Serious? Do men know the slightest about women

[Gothamgirl1970]

Posting here for traffic and opinions.

As it’s 3 am and I am posting it’s because I simply am perplexed and need the hive mind.
Dating apps: presumably a person joins up because they would like to meet someone for company, to find love, just a shag or probably 100 other reasons I can’t contemplate this late.
I’m not sure if this holds true for all age groups but what I’ve observed is in men 46-58. In the profile area you can post some photos if you wish. A lot of men do but write no bio which tells me nothing and essentially they are just a body.
Here’s my serious question. Approximately 60% of men with photos lead the opening photo of themselves In Lycra gear with a helmet and sunglasses on, a bit of mud displaying their bicycle with pride. In many cases all 3 photos will be man and bike. Mid flight, crossing some finish line etc.
I know lots of women who are also befuddled by why a man would think bike photos would interest any woman in him at all. Shouldn’t they put a photo that shows the face, and is in a friendly happy pose?
What is it these cycle mad men are trying to convey? I cycle most of the time so I won’t have any time to spend with you? I want a woman who will cycle with me ? Look at my bike it’s impressive? I look decent in Lycra?
Please help. My friends and I are dying to know why they do this and what they are trying to communicate and further who are they thinking they can attract with this?

AIBU to not have to look at literally hundreds of cycling photos?

*he would always be wondering if

In a way - it is integrity and while very disapoointing and frustrating; better than meeting a potential user.

It’s hard to write about yourself for OLD. Women find it hard too. Yet they do it. They don’t take the easy way out and say sod all on their profile. It’s just lazy. And it’s lazy to not be bothered to take a decent photo of yourself in the last year. Showing your face. Not with all your mates/a fish. I find it entitled. If you want to meet someone, show that it matters to you.
@Gothamgirl1970 The guy who couldn’t cope with meeting you is no loss to you. If he’s so insecure he can’t even get past your job, he’s an idiot. How many women earn much less than their partners? And yet they cope somehow.

I didn’t date that much although I had several FWBs before I met my BF on a hookup site during lockdown. We just thought we would have some fun, but now it’s more. But I’d talked to a lot of men in 18 months, enough to recognise BS when I saw/heard/read it.

Also it’s a crazy value judgment. I may be affluent but I shop at Lidl and buy my knickers from Marks because I am a normal person not an entitled spoilt arse

And also I didn’t even care about what “ resources “ a man had. Having money doesn’t make you a good person nor does it make you superior.

Knickers from Mark's, what extravagance .

Seriously though - you're absolutely right, it is a huge value judgement. But I suppose it's one many people would make. They'd assume they struggle to meet half the cost of as wealthier person's means out, holidays, breaks, leisure activities etc. and, if they're like him not want you to sub them and not want you to clip your wings.

I mean you could've said "I live fairly frugally and there wouldn't be the big gap you imagine" but maybe he wouldn't have been convinced, and maybe he's still have felt "inferior", and perhaps that's not the real or only reason he decided against starting something. Who knows.

*meals out

I dunno about all this. I quite like the unairbrushed authenticity of “here I am” men’s profiles (though as posters note, there are some shocking ones). It’s the highly curated ones some of my female friends Have that I find , well, just a bit to try hard

@Aridane fair enough for you to appreciate the “here I am” profiles. If only the “here I am” men wanted “here I am” women instead of being delusional and only being interested in women 10 years or more younger who have bikini bodies, model looks, and no children.

This thread makes me wish I were a lesbian. There are so many funny intelligent interesting and human single women posting!

So - not really answering the question, but I was divorced a few years ago, went nuts on dating sites (pressure valve is the only way to describe it rationally) and around your age found the nicest bloke, online. 18 months almost now and the best relationship I’ve ever had.
So my thoughts, in no particular order.

