To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

I'd stop visiting as often and increase nursery days. They messed you around and you're out of pocket to boot. Sod them.

my mum, who is an amazing grandparent, is a little bit like this. Not quite the same thing but she made loads of similar comments re best interests when we sent our child to nursery. How it was cruel, a prison, DGC too young etc... Lots of emotional manipulation along the lines of "oh I couldn't sleep last night worrying about poor DGC in that terrible prison".

I would say just ride it out. Buy your lovely house, don't mention the money again, and over the next few months and years she will hopefully realise that you made a great decision. It is incredibly annoying - so you have to bite your tongue, go for a few long angry runs perhaps - but perhaps your MIL is like my mum in that she has over the top emotional reactions to thing that prevent her seeing things from other people's point of view, and can say quite cruel things as a result. My mum is fine with nursery now! Knows that DGC is happy there and that it's good for them, and doesn't mention it anymore. And when she says similar stuff on other issues i just ignore/deflect. She has an awesome relationship with our child, and our child benefits from it hugely, and we generally get on very well, so i've decided it's okay to let some things slide - even some quite big things.

Good luck.

@topandtailem if this is potentially a result of mils anxiety, has fil expressed a view? I’m so sorry they have done this to you. It’s not about tit for tat or using your child as a weapon but I would withdraw from them somewhat not just because of the insinuation she doesn’t trust you as parents but the potential harm that comes with someone who is capable of being so callous and manipulative.

How many days a week are they providing childcare for DD? If more than one would look to reduce this.

Not to ‘punish’ them but to set boundaries, not be too reliant on them etc.

They really need to give multiple reasons why they think house is bad for your dd apart from pond. You need to understand why just to keep any relationship with them. Not good.

Take this as a harsh lesson not to rely on their money again even if they offer it. I’d be finding alternate childcare arrangements, stepping back from the relationship and looking for a house I can afford (doesn’t need to be near granny )

I have seen a similar situation in my own family over a loan. It’s a control thing. The grandparents love the power trip money gives them and they love being generous but deep down they don’t respect anyone who depends on them for money in a serious way, even when they offered it. If your pil respected you they would have pulled out before you had sold up and invested in a new house purchase. Maybe they are secretly disappointed that you accepted the financial help and they didn’t say anything. I’m not defending them though.

Potter on as normal and don't involve them in so much from now on. Don't lend any money off them. I wouldn't stop the usual care of my daughter as like you said it could negatively affect her and we don't want that.. it'd be hard to be undermined like that as a parent especially when we as parents are the ones who know what is best for them but sometimes it's better just to be the bigger person and save yourself from misery. It'll take time to get over but just take it as a lesson learnt, don't involve others in important decision making when it comes to YOUR family.

That's just fucking nasty. They must be aware of how stressful house hunting is and all the finances attached.

I'd be looking at nurseries and properties and stretching that 17 minute drive to an hour minimum.

There is a reason their elder child is low contact.

I would strongly suspect that's not the real reason at all; just a lame-brain cover. They can't give you the money for a personal reason they don't want to disclose. Investments down the drain, pension loss, medical diagnosis..

It's so lame-brain I can only think they want you to know it's just an excuse, not the real reason.

Just let it go and carry on as usual. In a year or so when your child is blissful in new home, you might gently revisit "What was the real reason you withdrew your offer?".

reading your first post again I think the mother-in-law is completely ridiculous she expects to be the final authority on everything you do, she is so concerned about the well-being of her granddaughter why does she put the parents of the grand daughter through such a lot of stress?
Think about what she did ...she waited until the very last minute until you had committed yourself and then she withdrew the offer, pulled the rug out from under your feet at the last minute to cause maximum pain and stress
Move on?? I'd want to kill the f b 😡

@wineandroses1

Wow how controlling of them. How dare they try to dictate where you live and what's best for YOUR child? I would take a massive step back from them and I'd be looking to increase nursery care rather than have them looking after DD. I would also refuse any sort of financial ties with them, as clearly they think they can control you through their money.

I wholly agree with this.

This was their "foot-in-the-door". it may have started here, but it would continue to what school she attends etc, and as she gets older they will offer her money/gifts with strings attached to, and it will influence her choices in life ("We'll buy you a car but it has to be X make, even if you really want Y" sort of thing).

