Why are some people so rude about people still living with their parents past the age of 20?

[Tummmmm]

Is this not normal in some areas?
In my area, this is completely normal. Most of my friends are mid 20s and still live at home with their parents.
The only people I know who have managed to move out are those who have had children or those in a couple who are renting together.

My boyfriend and I are 26 and living with our parents to save for a deposit. Our parents are both happy with this situation and we're not "lazy", 'immature" ect. I help around the house, look after my sisters and he does the same.

We are hoping to have the deposit sorted by next year.

But i'd never look my nose down at someone living at home with parents. Many of my friends are just saving up for a housing deposit.

I think many people forget that moving out is not as cheap or easy as it was years and years ago.
My parents had moved out by 17 but they understand that these days it's not so straightforward.

My sons have never left home. We had a loft conversion made with 2 enormous rooms and a shower room to share. They are 33 and 25. They do their own laundry and change their own sheets and each son cooks one night each week. They have their own privacy and are saving deposits and we get along just fine. I find it odd and sad when parents and adult children no longer get along.

I moved out at 18 for university and ended up moving back in with my parents when I was 23. Fortunately I was only back with my parents for 9 months, during which point I worked all the hours I could to save enough money to enable me to move out permanently. I moved out to the City i went to uni (after finding a good 'graduate' role) and found a really cheap bedsit flat, which I rented for a couple of years before buying first house with my DH.

It's been 16 years since I moved out and I know that I was fortunate. I honestly don't know if I would have been able move out as quickly if I was in my 20s now, as rental properties are much more expensive.

My DB, on the other hand, finally moved out of my parents house 2 years ago at the grand old age of 44! He had paid nominal rent for years, supposedly to save for a deposit but he wasn't the best with money management. I honestly gave up on the idea of him ever moving out, as he did seem very comfortable depending on my parents.

Unfortunately due to the pandemic he was made redundant and it's likely he'll be moving back to my parents if he doesn't find another job in the next month or so. However my DB's attitude/thought process has always been "if it all goes tits-up then I'll move back home!" so I'm a bit cynical about how much effort he is putting in to find another job (he's not the most proactive but that's another story!).

I don’t care one way or the other, but I find it hard to identify with. I was desperate to grow up and move out from about the age of 14, and did so as soon as I could. I don’t know how young people don’t find it unbearably stifling.

My dd is still a teenager, but she will be welcome to live at home with us for as long as she wishes. I think it's unlikely that she'll want to stay once she graduates and starts working, but that will be her decision. Our home will always be there for her.

I dont think people should be sneery about it, and I think it is fine to do whatever a group of adults are all happy with.

That said, moving out at 18 was very much the norm for me and my friends, and was something we all had positive experiences with, so it seems strange to me in that way.

I've had a couple of personal experiences of people who could afford to move out, but weren't willing to live in the sort of housing they could afford, and i found their focus on comfort over independence a bit strange.

It's a simple explanation- they can't do it and they're jealous

This is something which is a private arrangement within your own family unit, and whilst others can and will have an opinion on it, it’s really not their business to question someone who chooses to live the way they choose. My DS lives at home - 22 years old, and I really don’t care whether he stays or goes. The choice is his. We have space, he lives his life independently, he pays his way, is easy going and good company, so I really don’t see it as an issue. If other people get worked up about it, then the problem is their’s. I think other parents often like to analyse and pick apart other people’s parenting as it makes them feel better about their own, but I always say you do you and we will do us.

It’s a weird thing for anyone to make a judgement about as it’s a personal choice which doesn’t affect anyone who doesn’t live in the home. It’s also fairly obvious that not everyone has the financial means to live independently in their early 20s.
I was 24 when I left home properly and would have been surprised to learn that anyone else even had an opinion about it.

Sneering at anyone who doesn't have the luxuries you have is arsehole behaviour regardless of the subject. I left home at 18 to go to University and never went back because my parents divorced and I didn't have a family home to return to - that was a shitty feeling and a situation I'd never put my own DC in. They'll have a home here for as long as I live, so I doubt very much they'll scarper at 18 - I'm not sure I'd want them to.

It's very old-fashioned to think your DC have to leave home by a set age - if mine want to save for deposits and homes, we've got a house that's plenty big enough for them to stay well into adulthood.

IMO there's no point moving out and renting unless you have to. If you're okay living at home then continue to do so and save every single penny you can

I managed to save £40k whilst living at home. The second you move out to rent is the second you'll stop saving for a deposit, unless you have a very well paid job which is unlikely as I guess you'd be able to buy somewhere before now

I work with people who live at home in their early thirties and some that rent in their fifties and sixties. Some people have never been in a position to buy and some don't seem to want to

I used to work with somebody who had a HA house and they said if anything stops working etc it gets replaced for free so why would I ever want to buy my own place?

