Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Do you have a home that NO one visits - even in non pandemic times?

138 replies

SueEllenofDallas · 30/08/2020 11:14

We live approx 2 hrs away - in different directions - from both our families. We were always expected to visit them more often because we were the ones who moved away which we didn't mind but over the years their visits to us have dwindled to nothing. I'm not talking about frail parents but very active retirees and our siblings.

We don't have "couple" friends anymore, they just drifted away as our DC and theirs got older and filled their weekends with activities.

So I go out for dog walks/coffees with friends, DH meets friends at the pub once or twice a month but no one comes here and I've just realised how weird that feels.

Anyone else have a house that receives no visitors?

OP posts:

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 30/08/2020 13:04

I have close family members who live about 4/5 hour drive away who I saw regularly they came to us perhaps more than I went to them, until one night they made it clear they were getting annoyed at doing all the travel so I changed and made a lot more effort to go to them. It’s much more equal now. Maybe just speak to them?

NastyBlouse · 30/08/2020 13:06

Same, we don't have visitors. A few reasons for this: we live in (relatively) central London (my parents don't like trains and they won't drive into or through London), we don't have the space to put people up overnight, and DH's and my families are all 5+ hours away. One of my brothers is closer, but they have very young children and don't travel for that reason (too much hassle for them).

We have friends over occasionally but it's rare. I do invite people but we also happen to have fallen in with two or three couples who 'like to host' so 9 times out of 10 they'll insist that we go to them.

The last person who set foot in our flat, besides DH and I, was a washing machine repair woman and that was in early April!

I'm quite happy with it though. I don't like the hassle of entertaining people and we don't have the room anyway. I don't especially enjoy staying in other people's houses overnight either; would always much rather get a nearby hotel.

BigPlanes · 30/08/2020 13:07

We have the house everyone visits, all the time. We have guests rooms, guest kiddie equipment, etc. Lockdown showed me though that a lot of our family energy goes in to hosting and it was so lovely to just have it just us for a while!

Jeezoh · 30/08/2020 13:09

@SueEllenofDallas

Family - yes but increasingly they say "it's so much easier for you to come to us!"

It isn't

Not having a pity party, just wondering if anyone else in the same boat.

I’d reply “it’s the same distance for you to come to us as it is for us to come to you”

hammeringinmyhead · 30/08/2020 13:12

I have a long distance friend to stay maybe once a year. In-laws live 3 hours away and mine 5. In laws have a second home here so any family stays there. That's it! I hope DS will have friends round when older as he has a decent playroom they could use.

DDIJ · 30/08/2020 13:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

speakout · 30/08/2020 13:14

I rarely have visitors- by choice.

Bargebill19 · 30/08/2020 13:15

Yes and it’s staying that way.

Thisyearcandoone · 30/08/2020 13:16

I'd love to be visitor free, feels me with dread having people in my house.

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 13:20

I am the same it fills me with dread, my childhood was dominated by regular pilgrimages that my parents made to their parents, I hated it and now I refuse to let people steal my weekends from me ....or any of my free time I like to spend most of it alone doing my thing

Friendsoftheearth · 30/08/2020 13:22

I feel quite envious of all your posts. I do have friends over a lot, and I so much prefer going out so it is a major effort. Mainly because I have to clean before they come and when they leave, I am a terrible cook so always feel anxious about it going wrong and the responsibility of ensuring everyone has a great time in my home does not come naturally to me. That said I love a garden party and christmas all and sundry are welcome and the house is full. I don't mind halloween parties either. Dc have friends over all the time too.

I am a hermit at heart I suspect and would hibernate from Sep to March if I could - bar christmas. I am awe of the people that never 'do'' visitors and wonder how they get away with it with their friends etc?!

Op, I would struggle to make the effort if no one ever comes to see you. I would not keep going to them, maybe once a year at christmas and if they want to see you - well they know where to find you. All relationships should have an element of equality and effort, otherwise it can cause resentment.

Scarby9 · 30/08/2020 13:23

To quote my aunt, 'It's not as far for you to come to is than for us to come to you.'
You what?

TitsOutForHarambe · 30/08/2020 13:24

I have people over but I have young children so I would have no social life after 5pm if I didn't have people round. I expect as the kids get older we will be in the same boat as you OP. I don't think it's that weird.

ChicCroissant · 30/08/2020 13:28

No family visits to us, only one family member from each side has ever been here.

We all live apart, but even when they are nearby they never call in. We spend a fortune (or more accurately, have saved a fortune over lockdown!) on hotel bills to see people.

