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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My in laws want to visit us on our camping trip

137 replies

ConnectFortyFour · 27/08/2020 14:47

we're booked to go camping with the kids on the bank holiday weekend about an hour away from our home. Like most people, have had a bit of an odd year cooped up in the house and looking forward to a change of scene.

DH saw his parents (they live nearish) and they asked all about it including the name of the campsite. they then said 'oh, we'll visit you, we'd love to see that part of the world'.

DH was vague, non committal as I wasn't there and asked me later what i thought. i said i'd rather they didn't come as we hadn't invited them. we both now think that if we do nothing they will just turn up at the campsite as they have the name of it and are real 'dropper inners' (this is a back story which i've posted about before).

i'm really pissed off as we never invited them but DH thinks that if we explicitly tell them not to come we're being 'mean and ungrateful'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 27/08/2020 15:15

Most campsites are no visitors.

If they text when you're there can you

A) ignite and make some excuse about signal! (Best camping excuse)

B) day can't visit campsite but your going to lunch/dinner at x place on x day so they could join you?

If you say dinner you can always arrange to meet at 4/5. Hour showing them around town. Pub meal. Eat quickly! And then say going back to campsite which is handy if they aren't allowed!

I would leave arranging anything or mentioning it. If you bring it up you'll give them the opportunity to invite themselves.

relievedlady · 27/08/2020 15:17

My mum would do this and has tried before.

We also had the just dropping in parents and in laws and Covid stopped that but then once restrictions were lifted they came at us worse than before.

It took me losing my shit to get them to realise it's not right to just rock up all times of day or evening let yourself in and then get snippy because we won't entertain you after a busy work day Hmm

My mum once tried to invite herself on a xmas day out we do with friends every year so much so that she put me on the spot so I had to just say no we are out with friends.

If I were you I'd get dh or you just breezily tell them dh mentioned they'd said about visiting you on your trip however due to Covid no visitors are allowed on site and as it's meant to be a break you don't want to be tied by times to meet up anytime.

UnfinishedSymphon · 27/08/2020 15:17

Just tell the overgrown toddler that you want time as a family to enjoy your holiday, you're only there what, a week? It's not like you never see them

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 27/08/2020 15:18

Tell him that HE is ruining you looking forward to your one fucking holiday weekend this year, and he needs to stop sulking, put on his big boy pants and call his parents. What you're asking isn't unreasonable at all.

shieldedsally · 27/08/2020 15:18

"We're needing some family time away - it's been such a weird year and DH and I need a bit of alone time. Maybe another year?" That should do it.

People like that have a deliberately thick skin - if you have to say "No, we need some time by ourselves" point blank then you have to. It's not your fault that you've been forced to be blunt.

Original poster
ConnectFortyFour · 27/08/2020 15:20

the ungrateful thing stung me too. I think he means in a general filial sense but they have also in the past given us money and although they don't do anything major like childcare they do lots of little favours like lifts or lending us things etc.. Seems like the strings are massive though

OP posts:
Beachbodylonggone · 27/08/2020 15:22

Personally I would tell him you are booking a night away in a hotel - does he want his dps to tag along?
You are allowed the expectation of your plans going as, well planned!! Imagine sitting at a meal for 2 and they rock up dampening The Mood... Would he be happy then?

feistyoneyouare · 27/08/2020 15:22

Would you treat your parents the same?

rolls eyes This argument gets put forward every single time there is an in-law question on here, as far as I can see.

As a pp said, you can like people and still not want them to join you on holiday. Are you suggesting the ILs should automatically be welcome to drop in on any occasion the OP and family might be doing something?

LakieLady · 27/08/2020 15:23

If they turn up, just pretend you've got a time slot booked at some local attraction, NT property or similar and are about to get ready and leave.

