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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have a problem with this?

136 replies

mrsnec · 31/08/2020 12:50

DH has a friend I don't get on with. He has been seeing someone recently who is desperate to make an impression on his friends. She earns a lot more money than him.

We don't live near them but she's been sending my DH presents to try and impress him. Expensive booze mainly.

For some reason I am really uncomfortable with this and I don't know why. I got another delivery today and contemplated not signing for it. So AIBU?

OP posts:
romeolovedjulliet · 31/08/2020 13:33

she seems to have low self esteem so boosts her ego with various men to string along and dh sounds like a school by with a crush and wants a possible snog and grope behind the bike sheds.

Mammabear23 · 31/08/2020 13:35

I think you need to ask yourself if you trust him not to act on any advances she might make. You can make him aware the relationship they have makes you feel uncomfortable and upset, but you can't stop him from contacting her etc etc. It takes 2 to have an affair. If he loves you and wants to stay faithful he can. She can't force him into anything he doesn't want. You're relationship should be based on trust and if you don't have that is it worth staying?
The presents and invitations purely for him and ignoring you on Skype is rude but he could put an end to it. He should respect you enough not to condone that.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/08/2020 13:38

Very weird OP. But if she fancies adding a woman to her collection of weird relationships, pass on my number. I could do with a rich chick sending me presents.Grin

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 13:39

I think I would be happier with the situation if he thanked her and told her to stop politely.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 13:43

Are you sure about that @DioneTheDiabolist? She's absolutely hideous!

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 31/08/2020 13:46

Well you were right about the friend given he's happily shacked up with a woman who has a fiancé in the US.

She's being manipulative by sending him gifts and excluding you. She's playing him and hes lapping it up like a naive little boy.

I would tell him straight that it's not on, and if he plans to visit her in the UK there will
be issues as a result.

Orchidflower1 · 31/08/2020 13:47

@mrsnec forgot red flags you should be waving a bloody great big red dust sheet!

Something is VERY odd here both the friend, friends gf and your dh. Do the friend and the cash splashing gf live together?

Sweetener12 · 31/08/2020 13:52

She sounds strange so I don't think you are the one being unreasonable. After all, does he really need gifts from her and so on?

Planesmistakenforstars · 31/08/2020 13:53

Hold on. So the friend she's dating knows she's engaged to someone else and is fine with this. Your husband knows she's engaged and cheating and doesn't find this questionable. Does the fiance know she's seeing someone else?! And now your husband is going to visit them in the UK. You KNOW she is going to try it on with him don't you? YNBU about any of it. I'd feel very uncomfortable and worried about DH's trip

RyanBergarasTeeth · 31/08/2020 13:54

So inappropriate and your husband is being inappropriate as well for not putting his foot down and stopping this. Also if he goes abroad with her i would end the relationship so much disrespect.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/08/2020 13:55

I watch political programmes, so I'm ok with hideous people on screens.Grin

Unsure33 · 31/08/2020 13:56

What does your dh think about her having a boyfriend and a fiancé?

And when you say hideous do you mean appearance or personality?

SBTLove · 31/08/2020 14:00

In what way are the Skype calls cringey?

aec83x · 31/08/2020 14:00

I would have kicked off at the point that I wasn't allowed to join the skype let alone the rest.

Sounds like DH doesnt realise how much this bothers you. Men are quite thick when it comes to noticing stuff so he probably doesnt see how annoyed you are or that she may be being inappropriate.

I would sit down and explain how uncomfortable this makes you. Regardless of whether you are reading too much into it or not, his priority should be how you feel so his reaction to that conversation should make you feel better.

Loopylou6 · 31/08/2020 14:03

Sounds to me like he's loving the attention, she's pretty much 'grooming' him by sending these gifts.
I think she has plans for him when he visits.

FippertyGibbett · 31/08/2020 14:04

No, it’s not ok.

krustykittens · 31/08/2020 14:05

YANBU. There is nothing you can do about her behaviour but I would expect a damn sight better from my DH!

CaptainAthena · 31/08/2020 14:07

So she has a boyfriend as well as a fiance and she is all over your husband too?

And the fellas are all fine with this?

It's utterly bizarre, you are not being unreasonable at all

SummerWhisper · 31/08/2020 14:11

You need to face this head on. Tell him he is allowing her to exclude you. Tell him that you two are supposed to be a team and not allow others to divide you. Tell him she is making a massive play for him. Tell him the consequences if he so much as kisses her. Tell him it's already an exclusive relationship between them because you are not allowed to participate. Tell him he should have your back, not hers.

Didkdt · 31/08/2020 14:13

Everyone is treating you as if you don't matter, I think think that's the biggest problem and all the other niggles and concerns will become irrelevant once you stand your ground as someone who does matter.
If they want to chat in front of you you need to make sure you don't hide away.

Original poster
mrsnec · 31/08/2020 14:18

Friend has a track record of questionable morals. Has been seeing several different women at the same time recently and is probably still on Tinder. DH didn't see the problem before because apparently they all knew the situation and were fine with it. And he likes seeing his mate happy. I said it's different now, this one is engaged and he said he didn't know what was going on with that.

It's the personality that's false. Fake laughs at everything DH says and then goes 'oh J you're just tooo funny!' That's one of the cringey things.

DH didn't have that much to do with her years ago. She was temp mat cover for the md's pa where they used to work. She was based in head office and they were both out on site in other parts of the UK so their paths wouldn't have crossed that much.

OP posts:
Pogmella · 31/08/2020 14:19

OP if it was my DH I’d suspect he was having or lining up an affair tbh. It just all seems so odd and that would be a simple explanation?

ClementineWoolysocks · 31/08/2020 14:28

Your husband needs to knock this on the head, he knows how it looks to you and to the rest of us. I'm not saying he shouldn't have female friends but she sounds like she's making a very obvious play for him. The gifts are weird.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 14:35

Yeah that sounds weird as fuck, i wouldn't like it

nancybotwinbloom · 31/08/2020 14:39

Yep I'd have a problem. Weird as fuck.

How often are they in touch? Your DH and this weirdo? Is it one on one calls
Or is the friend on them too?

Does the friend know she's sending your DH presents?