I did normal photos, a normal profile. I am slim and reasonably okay but not Elle Macpherson.
There are crazy women as well as men on there - this isn’t just about hopeless men.
It’s a numbers game. There are a lot of middle aged men who think they can suddenly date a 30 yo. You can’t really tell what people are like from a pic and write up. You have to chalk A LOT of this up to life. I might have been contacted / contacted 50-60 blokes (probably more - so many will just try it on). Maybe met around 8-10.
Then my lovely chap wrote - as I was leaving the site actually - and here we are. He wanted a relationship.

But before that - you have to develop an incredibly tough skin, be prepared for some remarkable requests (white socks anyone? 😳) and to liberally use the freeze / whatever that option is to make the sleazy ones disappear. And to laugh - honestly some of the stuff was so ridiculous. Makes for brilliant conversations with girlfriends.

And yes to the bikes thing - they’re just not as switched on about photos from what I can tell. And they’ve seen all the other blokes do it so it seems safe? It’s better than the bathroom shots in the mirror 🙂

Obviously I would do it again - I don’t know where else I would meet someone and had always hoped I might have a fab relationship at some point!

So be patient, cut them off quickly, keep going and more, and such good luck. Think like a man !!

@ItalianHat maybe that’s the way forward for me. Apparently late in life lesbianism is not uncommon.

I see a lot of pros there:
Probably no ear hair issues
Better smelling?
More tuned in emotionally
Will know how to operate a washing machine
Might have clothes I can borrow
Probably better at keeping a bathroom tidy

Apologies - hadn’t read all the posts.
Again - it’s a numbers game. The chap I finally met is an Oxbridge PhD and now lectures / is very senior in academics.
You are rare, and so why wouldn’t the blokes on the sites who might suit you be too?

@Isaidnomorecrisps I think you’re right it is a numbers game and perhaps there is a rare guy in there somewhere.

Unfortunately based on my (limited) duration of membership I did have over 300 men in my beeline area. The ones that I did communicate with (excepting the near miss date) were so rude, sexually inappropriate, being accused of being an escort, a catfish, them being married, wanting 3somes even asking me how my husband died. I could go on but honestly I have no interest in subjecting myself to wading through that level of trash in the hope that there MAY be a needle in a haystack and we MAY find each other.

I get it. I had decided to leave - much of it was really quite unpleasant and there is only so much you can take. But it only takes one right person - the same happened to my sister.

There’s a lovely poem which starts “she had blue skin and so did he....” - I always thought that was my fate but it seems not - just took 50 years !

I wish you the absolute best.

@Gothamgirl1970,

No is answer to all your Qs to me. I'm, just trying to understand why you over think things so much!! Your way of thinking would exhaust and bore me so much. But it obviously attracts you. I'm trying to figure out what our difference could be. I understand people who talk about Ralph Lauren shirts or tennis or kitchens (I have zero interest in all) for hours better than I understand you.

More interesting to talk about. beyond people on this thread saying that men just want bimbos -- I'm mildly curious what women put on their dating app profiles and what they think men actually WANT to see. I have a hunch that many women mismatch & poorly design their presentation as much as OP says she finds men poorly design their dating app profiles. I wonder if gay women design their profiles better than straight gals. Seems possible...

My friend who goes on lots of dating apps to find a bloke basically describes encountering a series of losers. She has learnt to have fun with trying, anyway.

I have no interest in subjecting myself to wading through that level of trash in the hope that there MAY be a needle in a haystack and we MAY find each other.

I feel the same - I was telling a younger friend of mine that it is a waste of my time - in my case I have had (in terms of messages)

• people who are married and living with their wife but apparently “separated”
• people wanting photos immediately and clearly after sex only but I didn’t get it at first
• people who have chatted to me twice but not remembered the first time at all
• people who have assumed we are getting together because I answered a message
• people who are much older than me or much younger
• monosyllabic messages
• people so obviously chatting to loads of people at the same time and you are in a queue
• some inappropriate messages but that was at the beginning when I didn’t know to put that I wanted a relationship
• lots and lots of people that came across as odd and some of them very unattractive

The only person I have met up with I did really like - and there was an attraction - but that didn’t go anywhere for a multitude of reasons, and in the end I think he kind of lead me on. Still in contact on social media.

