meant about her not needing him walking yet?
Or even just calmly state that DS will walk when HE is ready, & doesn;t need her input?

If you didn't, it's because she's cowed you with bullying, & you need to change how you respond to her, or she will bully you forever.

When she makes unpleasant remarks, 'Grey Rock' is a very useful technique. Just pick a totally bland statement, & keep repeating it, no matter how she attacks -
"That's nice dear"
"If you say so"
"That's interesting"

But the snatching your son is out of line. It's territorial - she is performing a dominance display, with your son as her tool. Grey Rock won;t work with that, you need to find your inner tiger-mum & roar!
"Don't snatch at my son"
"He'll walk when it's good for him, not you"
"Put the cream away, I've already put some on him"

If she ignores you or bites back - pick your boy up, & leave.
If it's at your house - pick your boy up, & ask her to leave.
If she won't, go out yourself.

In short, you are not obliged to spend time with people who are horrible to you. Go low contact as of today.

Where is your DH in all this?
Does he agree that his mother is overbearing & undermining, or does he expect you to suck it up?

@LunaMuffinTop

Your DP needs to have a word with his mum about her bullying behaviour I wouldn’t want my child round someone who acted like that.

You have a DP problem -you shouldn't be put in that position where his mother is bullying you day in and day out.

My in laws bullied me, my ex didn't stand up to them.

She sounds likes a right bitch and I'd draw my line in the sand -he addresses it right now or you and the DC don't see her.