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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are some people so rude about people still living with their parents past the age of 20?

169 replies

Tummmmm · 29/08/2020 20:02

Is this not normal in some areas?
In my area, this is completely normal. Most of my friends are mid 20s and still live at home with their parents.
The only people I know who have managed to move out are those who have had children or those in a couple who are renting together.

My boyfriend and I are 26 and living with our parents to save for a deposit. Our parents are both happy with this situation and we're not "lazy", 'immature" ect. I help around the house, look after my sisters and he does the same.

We are hoping to have the deposit sorted by next year.

But i'd never look my nose down at someone living at home with parents. Many of my friends are just saving up for a housing deposit.

I think many people forget that moving out is not as cheap or easy as it was years and years ago.
My parents had moved out by 17 but they understand that these days it's not so straightforward.

OP posts:
userxx · 29/08/2020 20:30

I see no issue with it at all, as long as everyone involved is happy then why not. Living alone can be bloody lonely and very expensive!

PinkyBrain · 29/08/2020 20:31

I didn’t have the kind of parents or family home I’d have wanted to stay in tbf. Myself and my brother both got out as soon as we could for uni and then rented an absolute dive together for a year or two before I bought a house with my partner (now dh) at around 23 (I know this is unusual but I was desperate and we saved hard) and he moved to London.

So essentially I was the Mumsnet cliche, married with a house and a baby and some semblance of a career by 25 but I didn’t have the best start in life and worked bloody hard to get away from that so I feel that it balances out. Grin

My dc are welcome to stay as long as they want and I hope we are in the position to help them out when they’re ready to move out too.

MangoM · 29/08/2020 20:33

I'm from an Indian background and it's completely normal for us to continue living with our parents in our 20s. It's not considered lazy or immature, just the norm. There's no pressure to move out until you're ready and have chosen to yourself.

A friend of mine told me in her last year of university that she had no idea where she was going to live now. I thought it was so strange that she was no longer welcome in her own parents home!

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 29/08/2020 20:34

Don't forget this is mumsnet, where everyone falls over themselves to say that they moved out at 12 and can't understand anyone living at home beyond the age of 15...

Its very normal these days, particularly around London and other expensive cities, to live at home well into your twenties or thirties. I know at least two people in their 40s still living with a parent. Who cares?

namechangetheworld · 29/08/2020 20:36

It's perfectly normal amongst my peers. I lived with my parents post-Uni until I was 24, so I could save for a deposit, and DH did the same. Neither of our parents would accept a penny in 'rent.' What was the alternative? Moving out at 21 and spunking money on rent for the rest of our lives? I know many people don't have a choice in the matter, but to willingly do that in order to 'live your own life' just seems foolish to me.

Rae5647 · 29/08/2020 20:43

No judgement here, each to their own as long as everyone is happy! I’m extremely close to my parents as an only child but couldn’t bare living there beyond 23.

I took a shared equity home with 5% deposit to get on housing ladder with a tiny flat, 5 years on ive been able to move on and now in a nice house.

I do think there seems to be a trend towards people MUST have a lovely big house, or immaculate flat as their very first purchase, people aren’t as willing to start at the bottom anymore.
Depends where you live too, can get a small flat for around 60k here, and I would struggle to understand why someone earning a full time wage could afford that or save up a small deposit... other than they don’t want to (which is fine)

I think there’s a lot of people not wanting to slum it in a pokey first flat or studio... rather than they absolutely can’t afford to move out of their parents place. Again, fine, but it annoys me when money is blamed.

nosswith · 29/08/2020 20:44

Most of the people looking down at those living at home probably helped create the situation by who they voted for, or did not vote at all.

Cattiwampus · 29/08/2020 20:45

Today I’ve had my house hoovered, bathroom cleaned and dinner cooked.
We have a rota, as we’re sharing a house. And they do their own laundry.

lazyarse123 · 29/08/2020 20:46

My dd is the only one of 4 friends still living with parents. She's 31 but has just saved enough for a deposit and fees for a flat but covid has meant that she is not 100% certain that her job is secure so she is staying put for another 3 months or so. She's definitely not lazy or lacking ambition or any of the other insulting rubbish spouted on here.

unicornparty · 29/08/2020 20:46

I moved out at 19 and got a mortgage on my own house with my then boyfriend. I couldn't wait to leave home and get some independence.

I was watching a programme last night and they were saying that older people only had to save for 3 years on average for a house deposit but nowadays you need to save for much longer. The older person then said that the reason for that was because young adults now still buy 'luxuries' like expensive clothes / make up, cars, alcohol, nights out etc and the older people never had those things so were able to save quicker.

YouokHun · 29/08/2020 20:47

I’m 53. When I was 23 and living in London with no student debt and I was earning about £25k and bought a flat with a 10% deposit for £65k. The same job I did then now pays about £32-35k a year but the flat I used to own has just sold for £650k (it wasn’t me that sold it for this sum sadly). I’m therefore not at all surprised people are living at home longer and returning after university; things are very very different now and it’s much tougher to get off the starting blocks.

