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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being petty or was DP's mum being unkind?

144 replies

bluedonuts · 01/09/2020 01:06

Clased with DP's mum in the past but was all sorted out. We went over last night to see her and as she lives an hour away, we stayed the night. I was very tired as had had two hours sleep as was up with DS (5 months). She asked me what was wrong and I just said I'm just a bit tired as DS was up. She then gave me a lecture on how she lived on no sleep with her children and how I should get used to it, and went off about how she even worked nights etc etc.

She's constantly undermining me, DS has a bit of eczema and she bought cream from him from the pharmacy (without asking us if we already had any) and then covers him in it whenever we're there. We had already bought our own cream that we were using. She told me that she had spoken to the pharmacist about it and we needed to use that one. (The one we had already is great). She will literally put it on him whenever I'm not in the room without asking.

It's just things like that all the time.

Last night while we were there I was entertaining DS with some nursery rhymes, and then put him on the floor, holding him under the arms standing up for about a second. She literally snatched him off me and said 'I don't need him walking yet'. I was so taken aback, I'm not overexaggerating when i say she snatched him, it was as if she thought he was in danger!

Then this morning when I woke up and came downstairs, I said good morning (admittedly I was still sleepy - up with DS) and she said in front of everyone: 'God, you're like a grumpy teenager in the mornings aren't you!' and then went on to make these really loud, weird grunting noises imitating me, over and over again until the point I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt really embarrassed.

I am feeling quite emotional at the moment as suffering with PND quite badly so I might be a bit sensitive. But is this quite unkind behaviour or am I just being petty?

OP posts:
Thisisnotnormal69 · 01/09/2020 09:54

What a bitch she is! I wouldn’t visit anymore, simple as.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/09/2020 10:05

Whatever reason she has for behaving like that towards you, OP, is her lacking, not yours. I can't imagine that I'd ever treat somebody I loved that way.

Sleep deprivation is awful. Nothing else to say about that except that I really hope that it's short-lived.

I would be telling my partner that I don't want to go to his mother's any more but that he's welcome to take our son but if she ever puts cream on my child again, she wouldn't be seeing him as she couldn't be trusted. Without seeing your child and knowing his medical history, the pharmacist isn't in a position to advise.

Alwaysinpain · 01/09/2020 10:07

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Whatever reason she has for behaving like that towards you, OP, is her lacking, not yours. I can't imagine that I'd ever treat somebody I loved that way.

Sleep deprivation is awful. Nothing else to say about that except that I really hope that it's short-lived.

I would be telling my partner that I don't want to go to his mother's any more but that he's welcome to take our son but if she ever puts cream on my child again, she wouldn't be seeing him as she couldn't be trusted. Without seeing your child and knowing his medical history, the pharmacist isn't in a position to advise.

He's welcome to take our son?!

Are you kidding? So she can cover him in her cream and do whatever she wants? OP gets pushed out and cannot protect her DS? Eventually she'll be turning the little boy against his own mother!!!

MJMG2015 · 01/09/2020 10:16

She's a bitch

You DO NOT have to put up with that. Tell DP all what happened this time, tell him you are DONE. If he wants to visit, he can, but you & DS will not be going.

There is no point going 'softly softly' with people like her. None at all. I wish I'd known that before spending years being upset by ExMIL. I was very young at the time & it was complicated because of work issues too.

I'm older & much more confident/less patient these days & I would not tolerate it or be in a relationship with someone who tolerated me being treat like that.

Look after yourself and don't go 🌷

blanchmange50 · 01/09/2020 10:17

Your DH rolling his eyes isnt standing up to her..... she is a bully and you either stand up to her and call her out or if you are unable to then disengage and dont go back there. I would be having a tough conversation with your DH about his mother and that he needs to support you in calling her out

MJMG2015 · 01/09/2020 10:20

I definitely would not allow him to take our child/children, it's toxic for them too, having a parent undermined.

DP/DH would be time he was an adult and could make his own choices, but with a tone/look that would convey he'd BETTER make a wise choice. If his choice was to keep visiting someone who was such a bitch to me, it would almost certainly spell the end.

