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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you wish your parents did differently when you were a child?

152 replies

flatlife · 30/08/2020 19:11

I used to hate the fact my you ger brother was allowed to do what he liked while I had to behave. He was 1/2 and I was about 5. I hadn't realised he was a baby- I remember thinking he was dumb because he couldn't talk yet!
I wish my parents had explained that he was still a baby.

also when music videos had a sexual theme- it made me so embarrassed but the music was on in the 'background while my mom cleaned so she probably didn't notice.

drinking beer and smoking were main ones of course.

whats yours?

OP posts:
Itstheprinciple · 30/08/2020 20:02

That my mum had never got with her partner.

That my dad had been more consistent in his visitation. (now I'm older I understand he has MH issues which make this hard for him but I also think he's just generally a bit flaky)

DorisDances · 30/08/2020 20:04

More physically affectionate. Not force feeding me meat. Taking us out for an occasional meal.

sanityisamyth · 30/08/2020 20:05

I wish that my mother didn't leave me from the age of 10 in charge of a psychotic 8 year old and a 4 year old with no outside help for 10 hours a day whilst she was at work. Constantly being on the look out for knife, sledgehammer, aerosol and fist attacks, as well as being pushed down the stairs, stolen from and emotionally abused for 4 years until psychotic sister finally got expelled from her second school and had to live with our father 150 miles away.

wigglerose · 30/08/2020 20:05

Been better equipped to provide emotional support when I was being bullied and had difficult friendships.
Let me do the same things as my brother.

taranaki · 30/08/2020 20:12

Sent me out to work in a pub aged 15. We were well off compared to most of my friends so didn't need the money but they thought i was gaining a good work ethic. Instead i was getting pissed drunk after work 4 or 5 nights a week, getting 5 hours sleep and going to school the next day. I was genuinely bright but my grades fell off a cliff as soon as i started working. I had money, access to booze and lots of older boyfriends.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 30/08/2020 20:12

Had a more amicable divorce.

Upherefordancing · 30/08/2020 20:13

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander I'm so very sorry that happened to you - that's absolutely shocking Flowers

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/08/2020 20:18

Not made me feel like my existence was a huge inconvenience to them.

PolloDePrimavera · 30/08/2020 20:19

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

I'm so sorry too. Did they believe you later? Thanks

pastaparadise · 30/08/2020 20:20

I am very fortunate to have had great parents and a lovely childhood. I really always felt loved. There are some things that I think might have helped me e.g. being made to think more about a career/ future earnings, being pushed a bit more to do things that I felt worried about e.g. joining clubs, trying new things. But I'm not convinced whether this would have helped me - maybe they did gently advise re career and I just didn't take it in, or maybe if they'd pushed me I would have got really upset and anxious and now be saying 'i wish they'd not been so pushy.

Tbh the only thing I really wish is that they'd been younger when they had kids - they were mid 30s when they had me and I was embarrassed about it growing up, and have had a terminally ill parent to worry about since I was 25 (now 43). Also meant they haven't really been able to be the grandparents I know they would have loved to be. Sadly I had kids late too so am likely to put my kids through the same Sad

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 30/08/2020 20:25

Thanks for all the flowers etc. No they never believed me. We haven't talked about it for a long time. There is no point any more. My brother moved abroad and I haven't seen him for 15 years.

JenniferSantoro · 30/08/2020 20:27

I wish my dad and step mum hadn’t physically and emotionally abused me and my brother. I was terrified of them. Life was miserable and I hated them. We’ve never forgiven them and neither of us see them any more.
@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander
@PatriciaPerch I’m sorry you had a tough time.

KingCatMeowInSpace · 30/08/2020 20:30

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

Thanks for all the flowers etc. No they never believed me. We haven't talked about it for a long time. There is no point any more. My brother moved abroad and I haven't seen him for 15 years.
That's so terrible- I'm so sad that happened
Lifeisabeach09 · 30/08/2020 20:34

Buy and keep property. They'd be loaded now.

Napqueen1234 · 30/08/2020 20:35

Nothing compared to some of these posts I’m so sorry @TheFormerPorpentinaScamander.

My parents were great growing up but I feel like they really pushed the ‘if you work hard you can do anything you want to’ narrative and it’s been quite unhelpful. My sister always wanted to get into theatre and after years of pursuing this incredibly difficult competitive field (despite being hugely talented) She’s given it up for something more realistic. Likewise I see the fact that we are living in a very modest house on fairly low incomes as a reflection on us not working or trying hard enough and often feel my parents think that. They were very wealthy with a lovely house and none of us (4 kids) are anywhere near as well off.

