Have you and your partner/spouse both managed to have successful careers whilst raising children, or has one career suffered?

[Dr1ppin]

I keep reading that you ‘can’t have it all’ and something has to give. My husband is currently the breadwinner and works long hours but I want to start focusing on my career now (he has never stopped me and has only ever encouraged me). I just wondered how realistic it is of me to expect to be able to focus on my career whilst raising children especially if my husband works long hours? Our children are 18 months and newborn. Is it going to be one or the other for me?

Neither of our careers have suffered, however we are the exception, rather than the rule, and our circumstances and the ability to spend money on outsourcing helps infinitely.

One of the reasons we have both continued to do well is that we met in our 30's, so were reasonably well established in our careers before starting a family.

Between us we currently earn just under £200k, with me earning twice what DH does.
This means we are able to buy in:

• childcare (nursery)
• cleaning
• laundry
• gardening
• window cleaning
• DIY/odd jobs

We also have a set of brilliant retired grandparents who help with the children, and are available at the drop of a hat, and are so helpful whenever DC are ill and can't go to nursery.

Covid has benefitted us hugely in that we used to have long commutes into the City, now we're both working from home with the children. For the past 5 months we've eaten every meal together as a family, which had been wonderful. Both our workplaces have said we will be working from home for the foreseeable, which means that when DC goes to school in a couple of weeks, one of us will be able to drop off and pick up.

What's also necessary is a partner who will share the load; DH is not good at taking the initiative around the house, however he is good at taking instructions, I've made my peace with advising him on what jobs need doing when, then he gets on with it.

The type of career you both have is also a factor. I work in finance, DH in IT. Our busy times at work fall differently, so one of us sometimes needs to spend more time working than looking after the children, and vice versa. I've found that you really have to work as a team, and to try and understand where the other person is coming from.

You can do it. Dh and I both work full time, earn good money and progressing well. However we have a bit of grandparent support, wfh days, always split housework equally between us. Now that our kids are getting older and we're thinking about their uni study, we need to keep earning as much as we can to support them. I've never felt mum guilt, ever, everything I do i do for them including working.

It depends on how hard you want to push career wise.

I’ve gone to four days a week. DS has his own business so is flexible. We could be climbing the ladder/making money faster but we’re both taking a small hit for a better balance.

It’s working well for now.

@TheWayOfTheWorld are you just about to open up the laptop again? maybe we were separated at birth?
Although I do blame my parents for this mess...if only I hadn't believed them when they said "work hard and everything will fall into place". Well Mum I'm still working hard and everything is held in place by sticking plaster...

What's also necessary is a partner who will share the load;

Completely agree.
I have a colleague who is a lot more stressed than me & often asks how I manage but her dh can't do any pick ups/drop offs or remote working & she has a 45min drive to work.

[quote dogdaysofsummer]@TheWayOfTheWorld are you just about to open up the laptop again? maybe we were separated at birth?
Although I do blame my parents for this mess...if only I hadn't believed them when they said "work hard and everything will fall into place". Well Mum I'm still working hard and everything is held in place by sticking plaster...[/quote]
Mine is still open in front of me - at the desk I moved into my living room so I can supervise DC during the day. Everyone else is in bed and I should focus but...

@hammeringinmyhead - I finished my PhD when I was 26 (I met DH whilst we were both PhD students) and had DC1 when I was 28 and DC2 when I was 30. I didn’t get a permanent job until DC2 was 2 and a bit. I went back to work FT (fixed term contracts) when DC1 was 5.5 months old, and when DC2 was 7 months old). DH and I mostly built our careers after having children.

We did this with no family nearby (closest family are 180 miles away), and using nursery and then breakfast club/after school club. We moved to where DH’s job was (I used to have the long commute), so we didn’t even have any local friends. And whilst we do have a cleaner now, that’s a fairly recent development (only in the last 5 years).

I absolutely needed DH to step up and take the lead on childcare, etc. whilst I was retraining. I was doing a FT job and studying for professional exams. I’d work for 2 hours each evening after they’d gone to bed and one afternoon per weekend (DH had the other weekend afternoon to go and play rugby).

For me having it all means have a 50/50 partner. There are many posts about having great childcare, a cleaner etc but I suspect that it is still the women that are organising all of this i.e doing all the 'wifework'.