(These days, I tolerated that for years, git us precisely nowhere! One of the reasons he's an ex)

Sewsosew · 01/09/2020 10:25

My MIL told me at 4 weeks that DD should be sleeping through the night AND sleeping late, so I had no excuse to be tired.
She also wasn’t tired so why was I (I’d be up since 5am, she’d slept till 11am).
Everything that came out of her mouth was nonsense though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/09/2020 10:47

Alwaysinpain, OP's partner can take their son when he visits his mother, why not? That's on the premise that he doesn't allow his mother to put any cream on his son or any other medication.

Why wouldn't he be allowed to take his son to visit under those circumstances. If I were in the OP's position I wouldn't want to be there but, unless my child were at risk and my partner was unable/unwilling to keep him safe, there's no reason that I'd keep my child from seeing his grandmother.

I'm agreeing with the OP and on her side in case you'd not realised in your rush to rant.

MaxNormal · 01/09/2020 10:51

If that's hydrocortisone cream she's slathering him in she could be causing great damage to his skin.

Timekeeper2 · 01/09/2020 10:51

No, you were not being petty at all, if anything you are under-reacting, or at least more passive than I would be. Firstly though I don't understand why people in the UK feel they need to stay over somewhere if where they're going is over a 30min drive. 60 minutes is nothing and there was no need at all for you to stay over. To be honest, I don't understand why you even visit her, let alone stay over. If she behaved like that to me twice, she would NEVER get a third visit. Ever. Until she changed her attitude and showed you some respect. Ordinarily I might say let your DP take him for an afternoon visit, just the 2 of them, but it sounds like his mum is abusive and will undermine your parenting, and by the weak way your DP stands up for you and DS, I doubt very much at all that he would stop her from doing things to your DS against your wishes. He'd probably defer to her because 'she raised me and I turned out ok, she knows what she's doing' and just wouldn't tell you.

Snatching him out of your arms and saying I don't need him walking yet (who gives a fuqk what she needs or wants about your son, it's none of her business!), then to not only abuse you the next morning but to go even further, making grunting sounds at you (I think she was the one who acted like a grumpy teenager) is not just needling you, she is bullying you. That, would be it for good, for me. I'd (and MY son) would be NC with her for good from that moment on - no visit, not calls, no cards - nothing. At least until she had a complete wakeup to herself.

Cosmos45 · 01/09/2020 11:10

I think you are being waaaaay too polite. How patronising and condescending is the grunting back at you and saying you are like a grumpy teenager. See if that were me I would have looked at her really quizzically, shrugged my shoulders and then quietly and calmly got ready, left the house and driven home without saying another word (and left my husband there too.) and not communicated with her again until she apologised. But I'm a 50 now and have the benefit of age and hindsight.. I probably wouldn't have done that when I was younger to be fair (actually maybe I would).

Jux · 01/09/2020 11:12

Guess who's not going to be visiting MIL again any time soon! Don't blame you one little bit. That imitation of you in the morning was a step too far, draw a line under your relationship with her.

Why stay the night? It's only an hour's drive anyway? But it doesn't matter now.

Walkaround · 01/09/2020 11:22

She sounds like an appalling, toxic person who needs putting in her place. You are the mother in this situation, she is an interfering, harmful influence.

Phrowzunn · 01/09/2020 11:28

I would make it absolutely clear to your DP that she is not seeing your child again until he has a very severe word with her and you get an apology. It’s going to be super awkward but if you don’t do something now and nip it in the bud, this is just going to go on and on your whole life. She won’t like you for it, but why do you care? It sounds like she doesn’t like or respect you anyway so you’re not going to lose anything and I would rather she be civil and faux-nice to my face and in front of my child. Absolutely stand your ground and if your DP won’t have words with her then do it yourself. Flowers for you, hope baby is sleeping a bit better for you soon.

IdblowJonSnow · 01/09/2020 11:39

Fuck that OP.
I think when you're in the middle of these behaviours s it's hard to see them for exactly what they are.

What a horrible woman she is.

I wouldnt go back and expose myself to that.

I've put up with a fair bit from my in laws over the years, but much more subtle than that so hard to call it out. Easier to see it in retrospect sometimes.

Sleep deprivation is awful. Nothing like a bit of empathy is there!

