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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How many 'great' child free years did you get before becoming a parent?

156 replies

CheesyGhost · 30/08/2020 07:03

I mean the years where you were thoroughly enjoying adult life, doing whatever you wanted (obviously within reason) with very few responsibilities. Be that travelling, having a great social life, being a cosy hermit with Netflix, focusing 100% on your career; whatever total freedom meant for you; how many years did you have before becoming parent. And what made you feel you were ready to give up those freedoms to have children?
I didn't like my university experience sadly and saw it as an extension of something to endure like school to reach a better side and it did work, but it means I count these 'great' years from after finishing university.

DH and I do want children but are enjoying life right now and want to feel we've made the most of it before we start our family. I'm not saying that having a family is not wonderful in itself; clearly it is and we do want that, I'm just very aware that it's a very different kind of wonderful and we need to be prepared to say goodbye to this part of our lives for now at least when we decide to start trying.

OP posts:

Lightsabre · 30/08/2020 09:54

About 18 years - had one and only ds at 39. Lots and lots of travelling and fun. I'm so glad I did that now as it'll be another few years before ds flies the nest and I'm feeling my age - have slowed down, put on weight etc. Travelling experiences will be different because of this and won't be so carefree and wild. Have fun while you're young - you won't regret it!

Redcups64 · 30/08/2020 09:55

Wonder how the responses would be years from for the next generation? I already know quite a few younger people who are still living at home with parents at 28 years old. I wouldn’t say they are having the time of their lives, instead scraping money together to buy a house and some still even single. I think in future people will be having kids a lot later without the chance to have a wonderful youth due to high living costs.

Hippocampe · 30/08/2020 10:07

Hmmm, I wouldn't say I ever had huge amounts of complete stress free living. Met dp at 16, started saving for a house and working full time from 18 pretty much, moved in together at 21, brought our first house at 23, then had dc1 at 27 and dc2 at 29. So maybe 4 years?! But it was never complete freedom as we'd acquired pets and a hefty mortgage by then! Wouldn't change it for the world though, and don't feel having kids has taken away freedom as such as we're financially stable enough to be able to travel and enjoy life alongside having children. Obviously once they're at school it restricts you more, but those years with toddlers/preschoolers were great as we'd pack up our bags and did a lot of sightseeing and exploring the world with our babies in tow. Will look back on those years far more fondly than our pre children days.

PopsicleHustler · 30/08/2020 10:09

I had my first child at 20 and didn't have my second until I was 25. To be honest, I enjoyed more time with my son and husband than I did as a single girl. I was working through my teens and met my husband in late teens. I have been a mother for 13 years now and wouldn't change it for the world. I still get time for my self and time for my man. I'm happy that I had children early and I am currently expecting number 5 at 33 and still have time for bubble baths, long hot soak and relax and watch a movie, just hubby and I.
There are people who have decided to have children in their 30s so they could travel and have fun in their 20s. I have 4 kids presently and still have fun. Hubby and I are still achieving our dreams whilst having and growing a family.

ShaNaNaNaNa · 30/08/2020 10:11

I was 27 when I had my first. Right up until then I’d been living a wonderful, pretty carefree young lifestyle. I had a good career I loved, a great and pretty raucous social life, I was travelling loads, me and DH had been together for 3 years and were basically each other’s partners in crime. We were still very much party animals, in fact. So, I really didn’t miss out on any ‘fun’. And the fun didn’t completely stop when our first child was born, to be honest. In fact, we travelled loads when we just had one baby and I still had a ‘young mindset’, so was still very much up for adventure!

With the benefit of hindsight and in a perfect world, we probably could have done with a couple of years of nesting, Netflix and calm domesticity together as a couple before unleashing the chaos of children on our lives . We pretty much went straight from a (poorer version of ) the ‘Primrose Hill Set’ way of life to 2.4 kids with nothing in between.

But...oh well! Life isn’t perfect. 20 years later we are still together, kids are teens, it’s all good.

joeysapple · 30/08/2020 10:16

Probably 2, I was pregnant at 18 but had a lot of fun 16-18.

I plan to live my 20's in my 40's when DS is an adult hopefully by then my mortgage will be paid off, freeing up more money for travel and leisure.

pandarific · 30/08/2020 10:16

Interesting question - I was varyingly unhappy due to career choices from about 25-31, which seems a bit of a shame. I mean there were good times too of course, but I couldn't say 'ooh it was glorious' until I was 31 and then I had ds at 34.5, so...

I'm pretty happy overall though I have to say.

crosser62 · 30/08/2020 10:19

Loads!
I was 33 then 43 when I had my kids, had an AWSOME life prior to that.
I’m absolutely devastated for my niece who has got pregnant when 16, she will be 17 when the baby arrives.
No education since she was 13, no money, absolutely no prospects, no life at all, can’t even make herself a sandwich or work a washing machine.
I grieve for her life & utter neglect. She will continue with no life, made 100% harder with a baby.
It’s such a sad waste of tremendous opportunity for the girl.