IME most women don't have it all, they have a career that is often flexible or are in a high position that allows them lots of control however they still pick up most, if not all, of the work and responsibility at home. This isn't what equality looks like to me this is women getting shafted.

We both have very fulfilling careers, jobs we wanted to do and are excelling in and we have two kids. Never seen having a family as a reason to need to back off our careers, the opposite really. What has the sacrifice been? Having to pay childcare I guess, I've never felt guilty using childcare I've always felt they've benefitted from it, and although the cost was difficult in the early years we are reaping the rewards now with them older, especially as I particularly have an awful lot of flexibility in my job so never miss a Christmas play, parents evening etc etc.

I have some regrets in life, but our careers/family/work life is not one of them! I guess I would be arrogant enough to say I "have it all" as I really feel we have the balance right.

Boom boom. It’s not the 1950s any more. I work in a Corp environment, as clearly do all my colleagues and their careers didn’t suffer, neither did my female friends, there is no reason now a woman’s career should suffer. Honestly this old fashioned attitude is so annoying

‘Boom boom’, what is that? ‘Corp environment’ office bants?

This is page four of a thread where many women have posted detailed explanations of exactly the reasons why women’s careers suffer. I don’t understand what you’re missing.

Since you claim you to have mastered career and family life so easily, perhaps you’d like to share how you’ve done it? What do you do with your children while you’re working in your corp environment? What does your husband do to contribute towards running the household? What are your hours? Tell us the secret of your success!

I also agree with the point that it depends on what type of career you want and how much you want to push. I’m definitely capable of a VP level role, but I choose not to make the sacrifices necessary to get there (especially as I don’t think I’d enjoy the roles available at this level in my organisation). So I stick with being a Director and (mostly) enjoying my job. DH has a similar attitude. We’re comfortable on what we earn - why bother trying to earn money we don’t need by doing a more intense and stressful role?

My career suffered. DH works very long days meaning he could never do nursery/primary school drop off or pick up. Neither set of grandparents were in good enough health to be reliable support. I think school holidays are the hardest to cover.

Sometimes I wonder but I have no regrets as I have been there for the sports days, award assemblies etc & still support his sports. I had DS relatively late & getting rehired into a similar role ten years on proved hopeless. I've carved a different path now which doesn't pay well but is fulfilling.

I really think it depends on what “successful career” actually means to you. Certainly to some that means reaching the highest level in their industry or specialty but to lots of us it means reaching a point where we’re earning a good salary in a role that we like (or like well enough most of the time!) that utilises our skills.

You ask Is it going to be one or the other for me? which in the context of your post I take to mean successful in career OR a good parent. It really doesn’t have to be either/or. Lots of us are able to be good parents to happy, well adjusted children AND good at our jobs.

Both our careers suffered, but it doesn't make them "unsuccessful". I quite like the different work/life balance, actually.

And our career suffered before kids, by simply trying to find interesting jobs for both of us, that would also allow us to live together. Quite frankly that was the biggest blow (like when I had to decline a good position in Australia, and another in Japan, just so we wouldn't be split apart. Or when my other half initially quit his well-paid job so that we could actually live in the same city)

@hammeringinmyhead - I finished my PhD when I was 26 (I met DH whilst we were both PhD students) and had DC1 when I was 28 and DC2 when I was 30. I didn’t get a permanent job until DC2 was 2 and a bit. I went back to work FT (fixed term contracts) when DC1 was 5.5 months old, and when DC2 was 7 months old). DH and I mostly built our careers after having children

Ok, that's great. When I was 28 I was earning a lot better and had had a permanent role for 3 years. DH had been promoted twice. I happened to pick 24 as a point where, as entry level employees, the inflexibility and pay would have meant one of us taking a few years out. I was 24 in the 2008 recession and it was tough to find anything better paid for a while without a few years' experience.

Since you claim you to have mastered career and family life so easily, perhaps you’d like to share how you’ve done it? What do you do with your children while you’re working in your corp environment? What does your husband do to contribute towards running the household? What are your hours? Tell us the secret of your success!