Your DH sounds wet. Is he ever on the receiving end of this stuff or is it only you?

I hope she's feeling ashamed of herself, but these types rarely do!

Piffle11 · 01/09/2020 11:46

You are not being petty. She sounds horrible, and I would not be visiting her again. If she wants to see your child, she can come to you. Administering medication without your consent is disgraceful. I had a similar situation with my MIL and her husband with my first DC: you need to put your foot down. I didn’t, and they made my life a misery. Stop trying to keep the peace: you will make yourself very unhappy. I’m speaking from experience. Start speaking up, start calling people out on their bad behaviour. If they are saying or doing anything that makes you cross or upset, say something.

Viviennemary · 01/09/2020 11:49

Take a big step back from her. Your DH can visit by himself. Some of its just petty annoying behaviour but imitating you like that. Not on.

growinggreyer · 01/09/2020 11:50

What sort of cream was it? Was it unopened and used only for your child, or has she been using it on herself and thought she would squirt a bit on your child's medical condition as an experiment? For that alone I would not be visiting again until she realises that you mean business.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 01/09/2020 11:52

To posters who say that your DP can take the DC alone , I did that , I thought it was a compromise. What happened was it allowed exmil to escalate she did things I still feel guilty about today. I wasn't there to stop it and exdh had already shown me that he couldn't be trusted to stand up for any of us and stop her behaviour. Be very careful about this silly "buttttt sheeessss faaaaamily and needs a relationship " be careful she is not choosing to use that time to do things you don't want happening around your child.

Most people who say this it's because they are scared of having the backbone to stand up and protect DC from someone who is behaving inappropriately or in a toxic way. If you feel she is toxic and your DP didnt stand up for you then sending DC without you is sending them into the jaws of the damn lion.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/09/2020 12:00

I agree that your DP sounds like he's too wet to stand up to his mother where your baby is concerned, so no, I wouldn't be allowing him to take your DS to see his mother either at this stage.

If she wants to see your DS, she comes to you on your terms and then, if she oversteps, you can tell her to leave. And that's only if you can be bothered to have her over.

As for what people are saying about the cream, I totally agree that she shouldn't be touching him with "her" cream - it's very unlikely that the pharmacist has been given the correct info to make an appropriate recommendation and it could indeed be way too strong for your baby's skin. So - if your DP can't be trusted to stop his mother from putting cream on your baby, then no, he can't take him to see her.

oakleaffy · 01/09/2020 12:13

@bluedonuts
My MIL was a bit bossy in the beginning- and rather passive aggressive at times- She insisted on bundling DS up in loads of layers {it was a hot summer!} and when I said not to, she responded with
''I don't care what you think, he is my grandchild, and I want him looked after properly''

She wanted him to have ''prams shoes'' and I absolutely said NO.

It was hard work and exhausting.

If, in toddler years, DS was 'naughty'..She'd say :

''We know who you take after, don't we''.....

I sympathise, but please stand uno for yourself.

My MIL would give DS a severe side parting, looking like a Royal Baby in the 1950's, and said she wanted to get his fluffy blonde locks cut ''As he looks like a girl''..

urgh.

But...... her heart was in the right place. We just didn't see eye to eye re childcare...especially in hairstyles!

Regularsizedrudy · 01/09/2020 12:21

She sounds very nasty and interfering.

JenniferSantoro · 01/09/2020 12:26

Oh wow what a horrible woman. How dare she put cream on your child without asking you. Some great advice by @HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear about how to deal with her. Are you getting any help with the pnd. You need To stand up to her every single time she does this or will continue.
You’re the mum and what you say goes 💐

ChikiTIKI · 01/09/2020 13:45

I think I said earlier that your dh needs to talk to her, but now I've changed my mind. I think you both need to sternly tell her together that this shit needs to stop. Everything out in the open. Make it clear she can't say nasty things to you behind your husbands back. You're telling him everything and her being super crazy and horrible to the point where its out of character for her won't make him not believe you. If she does anything horrible again it's over.

Aridane · 01/09/2020 14:48

She wanted him to have ''prams shoes'' and I absolutely said NO.

@oakleaffy

What are pram shoes?