My in laws want to visit us on our camping trip

[ConnectFortyFour]

we're booked to go camping with the kids on the bank holiday weekend about an hour away from our home. Like most people, have had a bit of an odd year cooped up in the house and looking forward to a change of scene.

DH saw his parents (they live nearish) and they asked all about it including the name of the campsite. they then said 'oh, we'll visit you, we'd love to see that part of the world'.

DH was vague, non committal as I wasn't there and asked me later what i thought. i said i'd rather they didn't come as we hadn't invited them. we both now think that if we do nothing they will just turn up at the campsite as they have the name of it and are real 'dropper inners' (this is a back story which i've posted about before).

i'm really pissed off as we never invited them but DH thinks that if we explicitly tell them not to come we're being 'mean and ungrateful'.

AIBU?

It isn't that 'we didn't invite them' but that you don't want them to visit and your DH does. You need to work out a way to manage your different levels of sociability. That doesn't mean you get to dictate terms of engagement because you're less sociable and don't have that type of relationship with your parents.

I kind of get that and I would be up for socialising in a way I found more appropriate, but dh literally never makes arrangements with them, I assume because he cant be bothered- which sort of leaves the ball in their court and then they suggest strange things and keep dropping in

God forbid they want to see you or their son, they're just being friendly not pitching up a tent next door ffs.

I wouldn't like it personally. Me and DP had a weekend getaway during a christmas market last Christmas about an hour away from where my sister lives and she tried inviting herself for a day of shopping with us. I love my sister but I just wanted it to be me and DP.

Well, popping into someone’s holiday when they see OP’s family weekly it is a bit excessive, at the end of the day we all take holidays to get away from our usual day to day, including meeting with the family regularly.

@Therarestone

God forbid they want to see you or their son, they're just being friendly not pitching up a tent next door ffs.

The see the OP and their son every week. Why do they need to tag along on their holiday as well?

They're not just being 'friendly'.Theyll be like my PIL, bordering rude, who have blurred boundaries and wouldn't comprehend that they wouldn't be welcomed with open arms without invitation at other people's social gatherings.

@ConnectFortyFour

I have checked the site policy and it is no day visitors. Thanks for those who suggested. Gets me off the hook this time

Won't they just suggest meeting up off site?

Or will they not want to plan in advance?

Rather just turn up & intrude?

As usual though it's your husband-he needs to be setting boundaries?

Did his childhood holidays involve any GPs randomly turning up?

I think perhaps I need to be blunt in a kind way, and say it myself rather than waiting for DH to do it as he's very unwilling and hates confrontation even of the slightest kind

Yh. I have one of these too. Just means they don't want to do any of the difficult stuff, they want you to. That's why his parents do things like invite themselves on your holiday.

We’re on a camping trip now and just had the in-laws visiting for the day. Went for a lunch meal, an activity for DD afterwards followed by a cup of tea at a cafe.

We all had a wonderful time and we see our in-laws once every week or fortnight. I guess it all depends on your relationship with them, but for us, families are all about sharing the good times! They would never suggest staying for more than a day’s visit. If you’ve got a lovely family, it can be ‘the more the merrier’.

If they’re coming for a few hours whilst visiting the area and staying elsewhere i don’t see the issue. You could have lunch together and off they go.

I never cease to be amazed at how many MNetters have an aversion to their ILs. I just hope it doesn't come to bite you on the arse when your DC grow up. I can only imagine your hurt when you hope to visit your child and their partner and your lovely grandchildren for a couple of hours and not being wanted.

Can you blame the weather if the in-laws persist in wanting to meet up off-site? So, “Gosh, the weather’s being so unpredictable we may dash off to the beach/woods/cycling/Mildew Manor on the spur of the moment if the sun comes out, so we don’t want to commit to a pub lunch inside.” And then, “See you next week!”

@GetThatHelmetOn

Well, popping into someone’s holiday when they see OP’s family weekly it is a bit excessive, at the end of the day we all take holidays to get away from our usual day to day, including meeting with the family regularly.

Exactly.

And no matter how appealing someone else's holiday sounds, I wouldn't dream of trying to invite myself along.

YANBU, OP.

they suggest strange things and keep dropping in
They're not 'strange things' to them. A PP asked if your DH's GPs drop in on his holidays. Our relatives used to drop in on our holidays when we were growing up. DSIS and her friend turned up on one holiday. My DB and his family turned up on another. My parents dropped in on DB's. In some families, it isn't strange. I don't know if it's cultural or class related.

I remember DHs granny. Highly sociable, in and out of each others pockets the whole time. Thing is, she'd always give you a choice saying, 'as long as it suits you'. I liked her a lot. Sadly gone now.

That's the key thing that's missing with his parents. They have terrible manners imo.

It’s an hour-ish away for them...they can go any time and see that part of the world. Bonkers. Why the need to go when you go?!

You could buy them an overnight stay somewhere there for their Xmas present?

in which class or culture would this be the norm.
genuine question.
to me it just sounds intrusive, domineering. esp as they see them every week anyhow, and live only a short drive from destination, ie could go anytime. that's an excuse to invade their time which should be their own. OP says they have form for this behaviour. and it rankles.
if it was one big happy darling buds of may set-up, it would be different.

@ConnectFortyFour

Just to be clear, dh would be happy to see them - he is very spontaneous and sociable. It's me that has the issue with it. Though i think he'd be pissed off if we had to cancel a day out because of it

I hope your DC don't end up marrying someone who'd put a stop to you seeing them if they wanted to see you!

There's one thing wanting to see your relatives. And quite another when you want to impose yourself on them on their family holiday.

alex I don't know that it is class or cultural. It seems normal to me but from this thread, it obviously isn't usual for most. That made me wonder if it's connected to our cultural background. Our heritage is mixed - Irish on one side and Asian on the other. Either could have influenced it. Or it could be because they were working class and so a chance to visit a 'holiday' place was viewed as a treat? even though the 'holiday' destination wasn't that far from home and they could have visited it fairly easily.

in which class or culture would this be the norm

Totally the norm in my Mauritian DH’s family. It is considered odd for family not to cluster around any event. Arriving at the airport? 3 car loads of cousins all having a family picnic in the car park. Leaving from the airport at 5am? 2 car loads of elderly aunts and uncles magically appear on the doorstep to travel in convoy and bring enough food for a communal breakfast in Departures. Picking MIL and FIL up from Heathrow when they come here? For second cousins and two former colleagues and neighbours that they worked with when they lived here appear, two of whom invite you to stop off at their houses...which the entire assembled entourage all agree to.

We went there in Hol, stayed in a hotel over the other dude of the island for a couple of days as a change... guess what . Bringing boot loads of food in case the hotel isn’t feeding us properly.

In the midst of this, to get some peace and quiet, I went fir a beach stroll. Quickly surrounded by aunties, seriously worried that I would be lonely or frightened to walk in my own.

They all genuinely believe that company, family and hospitality are the most important thing in life after food and shelter.

Dido Sounds fun and caring but oppressive! Do you ever get to do anything by yourself?

"They all genuinely believe that company, family and hospitality are the most important thing in life after food and shelter."

And if someone doesn't believe that, is that respected or pushed aside and everyone just keeps turning up regardless?

Why not just be honest? I love my mil, but when I go on holiday I like to just get away from everyone and everything. Change of routine of seeing same people and same places. All you need to say is ‘ if you don’t mind we just want to get away from everything and just spend time together to do our own thing. No offence to you - we would say the same to anyone else who suggested a visit’. Most people would understand. I never holiday with family or friends for this same reason.