Particularly when you combine that with being so prolific on MNs you're infamous! 🤣

I think you can't have it all. Yes, you can have the career and the kids and be happy - but the big career usually means FAR less time with the kids. Unless you are in a position to be part-time, well paid and have flexibility - and being part time has no impact on your career... Otherwise, no you can't have it all. You can't see the kids after school, they spend most of their time in childcare from a young age, you miss a lot of their childhood that you can't get back. You and they might be happy - but you won't spend nearly as much time with them as you/ them would want. So there is always a trade off

I think I've found a real balance. Work in a rewarding and well paid job for a company that allows WFH and flex time- I do 4 days per week. I have DC one day a week.
DH works full time but also from home and fairly flexible, so the day we're all home is an extension of the weekend with DH doing work on his phone when required. We both have progression opportunities and plenty of family time. In a nice house with space as DC grow and WFH when they're in school allows us to do bits of housework as and when. I love our life but it's taken us a while to find this balance

I was determined my successful career I’d worked so hard for would not be abandoned, and it has not been.
DH has equally successful career. Both top of our chosen fields.
No GPatental help at all.
I do 90% DC day to day “stuff” as DH works away.
I work in the night, in the weekend, on holiday, when I’m sick, when it’s beautiful sunny weather and every other buggar is off enjoying it.
Oh and I get a load of grief (jealousy) from other working mums who have not had the stubborn determination to do what I’ve done. Its my choice.
I wanted it all.
I do it all.
It exhausting but I’m not giving either up.

It’s hard when the DC are young because its so intense. My DH and I both dipped in and out of SAH/PT/FT whilst the DC we’re young.

Once the youngest got to 8 we were both working FT. We have 4 in school and now both have very successful careers. It takes motivation and planing but definitely doable.

work in the night, in the weekend, on holiday, when I’m sick, when it’s beautiful sunny weather and every other buggar is off enjoying it.

Surely that's not "having it all"? To me having it all is having a fulfilling career but balancing it with a home life which for me very much includes evenings and weekends off and being one of those buggers enjoying the sun. I appreciate it's subjective.

We both have ok but not great careers. I went down to 3 days after dc, then up to 4 when they were both at school. In the 10 years since having dc I’ve had 2 promotions but could have pushed further if I’d been properly career focused. DH and I earn about the same, other factors at play for him but if we’d prioritised his career properly he could probably have gone further. He always did drop-offs, both of our jobs are pretty flexible, sometimes long hours but not constant so it feels like we’ve had a good balance.
We have a lot of high flying friends and while the financial comfort would be nice I don’t envy the imbalances between couples or the reliance on nannies.

I know the point has already been made but it strikes me that it really does depend on the type of career in the first place. And number of DCs too.

I can see how it would be more possible for two senior finance people or in-house lawyers to push both careers forward with just one child between them than, say, a teacher and an events manager, or a TV producer and a pilot.

My old career was in a very creative industry which was very political and your network and relationships were critical to career progression. Not the sort of thing where you could leave at 4.30 every day, or even do from home really. Entirely the wrong industry to be a working mother.

I agree with so many others -- it depends on your definition of both managed to have successful careers whilst raising children, or has one career suffered

I feel that Dh and I have had / are having successful careers - both been promoted and both have senior roles in our chosen careers. I was lucky enough to be able to work PT since dc2 was born 21 years ago. Dh has turned down several job offers because we are a couple and a family and not able (willing?) to drop everything and live in different countries on temporary contracts like you might be freer to do as a single person.

If we'd not had dc might we be in a different place now ? - potentially
Do either of us feel we have 'sacrificed' or 'missed out' ? - no

We've not had parents who did childcare or even helped out with babysitting. We've only had a cleaner this last couple of years. We've both had times when we were knackered. We've both had those occasions when we wish we'd been able to get to some event or other that we didn't manage to - but you realise your dc survive and all ours have flourished into confident young adults without any scars from us not being at every assembly or workshop. They all have a strong work ethic too, and an understanding that as adults they have choices to make about things and that they should consider them and make the right choice for them at the time. They also have lovely memories of wonderful Childminders and the breakfast club at Primary school.

@notheragain4 I do that in order to do the kids stuff/have time with them. Work gets displaced to other nooks and crannies.
Having “it all” as in a successful (emphasis in this post is on successful) career AND kids you actually see means, inevitably, “me time” has to go. So my life is work/kids/work/kids.....
Not much fun? Perhaps. But to answer OPs question, yes you can have it all.....but this is what it looks like.....and that’s why the vast majority of parents simply do not do it.