CerealBeacon · 30/08/2020 20:36

That they'd had considerably fewer children, and that they had made more effort to house and clothe the ones they had adequately. Some help with homework would have been nice in primary school, and later on, not to try to persuade me to leave school at fifteen in case people thought we were getting above ourselves, and that university was 'only for rich people'. They had no idea, really, and in fact I got there myself, but it would have been nice to have been able to do things without my parents' continual refrain of 'Oh, you'd better not try, it won't come off and you'll only be disappointed' and 'X isn't for the likes of us.'

EstuaryBird · 30/08/2020 20:37

I wish my mother hadn’t been so obsessed with my weight and put me on a ridiculous diet at age 11 which started the yo-yo dieting I’ve had all my life.

I wish my Dad hadn’t died when I was 20, just as we were becoming really good mates.

Rosebel · 30/08/2020 20:40

I wish my dad hadn't made it so obvious my sister was his favourite but apart from that they were really good parents.

Sailingblue · 30/08/2020 20:40

Tried to push me and themselves a bit more. They were both happy to just stay at home and not really do anything. My mum’s outlook was very small and is even smaller now. They have aged before their time and do bugger all in retirement. There was always a reason not to fo something, we never went on holiday, I didn’t really do any school clubs. Both my sister and I are now quite pushy parents and have perhaps swung the other way in terms of days out and activities for our children.

AmyandPhilipfan · 30/08/2020 20:49

My parents were really very good and I am grateful for the upbringing I had.

If I had to choose, I would say I would have liked them to push me a bit more into exercise. I got a bit chubby as a teenager and never lost it (and put lots more weight on) but I was never really encouraged to be particularly active which I think would have helped a lot.

Also, years after the fact, my mum told me that she’d asked my brother if he wanted to go to a posh private school for his A Levels (we did local state primary and secondary). I asked why she hadn’t asked me and she said she knew I was happy going up to sixth form with friends. I hated the massive state sixth form everyone in my area went to and would have been much happier going to a smaller, traditional more school like environment. That’s the only time my brother and I have ever really been treated differently in an unfair way but it does rankle. He said no so I think she just forgot about it. He went to state sixth form so therefore I did too. But I would have said yes.

Dinosaurpooped · 30/08/2020 20:50

I wish I felt loved, wanted, listened to and part of a team.
I never realised how crap my childhood was until I became a parent myself. It has made me strive to be different.

Spiderseason · 30/08/2020 20:52

Pasta, mid 30 s🙄

Most parents are mid 30s!!

Goodness mines were far older!
At our school, I'm like a young mum and I had mine early 30.

Phineyj · 30/08/2020 20:59

My parents were/are pretty decent compared to some of the upsetting descriptions here (Flowers to all who have suffered) but I would have liked them to have actually listened to what we said carefully once in a while. They are nice enough people but sooo self-centred and my sister is the same. They also had no idea how to deal with sibling conflict and in retrospect, glossed over some significant social and mental health issues my sister had, with consequences that have continued into her adult life.

I realised as an adult though that they had had pretty difficult parents themselves so had no real role models.

I'm no great shakes as a parent but I do try to listen carefully and take DD's worries seriously. And I tell her I love her and I know the names of her friends!

Phineyj · 30/08/2020 21:02

That's very insightful, @Dinosaurpooped 'part of a team'. Yes! My family never felt like that. That's a good thing to aim at.

PutTheBathOnPlease · 30/08/2020 21:12

Acknowledged the losses in their lives and spoken openly about them. They are both incredibly repressed, and it has taken me until me mid-40s to realise how fucked up they are and possibly why. For my mum this was the loss of her biological parents (was adopted at three months old), my dad the death of his 3 year old sister when he was 7, and for both of them the first pregnancy miscarried. None of this was ever allowed to be spoken about, in the hope that that would make it go away or not upset anyone.
When I had a life changing illness two years ago they pretty much pretended it wasn’t happening, presumably because it (and the potential outcome) provoked so much anxiety. I can’t discuss anything emotional with them at all, but fortunately I married my soul mate 18 years ago and he has shown me how to love others and speak about painful things.
Rant over, thanks for reading, needed to get that unpacked 😂