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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have a home that NO one visits - even in non pandemic times?

138 replies

SueEllenofDallas · 30/08/2020 11:14

We live approx 2 hrs away - in different directions - from both our families. We were always expected to visit them more often because we were the ones who moved away which we didn't mind but over the years their visits to us have dwindled to nothing. I'm not talking about frail parents but very active retirees and our siblings.

We don't have "couple" friends anymore, they just drifted away as our DC and theirs got older and filled their weekends with activities.

So I go out for dog walks/coffees with friends, DH meets friends at the pub once or twice a month but no one comes here and I've just realised how weird that feels.

Anyone else have a house that receives no visitors?

OP posts:
KilljoysDutch · 30/08/2020 14:55

Yeah, Can't remember the last time anyone else was here think it was before April. MIL and FIL live 2 miles away and MIL is in the town 5 minutes walk from us every single week but they never visit. My Mum is 90 miles away but travels constantly for historical reenactment stuff and has never visited our house - we've been here 6 years now. We don't have friends mostly due to my poor MH.

Sometimes it really hurts with the family not visiting because it makes me feel like there's obviously something wrong with us or our home to stop them coming here.

JenniferSantoro · 30/08/2020 14:56

I’ve been married 25 years and my parents have never just called in or asked to come and visit. It’s always me making the effort. It really pisses me off.

IHeartSusanDey · 30/08/2020 14:58

I can't stand visitors in my house. So we don't have them, Lots of people coming sounds like hell on earth...luckily my DH feels exactly the same way. I'm not sure why we feel the way we do.

steakhousesally · 30/08/2020 14:58

@butterpuffed

This thread has really shocked me...I find it sad that many in here don't have visitors and the fact that they are quite happy for it to be like that. Sad
It's not a matter of having a choice, who would I invite ? It's irrelevant if I'm happy about it or not
wigglerose · 30/08/2020 15:06

My PIL have this. FIL's BIL has never visited despite being asked repeatedly. PIL go over to FIL's BIL for lunch and invite FIL's BIL and SIL, but they always want to meet at a cafe/restaurant instead.

willieversleep · 30/08/2020 15:15

We are the same. Rarely do people make the effort to come to us. The comment regarding it being easier for us to come to them is true... it's easier for them if I come to them.

pussycatinboots · 30/08/2020 15:36

No visitors here. I'm quite happy with that actually. I always have and do prefer to meet up on neutral ground iyswim.

catherinep80 · 30/08/2020 15:48

We're in the same situation - hours away from each side of the family and we do most of the visiting these days. Our family dynamic has changed a lot over recent years though. My sister used to visit lots when she was single but she's married and has a career now so can't get away so much. My brother has a new baby. My parents are carers for my elderly grandmother and my dad's not so confident driving long distances anymore.

I don't like my husbands family visiting because even though I like them (for the most part) they treat it like a free holiday and expect to be taken on outings, meals etc. that WE pay for. It's actually cheaper for us to visit them (despite the fact that we have to pay for flights etc.)

These days we all make an effort to get together at my parents (who have a huge house and can easily house us all) at times like Christmas, Easter, important birthdays/anniversaries etc. It's just easier that way now and I'm okay with it. The only people I have round the house are local friends and mostly only on invite.

mammmamia · 30/08/2020 15:49

I can understand people not wanting to socialise much but I can’t understand posters who say oh I don’t want anyone in my house, I’d have to tidy up so I’d rather go to other people’s! Don’t you think they have to tidy up too? And feed / host you? And you never think it would be nice to reciprocate. Hmm
Obviously that’s different to what the OP is asking.

lowlandLucky · 30/08/2020 15:54

For many years i lived sometimes hundreds sometimes thousands of miles away from family, my parents and ex husbands parents lived 600 hundred miles apart so every time we came back to the U.K we spent our holiday visiting family, nobody came to visit us. I always told them the distance from my house to theirs was the same as the distance from theirs to mine but seemingly it was not. Now i live within a 20 minute drive they still expect me to do the visitingso i don't bother.

leolion1 · 30/08/2020 15:56

This thread title made me chuckle Grin sums up my house! I like it that way though.

MandyGalbandi · 30/08/2020 16:04

We are the same. It didn't start off this way but it is how it has ended up. I'm a bit embarrassed about our house because we have some work that needs doing (big expensive work) which means we can't decorate until it's done. We also have a dog who hates baths and generally smells. I've got into the habit of not having people.over. our families are also at a distance and we use the excuse that the house isn't big enough. We all get a bit twitchy when people.come round now, can't wait for them to go...

TorgosPizza · 30/08/2020 16:05

It's rare we have guests at our home, and honestly, I prefer it that way. I find hosting a lot of work, and it's stressful.

In the past, we've hosted family for a week or two at a time (long-distance visits), and we sometimes invite people for a meal and a chat, but everyone's lives have gotten more complicated over the past several years (health problems, restrictive diets, less free time due to work, etc.), so it's become a rarity that I work up the enthusiasm to invite anyone over.

There are a few family members I'd be happy to host more often, in an ideal world, but life always seems to get in the way. Maybe that will change, eventually. I'ts not a big worry for me, at the moment.

Muggly · 30/08/2020 17:06

Never, out of choice, hate visitors around. We live somewhere remotely so doesn't really come up now.

imnotimportant · 30/08/2020 17:21

Used to have a home combined with my business ( unrelated to hospitality of any sort ) and was constantly overcrowded by all and everyone constantly dropping in and I thought I would be lonely without that , huh sold up and moved away never looked back ! Peace and quiet with virtually no visitors , lovely !

cardibach · 30/08/2020 17:31

@steakhousesally is your problem that you have struggled to make friends where you are and have no family then?

steakhousesally · 30/08/2020 17:39

[quote cardibach]@steakhousesally is your problem that you have struggled to make friends where you are and have no family then?[/quote]
I don't have any family in this country, we are a small family anyway and my relatives emigrated. As a single parent I've had other priorities, it's been my choice though.

Tappering · 30/08/2020 17:40

Yes, but TBF we rarely invite people. I'm a bit funny about my house - I like it as a private space to retreat to. I almost always meet people outside of my home, as it gives me a sanctuary to come back to - whereas if someone's here I can sometimes feel like a bit of a hostage if I've had enough and they aren't ready to leave.

I realise the above probably sounds horribly rude and anti-social! It's really difficult to explain - I love seeing friends and being sociable, but I feel so much more comfortable doing it somewhere else. There normally comes a time when I've had enough and I want to go home, not talk to anyone and not have to be 'on'. A good friend of mine is very similar, so we happily meet up for dinner and drinks - and then message each other when we're home to say how nice it is to be back Grin

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 30/08/2020 17:42

Me and dh are nc with our dps. Except dc's friends nobody has been here in over 5 years!
Except 2 teachers for dc's home visit pre nursery!
Same at old address and the one before that!

Theladyofshalot · 30/08/2020 17:52

I have a drive, live near a large city and a short walk to a major transport hub. Oddly found i would have visitors regularly just before Christmas, sales or large events.

It took me a while to realise I was being used, not in a malicious way but more in a off hand oooh while we are going to X we can stay over and catch up with LadyS too! park the car and get the train in.

When we were having building work done and we didn't have space for quite some time I suddenly realised that not a soul visited. No pop in for a coffee, not evening over for dinner - nothing.

Recently when friends have called and casually asked if building work is still ongoing (which it is, just not in the spare room) I have said yes but I will happily meet them out and about for them to say that that's not convenient, another time maybe......

So I've not had people visit for some time and I'm actually quite pleased that its the case. It was expensive, time-consuming and never extended to me in return.

scoobydoo1971 · 30/08/2020 17:55

I don't have any friends locally and my mother who lives locally never visits as she is not interested (prefers us to go to her). My children have their friends over from time to time, and I don't mind that. I hate having adults in my house though. My dog doesn't respond too well to guests over the age of 18...he loves kids though! I have a number of rescue cats who also get upset by guests. I think I am naturally a hermit/ loner and would prefer to spend my time on hobbies, rather than entertaining others. The neighbours are always shouting loudly in the street about my absence of a social life and calling me rude names...I reckon its their problem or insecurity, not mine. Imagine having so much spare time that you keep a survey on the comings and goings of other households. I don't mind socialising per se, and like to see people over dinner in a restaurant or pub...just love keeping the inner sanctum of our house for me, my kids and the fur-babies.

LillianBland · 30/08/2020 18:10

[quote RoseMartha]@LillianBland
13 but has asd which might have bearing on it as only sees black or white in situations. It is one of the milder things she has said to me in a tone of contempt regarding my financial situation. Brings it up in conversation most days.

Fuelled possibly because my exh said in a cruel tone before he left that I will not be able to manage financially without him. He said this in front of the dc.

I have however managed without him living with us. Obviously it is fairly tight money wise though.[/quote]
Aww. I understand about the asd. That combined with a dickhead ex, can make for difficulties. I hope things improve for you.

TildaKauskumholm · 30/08/2020 18:15

We rarely have visitors. I have little family, and the in-laws don't like the horrible drive from us to them. We haved moved around a lot so our friends are far flung.

Slippy78 · 30/08/2020 18:16

Yep. I haven't had a single visitor in the 3 years I've been in my current place.

heidbuttsupper · 30/08/2020 18:23

Yes me. I live 3 hours away from friends & family. It suits me though

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