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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with husband for not rescheduling my 40th?

121 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/08/2020 10:12

A caveat to start: I suffer from PMDD. So it could be that. And yes I am very well aware that there are far more serious issues in the world, but I am still upset, even if unreasonably so, hence the post.

I am in Australia, so what I'm about to discuss is allowed at the moment in my state.

I turned 40 the week that lockdown started in March. I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday, but do for the kids and my husband - for his 40th a couple of years ago I planned a surprise party and had family and friends secretly fly in from all over the country. Anyway, this birthday felt significant, so I asked him to plan a dinner (12 guests) and then my gift was to be a holiday for a long weekend (involving domestic flights and a resort). He did all of this, booked a restaurant, ordered a cake, made the holiday plans. My birthday was the Friday, on the Wednesday the lockdown announcement happened. So obviously everything was cancelled, we all went into quarantine, fine.
It became obvious that he had nothing planned for the actual day instead. I had to suggest we still have my cake. I was really, really disappointed, but obviously - what can you do?
The thing is... restaurants have been reopen for 3 months now. He could have rescheduled. He didn't get me an alternative gift. So we have done nothing, I've been given nothing for my 40th this year. He has promised to make a big deal for my 41st, but that's not really the same thing is it, its my next, insignificant birthday? Or is it ok and I'm BU?
I have dropped so many hints that I would like a rescheduled party. Today I just outright told him. I got upset. He feels he DID plan me a lovely birthday and it got cancelled through no fault of his own and he'll make next year's good. But I really feel if that was me, I would have come up with SOMETHING as an alternative. Or at least gotten a different gift? I would never let his significant day go uncelebrated.
He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value. But that was me covering up how hurt I was that nothing had been planned when she asked if it would be rescheduled.
I know being upset about birthdays is childish... but is it ok to do nothing? I am the only person I know who hasn't celebrated in any way... lots have been quarantine effected but they did things like zoom parties or have had them later.
I am so upset, I feel like I'm not worth celebrating or something.

OP posts:
DrFoxtrot · 27/08/2020 12:26

How do you feel about turning 40 @SquarePeggyLeggy ?

I hated it and I think it's because I'd expected to be at a different point in my life by 40. I just wondered whether any feelings like that could be making the situation feel worse.

lborgia · 27/08/2020 12:33

OMGYANBU.

Just because he did ALL this work (really, so hard, no one has ever worked so hard to put together a dinner for 12 and a weekend away Hmm), doesn’t get him off the hook for the rest of the year!

It was all cancelled weeks before, it’s not that a present didn’t arrive in time.

Even if you do accept that the big stuff will be next year, what on earth is the thinking that you don’t need a card, a cake, something in ribbon?! FFS, can you imagine doing this to your mother, your child, your friend?!

I’m so over this “birthdays are for kids” crap. It’s symbolic. It’s one of the only times women get to sit back and be made a fuss of.

I may be biased because it’s my 50th tomorrow, and I know for damn sure the only things happening are things I’ve organised. For me, it’s the final straw. And I don’t have PMDD.

You gave him a very specific list of ways to celebrate, so you did the thinking already. All he really did was some admin.

FFS. Again.

lborgia · 27/08/2020 12:35

@ClementineWoolysocks- there is a 3rd option, she does it because it’s lovely to be generous and give someone a great day, especially if you love them. Hmm

EKGEMS · 27/08/2020 12:41

Two years ago I had plans to fly to my family and my twin sister was doing so also for our birthday weekend (I was under investigation for breast cancer with biopsy scheduled day after I arrived back home) but my plane had mechanical failure on the runway and flight was cancelled and I would have less than 24 hours with family if flew out next day so my plans were cancelled.I was devastated but my hubby still purchased a cake and a card and we went to the big city near my home for the day to visit a museum of my choice! That's what happened because my husband wanted to improve my shit birthday. Your husband COULD have done something

Dohorseseatapples · 27/08/2020 12:45

You know, group events are rubbish at the moment even though restaurants have opened again.
If I were you I would plan a BIG 40 +1 party next year!
2020 has been cancelled pretty much and if you book now you could get a great venue for next year. People would be much more ready to attend too!

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 12:48

It wouldn’t occur to me to reschedule anyone’s birthday, husband or child, and I’d think it a bit silly if either wished to reschedule mine. I’d just do it the following year if I still wanted it.

As the first poster said, he’s not a mind reader. If you wish him to do something then ask him, don’t say nothing and play the martyr.

I don’t understand why you started off with your pmdd, have you not bothered about this until the last few days in the run up to your period? Is that why you think it might be that? Previously you didn’t care?

Dohorseseatapples · 27/08/2020 12:51

You turned 40 not 4, the day has been and gone. Do you really want the whole world to stand up and yippee you because of your 40th. birthday?

What kind of nasty comment is that
IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 ?

Where did the OP say or even imply that?

I’m not interested in birthdays but your comment says more about you than the OP.

EKGEMS · 27/08/2020 12:53

Oh,yes,here we go let's call the OP insulting names all dressed up in a username. Simply because you wouldn't reschedule a birthday doesn't make this woman silly

sashh · 27/08/2020 12:55

Don't do anything for your 41st but do something just before your 41st and have a 'last day of being 40' instead.

That way it is still in your birthday year.

TheSoapyFrog · 27/08/2020 12:56

I don't think YABU for wanting the day marked somehow - there are lots of things he could have done to make the day special at home for you.
However I do think YABU for thinking the birthday should be rescheduled later in the year. This would never have occurred to me. The moment is gone, it wouldn't be as special. For me, my birthday is either celebrated on the day or the weekend before or after but other than that I wouldn't bother.
It does sound like he's going to make your next birthday special and as you wanted it this year, so I'd be happy with that.