Personally, we want to be able to leave our house to DD when we die. Keep doing what you're doing, it's very common and ignore others

That's weird I've never experienced that but then I'm Black and multigenerational living is common in Non white homes. Ignore them.

The UK is pretty much the only place in the world where multigenerational living is looked down on. It's common place in many other countries and nobody bars an eyelid.

@Burnthurst187 I did the same, saved and had a nice deposit to put down which made the mortgage repayments manageable. Rent charged on the houses on my street was more than my mortgage and I would have struggled to pay. I have no idea how people afford to rent.

The UK is weird about families continuing past an childs 18 birthday. I had crap parents so I had no choice but to leave when I was 17, my friends at university who didn’t return home after graduation were generally the ones who had poor parental support. As an adult in his early thirties most friends who did leave home early didn’t have great home lives. Friends who lived at home until they could save a decent deposit etc all have nice, caring supportive families.

My son can live here as long as he likes, it doesn’t stop being his home when he becomes an adult.

I don't think people in the UK look down on intergenerational living. It's obvious that few people have the financial means to move out at 18 or 21 if they go to university and do the standard 3 year degree course in England.

I was a student forever so I moved out properly at 24 and bought a flat at 25. But I could afford to, house prices were comparatively low in 1997 when I bought my first flat.

I wouldn't even think about why you are still with your parents, never mind comment on it.

The USA is much worse than us for this attitude of out the door at 18 and never must you return. It’s pretty much unheard of for children to still be at home in their 20s there. I remember an American friend of my parents commenting (when I’d moved home in my early 20s to be a full time carer to my family member) that they found it very strange that I was living at home (again, whilst caring for a bed bound family member) and that as far as they were concerned “the apron and purse strings are cut at 18 and the young MUST leave the nest, that’s the American way!”. They also made comments about their neighbours being weird because they had adult children living at home...they were a Muslim family with several of the children becoming doctors at expensive US universities. Culturally and financially it made total sense.

I don't turn my nose up it but it does fill me with dread somewhat, I can't say I'm overall keen at the thought of my own kids living with us for that long! I hope these 20+ year olds have a plan, are genuinely welcomed at home and think about their parents in that situation.

Young people living at home whilst genuinely saving to buy a house and therefore a firm plan to move out, absurdly fine.

Young people who claim to live at home to save for a deposit, but end up spending all their money on fun things, only managing to save a pittance if anything, and treating home line a hotel with mums coming here to moan they have enough of being treated like a maid, not acceptable.

I generally only see this kind of criticism on MN and most often it's in relation to problems with adult children living with their parents but taking no adult responsibilities which as PP have pointed out does everyone a disservice because at some point the adult child will have to learn to live independently.

In real life most people I speak to understand the challenges of saving for a deposit, leaving university with debt and poor job security in a competitive job market. I think if the adult children are contributing to the household in some way, either domestic effort or financially, and everyone is happy then I can't see the problem.

@Purpledaisychain

The UK is pretty much the only place in the world where multigenerational living is looked down on. It's common place in many other countries and nobody bars an eyelid.

I think it's more confusion about logistics rather than looking down at someone. I haven't really seen multigenerational living houses here. Where I am from people often live in 1 house, but that is split into separate units so it's kind of living together, kind of living separately. There are also purpose built new multigenerational houses which are joined a special way. Very, very few people share like you would share a house share as far as I know.

I'm Italian and DH's family are from the Philippines, perfectly normal in both cultures to not move out until you get married (though of course some do move out for uni/work etc.)
If its not really impractical/dangerous I'll move mum and dad back in with us when they are older (if they want to, my nonna is 87 and still lives at home by herself).

I have a few slightly older cousins (late 30s) who went from living with their families to living with their fiances/husbands and it seems to have worked out fine.

Sounds like Italy too Schrodinger, there's usually a nonna in the groundfloor flat, the middle generation in another flat, and the first DC to get married gets the flat left over.

I just find it interesting how self involved the OP's posts are "so long as I live in a lovely home what does it matter", about how it looks on HER, in 8 odd posts not one about the impact on parents and whether they were set up and mentally prepared to have kids at home for 26+ years. For someone so concerned about how she looks it would be nice to see some acknowledgement on how it's probably not how her parents perceived their future living situation being and how they all make it work together. It's not just about the children. I wouldn't judge anyone living at home but I would be curious to know how the parents feel, it's not what I want.

I wonder how many of the parents with 20 or 30 year olds still living at home are secretly wishing they'd grow up and move on?