TheClitterati · 30/08/2020 10:38

About 20. I had dc at 40 & 43.

user1487194234 · 30/08/2020 11:32

About 9
Had DC1 at 31
Left Uni at 22 into financially rewarding job
So 9 years of several holidays a year,eating out all weekend,designer clothes and lovely cars
But wouldn't swap back 😄

ShandlersWig · 30/08/2020 11:52

20 years of doing exactly what I wanted. I think that's one of the reasons I found the adjustment to family life so difficult!

However, I had a blast, so never feel I 'missed out'.

lockdownalli · 30/08/2020 12:14

12 years - it was bloody great!!!

However, you do not mention your age OP.
Having seen dear friends struggle, I wouldn't leave it too late before trying if you and your DH really want children.

HelloMissus · 30/08/2020 12:16

I pretty much had a ball from 18-30 when I got pregnant.

Poptart4 · 30/08/2020 12:26

@Tumbleweed101

None - I got preg with my first at 21 and had him at 22. With hindsight I can’t believe how young I was! I hadn’t even really started to be an adult lol.

This is me exactly. Looking back I hadn't really "lived" before I had children.

Saying that I'd rather be a young mum than an older one. My children will be either teens or fully grown when I'm in my 40's, so I will have time then to do as I please and still have the benefits of family life. Cant imagine dealing with nappies and sleepless nights in my 40's.

MrsPerks · 30/08/2020 12:27

18 great years. Was 100% ready and equipped, and unequivocally wanted kids, before they came. No regrets.

Dollywilde · 30/08/2020 12:37

I’ve just had DD at 31. Struggled a little with mental health and building a career in my early 20s but loved housesharing, late nights and parties. Met DH when I was 23 and got my ‘career’ job at 24, then bought our first home/got engaged at 27, married at 29. Obviously there have been some stresses in life but the 8 years between 22 and getting pregnant at 30 were amazing. Really enjoyed pregnancy (although Covid meant it wasn’t quite what we had in mind!). Excited for the next bit, although I’m glad I didn’t read this a few days ago when I was in the midst of baby blues and wondering what the hell DH and I had done Feeling much more positive today and excited for the next stage

MrsR87 · 30/08/2020 12:56

About ten. I qualified in my career at the age of 22. I also don’t count my uni days as I literally had no money and so didn’t get the chance the live ‘freely’ until I started earning.

I’m 32 now and expecting my first child.

I feel like I lived the life I wanted in those ten years and this has ultimately made me feel ready for children. We had a lot of disposal income (in my opinion) so I’ve had the opportunity to fulfil my selfish whims like luxury holidays, buying nicer things for myself and my husband and buying our perfect house.

I’ve come to the point where spending money and treating myself doesn’t really do it for me anymore. It was nice for a while as I came from nothing and I enjoyed the freedom having disposable income gave me but I’m ready for the next part of my life now. I’m glad I had those years as I’ve made some amazing memories with my husband but now I know the time is right to start making different memories as a family.

HemlockStarglimmer · 30/08/2020 13:21

I was a late comer to parenthood.

zafferana · 30/08/2020 13:25

I had 15 of them - glorious! I worked abroad, travelled lots, did different jobs, went to gigs, parties, festivals, pubs, restaurants, bars, clubs - you name it. I am SO glad I did. When I see people on MN saying they can't wait to get pregnant and they're in their early 20s I think 'Nooooooo! Enjoy yourself while you can!', because once you're a parent, it's forever and you'll never be young enough and carefree enough to have that fun later on and besides, most of your friends will be tied down with DC by then so they won't be able to go out and have fun with you.

Stephenfrylust · 30/08/2020 13:34

About 12 years counting university. However I worked my arse off and saved lots for the future. It didn't feel particularly like I was living the high life but the freedom and opportunity was amazing when I look back after having children.

My decision to have children was based on me and DH both being at the right point in our careers. Had we had kids earlier it would have seriously limited our opportunities and been much harder financially.

I took a serious look at my life and what I wanted out of it prior to have children. This meant I'd done the things I wanted to e.g. travelled, worked abroad, gone to festivals etc and didn't feel I was missing out.

polexiaaphrodesia · 30/08/2020 13:36

Probably 6 years. My grad job was very stressful and I hated it but was tied into a 3 year training contract which I counted down every second of and we were saving for a house deposit so no spare money. Once I left my grad job and we moved into our first house we had a fab 6 years of holidays and our wedding before DS arrived

Monkeynuts18 · 30/08/2020 13:37

15 years - in the sense that I had my first aged 33 - but I wouldn’t say all those years were great. I really longed for a baby from about 30 onwards.

tiredanddangerous · 30/08/2020 13:38

I graduated at 22 and got pregnant with dc1 at 26. Not long really especially as we were pretty skint due to uni debts, house purchase and wedding. I wouldn't change it though and I'll only be 48 when my youngest turns 18.

peoniesandfreesias · 30/08/2020 13:39

6 years after we married in our early 20's before starting a family. Then we had our dcs over the next decade. Now turning 50 with 2 dcs away studying and 1 still in secondary school.

MondeoFan · 30/08/2020 13:41

First child at 33 and left home at 22, so about 9 child free years, nice holidays, meals out, working full time etc
I'd say I was ready to have a baby although I panicked slightly about 4 weeks away from giving birth and thinking I wasn't truly ready

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