DonLewis · 27/08/2020 12:58

Oh, to have done nothing on the day was shit.

Both mine and my dhs birthday fell in lockdown. Mine was a party that we rescheduled for my 41st. But, as we knew lockdown was coming but hadn't been announced, we had a tiny gathering 3 days before. And the actual day was made lovely.

For his, we were out of lockdown and his parents were coming down for the night from Manchester on the Saturday. On Friday night, Manchester was out into lockdown and they couldn't come. So I arranged for a small party of local mates instead.

It's what you do, surely? You don't just do nothing! That'd have been heartless!

Poptart4 · 27/08/2020 13:05

YANBU 40 is a big birthday and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be celebrated.

I agree hes not a mind reader but it sucks when you have to tell people to make an effort for you. You want him to want to spoil you and theres nothing wrong with that.

Cheesess · 27/08/2020 13:05

This year birthdays don’t count.
You’re turning 40 next year Wink

Irelate · 27/08/2020 13:05

YABVVVU.

If you want a 40th now, then take ownership and organise it. You're not a 7 year old that needs your parent to do it. Grow up.

OhCaptain · 27/08/2020 13:11

Ach, I don’t know.

He planned something that got cancelled. Said he’d do it next birthday instead. Heard you say you’d do something big next birthday instead...

I don’t think he’s done anything other than take you at face value.

Hinting was clearly a waste of time. If you wanted to celebrate it this year instead of next birthday you should have just said.

canyoucallbacklater · 27/08/2020 13:14

Posters on here seem to have minimal expectations of what partners provide for birthdays. There's a thought process if you're beyond sixteen and still want to celebrate you're the unreasonable one.

I don't think you're out of order at all, OP. There's nothing worse than putting your heart and soul into making sure a loved one has a nice time and not being met with the same enthusiasm.

He could have planned a lovely day lockdown or not and rescheduled the party - you would have done. Unfortunately, he didn't. Hopefully he will next year.

Treat yourself to something lovely, regardless. It's been a crappy year all round x

ChrisPrattsFace · 27/08/2020 13:16

You can’t be upset at someone because they don’t behave the same as you. In that, you say you’re upset because YOU always make a fuss of birthdays.
If you wanted it rescheduled or wanted something different after lockdown started then you should have said as soon as it happened.
He’s not a mind reader, he probably won’t Even read the hints you’ve been doing for months.

Nosuchluck · 27/08/2020 13:18

Just plan something for your 41st. You’re a grown up and quite capable of planning things. If you want a belated 40th then plan that.
I don’t get this waiting around for other people to arrange stuff for you. I always plan my own birthdays and do fabulous things. Lots of my friends do nothing and then mumble something about their husbands not arranging things.

Ginfordinner · 27/08/2020 13:21

It never occurs to my husband to make a deal out of anyone's birthday or Christmas. They aren't important to him.

He has many times said that he does not want to be made to feel guilty because it didn't occur to him and has specifically asked me to remind him that my birthday/DD's birthday is coming up. He doesn't want hints, he wants to be told. Some men are just wired this way.

madcatladyforever · 27/08/2020 13:22

I'd have been properly pissed off. My ex did nothing whatsoever for my 50th and I always pushed the boat out for his big birthdays because they were important to him.
You shouldn't have to remind him, he knows it's important to you and could have done something - anything to make the day special.
That was the last straw for me, I just thought to myself he just doesn't care enough about me to do anything or help me with anything and he's been like it for years. You make an effort for someone you love and you shouldn't have to tell him.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 27/08/2020 13:22

@Irelate

YABVVVU.

If you want a 40th now, then take ownership and organise it. You're not a 7 year old that needs your parent to do it. Grow up.

I couldn't agree more. You want to celebrate, then invite your friends/family to celebrate with you. Don't expect others to do it for you.
madcatladyforever · 27/08/2020 13:23

"Some men are just wired this way."

No sorry, some men are just lazy and can't be bothered.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/08/2020 13:27

He could still have made the day a bit special. DH had a birthday early in lockdown so the dinner and gift of a weekend away had to be cancelled. I still made a fuss - he got breakfast in bed, a card and a takeaway and bottle of champagne that night.

I think it's pretty mean and thoughtless to just put off any celebration for another year.

theDudesmummy · 27/08/2020 13:28

I have not RTFT yet but my DH is in a similar position.

His 50th is in a couple of weeks. There was due to be a huge party (within a big group holiday) abroad, on a beach, the same as I had for my 50th several years ago, when friends and family travelled from all over. (Because DH's birthday is on 8 September we were going to do it on the same day ie the 8th, but in August, because of course many people cannot be on holiday in September).

Anyway, obviously it could not happen. I told everyone DH will remain 49 for another year and we will have it on the same day in the same place next year. He is happy with that (well, what else can he be under the circumstances). On his actual birthday I will make him his favourite food and be very nice to him (we don't do birthday presents). I offered to do something more but he does not want that (I am sure we wil be Zooming and Skyping plenty all day).

WendyHoused · 27/08/2020 14:01

Poor guy.

You used your words (as I used to tell my kids) and said you'd just have it next year.

Then you did hints and nudges in the hopes he'd do something totally different to what you'd said. That's not communicating AT ALL and is pretty manipulative - or at least passive aggressive.

My MIL's like this - won't say what she wants but expects everyone to work it out or she feels aggrieved. It's exhausting.

Either have the party next year, arrange something yourself, or accept that the momant has passed - sigh and move on.

Lots of us have missed very significant occasions this year (including a 75th, 80th, two 18ths, a 21st and a wedding n my immediate family). We've all adjusted our expectations now.