Would you have a problem with this?

[mrsnec]

DH has a friend I don't get on with. He has been seeing someone recently who is desperate to make an impression on his friends. She earns a lot more money than him.

We don't live near them but she's been sending my DH presents to try and impress him. Expensive booze mainly.

For some reason I am really uncomfortable with this and I don't know why. I got another delivery today and contemplated not signing for it. So AIBU?

*there not their

There has been a similar thread in the last week or so @GilbertMarkham but wasn't the poster in Scotland?

Yes, I think this is a different OP.

@forrestgreen
Op is abroad or do you class Scotland as abroad?
OPs pp are able to be read and make for a sad read.
Please make your plans to leave, to say you don’t like the thought of going it alone but would stay with this horrible man is very sad. Your marriage isn’t going to get better, why stay and be humiliated and disrespected.

@mrsnec

If I left, I don't think he'd mind. I can't see him objecting to me taking the DC back to the UK.

I'm still considering sending her a message. I'm not sure how to word it though.

Don't bother!

You have much bigger problems than her.

Your husband is a complete pig.

I'd be livid!

Your husband has worn you down, OP. He is behaving like a vile pig. No way ever should a woman put up with this disrespect. Please leave him for you and before your dcs think it's acceptable to behave like this.

Your husband is treating you like shit!

All horrible. Sleazy, thick, insecure, unpleasant - all of them, especially your so-called DH.

The sooner you get away from this nauseating set up the sooner you will feel better.

Normal people don’t think of sex and relationships in this way. Or friendships. This woman is a mess, if she was emotionally healthy she’d be giving these two twats a very wide berth. Feel sorry for her but concentrate on yourself. Get passports sorted and see how much cash and assets you can access and get free.

If what's being said here about your husband is true, I probably wouldn't say jack to him about this woman. Why tip him off?

I'd use this time to get my ducks in a row and give serious thought to a future without him. You don't need his shit. Try and figure out if you want and can afford a life where you are or how you can make moving back to the UK and to your parents work for you. I know you've said you don't like where they are, but you know there is a lot to be said for a life that is peaceful and not full of hurt and stress. I'd rather live in a bedsit in peace than in a mansion with a man like that.

I'd consult a lawyer/solicitor where you're living to find out the legalities of divorce there and the effects of taking a child out of the country (ie Hague Convention) without the permission of the other parent.

There is so much wrong going on here. But him criticizing your technique (WTF!!) is a deal breaker alone. He sounds like an utter sleaze, makes your plans and go!

Wow. What a trio. Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest. The dynamics here are seduction and manipulation and your H is lapping it up, all the while devaluing you. There’s no telling where it all might lead, but I wouldn’t stick around to find out.

That H has been discussing your sex life and criticizing you to others is utterly despicable, as is crudely telling you to ‘work on your technique.’ I don’t know how you can stand to look at him.

I would absolutely return with your parents. You and the children deserve better than this weak, sleazy man.

I'm a 5 hour flight from the UK. I do remember recently seeing a similar post from someone who appeared to be in the same situation as my first post. Ie partner with a dodgy mate having a very negative influence on her life. I didn't RTFL or comment on it because it felt way too close to home.

DH thinks that you can be friends with someone even if you have a different moral code and thinks that his pal deserves some fun because he was treated so badly by his exes. I said but don't you think the friend is setting a bad example to his children? He has joint custody of 2 of his 3 children. They would have seen their dad share a bed with 4 different women over the past month.

The friend is due to visit us in a few weeks time and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I'm not clear on whether this is the same op as the one whose dh's friend was an issue but everything I've repeated from that thread seems to chime with op.
One other thing I can think of is that op said DH cleans, tidies, lays out the red carpet etc for his friend when he comes to the house, effort he wouldnt put in normally/for anyone else and also that op has been going out if he comes to theirs.

In any case op, the complaint about your sex life ... At all but especially in front of other people;

That alone, the fucking gall if him given he's reduced sex to a one sided, selfish, disrespectful, crappy experience ... What on earth would you want to have more frequent sex??? Why would you want to "improve" or expand your activities - though that sounds more like you acting like you're a porn actress than anything aimed at being good for both of you)??

That is a deal breaker alone.

Fk I wish you'd responded in front of the people he saw fit to talk about it in front of - "maybe you'll get more sex if the sex is better than the shitty selfish performance you've been putting on for X years now!".

But noone normal would find that easy to say .. unlike him (who's not normal) and anyone would expect their relationship to possibly end if such a thing was said in front of others. Not him though. He obviously thinks he can say and do that without you getting rid (or at least a major major row).

But he's not scared of the reverse, is he.

LTB

*I probably wouldn't say jack to him about this woman. Why tip him off?

I'd use this time to get my ducks in a row and give serious thought to a future without him. You don't need his shit. Try and figure out if you want and can afford a life where you are or how you can make moving back to the UK and to your parents work for you.*

This too.

