To be upset with husband for not rescheduling my 40th?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

A caveat to start: I suffer from PMDD. So it could be that. And yes I am very well aware that there are far more serious issues in the world, but I am still upset, even if unreasonably so, hence the post.

I am in Australia, so what I'm about to discuss is allowed at the moment in my state.

I turned 40 the week that lockdown started in March. I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday, but do for the kids and my husband - for his 40th a couple of years ago I planned a surprise party and had family and friends secretly fly in from all over the country. Anyway, this birthday felt significant, so I asked him to plan a dinner (12 guests) and then my gift was to be a holiday for a long weekend (involving domestic flights and a resort). He did all of this, booked a restaurant, ordered a cake, made the holiday plans. My birthday was the Friday, on the Wednesday the lockdown announcement happened. So obviously everything was cancelled, we all went into quarantine, fine.
It became obvious that he had nothing planned for the actual day instead. I had to suggest we still have my cake. I was really, really disappointed, but obviously - what can you do?
The thing is... restaurants have been reopen for 3 months now. He could have rescheduled. He didn't get me an alternative gift. So we have done nothing, I've been given nothing for my 40th this year. He has promised to make a big deal for my 41st, but that's not really the same thing is it, its my next, insignificant birthday? Or is it ok and I'm BU?
I have dropped so many hints that I would like a rescheduled party. Today I just outright told him. I got upset. He feels he DID plan me a lovely birthday and it got cancelled through no fault of his own and he'll make next year's good. But I really feel if that was me, I would have come up with SOMETHING as an alternative. Or at least gotten a different gift? I would never let his significant day go uncelebrated.
He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value. But that was me covering up how hurt I was that nothing had been planned when she asked if it would be rescheduled.
I know being upset about birthdays is childish... but is it ok to do nothing? I am the only person I know who hasn't celebrated in any way... lots have been quarantine effected but they did things like zoom parties or have had them later.
I am so upset, I feel like I'm not worth celebrating or something.

That is what he said. I feel like it should be obvious. Thats why I posted. We do not agree.

He quite possible simply didn't realise you still wanted it all to happen a few months later. Maybe, if it had been him, he wouldn't have been bothered so it didn't criss his kind particularly. If it's what you want then tell him or just organise it yourself.

DD's 18th was just after lockdown so we lost her break away we'd planned, her in the day celebrations and her big party, plus she missed her first big night out with clubs etc. She was having 'experiences' such as posh meals out, day trips, etc as gifts from close family so all those were cancelled or couldn't happen - she ended up with money and promises of something special later on when possible.

We haven't rearranged it all as the time has passed now, so it would never be the same. Plus inside you're still only supposed to have two households with SDing still so a party or big meal is a no go.

On the day we did celebrate with cake and balloons, and lots of zoom chats - much of them she sorted herself.

Since they've been open she's met with friends herself and they've celebrated - more than just her missed their 18th. But again she has organised these herself. Obviously there's still been no clubbing.

We've not rearranged the party and I don't think we will now. Maybe just have an even bigger one for her next big birthday at 21 instead.

Dd seems happy with all that and where she's been keen to do something originally planned she's been the one to go and organise it, or ask us to see if something is possible to arrange.

So speak to your Dh and tell him what you want, or organise something yourself would be my advise.

you might be shooting yourself in the foot here - he could have something even more incredible lined up for your birthday next year. I think you're unreasonable truthfully, like you said it wasnt his fault lockdown happened, I imagine thats what your frustration is really at, probably feels really unfair that this happened on such a big birthday. but a lot of us missed things, my sisters 18th happened during lockdown - imagine how gutted she was. not a competition but try a little perspective. have a big blow out next year, by the sounds of it its sure to be great.

YANBU. I don't think your DH needs to be a mind reader to realise that rescheduling at least something at the earliest opportunity is the way to make you feel valued.

Didn't you get any gift at all? I mean, you had to tell him exactly what you wanted in the first place so it's not as if he's had an awful lot to think about.

YANBU to be disappointed but I do think you should have maybe suggested it yourself.

Your DH seems like the sort who, once the event has passed, that's it out of his mind.

He may also be the type who isn't that fussed by birthdays (mine is definitely that type).

So I think, in reality, you need to bring it up yourself and say "Look, I'm sad that my 40th year is passing unmarked because of fecking covid and now restaurants etc. are open, I'd like to reschedule my birthday to September the [birthday number] and do something nice then."

@SquarePeggyLeggy

He's not lazy and shit at all. He's actually really wonderful, in general. It may be that I'm feeling ground down by always making a big fuss of everyone else and their birthdays, and I just wanted one turn of it. It may just be that the whole year has been so shit. It may be the PMDD.

I think if generally he's lovely and makes the effort then I'd put this down to a miscommunication and just explain to him you'd really like a meal with everyone rescheduled now rather than waiting until your 41st.

I can understand you being hurt and I also relate to the whole making a fuss of everyone thing - DC, DH and I all have April/May birthdays and while they were all in lockdown I did as much as I could to make the days special even if they were just the four of us. If my birthday had rolled round and it was just another day I'd have been hurt.

I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday, but do for the kids and my husband

Maybe birthdays don't feel like a big deal to him. You organise things for his birthday but would he be upset if you didn't?
If you don't normally make a big deal out of your own birthday, does he think that's what you prefer? Also have you previously told him you'd prefer someone to make your birthdays feel more important?

You say your husband has planned a do over for your 41st and you say "it's not the same though is it?" But neither is any other day! Your 40th has happened. It's unfortunate but it's passed.