Anyway my younger friend thinks I should persevere and reading your posts @Isaidnomorecrisps, maybe I should. Had just let my match membership lapse. Can I ask what site you were on when you met your partner?

My issue is very low self-esteem and I think I should sort that before I try and get into something with someone (I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for a long time), partly for fear that I try to turn them into my counsellor amongst other things.

At 51 I am worried I will never get over my issues however, and in my case I would really like to experience real love and know what that’s like. I also don’t want to be single long term.

OLD can be quite soul destroying at times. I think it’s something you regularly need a break from. I used to go silent/invisible and delete the apps regularly. It was when I was on a break from looking that I met my now-BF.

@downwardspiral1
Hello - I met him on Guardian Soulmates.

Was also on Telegraph (not really me), and Bumble - which was great, more blokes looking for a decent conversation and actually met a couple of people who were on for a relationship but not quite right for me. Perfectly okay. And you have control.

I have to say though I was let down / had a few “why hasn’t he written” moments and many “uh-oh it’s the 6th message and let’s see if he will bring up sex” - really amazing. I feel I gained quite an insight into what men can be like where they don’t care and just want that. You need to be a rock to get through it. But I just blocked them - they are merciless and you have to be too.

Then this one popped up, said hello, would I like to meet for a drink at a gallery the following week and didn’t give me his number till after we had met.

Because he’d had crazy women in the past!
So it does work both ways 🙂

Thanks @Isaidnomorecrisps. I am really glad it worked out well for you .

I did have over 300 men in my beeline area.

Bloody hell this OLD, is it really as bad as everyone says it is?. Sureley there is an opening for perhaps a more old fashioed matchmaking agency sort of marridge beareu not i suppose that everyone whats to get married?

At least it'd wade out the bigamists for a start?.

From my POV i tried this a while ago met 6 women ALL of whom spent most all of the evening tellimg me what grade A shits their exes were, some had more that just the one Ex!

Could'nt get a word in edgeways about anything else:-(

Bad that weight is such an issue - degrading.

I was having this conversation with my 28 year old Trans, bi son (welcome to the world!) He meets people through aps although tells me some are better than others, you can also tick friendship as well as relationship on some. Although apparently grinder is really seedy & all he got was people messaging him with the request 'cockpic'. Nice.
Another he said he got just people called John messaging - just attracted very specific type!?

The message seems to be to try different aps as they're all different & attract different types.

Syrangeways19 it's not just weight that some men on OLD use to make degrading comments about.

Without wishing to be boastful, I'm attractive. I've had a few negative comments about how I must be vain, or "fake". I feel that I'm viewed suspiciously by some men because I don't have children or middle aged spread. I have been accused more than once if being "too good looking". A bit like the poster who apparently earned too much money to meet up with, some men have very strict parameters of what they think a "suitable" woman should fit into.

I find it all quite damaging and prefer to avoid OLD for the risk if being subjected to it. A lot of men in their forties seem to be on the lookout for a woman in her twenties with a lower level of education than them, whom they can manipulate and mould. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how compatible, what you've achieved, once some men have been exposed to the sweetie shop that is OLD, you are always likely to be ditched if they get a chance with a twentysomething whom they wouldn't look at twice if she were a fortysomething.

I get what you mean about misleading photos. One of my extended family has a new BF and she showed me his FB page. I was all "wow" and wondered why he needed a dating app. In his photos on FB he is skiing, running half marathons and having drinks with friends. I was expecting a 6ft 2" tall, dark and handsome, successful man with a deep voice and a bit of an arrogant, macho bloke. What I actually met was a small man, with tiny feet and quite fussy and feminine. I was quite shocked. Not saying there is anything wrong with that, but his photos, which incidentally had no privacy and are probably there for someone on OLD to stalk (like us) implied he was some kind of ex Special Forces with a history of heroism.

If I was on OLD I think I'd put average photos so when someone met me they were pleasantly surprised, rather than massively disappointed.