What's the point of confronting or arguing with someone like this.

You're just giving them a heads up and they re so unlikely to change.

I just want her to stop sending him stuff. I know he's going to want to try and impress her when he goes to visit his mate and it will annoy me. His mate had a period of long term unemployment and DH is often splashing the cash on him. We had a family holiday back to the UK for example and DH spent 5 out of the 7 nights out on the town with this bloke and spent 800 quid on nights out.

When he comes over I do all the cooking and cleaning. Like I do for everyone.

If I leave I will be going to the UK. I would not stay here. No way. I'd have no support network and I've never been able to find work. If I went back to the UK I'd have to try and find out if I was eligable for any state help.

We had a family holiday back to the UK for example and DH spent 5 out of the 7 nights out on the town with this bloke and spent 800 quid on nights out.

.

I think I've mixed you up with the other poster who , as another poster pointed out, is in Scotland. It's amazing, or maybe not so amazing, that her dh's friend has so many parallels with her dh's.

In any case his behaviour around his friend and this woman, his attitude towards sex, his challenging you/criticising you about your sex life (a sex life that he puts no effort at mutual enjoyment into whatsoever by the sounds of it) in front of other people, and hid general attitude would seem to sadly point to you getting ducks in a row and getting out. Some very discrete legal and financial advice would be a starting point.

*your

And you shouldn't have to communicate with this mess of a woman to stop her from interacting with your h, he should never have gotten into it and having gotten into it, he should be the one to put an end to it. But I seriously doubt he will. No doubt you'll be called ungrateful, rude, suspicious, negative, a prude, a fun-sucker etc etc etc. All the gas lighting a d manipulating people do to convince themselves and you that their behaviour is not highly inappropriate.

The problem is him.

I certainly wouldn't be there when Sleaze1 came to visit Sleaze2 this time.

Stop worrying about what your H is doing in relation to this woman. Waste of mental energy. Nothing you say will make any difference to how he does or doesn't act. What WILL make all the difference in the world is you thinking - but I don't care. He is out of my life. I'm planning a new life without him in it and THAT is where my energy is going, thanks! He can drool around all he likes and prance around like a tit trying to impress messed-up people all he likes. Not. My. Problem.

Seriously - the only thing you should be doing right now are those passport applications! TODAY!

Then: finances. Access, moving some, proof of everything. It will be harder to manage from the UK. Take all you can by the way - you're married, it will be as hard for him to claw stuff back as it will be for you to actually get maintenance out of him overseas, so swipe everything you can.

Start planning.

Sounds odd

You can't buy friendship like that.

Like I want to be friends with you despite never meeting you, here's some nice gin. Who does that?

@mrsnec

I just want her to stop sending him stuff. I know he's going to want to try and impress her when he goes to visit his mate and it will annoy me. His mate had a period of long term unemployment and DH is often splashing the cash on him. We had a family holiday back to the UK for example and DH spent 5 out of the 7 nights out on the town with this bloke and spent 800 quid on nights out.

When he comes over I do all the cooking and cleaning. Like I do for everyone.

If I leave I will be going to the UK. I would not stay here. No way. I'd have no support network and I've never been able to find work. If I went back to the UK I'd have to try and find out if I was eligable for any state help.

But HE doesn't want her to stop sending him stuff, does he? So what you want doesn't signify in reality. Your DH is perfectly happy with the situation and doesn't give a rat's arse what you want and you can't make him give one. In fact, he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't give a rat's arse about anything you think or anything that bothers you. That's the plain truth.

So, why do you do all the cleaning and cooking when this sleaze bag is there? You do have the option to NOT do it or to do the bare minimum. When either DH or I have friends to stay (they're all lovely) I certainly don't clean up after them. They clean up after themselves. I keep the house tidy, but I expect them to pick up after themselves, tidy up the bathroom after they use it, and put their 'extra' dishes in the dishwasher. The same things I do as a guest.

Now, picture yourself (eventually) in a little flat/house in the UK. No obnoxious guests, no wasted £800 nights on the town, no sleazy woman trying to 'buy' your (worthless) man. Just a quiet little home where things are neat and tidy, there's a bit of money left at the end of the month, and your rules are the house rules. Sounds blissful, doesn't it? And maybe, just maybe, a bit down the road when you've had a chance to breathe and really get to know yourself someone will come along who will add to your life instead of tearing it to shreds.

You're still trying to blame the friend & his 'Gf'.

Seriously THEY are not the problem! Yes, they're being rude, annoying, tart, pushy etc but it's your DH that's the problem for your marriage.

Come back to the UK, you don't have to stay in Devon forever!

Single mum, two kids, the benefits are enough to live on while you get yourself sorted.

Get your passports sorted & come home.