Anyone being rude about twenty somethings still living at home hasn’t thought it through, and anyway, why shouldn’t an adult live with parents if everyone is happy with the arrangement?

Nottobesoldseparately · 29/08/2020 20:47

YANBU

I think it's a shame that people are unable to easily move out until they are older.

I 'missed the boat' by 6 months back in the late 90's, when I was in my early 20's and ready for the world.

I was single and could not afford to move out on the low wage I was on. I could have moved to a shitty area, away from my home and friends, but why would I want to when my parents were happy for me to stay? Especially when they had a large 4 bed house?

In the end I was 32 when I left home to live with my now DH.

However, all 3 of my brothers had moved out and back, most of my friends had moved out and back home and my DH had also had to move back home when he's split from his ex.

Cattiwampus · 29/08/2020 20:51

I agree that it depends where you live.
Just googled studio flats within 10 miles, the cheapest possible is £160,000.
Any others are retirement.

unmarkedbythat · 29/08/2020 20:52

Because some people are twats.

Daphnise · 29/08/2020 20:52

I've never met anyone being judgemental about living with parents- indeed I would imagine few people in their early 20s manage to live on their own.

Blwoingbubbles · 29/08/2020 20:52

In all honesty I don’t understand it. 100% of my friends who own their own homes were able to get
on the property ladder because they were gifted large deposits by their parents. Some people are able to save up and move out by themselves and that’s great. What I don’t get is why people can’t just appreciate everyone has a different preference. Some people get lonely living alone and if you love your family and contribute etc and you choose to stay there because you don’t want to be isolated I don’t see the issue at all. I live at home with my mum. I am a single parent and suffered horrific post natal depression and was very, very unwell. I am here because my mum is amazing and I feel happier here, and I am a better mum because of that. I pay my way, cook for everyone in the house and all the rest of it! I have grown to not care what people think because too many people in the western world define success by material possessions and are so far removed from what makes us human that they can’t see why an earth you would even consider deviating from the norm.
No wonder we are in a mental heath crisis.

OhTheRoses · 29/08/2020 20:53

DH and I left home at 18 and never went back. 100s of miles from London in DH's case and mother was by then on her third marriage!

Our DC are 25 and 22. DS has a flat and a girlfriend but is still here 2/3 nights. DD is still at uni. DS starts a PhD next term and it will be first time neither of them will be at home. It will be v strange.

This is their home. We are close to London. They will always be welcome to live here, at any age. We had no choice. Our DC do and I am thrilled they seem to like it here.

Jellykat · 29/08/2020 20:56

I left home at 16, but that was 41 years ago!
Times have changed massively, i consider it perfectly normal for people in their 20s to still live with their parents these days, my DS2 does, as do nearly all his friends. If however he's still here in 10 years time, i might feel a bit differently!

AgentProvocateur · 29/08/2020 20:57

My DS both left when they went to uni, but they’re both back with their partners. The house is big enough and DH and I enjoy having them. We even go on holiday together the six of us 😂

Scarby9 · 29/08/2020 20:58

When I was that age, I and all bar two of my friends and classmates moved out of our parents' homes between the ages of 16 and 18.

The ones who left at 16 or 17 went straight into a job, moved in with partners, renting a room or some even a flat together (north of England).

Most of us left for university at 18, went home for parts of each holiday, but never lived at the parental home once we had got our degrees. It literally never occurred to me then that was was an option. You grew up and left home.

The norm was to move to whereever the job was that you got. I, and most of my friends, started our first graduate jobs renting a room in a house, progressed to renting a flat or a house before managing to buy. The difference in terms of buying (which most of us did at 25/ 26ish) was the much lower deposit needed than now and the higher multiplication of your earnings you could get a mortgage for. Oh, and the rent I had to pay (out of season holiday let) was in proportion to its condition!

Echobelly · 29/08/2020 20:59

I think a lot of people are living in the past and assume everyone can just afford a place of their own easily like they did when they started working.

I'm expecting that our kids will likely have to live with us for a while when they leave education - indeed I'd probably encourage it in order for them to save up some money.

CharityRoyall · 29/08/2020 20:59

Completely agree OP. My friends are all in our late 20s and 90% of us still live at home (I have moved out). We live in London though where rent is extortionate and most people would rather save up for a deposit.
My boyfriend and I moved out three years ago but are planning to move back in with my parents next year in order to save like mad and make the last of our savings goal, and we recognise how lucky we are to be able to do that. I don’t think it’s odd and get a bit fed up of all the comments from people on here like “hE’s NINETEEN wHy HaSn’T hE mOvEd OuT yEt” 🙄

doodleygirl · 29/08/2020 21:05

YANBU.

My DD was in and out of home until she was 24 when she bought her own home. DSD moved back after uni and her boyfriend moved in as well, they saved for a year to have a deposit for a house.

Ignore other people, I have no idea why anyone would think it was a bad idea to live with parents. As long as all parties are happy it can be a great way of living.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 29/08/2020 21:06

Well, living with parents past the age of 20 spans potentially 70 years! So there are limits.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 29/08/2020 21:10

YANBU