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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have a problem with this?

136 replies

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 12:50

DH has a friend I don't get on with. He has been seeing someone recently who is desperate to make an impression on his friends. She earns a lot more money than him.

We don't live near them but she's been sending my DH presents to try and impress him. Expensive booze mainly.

For some reason I am really uncomfortable with this and I don't know why. I got another delivery today and contemplated not signing for it. So AIBU?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2020 15:06

Some women (and some men) just have to feel they're irresistible to their sexual 'target audience'. It's not always about affairs or conquest per se, just that they have a need to be '#1', over and above any other member of their sex, including spouses, fiance(e)s, etc. I'm not saying what she's doing is right, it's not. Just a possibly motivation other than wanting an affair. Or if your DH is in a better position (work/financial) maybe she's looking at 'trading up', dumping fiance and friend for your DH. Maybe she's just a serial shagger, who knows.

But I can tell you one thing, my own DH would not allow me to be 'cut out' of a conversation nor would he accept random gifts from someone engaged to or seeing another person. It sends the wrong message and is disrespectful to the person one is committed to.

My DH has female friends and not a single one of them sends my Spidey-senses tingling. If this woman does yours, there's probably a good reason for it.

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 17:09

Yes the friend knows she's been sending stuff. He also has other friends near where he lives and she's taken them all out for drinks and dinner and paid for everything. The friend said she should treat DH too . She said it was 'Her job to make things happen' today's parcel was 60 quids worth of booze and it's the third time in a couple of weeks she's sent something.

They always Skype together so friend sees exactly how she is with DH.

Spidey senses working overtime and yes I knew women like this existed I've just never been able to get my head round why anyone would behave like it.

We have a visitor at the moment. Can't have any serious discussions with DH because I don't want to create an atmosphere.

For info, friend has terrible financial situation. Ours is somewhere in between his and hers.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 31/08/2020 17:19

I’d be taking your DH for a walk and making it clear he’s the problem here, he’s disrespecting you by allowing you to be ignored and excluded. He’s clearly loving the attention and the whole set up is wrong, who on earth sends gifts to yr bit on the sides
pals?? She’s a weirdo for sure.

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 17:29

Not a bad idea. Visitor has seen what's going on and appears to be on my side. DH is working late tonight but I might do that tomorrow.

Also not sure if this is relevant, DH is the only one of the friendship group who is married with a family.

OP posts:
nosswith · 31/08/2020 17:54

Yes, very strange. Glad to read you are not alone in thinking this.

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 18:03

Yes, I have briefly spoken to a couple of friends in RL too but I don't like to burden people so they are unaware of the latest developments but both said I should have nipped it in the bud last time but I was too shocked and upset that DH thought I might offend her.

I've posted before about this friend of DH's. Everyone told me to LTB but I refuse to let him ruin my marriage.

DH's forthcoming trip to the UK was booked before all this happened because he attends an annual event. He'd normally stay at the airport before and after but now he wants to stay with them so he's not specifically going to visit them.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 31/08/2020 18:15

I remember your post about the friend. Tbh you have a huge DH problem, stop blaming the friends, gf etc.
Your DH is beyond disrespectful to you and puts everyone before you, I really think you need a long think about your marriage, he’s not going to change.

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 18:39

I know. I just don't like the alternative either.

The trouble is those Skype calls were daily and they still are. Things got a bit better for a while and have got worse again over the last couple of weeks.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 31/08/2020 18:45

The alternative is being happy, regaining your confidence and self esteem and not being stuck with an ignorant selfish git for a husband. Being single isn’t some awful taboo thing.

aec83x · 31/08/2020 18:50

Do what @SBTLove said and go for a walk. Everyone is going in on DH but you havent really given him an opportunity to act in your best interest because you havent really told him how much of a problem is.

Do you think theres a reason you are putting off the conversation?

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 18:59

Yes I think I am putting off the conversation because I'm scared he's going to put them first. Also we're abroad, my passport and my dd's passport has expired and if it all kicks off I have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
aec83x · 31/08/2020 19:04

Oh hun, you cant put your feelings aside like that for fear of being overlooked. Either way and whatever your anticipating, you have the right to feel how you feel.