If you'd like to do something to commemorate this years birthday you should communicate that clearly.

Yes, it would have been nice for him to do it without hinting from you but it hasn't happened. So resolving it would involve just asking/telling him how you'd feel and what you would like him to do.

He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value.

And why wouldn't he? You didn't tell him otherwise. Again, he can't second guess you and if you've said this to a friend and seemed fine about it, then why wouldn't he take that at face value.

I've taken DD's comments about her missed party and not being bothered about having one later this year or next year when she's 19, at fave value. She's said she's not bothered, the day/times passed etc and would rather just wait til her next big birthday. So yes, I trusted her to say what she meant and taken it at face value.

Again, if you don't mean it you have to tell him or organise something yourself.

YABU. It means nothing celebrating your birthday on a random day months later. Makes much more sense going all out on your next birthday instead. We’ve had to cancel my dds 13th and oh’s 40th, two big birthdays. Also missed my 35th and ds’s 4th. We’re just going to do the celebrations next year

Why not just tell him. He isn't a mind reader and it would save you all this anxiousness.

YABVU. He’s taking your words at face value.

So you didn't even get a gift for your 40th? And on the day he made no effort to make it special, even though you were in lockdown?

Then no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and he's being thoughtless and unkind.

YABU not to have been clear with him. There was a thread here a few weeks ago from a woman who had had to cancel her big 40th birthday holiday and her husband had arranged a small socially distance family barbecue instead. She didn't want that and just want to wallow a bit in her disappointment about the cancelled trip. (Which I thought was fine, many didn't).

But it sounds like you wanted what her husband did and she wanted what your husband did. So neither reaction is "obvious"as being what you want.

My oldest friend missed celebrating her 40th due to having a new baby and then being in a car accident. Nothing too serious but enough to put her off wanting a big party at the time. She had arranged a meal for 12 of us for her 41st instead which got covid-cancelled. I think we will be making a big deal of her 42nd. And why not? It will be just as much fun as if we had done it on her 40th. It's totally arbitrary to celebrate 0s instead of 1s or 2s etc.

Well hoping things are more normal next year so I understand him thinking let's do it then when it can be the celebration originally planned, you could argue that anything this year would just be second best.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, just different points of view and if he genuinely thought that was what you wanted because of what you said that seems reasonable to me. Having said that we don't really do birthdays, I was horrified to be found in scruff order clearing up after sick dog when the whole family arrived for my 60th. I accept they meant well but it wasn't what I'd have chosen.

Your 40th was five months ago. Lockdown happened. You didn't get your big moment, but it's so far in the past now, why worry about it? Your 50th will be here faster than you think. Have a big do for that. I've recently had a much bigger in numbers birthday and did nothing special and I am not remotely bothered. Sorry to be so blunt, but no 41st bash is going to be the same.

You turned 40 not 4, the day has been and gone. Do you really want the whole world to stand up and yippee you because of your 40th. birthday?
I am in the category that why should an individual celebrate an event that they didn't actually have anything to do with? (Apart from coming through the birth canal or being pulled out during a ceaserian)Mums and Dads should be celebrated on birthdays and be congratulated for bringing a child to this earth

i think most would be disappointed with no card/no gift/not even a takeaway and cake on the day.

Surely that is a minimum one should expect?

I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting a celebration before next year. But equally I don't think he's been unreasonable for taking what you said to a friend about having a big 41st at face value.

I think you just need to say sorry there's been miscommunication, I would like a celebration this year. And then let him get on with it.

OP I am totally on your side with this.

It's your birthday, you had already given him ideas and suggestions for what you wanted, unless you turned around to him at any point over lockdown or the last three months and specifically said you did not want to celebrate your 40th, then yes, he absolutely should have rescheduled.

@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 do you really not understand why people celebrate their own birthdays? Baffling.

Also, OP hasn't asked for the world to yippee her, it's perfectly normal to have a party or celebration even more so when it's a big decade birthday.

Maybe you need to celebrate your birthday a bit more. Have a bit of cake, enjoy the fact you've made another trip around the sun.

I think he should have made some kind of gesture like a cake on the actual day yes, but otherwise there was an epic thread on MN about hinting (it is really, really not popular) so as you were so specific about the plans for the day I do think you needed to do the same for the rescheduling. I think you are wrong to equate your DH's inaction to you not being worth celebrating because it doesn't sound like that at all.

A big-o party that I was due to go to has been rescheduled to next year now, they did try to reschedule for later this year but realised even that was unlikely to go ahead.

It really bugs me when people say 'I did this and this and this for his birthday' did you do it because you wanted him to have a wonderful day or did you do it so you'd get the same in return?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, I think he’s a lazy arse who needs to show initiative.

If he didn't even give you the cake, buy you a present then that is shit.

Does he need to spell out to you exactly what he wants for his birthday? I bet not.

Just get him a shop cake and card for his birthday then see if he thinks it's reasonable that you couldn't read his mind.

[quote JunoJigglewick]@IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 do you really not understand why people celebrate their own birthdays? Baffling.

Also, OP hasn't asked for the world to yippee her, it's perfectly normal to have a party or celebration even more so when it's a big decade birthday.

Maybe you need to celebrate your birthday a bit more. Have a bit of cake, enjoy the fact you've made another trip around the sun.[/quote]
If you find it baffling that I don't understand why people make such a thing about their own birthdays, that's not my problem. To have a party or celebration is OK but organise it yourself and don't expect people to know what you want and expect. If you give instructions to others about your expectations you can only expect to be disappointed. Where I live, the "birthday person" plans, invites and pays for all the guests. No disappointment, no failed expectations.