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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being petty or was DP's mum being unkind?

144 replies

bluedonuts · 01/09/2020 01:06

Clased with DP's mum in the past but was all sorted out. We went over last night to see her and as she lives an hour away, we stayed the night. I was very tired as had had two hours sleep as was up with DS (5 months). She asked me what was wrong and I just said I'm just a bit tired as DS was up. She then gave me a lecture on how she lived on no sleep with her children and how I should get used to it, and went off about how she even worked nights etc etc.

She's constantly undermining me, DS has a bit of eczema and she bought cream from him from the pharmacy (without asking us if we already had any) and then covers him in it whenever we're there. We had already bought our own cream that we were using. She told me that she had spoken to the pharmacist about it and we needed to use that one. (The one we had already is great). She will literally put it on him whenever I'm not in the room without asking.

It's just things like that all the time.

Last night while we were there I was entertaining DS with some nursery rhymes, and then put him on the floor, holding him under the arms standing up for about a second. She literally snatched him off me and said 'I don't need him walking yet'. I was so taken aback, I'm not overexaggerating when i say she snatched him, it was as if she thought he was in danger!

Then this morning when I woke up and came downstairs, I said good morning (admittedly I was still sleepy - up with DS) and she said in front of everyone: 'God, you're like a grumpy teenager in the mornings aren't you!' and then went on to make these really loud, weird grunting noises imitating me, over and over again until the point I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt really embarrassed.

I am feeling quite emotional at the moment as suffering with PND quite badly so I might be a bit sensitive. But is this quite unkind behaviour or am I just being petty?

OP posts:
turnitonagain · 01/09/2020 04:45

My MIL was like that. I had a colicky non sleeping baby and all she did was tell me I was doing everything wrong. That I was the reason for DC issues. We had a huge argument and DH backed me when the baby was around 7 months old. After that it calmed down and by DC 2 she had realised I was a competent mother without her input (as we don’t live in the same country).

Honestly some women just misremember that period and act like they were superwomen back then. And with no sleep who has the patience to put up with it? I don’t regret the row I started with MIL because she deserved it. I was an exhausted new mother and I needed help not chiding. It’s wrong to pick on a family member who is struggling, MILs don’t get an exception.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/09/2020 05:01

Who was your DP rolling his eyes at, you or your mother? I mean, was he suggesting that you were over-reacting? (you're not) or that she's just like that and what can you do?

She sounds like an utter bitch, tbh.
No one should treat a still-pretty-new mother that way, with lack of sleep and everything going on - and if she KNOWS you have PND then that makes her a cunt of the highest order. Angry

Don't go back there. If she wants to see your baby then she'll have to come to you from now on. But fgs don't let her stay over! An hour is nothing for adults to travel! (different with baby).

AngelaScandal · 01/09/2020 05:04

Jesus H Christ what an absolute bitch.

Things you can’t change - her.
Things you can change - visits to hers, staying over.

When she learns some basic decency then she can rewarded with overnights again.

TitsOutForHarambe · 01/09/2020 05:10

She's horrible

TitsOutForHarambe · 01/09/2020 05:11

I wouldn't have DC staying there anymore. Her not wanting him to walk is scary - sounds like there's a lot of weird stuff going on emotionally and you have no idea what it's like when she's alone with him. I'd be concerned.

If she wants to see him then she can come to you and see him while you are there.

Rainagain72 · 01/09/2020 06:14

Her saying ‘I don’t need him walking yet’ sounds a bit creepy! Hopefully she just meant because her house wasn’t toddler friendly and envisaged him banging into things....regardless, she’s obviously a bully.

Angelina82 · 01/09/2020 06:24

YANBU OP, she sounds absolutely awful and I honestly couldn’t be around someone like her. Fuck that shit!

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 01/09/2020 06:53

i dont think an over night is advisable.
she sounds hard work.
and bless you, you are tired from the night wakings. Thanks

MrsJonesAndMe · 01/09/2020 07:02

I wouldn't go and stay again. I'd arrange to meet somewhere neutral like a garden centre so that she doesn't have a chance to do any of this weird stuff behind DP's back.

Last August we visited MIL and we bought, cooked and cleaned up our evening meal, the next day we did the same but I was told I was doing the washing up wrong Confused .... this year, we went and visited just for a few hours and we left with a pile of washing up waiting for her to deal with. I did feel bad, but I'm not putting myself in that position again!

BigThunderMountainRailroad · 01/09/2020 07:08

Don’t go back. Stand your ground. Send your partner back to visit her on his own and you stay at home with your son. When she kicks off about you not being there/seeing her grandson, the firm line you take is “until you start treating me with respect and apologise, you won’t be seeing us”.