Stop it now. And as Wineandroses suggests , reduce the time they spend with her, because they will be using it to influence her. It seems petty and spiteful, but it's not - it isn't a matter of "punishing" them (thought they may accuse you of that - it's ensuring that she grows up to be her own person, and letting them know that they can't financially control people.

@2bazookas
Are you the mother-in-law?

I don't really have anything to add except how fucking dare they...

Buy the house yourselves if you can. Stop telling them so much about your lives. And start emotionally distancing / preparing them for life changing / you starting to build your own lives without so much involvement from them when dd starts school. I'm NC with a parent who couldn't accept I was an adult.

you’ve really put everything in context for me and given me tons of perspective. You bloody vipers

Being a viper is a much under-rated super-power.

I wouldn't accept the money now either, but have they been haunting rightmove and is there a particular house/area they favour? Is it a case of when my DP watches Location x 3, and they choose the wrong house and she sulks at their perceived idiocy.

Secondly, hugs - my PiL offer us money too but it comes with strings, a lack of communication and an unspoken debt of my soul...

This is not about your parenting though. They are just in their own discussion that the children (ie you) haven't been invited to...

Well, if nothing else you've learnt that very valuable lesson on 'neither a borrower nor lender be'. Especially from family.

As far as the pond, our DC grew up in the country around a deep and large irrigation pond. But it really didn't require any more 'watching out' than when we lived on a street with traffic. You always watch toddlers and young children, regardless of where you live and you train them to be careful of the hazards in the area be it water, traffic, or wildlife. But we each must decide where we feel our children are safest so I'm not finding fault with the 'no ponds' parents.

Does the short drive further mean they'll now have to drive through a busy city centre to get to your new home?

But at any rate, you now know that you cannot depend on them for help, not really. And the thing that would really upset me is why did they wait so long to tell you? They must have known about their objections soon after viewing the house and I assume they viewed it before you started the selling/buying process.

Oh, and be thankful. Because I have a feeling that they'd have held the money over your head for decades, subtly or otherwise. Unfortunately when you take money from anyone it can create the feeling in them (or you) that they now have the right to have their opinions listened to, from what colour to paint the kitchen to what schools your children attend.

You need to forget about the money. Obviously it comes with strings. Buy a house you can afford without their input.

But the comment “it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision” I mean WTF? I would find it difficult to get past that.

Are you possibly thinking of any more children?

Could the line 'it might not be suitable in your opinion for our daughter, but it is more than suitable for any future children we may have.'

They can't object on the grounds that any, as yet unborn, children 'wouldn't be happy there' without making themselves sound complete loons.

I do hope you buy that house without their input.

Got to admit OP you are a lot calmer than I'd have been.

Offered cash, withdrew offer, whilst actually costing you money. So presumably you now have less money in the pot for the next place you see.

Did they not see the house you chose prior to money being spent?

I'd be pissed off with them for the time they've wasted, not just for you, but for the sellers too. Is your sale still going ahead?

I might let them think a move abroad is in the pipeline.

It may well come from her anxiety, but that isn't a reason to take any notice of it. Sometimes I think on MN when people talk about anxiety, it sounds like someone having anxiety makes trying to control people okay. It doesn't at all and other people should never feel that they have to curtail their life choices because of someone else's anxiety (I have bad anxiety myself, so I am not talking from a place of ignorance).

I think in a way she has done you a favour here. You now know that money comes with conditions and not to borrow from her in future. You may want to put in clearer boundaries on other points where she tries to control too. I don't think you have to fall out with her, but maybe it is time to separate your family unit more clearly from hers. If you have been with your partner for a long time, maybe she hasn't quite accepted that you are adults with your own family now?

They are controlling and manipulating you through their money.

As your DD grows, they will do the same to her. Move away.

How manipulative! Does this mean you cannot now afford the death trap home? If you can I would still be proceeding with the sale.

As you have known them 20yrs, I would want to confront them with DH to let them know they have upset you and DH and that the money was being seen as a gift not a puppet string. You will be pursuing a house move but any offers of money again will be declined by you both and you feel the personal relationship has been tainted, however their actions will not affect their relationship with DD but you will be taking a step back. Take the control back from them.

Yes it's their money blah blah but that is just cruel!! Had they seen the house before surveys etc were carried out?