Apologise that they've had a wasted trip, point out that if only they'd let you know they were coming, you could have saved them the time and trouble and don't laugh until they've well and truly left!

feistyoneyouare · 27/08/2020 15:24

the ungrateful thing stung me too. I think he means in a general filial sense but they have also in the past given us money and although they don't do anything major like childcare they do lots of little favours like lifts or lending us things etc.. Seems like the strings are massive though

Yeah, that sounds like a control tactic OP. I'm sure there's some genuine kindness involved, but it sounds like they expect repeated expressions of gratitude.

Original poster
ConnectFortyFour · 27/08/2020 15:25

so true about the thick skin point. I think perhaps I need to be blunt in a kind way, and say it myself rather than waiting for DH to do it as he's very unwilling and hates confrontation even of the slightest kind

OP posts:
shieldedsally · 27/08/2020 15:30

I honestly think that's best - though your DH needs to learn how to do it too.

I have the same issue with my in laws. I realised after a few years that they would just bulldoze us and demand what they wanted without any regard for us unless we put very clear boundaries in place, openly and up front.

diddl · 27/08/2020 15:30

He knows what they are like but still told them where you are going & is now sulking.

Sounds as if he wants to see them!

shieldedsally · 27/08/2020 15:33

No, it sounds like he knows he has a problem standing up to them, and he's been rumbled!

LannieDuck · 27/08/2020 15:33

It sounds as if DH wants to see them?

Shizzlestix · 27/08/2020 15:35

But the no visitors due to Covid is probably true. You’re only away for a few days, why is your presumably adult dh throwing a toddler tantrum?!

EssentialHummus · 27/08/2020 15:35

Oh god. Either a blank "Sorry, we'd like some time just the four of us but we'll see you the following weekend and can do something nice altogether" or possibly arrange a pub lunch/dinner on your final day/on your way back?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/08/2020 15:36

I would refuse to go anymore OP ..tell him just to take the kids.Either way he has got a gob on him for one of two reasons,those being its ruined for you if mil turns up or hes angry with you if you dont go.Its ruined nw anyway before you go with this friction the inlaws have started. I hate this situation and you are not being unreasonable at all. Been where you are now and had things ruined before they got going so I know how you feel.I am really sorry.

HollowTalk · 27/08/2020 15:36

But he sees them every week!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/08/2020 15:38

You could always arrange for them to meet you for a Pub Lunch/dinner the day you're leaving, so have you holiday and meet on the way back kind of a thing?

Penguinnn · 27/08/2020 15:39

I think you’re being unfair it’s your husbands holiday too. But I’m coming at it from my own point of view I always holiday with my family, it’s just the way we are. Everyone’s different if you don’t want them there call them yourself and say no visitors don’t make your husband do your dirty work.

Foldinthecheese · 27/08/2020 15:42

My in-laws are doing this. We’ve booked a week away and now they’ve decided they want to book a few days in the same location. My DH presented it as just spending one day together, but that seems unlikely to me. I mean, if we’re all in the same place, I’m doubtful that there won’t be conversations about going for meals or days out. I’m pretty disappointed. My DH works incredibly long hours and it isn’t that often that we get him for a whole week without interruptions from phone calls and emails. My in-laws see the DC every week, so not sure why they have to join our holiday as well. Unfortunately, my DH doesn’t have a problem with it, so any negative response would clearly be coming from me. I’ve asked him to ensure that it really is just one day that we see them and that we ring fence the rest of the time for us as a family.

Original poster
ConnectFortyFour · 27/08/2020 15:44

Just to be clear, dh would be happy to see them - he is very spontaneous and sociable. It's me that has the issue with it. Though i think he'd be pissed off if we had to cancel a day out because of it

OP posts:
LillianBland · 27/08/2020 15:44

Tell him that you’ll be happy for them to visit, as they can help him with the kids and give you a chance to book yourself in somewhere for a massage. 😁 I bet he soon changes his mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2020 15:45

@Foldinthecheese

Come on now, you have GOT to stand up for yourself. You are absolutely entitled to a private, uninterrupted holiday with your family, ffs. Your husband is clueless and I would be livid if I were you.

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