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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried this will change our relationship

492 replies

topandtailem · 26/08/2020 08:45

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 26/08/2020 12:37

They need to understand that their Dgd is YOUR Dd and you will do as you see as fit. I have no doubt that you are doing a great job. I think this is very common when GPs get a little too involved. I'm not convinced that this excuse is their true agenda either. Buy the house you like and can afford

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/08/2020 12:40

I would definitely keep my distance and would now shut down questions/comments. Sorry you feel like that but we are able to make our own decisions about our family.

lunar1 · 26/08/2020 12:42

They have changed your relationship, and while I wouldn't be going no contact I would definitely be more observant of their interaction with your dd. Listen to how they speak with her, undermining you to your Dd would be a dealbreaker for me.

PaternosterLoft · 26/08/2020 12:43

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I'm worried that the focus of your OP is "how can I get past the awful shitty thing they've done that they're unremorseful about" rather than "my PIL are not the nice people I thought they were - how should I set boundaries for my future relationship with them?"

Your daughter might love them but I dread to think what kind of undermining is going on behind your back...

They have lost you the money for the survey, conveyancing - why are you being so understanding? If you look back I bet you find more examples where you have had to change or adapt for your PIL. That's your choice as an adult, but it will be a long time before your DD is emotionally mature enough to cope with this sort of behaviour.
Boatonthehorizon · 26/08/2020 12:47

One last thing.
It would help her if you assure her the toddler will not go to the house on moving day and that day you will fill in the pond before toddler is ever on premises.
Maybe try to build solutions rather than just blocking her and removing her from your life after she's so close to her granddaughter. Heartbreaking.

notanothertakeaway · 26/08/2020 12:47

@Boatonthehorizon

www.ncfrp.org/reporting/drowning/

More toddlers die of drowning in ponds than any other accident. I bet she's convinced it will happen on day one when you're all distracted by moving in.
That's how panic / anxiety manifests itself.
She will do all she can to stop that happening.

People without anxiety can't understand, it seems.

But I just wanted to explain that I'd be pretty convinced it was that.

I have huge sympathy for people with anxiety and I can understand people thinking about the worst-case scenario

However, if the OP's MIL had anxiety, surely the OP would already be aware of that? I'm not convinced anxiety is the issue here

Polnm · 26/08/2020 12:48

@Boatonthehorizon

www.ncfrp.org/reporting/drowning/

More toddlers die of drowning in ponds than any other accident. I bet she's convinced it will happen on day one when you're all distracted by moving in.
That's how panic / anxiety manifests itself.
She will do all she can to stop that happening.

People without anxiety can't understand, it seems.

But I just wanted to explain that I'd be pretty convinced it was that.

That is not in the UK but the USA

In the Uk about the same die in the bath as in a pond.

MiniCooperLover · 26/08/2020 12:48

Time to tell them sadly you are offering on a house 45 minutes away as you can't afford the area now but you'll make sure you meet up at least once a month

OliviaBenson · 26/08/2020 12:50

What are you going to do op? Can you still afford the house? I'd be wanting some space for the time being, what a horrible thing to have to deal with on many levels.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/08/2020 12:52

How stupid of them. This will negatively affect your relationship with them for a long time, if not forever.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2020 12:52

@timeisnotaline

The more i think about it the more I think an icy message is appropriate ‘we are deeply concerned by your statements re putting your granddaughter first. We always put our daughter first and chose this house for the benefits it provides her. We are deeply offended by your assumption that we haven’t done this, which shoots at the heart of our single greatest priority in life. We obviously fundamentally disagree on her best interests and we remind you that she is our daughter and where there is a difference of opinion we and we alone will decide her best interests and the actions to take. I think it’s best we not meet this week and take some time out.
This is a very good message to send to them. A great boundary. I would add one more statement before the last sentence “Your unilateral decision has wasted us a great deal of time and money and it looks as though we will lose the sale of our current house”.

It is time to clearly tell your mil you will not sing to her tune. You are adults and parents. Better still if you can afford to buy the house. I hope you can. I also agree that doting on a 3 yo is simple. Wait until your dd is a bit older, has a mind of her own and perhaps the judgment and criticism will creep in.

ravenmum · 26/08/2020 12:53

[quote topandtailem]@Nonotthisagain unclear. They think there are ‘lots of things wrong’ with the house but the sticking point is allegedly a garden pond that we have already said we would immediately have filled in. My feeling is that she’s made up her mind and logic isn’t playing a big part in this.[/quote]
OP has told MIL that they would fill it in from the start, @Boatonthehorizon

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 12:55

My ils had a massive pond.
When I was pregnant with ds they had a huge metal grill fitted over it.
Dc were never at their house alone anyway.. I feel confident they would have filled it in if we had ever suggested it. They took the necessary precautions and I was happy with that.
Not sure I would have been so blasé about your situation op.

Bella2020 · 26/08/2020 12:58

It seems like they are questioning your parenting and your judgement, OP. It would certainly cloud the relationship for me moving forward.

