To be upset with husband for not rescheduling my 40th?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

A caveat to start: I suffer from PMDD. So it could be that. And yes I am very well aware that there are far more serious issues in the world, but I am still upset, even if unreasonably so, hence the post.

I am in Australia, so what I'm about to discuss is allowed at the moment in my state.

I turned 40 the week that lockdown started in March. I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday, but do for the kids and my husband - for his 40th a couple of years ago I planned a surprise party and had family and friends secretly fly in from all over the country. Anyway, this birthday felt significant, so I asked him to plan a dinner (12 guests) and then my gift was to be a holiday for a long weekend (involving domestic flights and a resort). He did all of this, booked a restaurant, ordered a cake, made the holiday plans. My birthday was the Friday, on the Wednesday the lockdown announcement happened. So obviously everything was cancelled, we all went into quarantine, fine.
It became obvious that he had nothing planned for the actual day instead. I had to suggest we still have my cake. I was really, really disappointed, but obviously - what can you do?
The thing is... restaurants have been reopen for 3 months now. He could have rescheduled. He didn't get me an alternative gift. So we have done nothing, I've been given nothing for my 40th this year. He has promised to make a big deal for my 41st, but that's not really the same thing is it, its my next, insignificant birthday? Or is it ok and I'm BU?
I have dropped so many hints that I would like a rescheduled party. Today I just outright told him. I got upset. He feels he DID plan me a lovely birthday and it got cancelled through no fault of his own and he'll make next year's good. But I really feel if that was me, I would have come up with SOMETHING as an alternative. Or at least gotten a different gift? I would never let his significant day go uncelebrated.
He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value. But that was me covering up how hurt I was that nothing had been planned when she asked if it would be rescheduled.
I know being upset about birthdays is childish... but is it ok to do nothing? I am the only person I know who hasn't celebrated in any way... lots have been quarantine effected but they did things like zoom parties or have had them later.
I am so upset, I feel like I'm not worth celebrating or something.

For big birthday I buy myself the luxury present I’ve always wanted my 50th was my 65 inch tv I love it and saved for years I’m already saving for my 60th.

Not pmdd. Just you being unreasonable and expecting him to mind read. Your birthday is gone. 5 months ago...Let it go. Wait till your cool party next year. This is not worth being a sooky lala over.

[quote lborgia]@ClementineWoolysocks- there is a 3rd option, she does it because it’s lovely to be generous and give someone a great day, especially if you love them. [/quote]
That's why I said 'did you do it because you wanted him to have a wonderful day' or words to that effect.
If you do something because it's lovely to be generous then why bring it up in the context but I did this for him so he should do that for me. It completely negates the lovely to be generous for it's own sake thing imo.

I think you have cause to be a bit upset he didn’t do anything to make the actual day special (especially because of the disappointment with the party being cancelled) without being prompted. And YANBU to want it rearranged now instead of waiting a year. I think YABU to expect him to know you want it rearranged now instead of waiting a year - both are reasonable options, you can’t expect him to just know that you prefer the “now” option especially if you’ve told other people the “next year” option is fine.

I think you’ve built up some resentment over the years regarding the imbalance in how much emotional labour the two of you put into the relationship, and you may be making a lot of assumptions about what he really likes. Perhaps some couples counselling (maybe individual counselling too, if you feel a lot of resentment) to talk more about expectations you have of each other and how to keep your relationship working for both of you would be beneficial.

Ffs @SquarePeggyLeggy organise it yourself instead of sounding so full of pity for yourself. Your 40 not 5

Given the global pandemic situation I would have expected to treat the next year birthday as the big celebration. So he is doing the sensible thing I think.

And I’m someone who makes a big deal of birthday

You haven’t communicated what you want and in fact have said the opposite. If I were your partner I would be cross that’s you’re behaving so passively and trying to manipulate me. Nasty nasty behaviour.

Next January (or thereabouts) remind him that you want your 41st to be special. Be clear about what you want: the party, the weekend getaway, or whatever you want. It'll be just as much fun next year.

Meanwhile, treat yourself to a late 40th birthday gift.

I think he should have done something to make the day itself feel special but I wonder what his options realistically were for this? I don't know about Australia but in the UK we were told during lockdown not to make unnecessary trips to shops etc or to go out for leisure except briefly for exercise - if that was the case for you too then most of the things I'd try and do to make a birthday special at short notice - a lovely home cooked meal, a big present, a special day out, etc - would have been really hard/impossible. It was also really weird at the beginning of lockdown because no one was quite sure what they were allowed to do, so it was harder than even a few weeks later. So I can see how he might have struggled to come up with a replacement celebration, though I think he should have acknowledged that and said it was a shame.

I think the plan to delay to the next birthday is the most obvious and sensible one, though, so if that's not what you wanted you should have been explicit. That is what everyone I know who had a big birthday during lockdown did, and I'd be quite surprised if they announced that they were now doing it in November, when their birthday was in May - that feels much less satisfactory an option than waiting until next May, to me. It's your birthday so if you don't agree that's perfectly reasonable but I do think it's not fair to expect him to know that unless he was told.

@Hardbackwriter

I think he should have done something to make the day itself feel special but I wonder what his options realistically were for this? I don't know about Australia but in the UK we were told during lockdown not to make unnecessary trips to shops etc or to go out for leisure except briefly for exercise - if that was the case for you too then most of the things I'd try and do to make a birthday special at short notice - a lovely home cooked meal, a big present, a special day out, etc - would have been really hard/impossible. It was also really weird at the beginning of lockdown because no one was quite sure what they were allowed to do, so it was harder than even a few weeks later. So I can see how he might have struggled to come up with a replacement celebration, though I think he should have acknowledged that and said it was a shame.

I think the plan to delay to the next birthday is the most obvious and sensible one, though, so if that's not what you wanted you should have been explicit. That is what everyone I know who had a big birthday during lockdown did, and I'd be quite surprised if they announced that they were now doing it in November, when their birthday was in May - that feels much less satisfactory an option than waiting until next May, to me. It's your birthday so if you don't agree that's perfectly reasonable but I do think it's not fair to expect him to know that unless he was told.

This where we netted out.

And yes, feelings about turning 40 definitely played into it too as a previous poster said.

Definitely feeling like “just a Mum” and invisible and like I’ve lost myself. Then to not feel celebrated sort of affirmed this. Feeling inconsequential and down.

I’ll be clear I want something really special next year. And work on these feelings for myself.

Sorry Clementine, I misunderstood what you were saying, I thought you were offering either "look at me and all I've done to give you a great day", or "I do all this so you'll do the same for me".

The bit I really don't understand is how she didn't get a card, or a supermarket cake. It sounds as if it went from all singing, all dancing, to literally a Thursday. That was the sad/ weird bit.

Anyway, I've just woken up to my birthday, and absolutely f all is happening, so why am I surprised.

Oh, and in Sydney you can still go out to eat, let alone pop out for a card!

I agree with those who say people are not mind-readers and that you really should be direct with your dh rather than hinting. To those who think that he should have shown more initiative: while I agree that adults should show initiative about running their own lives and about sharing household responsibilities and not always need to be 'mothered', I think that they should NOT make assumptions or take too much 'initiative' about the gifts that they give to others, but should seek to respect the other person's wishes and preferences.

Some people react to depression over reaching a certain age by NOT wishing to have the age milestone acknowledged and celebrated. I am certainly one of these, and would be very hurt if someone close to me disregarded my expressed wishes and decided that the best way to 'spoil' me was to make a fuss over celebrating something that I hated! (Fortunately this has not happened to me with anyone really close, but it has sometimes happened with less close friends and I do find it hurtful!)

Anyway I realize that this post has devolved into a personal rant, but I just wanted to point out to some other posters that it's not always obvious that someone would want a fuss made over an age-milestone, and sometimes the best way to show that one cares is to follow the person's instructions about such things.

To the OP: I think you should tell your dh explicitly what you want. Given that he is not usually lazy or indifferent, I doubt that he is being so now. I am sorry that you were disappointed in your birthday hopes, but it seems to me that it's mainly the fault of this horrible virus, not of your dh.

Yanbu to be upset e doesn't know you well enough to know. Tabu to hint and hope he'll guess when it's clearly past that point

Mine totally forgot my 40th.... he was overseas for work. When he came home from his trip - it was for a big sporting event that he was support staff for, he kept going to the return parties for the welcome home to the national heroes like he was one of them. He couldn’t let it go - he had been away for 20 weeks, leaving me with three little kids, abusive, aggressive neighbours, a dying father, an abusive mother and then he forgot my birthday. Wondered why I told him to book a counsellor or a solicitor for the following week.

@justilou1 - interesting, I'm wondering whether to suggest the same... just can't bear to do it today. Feels horrible to think my 50th might be the day the final straw broke.

I think my conclusion is: not bu to be upset my birthday wasn’t marked better. Am bu to put it all on my husband. Am bu to not have communicated better and been disappointed. Not bu to feel like crap about the whole thing being so shit due to factors beyond control.

@lborgia

Sorry Clementine, I misunderstood what you were saying, I thought you were offering either "look at me and all I've done to give you a great day", or "I do all this so you'll do the same for me".

The bit I really don't understand is how she didn't get a card, or a supermarket cake. It sounds as if it went from all singing, all dancing, to literally a Thursday. That was the sad/ weird bit.

Anyway, I've just woken up to my birthday, and absolutely f all is happening, so why am I surprised.

Happy birthday Iborgia! You deserve a nice day.

I’m 48 now... looming closer to my half century. Suspect no matter what happens on that day DH won’t get it right! I hope the world is open again and I can be on an international flight. (Might be in everyone’a best interests, let’s be honest...)

I think he should have made some effort on the actual day.

Before lockdown we had several big events pencilled in, 40th birthdays, golden wedding anniversaries etc.
Only one has rescheduled, and in all honesty it shouldn't have because it broke guidelines and social distancing was ignored, despite saying they were doing it safely.