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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you have a problem with this?

136 replies

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 12:50

DH has a friend I don't get on with. He has been seeing someone recently who is desperate to make an impression on his friends. She earns a lot more money than him.

We don't live near them but she's been sending my DH presents to try and impress him. Expensive booze mainly.

For some reason I am really uncomfortable with this and I don't know why. I got another delivery today and contemplated not signing for it. So AIBU?

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 31/08/2020 19:55

Don’t send a message to this woman....send it to your parents and get the ball moving for you & your wee one to return to the UK.
This is done.

Gurtcha · 31/08/2020 19:58

I don’t want to derail this thread, which has the potential to be very supportive to the OP but @aec83x Porn is cool, no it isn’t. There’s literally 100s of very educational threads on MN details why exactly porn is very far from ‘cool’. The fact OPs DH uses porn so avidly, just adds to his vile character and doesn’t surprise me at all.

YoBeaches · 31/08/2020 20:00

But being with your parents will be temporary. Not liking where they are is short term.

Can you work? Do you have savings? As the kids are school age and can make a nice life for yourself her.

It's got to be better than what you are living with now?

aec83x · 31/08/2020 20:01

Hmmm I don't agree. I'm not a huge fan and I think its way too easy for kids to get hold of and it gives them unrealistic ideas about sex, body image etc but if a grown ass man wants to use it, I don't see the problem. A lot of men use it. My DH doesn't but if he did, i really wouldnt bat an eyelid. Its a way of bridging a gap between two people with different sex drives. If he then started talking to another woman about porn, I would lose my shit

Gurtcha · 31/08/2020 20:08

Yep watching trafficked women and girls be raped is an excellent and completely decent way of bridging a gap between two differing sex drives

You can disagree if you want but like I said there’s 100s of very educational threads with facts and statistics on MN if you’d like to explore why you really might ‘not be keen’ on it and also like I said, I’d rather not derail OPs thread. Telling her porn is cool in her circumstances though, is not at all helpful.

Original poster

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 20:08

Possibly could work, haven't in 10 years there isn't much work where my parents live (South Devon)

I have no savings but a couple of assets I could sell and I know my parents would help but I have to be totally sure it's right and it doesn't feel like it despite the circumstances.

And regarding the porn thing, I gave it a go a while ago because I didn't want my DH to think I was a prude and I wanted him to think I was open to new ideas. It was one of those things where it's supposed to be real couples. Long story short it wasn't even that dodgy but after I watched it my opinion of porn is even lower than it was before and I will never watch it again as long as I live.

OP posts:

YoBeaches · 31/08/2020 20:22

Well if you don't feel it's the right time to leave then it could be because your fearful of the change rather than happy to stay in the marriage. And that's totally normal.

You need to try and have a conversation where you both compromise, and agree on changes that you can clot to. He doesn't actually sound like he gives a shit about saving the marriage. He probably enjoys seeing you so insecure. I know that harsh to say and I don't know you.

Could you take a holiday away with the kids to the Uk and have a break for a week or two for some space?

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 20:27

I really wouldn't message her, she's irrelevant.

She's actually pretty pathetic; cheating with a guy who messes women around a d has who knows how many on the go .. don't know what her fiancé is like but it seems unlikely he's worse than your dh's friend. He could give her STDs (and she could give them to her fiance if she goes back to him). She obviously doesn't esteem him enough not to.cheat on him, and withba scummy man whore at that, so she's engaged to someone she doesn't value... Sounds like it's all about getting a sparkler in the finger and settling at the right time, her engagement is a farce a d if she married him, her marriage will be too.

Then there's the buying people .. like wtf.

Not only is your dh's mate using her for sex etc alongside other women but he's using her for money a d lifestyle too. He's even got her treating his mates. She's sounds like she thinks it's the only thing she can do to impress and bond with them. That's actually pathetic, she must actually have really low self esteem.
Always playing mummy Warbucks - can't just get to know people and form a normal,natural bond/friendship with them without trying to buy them.

So she she hasn't got an authentic relationship/engagement, she hasnt got authentic friends and her relationship is based on shagging a man whore and financing him.

Meanwhile she's trying to act like you don't exist so she can have another "devoted", admiring bee to her queen - except they're not devoted or admiring; they're using her and bought.

I know her behaviour is very annoying but she's pathetic, her salary is not matched by any self respect of sense. Forget about her.

DH is the real issue apparently.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 20:27

*or sense

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 20:39

Is your dh's friend the one who acted rudely and inappropriately to women he wasn't very interested in on dates to amuse himself by seeing how much they would take before they left (or didn't leave as the case was)?

He actually doing a similar thing with her in a way ... He's seeing how much he can get he'd to do/buy/give and amusing himself. The stuff itself is a great bonus too if course.

But part of it is doing what he enjoys; exploiting women and taking the piss out of them.

She's not very clever for someone on a six figure salary.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 20:40

*get her

Original poster

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 20:48

I don't remember posting about that before it was more about other things but yes he does do that.

And yes she doesn't seem very bright for someone on that salary but it baffles me anyway and I'm not entirely sure it's true because I think it's vulgar to discuss money like that.

My problem with the friend has always been that he's disrespectful to women. All of them regardless of the situation. He treats me like crap when he stays here and he's constantly slagging off the mothers of his children.

Again it's just frustrating DH can't see it and the more time he spends engaging with this prick the worse our relationship is.we were ok when he's not on the scene.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 20:54

As for porn.