I am really pissed off about it, and if it wasn't for my DD I wouldn't bother but she misses her wider family and thankfully hasn't noticed that they never bother with us.

ThatDamnScientist · 30/08/2020 13:29

yes, and I like it. In my head I imagine all these cool dinner parties/drinks get togethers but I have a tiny house and two kids with additional needs so any playdates or anything involves me being stressed to the hilt at home - if one is having a meltdown, I can't excuse ourselves etc like I could at someone else's house.

I do enjoy going to other peoples houses, preferable sans kids...

I do enjoy my in-laws visiting though - they live too far away so doesn't happen often enough but they get that the kids will invariably have a meltdown, refuse to talk, etc they just accept it - we have nice meals (with kids or kids eating elsewhere in the house if that is what the kids want) and intelligent and interesting conversation. They are my favourite visitors.

ThisIsMeOrIsIt · 30/08/2020 13:33

Yes, we have always had this. Lived together in various flats for the first 10 years of our relationship, around 2.5 - 3.5 hours drive from our families. My parents came to visit a handful of times, as did DH's dad (can count on both hands, so maybe one visit a year average).

None of our siblings or DH's mum ever set foot in our homes in those 10 years.

We visited both families every Christmas, Easter and Summer, and often half-term holidays too. Once the excuse given was that it was too far to bring a small child. Then they took said child on a transatlantic flight. I stopped inviting them after that.

We have ended up moving closer to both families and have a child now. While visits are still sporadic, we have seen them more in the last three years than in the whole of the previous 10. Although the number of visits we make to them compared to how many times they come here is still probably a ratio of 2:1, maybe even 3:1.

I would love a home where we had visitors every week or so. But our families just don't seem that interested in making the effort. It makes me so sad, especially as we still haven't made many friends since moving, so we often feel lonely.

Not much we can do, we just try and accept it.

shepherdessbush · 30/08/2020 13:34

We are the house that everyone likes to come to. "Ooh you have more space than us". To be honest I'm starting to resent it. Love having friends over but every single occasion now it is a given that I am hosting. People think that if they bring a bottle or a pavlova that that evens things out, but it really doesn't. A big family gathering can take days of preparation around my working day and the clean up the same.

For those that say they prefer to do the visiting, do you not consider that that could mean you are veering onto CF territory?

Franklyfrost · 30/08/2020 13:35

I regularly have other people over. Otherwise the house would be a tip

Lightline · 30/08/2020 13:35

I’m the same I always tend to go to my Mum’s or sisters house. One of my brothers comes over a lot but when my sister or mum come they are always rushed it’s always ‘I can’t stay long’. With my sister it’s because she has an eating disorder and likes to keep busy to avoid being hungry and doesn’t want to be at someone’s house at a meal time. My mum is just difficult in general. I suspect your family have got used to you making all the effort

alfrew · 30/08/2020 13:37

I told DH that we would stop all entertaining if he refused to help out. Not only did he never lift a finger, he would often decide to have a bath when visitors were due to arrive.

So....in spite of him being a very sociable type, he would rather see no one than move his extremely entitled backside.

No visitors for years now, and I've told the ILs why.

LillianBland · 30/08/2020 13:37

@DDIJ

My mum won't allow me to have visitors and I won't allow my mum in the house so no, no visitors. I think having people over helps you to take pride in your home. Obviously being unable to reciprocate prevents us from being able to accept invitations too.

Sorry, but I’m trying to understand this. What do you mean, your mum won’t allow you to have visitors and you won’t allow her in the house?

vanillandhoney · 30/08/2020 13:37

I've lived here for two and a half years and my dad has never once visited - he's never even been to the town I live in

We don't have many visitors but that's fine. I like our house being our little haven away from the world. I visit the in-laws a couple of times a week and see my parents once a month or so (they live a bit further away).

opinionatedfreak · 30/08/2020 13:39

I Love to host but live in central london and people seem to prefer to go out for dinner than let me cook (I don’t think they are avoiding my food - I’m a pretty reliable cook).

Also lots of my friends are at that awkward stage with small children where travelling to me is difficult. Once their kids are teens I expect them, to be able to come to me again.

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 30/08/2020 13:39

Those who are saying you'd rather go to other people's houses than have them in your home - my SIL is like this and I think bloody rude!

It's an effort for anyone to host, if you're happy to go to others you should be happy to return the favour.

Mintjulia · 30/08/2020 13:40

I have local friends who drop in for a coffee.

And my house is half way between one half of my family and the other, so I tend to get people in transit, especially if the weather is bad or the motorway is blocked.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread