Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be upset with husband for not rescheduling my 40th?

121 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/08/2020 10:12

A caveat to start: I suffer from PMDD. So it could be that. And yes I am very well aware that there are far more serious issues in the world, but I am still upset, even if unreasonably so, hence the post.

I am in Australia, so what I'm about to discuss is allowed at the moment in my state.

I turned 40 the week that lockdown started in March. I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday, but do for the kids and my husband - for his 40th a couple of years ago I planned a surprise party and had family and friends secretly fly in from all over the country. Anyway, this birthday felt significant, so I asked him to plan a dinner (12 guests) and then my gift was to be a holiday for a long weekend (involving domestic flights and a resort). He did all of this, booked a restaurant, ordered a cake, made the holiday plans. My birthday was the Friday, on the Wednesday the lockdown announcement happened. So obviously everything was cancelled, we all went into quarantine, fine.
It became obvious that he had nothing planned for the actual day instead. I had to suggest we still have my cake. I was really, really disappointed, but obviously - what can you do?
The thing is... restaurants have been reopen for 3 months now. He could have rescheduled. He didn't get me an alternative gift. So we have done nothing, I've been given nothing for my 40th this year. He has promised to make a big deal for my 41st, but that's not really the same thing is it, its my next, insignificant birthday? Or is it ok and I'm BU?
I have dropped so many hints that I would like a rescheduled party. Today I just outright told him. I got upset. He feels he DID plan me a lovely birthday and it got cancelled through no fault of his own and he'll make next year's good. But I really feel if that was me, I would have come up with SOMETHING as an alternative. Or at least gotten a different gift? I would never let his significant day go uncelebrated.
He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value. But that was me covering up how hurt I was that nothing had been planned when she asked if it would be rescheduled.
I know being upset about birthdays is childish... but is it ok to do nothing? I am the only person I know who hasn't celebrated in any way... lots have been quarantine effected but they did things like zoom parties or have had them later.
I am so upset, I feel like I'm not worth celebrating or something.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 27/08/2020 10:46

Wait I'm confused - are you cross that he hasn't planned your 41st yet, or that he didn't do anything on the actual day of your 40th? (Or both!)

I think YANBU to have expected him to mark the actual day of your 40th as you might any other year, even if just between yourselves at home. But YABU to have expected him to already have swung into action planning the big party next year.

Florencex · 27/08/2020 10:46

I turned 50 in April my big birthday plans were spoilt too, just as my 40th plans (holiday) were cancelled because of the ash cloud in Iceland.

We have decided to make my 51st birthday something special, make it a significant birthday. To me that would be more meaningful than doing something on a random day in September. Perhaps that is what your husband is thinking and you did after all indicate your agreement.

I plan everything myself as I know what I want and I like planning. If you want a meal out, you could organise it, it won’t take away from the enjoyment.

CloudPop · 27/08/2020 10:47

He should have asked - do you want to reschedule, or do something on your next birthday.

ShellsAndSunrises · 27/08/2020 10:47

He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value

He did what you vocally said. He’s usually wonderful. If you’ve changed your mind, you need to talk to him...

But I’d second the advice to be really careful that having your arse in your hands over all this doesn’t ruin the celebration, whether you have it now or next year. You’re edging quite close to forced fun.

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 27/08/2020 10:48

I wouldn’t expect the party or weekend months later, would expect to reschedule for the next birthday, but would absolutely be disappointed that he didn’t get an alternative small gift and think about the cake on the day.

Xiaoxiong · 27/08/2020 10:49

I just reread your OP and saw this:

I never, ever make a big deal for my birthday

so where I say above "YANBU to have expected him to mark the actual day as you might every other year" - do you usually do nothing at all for your birthday? In which case I don't think it was unreasonable for him to have reverted to doing nothing at all, as if this year is actually your 39th birthday again, and next year is really your big 40th. Especially after what you said on the phone (which I don't think he was U to have taken at face value).

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 10:49

You told him to book several things, he did. You should've told him to reschedule as it sounds like your husband clearly can't figure this out for himself. YABU

rorosemary · 27/08/2020 10:50

Can you suggest that you celebrate 40 and 40 weeks instead? Or something similar?

MorrisZapp · 27/08/2020 10:50

I'm guessing next year will be full of people celebrating their 31, 41, 51st birthdays! It's just not a goer this year. I don't think he can really be blamed here, as others have said, the moment has passed. It's rubbish, you poor thing.

AmberShadesofGold · 27/08/2020 10:51

Sorry OP, but I think not saying what you want and then being upset because you don't get it, is a fools game. Even more so when you've said that you want something different (to make a big deal of your 41st).

Tiredmum100 · 27/08/2020 10:52

My dh was 40 recently. I had a trip planned to Amsterdam which we had to cancel through no fault of our own obviulsly. He still had his present on his birthday ad cake and we had a small out door BBQ with some family and friedns. It wasn't exactly what we had planned but unfortunately its the way it had to be. We are planning on going away again next year. Still I think he could have made an effort to make the actual day special for you.

seayork2020 · 27/08/2020 10:54

Why not just book the event you want yourself then you get what you want sure you would not book your own surprise party but an event you know about just book it

If i want something from my husband or him from me we make it clear or we just organise it ourselves,

We are not mind readers to each other and i have never done mind games, sure we surprise each other sometimes but in addition plans

KetoPenguin · 27/08/2020 10:57

OP you said you told him what you wanted to do for your birthday in the first place, so it is not unreasonable that you should tell him what you want to do for the alternative. It may be that you have quite strong preferences about things and he likes to facilitate those to make sure you are pleased with what he gets you. I do that with my dh he likes things a certain way and I tend to wait to see what he asks for rather than do a surprise.

tornadoalley · 27/08/2020 11:00

Nothing is ‘obvious’ to men I’m afraid. They don’t see the dishwasher needs emptying or tables clearing and probably not birthdays rearranging. Sorry if this sounds sexist, but posts on here confirm men are good at something’s, but tend to be less flexible. Great if you tell them things that need doing, but not mind readers.

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2020 11:01

He should have thought of doing something small on the day itself. I don't know why it wouldn't occur that you would want cake on the day.

I was supposed to be taking my dh on a holiday for his birthday in May which was all cancelled. We still had cake, nice dinner at home, wine and I bought him presents to unwrap

It's really not that much to ask

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 27/08/2020 11:04

I think your real mistake was lying to your friend about the fact that doing it all next year was OK with you. If he'd overheard you telling the truth instead that you were horribly disappointed and hoping for a replacement celebration soon he wouldn't have needed to be a mind reader. I think it was a bit shit not to ask you what you'd like as a replacement present though. No one needs to be a mind reader to know that birthdays = presents (and cake). So you're both BU tbh.

Why did you pretend to your friend?

Rosebel · 27/08/2020 11:05

At least he tried to arrange something and has said he'll do it next year. I arranged my own 40th party which was cancelled due to lockdown. I got nothing on my birthday except a card from my children and no suggestion we'll do it next year.
I understand being upset you didn't get anything on your actual birthday as you should have got something but it sounds like your husband was planning to celebrate but just later than planned originally.

VainAbigail · 27/08/2020 11:06

41st birthdays will be all the rage next year.

Notverygrownup · 27/08/2020 11:09

I totally sympathise with you. My dh is really good on planning birthday stuff, particularly surprises, but I have recently discovered - after 20 years of marriage - that it would not occur to him to enjoy the build up to something, by planning it, chatting through the options, choosing what to do, etc etc. I love holidays. But I get triple enjoyment out of
a) planning them
b) going on them
c) looking at the photos and reliving them.

He doesn't! B is all that matters, and the rest is just necessity.

You live and learn about each other! If your dh is generally brilliant, then as others have said, he can't read your mind, and may struggle to understand how you are feeling.

Happy 40th. Let him make a big fuss of you next year, but tell him that as well - not instead - you are also going to order a big cake/copious amounts of champagne/having a morning in bed/friends for lunch whatever floats your boat for early September, for your 40.5 birthday celebration.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/08/2020 11:15

I can never understand these hints or just not talking about the situation between couples. I mean, does the subject just never come up between you??

He had arrange loads, then lockdown came, was the subject of what to do instead not ever discussed? I just can't imagine it.

It sounds like you make a lot of effort for other people's birthdays and they didn't used to for your. You nearly got it this year but lockdown occurred. Let this be the start of you never hinting ever again but having clear discussions with your husband before your next birthday about what you would like.

And start with this year as a practice. Tell him what you would like to do for this year. Ask him to organise it. Sit back and enjoy.

good luck

piscean10 · 27/08/2020 11:16

You need to give your head a bit of a wobble. You said it was ok. And now you are throwing your toys. He can't win.

WhatamessIgotinto · 27/08/2020 11:16

He did hear me telling my friend that it was ok, I'd have a big 41st and said he took that at face value.

I don't understand, why wouldn't he take this at face value? DH was 50 in May, everything was cancelled. We had a lovely day at home (I agree that your DH could have made an effort on the day), but I haven't arranged anything else at the moment and told him that we'll have a party for his 51st. He's happy with that. I also feel like you're expecting your DH to be a mind reader.

Polnm · 27/08/2020 11:17

You can’t reschedule a birthday.

The moment had gone and you need to move on

PrincessBuggerPants · 27/08/2020 11:19

No, YANBU. He has been a bit shit.

FWIW I was pretty pissed off with my husband for not doing ANYTHING for Mother's Day as he (and the rest of the country) were in a flap about impending lockdown, which was announced the next day.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/08/2020 11:19

@Nottherealslimshady

I dont think you're wrong to want him to care enough about you to try to make your 40th birthday (and any birthday) special. I'd be devastated if DH did nothing for my birthday and I cant imagine not doing anything for his.

yeah this really

Flip

1 2 3 4 5