Porn actresses are porn actresses. We are not porn actresses (unless there are any on this thread, apologies if there are).

And even porn actresses are not porn actresses when they're at home, in their relationships etc.

Aside from amateur porn (which has its own consent, exploitation and mental health questions) porn actresses are either doing it for money, it is their job .. or are coerced.

My job is not being a porn actress, I do often boring things on computers most of the time for my job (part-time at the moment) and like you I'm a sahm the rest of the time.
So don't expect me to be a fkg porn actress; would be my response to any man who had the unwise temerity to suggest I should match things in porn.

They need to lay off the porn and also realise that it's not reality. It's not real sex, it's not a relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 21:03

Again it's just frustrating DH can't see it and the more time he spends engaging with this prick the worse our relationship is.

If your previous thread is the one I'm thinking of, I think.the majority of posters felt that your DH is actually quite similar to his friend but (apparently) lives vicariously through him rather than doing the stuff himself (though I have to say I wondered about his nights out away from you with this mate).

It's not really the friend, is it. He reflects something in your DH.

It's v interesting/notable how the friend has really brought your DH into the situation/relationship with this woman. And your DH is going along with it.

She may be very unlikeable and it's hard to see past that but if we can fir a minute; the friend is exploiting her (for sex and money), your DH knows he is and has no problem with it, and much worse, he's involved in it too. Accepting expensive gifts from her, letting her exclude you from conversations, plans and invitations, possibly making plans to see her (alone or with his friend?) when he's in her current area, having totally inappropriate conversations in front of her about you/your sex life (if I got that right).

Your DH is not ok when his friend's not around, he's like this and it is demonstrated when his friend's around.

Original poster

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 21:05

This was supposed to be normal couples but what I saw was a woman desperately trying to please a man who was deliberately delaying ejaculation. She was clearly doing all the work in every conceivable position and it went on for absolutely ages. You didn't even see if she was satisfied or not. When he climaxed you just saw him looking smug and still playing with himself.

DH thinks that's normal sex and it's often what it's been like with us but it wasn't always like that. Porn has definitely changed our relationship.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 21:08

They're essentially (without sex). double-teaming her.

It's downright weird the extent to which your dh's friend is bringing him into this "relationship". I don't know if he wants your dh's admiration "look at what I've got, look at what I can get her to do/what she'll do for me" etc. or whether, as a previous poster suggested after an experience with an ex's friend, there'd actually something homoerotic in it for the friend.

Original poster

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 21:08

Cross post but yes @GilbertMarkham that was the previous thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 21:10

I was actually wondering if I should half jokingly ask them all if they were planning a threesome.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 21:12

DH thinks that's normal sex and it's often what it's been like with us but it wasn't always like that.

Just no.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 21:23

I was actually wondering if I should half jokingly ask them all if they were planning a threesome.

It did occur to me (especially if your DH has actually been unfaithful on nights out/away with this guy) that they might share, at the same time or separately .. but I didn't want to get too carried away (or upset you).

I have no idea from your threads whether it's all "talk", living vicariously etc your h or he has actually acted like his friend, and would do so again.

Either way his behaviour is totally inappropriate, he won't distance himself from.a scumbag who's caused an issue in your marriage and his sexual expectations are shite, which makes him selfish and shite in bed.

It stands out for me that the porn he enjoys is exploitative of women/disrespectful/all about them being submissive and being used .... And he's great mates who acts disrespectfully and exploitatively to women (and is nearly a double act in his latest situation-ship).

Pretty much everyone said it was your DH that is the problem in the last thread and no offence but you're back saying "it's just this friend, when he's around, were ok when he's not" etc.

That's like someone saying theres no problem with they'd alco DH as long as there's no drink in the house. Problem is he's an alco though.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 21:25

*great mates with a man who

LadyH846 · 31/08/2020 21:32

@mrsnec

Even before this girl was on the scene DH told me he'd been confiding in his friends about the problems in our marriage. He was slagging me off for not putting out enough and told me I need to work on my techniques. It's difficult at the moment because I know they all use porn and I'm not keen on it. I don't mind as long as I don't know about it but I can't decide if in the evenings I should just send him off somewhere to sort himself out or put up with him wanting next to me while I'm trying to get to sleep.

He thinks it's totally normal to discuss sex with other people. And he's an extremely difficult person to argue with.

I'm sorry but that would be a big no from me.

Slagging you off to his mates about you not putting out? Using porn and talking about it? The more I read, the less I like your DP and it sounds like he has very unhealthy sense of boundaries.. Sounds like you're not that into him either. Does he realise, the more you do this, the less you'll want to have sex with him?

LadyH846 · 31/08/2020 21:33

@aec83x

You're right she isnt the problem, he is, but maybe you will get to the bottom of what is going on by messaging her. I think its better to confront him first though.

Porn is cool and men use it but talking about porn with another woman? Not ok!

Porn is not cool at all. It's cheating, in my book.

LadyH846 · 31/08/2020 21:34

...And it's exploitation.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2020 21:59

*I gave up everything to move here and I have a nice life on paper. I went back to the UK to visit my parents and I hated where they lived and felt worse there than I do here and I felt I wouldn't be able to cope with the upheaval but I know my parents would help me as a last resort I just keep hoping it won't come to that"

Is there any possibility you could manage their on whatever settlement you get, child maintenance, work if possible, benefits etc?

I'd imagine he could prevent you from relocating out of the country with the kids anyway if he wanted to play hard ball.

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