DowntonCrabby · 26/08/2020 13:02

Wow she sounds very controlling. I wouldn’t accept money from them in future even if they feel whatever house is fine.

What parenting decisions have they make their opinions known over in the past and how did that play out?

Giving them the benefit of the doubt it could be that they are just worriers and the pond thing has been blown up.

It does sound like more of a case of trying to control you as a family though.

Flowers
Mix56 · 26/08/2020 13:04

This is meddling, manipulation, It would make me very much retire & see as little of them as possible.
What about telling them you are moving to another town 1 or 2 hours away ???

suggestionsplease1 · 26/08/2020 13:09

I guess if they were majorly hung up on the pond they could have said something like "We'd also like to organise and pay for the pond to be made safe on the day you move in. I know we're probably overreacting and this is a hang-up of ours, but we can't shake out anxiety over and keep fearing the worst case scenario...would that be ok?"

Longwhiskers14 · 26/08/2020 13:10

You've had a lucky escape, OP. They are being controlling and manipulative and you wouldn't have even had your foot over the threshold before they'd be dictating how your DD's bedroom was decorated "because they paid for it". I think you're being far too nice and calm about what they've done. You've lost money and a house you loved because they've decided you and your DH aren't to be trusted with decision making regarding your DD. What's next? Enrolling her at a school only they approve of? I'd love to know the back story with his DB about why he keeps his distance.

topcat2014 · 26/08/2020 13:15

Kids really don't care where they live, and, anyway, most parents have to cut their cloth etc.

I would be reducing involvement - and I don't normally think that.

TinkerPony · 26/08/2020 13:17

Is this house nicer than your in laws house I know it sound daft but could she/they be jelHmm.

OhCaptain · 26/08/2020 13:19

“The more i think about it the more I think an icy message is appropriate ‘we are deeply concerned by your statements re putting your granddaughter first. We always put our daughter first and chose this house for the benefits it provides her. We are deeply offended by your assumption that we haven’t done this, which shoots at the heart of our single greatest priority in life. We obviously fundamentally disagree on her best interests and we remind you that she is our daughter and where there is a difference of opinion we and we alone will decide her best interests and the actions to take. I think it’s best we not meet this week and take some time out.”

This is very good. Send this!

SunnySideDownBriefly · 26/08/2020 13:25

How sickening. I really admire how balanced you are being about it and I wonder whether they deserve such a reasonable reaction!

I really hope you can buy this house with your own funds. If you want it then don't give up - do everything you need to do to get it. The worst thing would be to lose this house and to feel bitter about that in the future.

It's really sad that this has happened but please make sure you protect yourself in the future and don't get railroaded into doing things and making decisions to appease your in-laws. It's very unfair if your MIL is letting her anxiety fuel this decision - if this is the case then it has got to the point that she should seek medical help.

Personally, in your position, I would give a little less of myself to them as a couple. Continue the relationship as it is for your dd's sake but don't give them too much. This is a horrible and controlling thing to do to someone.

Best of luck with getting that house.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/08/2020 13:26

I have to say threads like this make me grateful that I don't have PILs. I couldn't tolerate that level of involvement and interference in my life particularly when its formless and ambivalent.

I don't think you should take this in any way personally: this is about them and their issues and nothing to do with you or your DH. I'd use this as an excuse to put some respectful distance between you and them.

SevenYearsNineMonths · 26/08/2020 13:26

All the people talking about ponds would be putty in the OPs MiLs hands. She'd have them writing cheques in no time. It's what Hitchcock would have called a McGuffin - totally irrelevant to the plot.

If it wasn't ponds, it would be choice of car seats, or where they are placed (for example). We used to place DS in his car seat behind me because I am a shortarse and he had the legroom. But because that was on the drivers side (I drove) my MiL exploded about "how dare I risk her grandsons life life that. So the seat had to go on the passenger side where DS spent happy years kicking my wife in the back against the injury she got after a drunken ex broke it for her.

This is about one thing. Control. And by God I wish I'd had someone like myself 24 years ago to slap my face and point these things out before that had a chance to ruin our family.

It ended for us when MiL stormed around one evening after I finally said no and punched me in the face. Police were called etc etc.

My username comes from the fact that it took 7 years from that event for our DS to get the same treatment and realise "Nana" is evil (his words).

OP - you might want to get this moved to relationships where people are less likely to be distracted. It's that board which I have to thank for my sanity and my marriage. It is MN at it's most awesome.

ddl1 · 26/08/2020 13:34

Did they give any reason why they don't think the house is good for your daughter? If they wished to set conditions on what house you could buy, they should have told you in advance! The kindest interpretation that I can give is that they may have known someone who drowned, and are therefore extremely anxious about garden ponds. If that really IS the worry, you could perhaps arrange not to move in to the house until the pond is filled in. But I suspect that they want to control things in general, and in that case it's probably best to remain as financially independent of your in-laws as you can, now and for the future.