If it kicks off, you dont need to go anywhere straight away. You can make plans from there. Put him on the sofa!

If it doesnt kick off, he might listen and understand your needs and this could all be nipped in the bud.

Either way, you cant go on like this so one of those things needs to happen xx

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 19:14

My parents are visiting us next month. I haven't told him yet but I'm contemplating going back to the UK with them if we can't figure this out by then. I'm making it a priority to sort my passport out just in case. I will try and find the right moment to talk to him though but it's difficult.

With the Skype calls as well they're bragging about how much action they're having. DH still moaning about my lack of interest in sex and he's constantly on about it and constantly playing with himself. So it's the fact that I can't please him as well as everything else. The conversation tonight happened in front of our visitor. He seems to think this friend is full of BS. Why can't DH see it?

OP posts:
aec83x · 31/08/2020 19:19

My god

I am speechless

I would have unplugged the wifi there and then. Sex issues are obviously common at points in any relationship but its a very common thing. DH and I are going through something similar but the other way round - he has been ill so his libido has dropped. You are probably the first person I have told. I dont tell my friends even and I certainly would NEVER embarrass him like that in front of other people and nor would he.

That in itself is a dealbreaker regardless of her and presents etc. All the more reason for you to get this conversation happening tonight!

Gurtcha · 31/08/2020 19:20

ALL the nopes!!

Planning to go back to the UK with your parents when they visit is a very good idea judging by all your posts. You’ll have people to help you organise your stuff, travel with and back you up should the need arise. Get your passports sorted this month and please do this!

CokeEnStock · 31/08/2020 19:24

Where are you? Remember you can't take your dd from her habitual place of residence without the permission of your dh.

2bazookas · 31/08/2020 19:27

If sending her a message might make trouble..... I'd definitely send her one.

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 19:30

Even before this girl was on the scene DH told me he'd been confiding in his friends about the problems in our marriage. He was slagging me off for not putting out enough and told me I need to work on my techniques. It's difficult at the moment because I know they all use porn and I'm not keen on it. I don't mind as long as I don't know about it but I can't decide if in the evenings I should just send him off somewhere to sort himself out or put up with him wanting next to me while I'm trying to get to sleep.

He thinks it's totally normal to discuss sex with other people. And he's an extremely difficult person to argue with.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 19:32

If I left, I don't think he'd mind. I can't see him objecting to me taking the DC back to the UK.

I'm still considering sending her a message. I'm not sure how to word it though.

OP posts:
Gurtcha · 31/08/2020 19:33

Sending a message would be a waste of time OP. She’s not the problem. You need to LTB who is.

RiverMeadow · 31/08/2020 19:38

If that was my DH I would be hitting the fucking roof right now.

YoBeaches · 31/08/2020 19:41

I wouldn't bother with the message. From your updates I'd be getting that plan together to go back to the UK. He treats you like shit and you don't deserve it. It's emotional abuse. Wanking next to you? That's the lowest of the low.

How old is dc?
Get your passports up to date. Do you understand your finances? Have you discussed splitting up before?

aec83x · 31/08/2020 19:41

You're right she isnt the problem, he is, but maybe you will get to the bottom of what is going on by messaging her. I think its better to confront him first though.

Porn is cool and men use it but talking about porn with another woman? Not ok!

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 31/08/2020 19:51

I am not normally in the LTB camp but if my DH was having his ego stroked by a woman who kept sending him expensive alcohol gifts and he was complaining to her about my sexual performance, by fuck he would have his stuff in black bags in the garden quicker than you could say emotional affair. This woman is NOT your problem.

Ultimatum time for DH. In your situation I'd be absolutely insisting he cut all contact with this woman with immediate effect

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 19:54

My DC are 4 and 5.

Yes we have discussed splitting up before. I gave up everything to move here and I have a nice life on paper. I went back to the UK to visit my parents and I hated where they lived and felt worse there than I do here and I felt I wouldn't be able to cope with the upheaval but I know my parents would help me as a last resort I just keep hoping it won't come to that

OP posts: