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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have a home that NO one visits - even in non pandemic times?

138 replies

SueEllenofDallas · 30/08/2020 11:14

We live approx 2 hrs away - in different directions - from both our families. We were always expected to visit them more often because we were the ones who moved away which we didn't mind but over the years their visits to us have dwindled to nothing. I'm not talking about frail parents but very active retirees and our siblings.

We don't have "couple" friends anymore, they just drifted away as our DC and theirs got older and filled their weekends with activities.

So I go out for dog walks/coffees with friends, DH meets friends at the pub once or twice a month but no one comes here and I've just realised how weird that feels.

Anyone else have a house that receives no visitors?

OP posts:
LillianBland · 30/08/2020 13:40

@Franklyfrost

I regularly have other people over. Otherwise the house would be a tip Grin
I swear my sil and her husband only ever seem to turn up when the house is a tip! It could be spotless all month, but I let things slide and they’re sure to turn up when the laundry is piled up, the kitchen worktop is covered in dishes, because I’ve just batch cooked and one of my guest dogs has decided to shite in the mud room! 😳 I’m convinced she thinks we constantly live in a dump.
WombatChocolate · 30/08/2020 13:45

With family, you just have to say 'oh we'd really like to host you this time. We've travelled to you and enjoyed your hospitality loads. It's definitely our turn'

And be a bit firm. 'Like I said, we'd really like it if you come to us as well as us visiting you'

Houses feel welcoming to visitors I think, if you're not too precious and tidy. Or

cardibach · 30/08/2020 13:46

@GisAFag

Never have people over, I go to them. Kids go and see friends. I hate others in my home even the yearly boiler check person irritates me being here. Then people use the loo and then I have clean it. No thanks.
I realise we are all different, but I find this really difficult to understand. It’s not just GisAFag, others have said similar. I don’t get why people would be more annoying in your house than anywhere else, or are you saying you don’t like socialising at all? No, I see not. You’re happy to go to other people. This seems...selfish? And as for the toilet thing, why on earth would a toilet need a special clean because o different bottom has been in it? Are your friends particularly diseased? Or if it’s cleaning after alien wee, why does that bother you? I’ve always found the MN thing about people not being able to drop in , or even ring you without an arrangement, odd. Is this what it has lead to? People unwilling to have anyone round ever? I find it very sad.
amusedbush · 30/08/2020 13:47

I hate having guests over. DH and I lived in our flat for six years and the only other person who ever saw it was my dad, the day he helped my move my stuff in.

We moved into a house in February and the pandemic has kept everyone away, but we've not finished renovating it so that's another handy excuse.

Thankfully my family all live close together in another city so it's genuinely easier for me to go there and see them. We either meet at my parents' house or we meet in town and go out for a meal.

I've never seen any of my friends' houses either - we always meet for coffee/drinks/dinner after work.

WombatChocolate · 30/08/2020 13:48

Oh and people like to visit houses where they feel relaxed and that their visit isn't a huge big deal....so you haven't excessively prepared/cleaned or planned.....especially if it's just a low key short visit.

Being friendly and making people feel that you're leased to see them and interested in them is more important than you've cleaned the house to within an inch of its life. Making sure everyone feels welcome amd comfortable (including children too) is important and not so easy when people are not at certain stages of life.

Stephenfrylust · 30/08/2020 13:49

We regularly have people over, generally kids friends and parents for playdates. We have a nice openplan downstairs and kiddy friendly garden which lends itself to us hosting. I find it exhausting though. I'm naturally messy and deep clean before any visitors. The one benefit of lockdown was giving no fucks over how clean/tidy the house was!

Having the in laws stay last Xmas whilst we hosted was bloody hard work too. I had to work throughout Xmas and felt I didn't stop cleaning, tidying, cooking, emptying the dishwasher etc. It's different if everyone mucks in

D4rwin · 30/08/2020 13:50

Yes. But I am increasingly OK with it.

CoronaBollox · 30/08/2020 13:50

I have visitors over approx 4 times a week. A good friend on a Saturday and my DD (3) has her friends over approx 3 times. Me and the DMs sit and have a coffee while they play.

It's too much sometimes and will lessen once both are at pre school. On the plus side my house is always clean, if I dont have people coming over I am a right lazy cow.

WombatChocolate · 30/08/2020 13:52

Some people prefer nit have visitors and certainly not impromptu ones...all fine. But if you've got into a position where no one visits and you don't like it, be intentional about changing it and set some simple goals.....1 person in for coffee each fortnight. Then when that feels okay, a couple of people. Then when that's okay, someone for lunch. You might then feel you can invite a couple or a couple of friends for a takeaway or a meal. Having children over to play with yours is an easy way into having people round. And you'll find you get invitations back and it can quickly feel quite normal.