I’m all for family harmony, but I don’t believe in people being bullied like that and expect them to suck it up and turn a blind eye.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/09/2020 07:09

pack up your stuff OP and get the hell out of there.She is a bitch and down right nasty.I would say to dh either you take us home now or I will get a taxi or if you drive take the car.Tell her thank you its been a joy being treated like shit by you , we wont bother you any more.Do it you will feel much better.You do not need this in your life. Start as you mean to go on.

HandfulofDust · 01/09/2020 07:10

Obviously YANBU. I can't believe you're even questioning it. I'd be livid if anyone in my family treated my partner like that.

VeganCow · 01/09/2020 07:23

the mocking grunting would have done it for me, the rest I would roll eyes over and correct her on as I've seen worse. I would have picked baby up and said im not putting up with this and gone home, that would be it for me.

JoanJosephJim · 01/09/2020 07:23

No more visits, how fucking dare she. This is your child, you decide what cream goes on him. You need to tell your Dp you are not putting up with this and you shouldn't have to.

FIL undermined me a lot even directly going against what I had explicitly told Ds not to do, FIL said it is fine, I said no it is not. He had a hissy fit and the words "in my house were used" I told him I was the parent, not him and if in my house was an issue we wouldn't be coming again (this from the man who let his wife single handedly raise the children, he literally earned money, didn't play with them, didn't bath his own children and all of a sudden he is an expert on raising children.)

I walked, Dh backed me up and walked out too. His Mum came running after us as we loaded up the car trying to make peace, Dh told her we were done. She was devastated as it was him, not her.

Things massively improved after that, I think mostly because Dh stood his ground and my lovely MIL spoke at length to FIL.

I love it when people do competitive I was more tired than you. Your Dp needs to tell her straight, it isn't a competition. You are the parents, what you say goes, you are not 14.

Soubriquet · 01/09/2020 07:32

she doesn’t need him walking yet?!

It’s nothing to do with her.

boredboredboredboredbored · 01/09/2020 07:32

Yanbu and I wouldn't be visiting her again. Fuck that shit!

Aweebawbee · 01/09/2020 07:40

She's too involved, back off. You might lose out on some support, but it sounds as though it would be worth it.

TheHappyHerbivore · 01/09/2020 07:43

YANBU, she’s absolutely horrible!

Agree you need to speak to your DP about it. You shouldn’t have to tolerate that Flowers

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 01/09/2020 07:47

I was stunned reading this! Your MIL is worse than rude, her behaviour is outrageous. She is making your PND worśe, in fact she’s probably the main reason you have PND.

I would stop these dreadful visits and don’t let her near DS? DP can visit her alone (definitely not taking DS) if he wants to.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 01/09/2020 07:49

don’t let her near DS?

I didn’t mean to put a question mark. Don’t let her near DS!

relievedlady · 01/09/2020 08:02

Your both grown females on the same level remember that op.

Don't let her treat you or speak to you like your anything other.

Fil used to try and undermine or intimidate with his opinions and I kind of shrank away from it for years but one day I got so pissed off with it I called him out on it after yet another off the cuff but rude comment from him.

He's never done it again.

Be polite when you do it and put her on the spot calmly.

Don't put up with it op

Itisbetter · 01/09/2020 08:03

Tell her not to put cream or any other medication on your child EVER.
She shouldn’t be touching him anyway unless you’re bubbled (and it doesn’t sound like you are)
It’s up to you how you play with your child, she may not snatch him and you need to take him back.
Tell her you won’t be staying again this year and go and be happy.

She’s bullying you and you don’t have to put up with it. She doesn’t sound like she wants you to be married to her son. What does he think about that?

ChikiTIKI · 01/09/2020 08:03

Your dh needs to have a stern word with her.

And no more sleepovers, it's not necessary living that close.

LouiseTrees · 01/09/2020 08:04

Why did you even expose yourself to her? Tell DH no more visit til she learns to behave.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 01/09/2020 08:10

She is overbearing and rude. Stand up for yourself. Don’t expect your DH to speak for you, it can be hard to go against years of conditioning but you don’t have that problem. You are an adult with very little history with this woman. You can shape the dynamic here in a way your DH can’t. You don’t need a go between to negotiate for you with another adult.
There is no need to be rude just straightforward ‘MIL, I’m sure you don’t mean any harm but I’m doing my best here and I find your comments/behaviour hurtful/annoying/undermining etc. ‘. If she argues say nicely ‘I don’t want to fall out with you over this, I just wanted to let you know how I feel’. If she persists withdraw (with your DC) until ‘we all feel calmer’.

Maintain an appearance of being calm and cool at all times. Don’t let her bully you into submission or retaliation.