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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with husband for not rescheduling my 40th?

121 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/08/2020 10:12

A caveat to start: I suffer from PMDD. So it could be that. And yes I am very well aware that there are far more serious issues in the world, but I am still upset, even if unreasonably so, hence the post.

I am in Australia, so what I'm about to discuss is allowed at the moment in my state.

I turned 40 the week that lockdown started in March. I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday, but do for the kids and my husband - for his 40th a couple of years ago I planned a surprise party and had family and friends secretly fly in from all over the country. Anyway, this birthday felt significant, so I asked him to plan a dinner (12 guests) and then my gift was to be a holiday for a long weekend (involving domestic flights and a resort). He did all of this, booked a restaurant, ordered a cake, made the holiday plans. My birthday was the Friday, on the Wednesday the lockdown announcement happened. So obviously everything was cancelled, we all went into quarantine, fine.
It became obvious that he had nothing planned for the actual day instead. I had to suggest we still have my cake. I was really, really disappointed, but obviously - what can you do?
The thing is... restaurants have been reopen for 3 months now. He could have rescheduled. He didn't get me an alternative gift. So we have done nothing, I've been given nothing for my 40th this year. He has promised to make a big deal for my 41st, but that's not really the same thing is it, its my next, insignificant birthday? Or is it ok and I'm BU?
I have dropped so many hints that I would like a rescheduled party. Today I just outright told him. I got upset. He feels he DID plan me a lovely birthday and it got cancelled through no fault of his own and he'll make next year's good. But I really feel if that was me, I would have come up with SOMETHING as an alternative. Or at least gotten a different gift? I would never let his significant day go uncelebrated.
He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value. But that was me covering up how hurt I was that nothing had been planned when she asked if it would be rescheduled.
I know being upset about birthdays is childish... but is it ok to do nothing? I am the only person I know who hasn't celebrated in any way... lots have been quarantine effected but they did things like zoom parties or have had them later.
I am so upset, I feel like I'm not worth celebrating or something.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/08/2020 10:17

I feel like you are expecting him to be a mind reader.

Original poster

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/08/2020 10:19

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I feel like you are expecting him to be a mind reader.

That is what he said. I feel like it should be obvious. Thats why I posted. We do not agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/08/2020 10:20

Posted too quickly. We do not agree and I may be being unreasonable.

OP posts:

vagoftheday · 27/08/2020 10:22

I think if you wanted to reschedule you should have told him. He might have thought you wouldn't want to.

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2020 10:23

I think so much has passed that your birthday has been and gone he really isn't a mind reader you probably should have said reschedule everything for next year and just be 39 for another year

Paintedmaypole · 27/08/2020 10:24

I also think you are expecting him to be a mind reader.

m0therofdragons · 27/08/2020 10:24

My dh would definitely plan something for my 40th. My birthday was end of March so everything cancelled. We didn’t do much to be honest but both in jobs that were full on in a pandemic so focus was on that and we didn’t really celebrate. In fact I was in work but my 40th would have been postponed. I’m pretty sure we did talk about my birthday as dh was 40 in feb and I organised various things for him and he felt my birthday was a non event.

I do get frustrated that I sort cakes for dh/dc - make or buy - but I only get a birthday cake if we see my dm and she makes me one (she’d volunteer rather than dh ask). But if your dh doesn’t plan stuff then your expectations might be a bit unrealistic - that doesn’t mean he’s not lazy and shit though.

WutheredOut · 27/08/2020 10:25

It was my DHs 40th this year too, we cancelled his party - I also couldn’t get him the gift (theatre tickets) that I wanted to because the theatre isn’t selling any even for next year.
So we agreed we’d make a big fuss of his 41st. I think if that’s what your husband thinks you want then hopefully that’s what will happen.
Come back and complain next year if he doesn’t.

DrFoxtrot · 27/08/2020 10:25

I think it's lazy on his part just to assume you could wait until next year. Now you have actually told him how you feel, I'd be expecting him to pull his finger out of his arse and arrange something now!

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2020 10:26

the whole lockdown covid crisis has knocked us all and it really is hard to readjust to "normal " I think you should take a deep breath and give your husband a break.

Findahouse21 · 27/08/2020 10:27

But he has rescheduled, just not to a date of your liking.

Strictly1 · 27/08/2020 10:28

He's told you he's going to make a fuss of your 41st and until recently you'd hinted. I don't think he's done anything wrong tbh. I personally would feel the moment had gone - I recently left a job where I'd been a long time and there was talk of having a leaving do once this is over - for me it's gone now and just one of those things. If it is so important to you - understandable but not for everyone - you should have made it clear to him.

JunoJigglewick · 27/08/2020 10:29

It was my 40th recently. I had started to plan a big party, I never normally celebrate but this year I wanted to. DH was helping. Then lockdown happened.