Dazedandconfused10 · 30/08/2020 13:53

I never have people over. I like going places so I ca dictate when I leave, thats harder when you have people round. My home is my space and I dont want to share it with anyone else

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 30/08/2020 13:53

Very rarely. We don't have tons of friends and when I do meet friends it tends to be out and about, I prefer it that way. We have the odd dinner party. Kids used to have playdates but not since corona.

cardibach · 30/08/2020 13:59

Some people prefer nit have visitors and certainly not impromptu ones...all fine
@WombatChocolate I don’t think it is fine if they are grappa to go to other people’s houses. Hosting is an effort and expense even if you enjoy it (I do - but you still have the mental load of what’s needed and the cost even if it’s only coffees and a few biscuits) and nobody should constantly take this hospitality and never return it.

VintageStitchers · 30/08/2020 13:59

I love having visitors drop by and I don’t worry if the house is a tip, that’s not important. Although I do have a friend that sometimes pops in about 10pm in the evening, which I think is getting a bit too late, but she’s always very entertaining so that kinda makes up for it.

We moved abroad so have no family over here so we’ve had to put in the effort to make new friends, but I’m a friendly sort anyway.

OP, do you actually invite people to casually drop in or do you prefer lots of notice so that you can faff about cleaning and tidying? My house always looks lived in, so a normal level of untidiness but friends just want a cuppa and a chat. They really don’t care whether you’ve got cluttered worktops or a sink full of pots. I don’t do formal dinner parties but I like relaxed drinks and food in the garden type gatherings.

ElanaD · 30/08/2020 14:00

We invite people over all the time .. usually have people in 2 or 3 times a week. We have 3 kids and tons of space and toys so sometimes it just makes sense to hang out here since we have lots of room for everyone. I don't love the mess after but it's not the end of the world.

steakhousesally · 30/08/2020 14:01

@DDIJ

My mum won't allow me to have visitors and I won't allow my mum in the house so no, no visitors. I think having people over helps you to take pride in your home. Obviously being unable to reciprocate prevents us from being able to accept invitations too.
What business is it of your mother if she doesn't live there?
sobeyondthehills · 30/08/2020 14:01

Nop, we live in a tiny flat with 5 seats and there are 3 of us.

No dinner table either, so can't have people over for a meal.

MitziK · 30/08/2020 14:03

Got one couple/friends who we are more than happy to welcome here at any time. But the DH is extremely high risk and they don't want to take the chance of killing him, seeing as he both work in different areas of education with hundreds of people potentially in contact for extended periods. Means we can't go to them either, which we would every few weeks normally.

When DP's mother and sister asked to stay for a couple of nights before Christmas coinciding with both parents evenings, I was horrified. Lovely people, but I can barely manage speech after a normal day, never mind two 16 hour days. They only stayed because it was cheaper for Christmas shopping anyhow, so I got away with 45minutes pleasantries on the night they arrived and twenty minutes on the second evening because I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Hadjab · 30/08/2020 14:03

@cardibach this whole thread has made me sad/annoyed in equal measure for those exact reasons...

girlicorne · 30/08/2020 14:04

I hate visitors, we never have anyone round either. The kids have their friends round but I don’t like socialising. I don’t have many local friends and those I do we tend to meet in the pub or outside with the kids.

justasking111 · 30/08/2020 14:05

We all live in the same village. Two DS both married now with kids who all prefer their own beds, ditto friends. Our only visitor is third DS at uni. whose girlfriend stays with us now and again.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 14:06

I understand why this is weird op, we are very sociable and host often, we had guests last night.

Why don’t you invite some of your friends over? Dinner or drinks? With their partners?

Many folks don’t have people visit through choice or necessity as you can see from this thread, but your post feels different, like you’d like to.

So invite folks. And by folks I mean friends. People won’t come if you don’t invite them.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 14:08

@DDIJ

My mum won't allow me to have visitors and I won't allow my mum in the house so no, no visitors. I think having people over helps you to take pride in your home. Obviously being unable to reciprocate prevents us from being able to accept invitations too.
Who is “us” in this please?
monkeyonthetable · 30/08/2020 14:08

Pretty much, yes. Used to be the opposite - we were the ones who always hosted family as we were mid way between them all. But then half the family moved to the same area so we go there now instead. used to host loads of dinner parties and parties too which always went well but rarely got invited back so stopped making much effort. DC's friends used to come round occasionally but now DC meet them in town and hang out at their friends' homes more (we live quite rurally.)

I miss the conviviality. I even sort of miss the excuse for a deep clean. The house has a bit of a tired look to it now and I think that's because it's only ever just us.

sage46 · 30/08/2020 14:12

When I lived in our local town I counted 22 visitors in one day ,not all at the same time though. (not counting children). Friends and family using my house as a kind of 'waiting room' until it was time for them to shop, work, go to appointments etc. I should have started charging for tea and coffeee! We moved and live rurally now and guess what no where near so many visitors.

Pesimistic · 30/08/2020 14:14

Very rare that anyone comes to my house, I guess prob 3 times a year we will have people round or visit. I'm always expected to travel to see people