We both planned an alternative. If I had left it to giving him hints and saying out loud I would have the big party next year then nothing would have happened. But I wanted to celebrate something so I organised it. It was fine.

Take ownership - what do you want to do to mark the occasion this year? Then do that. And plan the big event for next year - I have a feeling there as going to be a huge number of big 41st birthdays next year.

Oh! And a friend was going to have a surprise wedding on his 40th birthday this year. Surprise for the party guests , he and his DH obvs knew. Anyway, party was cancelled but they could have the wedding anyway in a park. he lives in Sydney, lots of family and friends from across the world were able to join via zoom. It wasn't the original plan but it was special.

If you can now have a celebration then make the most of it. I know that it can be disappointing when you have a plan, but you are 40. Time to take control and sort it out yourself.

Original poster

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/08/2020 10:31

He's not lazy and shit at all. He's actually really wonderful, in general. It may be that I'm feeling ground down by always making a big fuss of everyone else and their birthdays, and I just wanted one turn of it. It may just be that the whole year has been so shit. It may be the PMDD.

OP posts:

custardbear · 27/08/2020 10:32

Don't beat him up over it because it sounds like he's already doing somethjng next year. Perhaps strongly hint what you'd like him to do if you want something specific - you're almost half way to the next birthday anyway 😯

Runnerduck34 · 27/08/2020 10:32

Ime men often need clear concise instructions!
Yanbu to be a bit hurt, you went to a lot of effort for his 40th, he shouldn't have needed nudging about a birthday cake but that indicates he doesn't really think like you. Ive learnt through experience clear concise instructions are the only way forward. Tell him you are disappointed about your 40th and want to rearrange now rather than next year yanbu to feel a bit deflated about it all.

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2020 10:33

I had PMDD before my menopause I understand the feelings you are having.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/08/2020 10:35

It was my DH's 40th this year too, we had to do a zoom 'party' and that was pretty much it. I know he wants to make a huge deal of his 41st instead, because he's told me, so we're going to throw a massive party (as we should've done this year) for him next summer.

If you want yours this year, and next birthday isn't what you want to do, you need to tell him. As PP said, he's not a mind reader and if he's absolutely wonderful in all other aspects this is probably just a case of your expectations not matching each other's.

PotteringAlong · 27/08/2020 10:37

He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value

Poor guy! He’s done what you said. That seems like a really sensible plan. Just be careful you are not so much of an arse about this that you spoil your 41st when it comes around

billy1966 · 27/08/2020 10:39

OP,
So basically because things had to be cancelled, that was it and your birthday just disappeared and became a non event.

I don't think he has to be amind reader I do think a tiny bit of consideration.

Is this an aberration in your relationship, is he normally very kind and thoughtful?
If he is, then tell him to book the bloody thing and get on with it quickly...

If not....

Sometimes in life, some people just take all the kindness and care that comes their way as their god given right and it doesn't occur to them that those closest might enjoy a little consideration too.

You gave him hints which unless he is a selfish, dim twat ( which he sounds like) he just conveniently chose to ignore.

Of course it could have been rescheduled and a lovely evening. All the more after a lockdown.

I wouldn't be impressed at all.
Stop being a considerate wife.
Withdraw all the little things you usual do.
You are not a mind reader!

Also, you could organise to go away with some friends and celebrate your birthday.

When you were looking forward to it, leaving it until your 41st is silly.

cariadlet · 27/08/2020 10:40

It sounds like he went to a big effort and organised everything that you'd asked for. It's not his fault that it had to be cancelled because of Covid.

Postponing for a year and making a big fuss of your next birthday seemed a logical solution. He thought you'd be fine with that and has done nothing wrong.

Equally, if it's not what you want then you are perfectly entitled to feel disappointed. But don't be angry with him. Just communicate more clearly and tell him what you want.

billy1966 · 27/08/2020 10:42

Oh disregard my post.
If he's generally wonderful then just spell out how you feel.

Strange how none of those hints landed if there were so many of them though🙄

Catsick36 · 27/08/2020 10:44

My husband's 40th was May, we had a holiday planned, a tiger feeding experience booked and a meal out. It was all cancelled. Instead I spent a shit ton of money buying presents, had cake and afternoon tea, made pizzas on the BBQ, decorated the house and we had a party indoors all day. He was spoilt rotten. Yours should have done something like this for you.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/08/2020 10:44

I dont think you're wrong to want him to care enough about you to try to make your 40th birthday (and any birthday) special. I'd be devastated if DH did nothing for my birthday and I cant imagine not doing anything for his.

Rewis · 27/08/2020 10:45

I understand being upset that he did not organize anything on the day. IMO he should have organized a cake or a nice home cooked dinner/take away without being asked. He also should have given you something else as a present, even if it was just promising to take you out to dinner when restaurants open.

You shouldn't be upset that he took you saying that 41st would be fine at face value

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