To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Honestly I think you dodged a real bullet here. That money would have been levereaged for huge control/say in your daughter's upbringing and you would have bitterly regretted accepting it.

If I were you and your dh I would say no more about it. Continue as a couple and pick the house you think best. If she ever raises any question about the house just say to her "I have no idea why you think your son and I are bad parents and don't wish the best for our daughter. frankly, I find it deeply insulting and don't want to hear any more of it"

I'd definitely get your daughter into nursery more, if not totally, it sounds like they want you to rely on them so they have control. Also, they're obviously judging you, so I'd be on edge sending my daughter to them for childcare.

I wouldn't even show them the details of the next house. And I'd turn down any future offers of cash.

I think giving money with strings like that is horrible. The only caveat to that would be, I gave money for a specific purpose e.g. deposit, car etc then I wouldn't like it to be spent on something else without consultation. I might be willing to decimate my savings so my DC could buy a home but maybe not so they could go on holiday.

They're being dicks. The same way your mother in law was able to do what she felt was best for her children when she was raising them, you are doing what you believe is best for your child. You are the mother, you know better than anyone what is best for your child, and her feelings do not trump yours. Feel free to tell her as such.

Honestly after that I wouldn't take their money even if they begged me to. Sounds like the money comes with strings that she wants to attach to both you and your DH so she can play puppet master.

I sympathize with those who suffer with anxiety (I have a good friend who has suffered with it for a very long time), but if your MIL does have it to the extent that it's an understandable (if frustrating) excuse for her behaviour, then she should be getting help. Everyone just tiptoeing around her will not help her, she needs professional care and help or she and those around her will continue to suffer.

However, if she uses anxiety as an excuse to be controlling, that's a very different situation. The 'haven't slept for days' line really jumped out at me. If she is being manipulative, rather than genuinely suffering anxiety, that is a very effective line to trot out as it basically says, "I'm already suffering from this situation far more than you, so don't be upset or tell me it's a problem for you, that would be cruel when I'm already suffering so much".

My own DM is a narcissist and very, very manipulative, and I've come to recognise her tactics at last. Finding ways to make herself the biggest victim in any given situation is something she's very good at, and makes it difficult for anyone to hold her accountable for bad behaviour. But you have to grow a thick skin and call out this kind of behaviour, if it is that.

If it's genuinely anxiety, she should be getting help with it, for her own sake if no one else's. Regardless of the cause, her behaviour has been irrational and damaging, and shouldn't just be ignored.

I’d take a major step back. I’d go as far as to not have them care for your DD on a day to day basis but instead visit once a week for an hour or whatever suits you.

I would guess they don’t like the fact that you are moving further away, although only five minutes away, rather than moving closer to them.

You can bet if you still have her caring for your DD when she starts school, she will be taking over and acting like the parent at the school gates rather than the grandparent. She’ll insist on being the one to go to school events and so on.

Don’t fall out with them but distance yourself. I’d say once you do, you’ll feel a sense of freedom and will only realise then how controlled you’ve been by them.

Ps if you now need to pull out of this house sale, don’t discuss it with them at all and make sure that the next house you buy or rent is further from them and not nearer.

I’d say your MIL is hoping the purchase can’t proceed and you’ll end up moving closer to them.

the thing that would really upset me is why did they wait so long to tell you?

Pond55 is right - Control - pure and simple. . .

They did it because they could. They are flexing their muscles to let you know they are the boss and that they will be ruthless about it.

You're very wise, I read on here ages ago of a couple who had accepted money from the MiL; it turned into a nightmare. It resulted in her thinking she had the right to do whatever she wanted. She insisted on having a key to their house and would let herself in whenever she fancied. The family went on holiday and on return she had had the living room redecorated and moved all of their furniture.

They expressed their horror to the MiL who defended herself and refused to accept what she did was unacceptable. They subsequently moved several hours away, sent her the money and had very little contact.

I don't think it matters what's wrong with the house in their opinion. You are adults, you found a beautiful house (to you) that matches all your CRITERIA. They offered money, which of course, was very kind but it came with strings attached. I also think you had a lucky escape. I hope you do buy the house

You're very wise, I read on here ages ago of a couple who had accepted money from the MiL; it turned into a nightmare. It resulted in her thinking she had the right to do whatever she wanted. She insisted on having a key to their house and would let herself in whenever she fancied. The family went on holiday and on return she had had the living room redecorated and moved all of their furniture.

My MiL let herself in, and then moved things around into DS room to make it look like he'd stolen them. She also broke some of DWs precious trinkets that DS had bought her and made it look like him (by leaving pieces in his room).

You can imagine the damage that did to our family.

Even as I write this, I don't believe myself. And it happened to me, DW and DS.

Which is why I'm saying it again. Anyone who thinks this is anxiety, fear of ponds or any other non-batshit explanation really hasn't experienced the depravity a controlling monster can sink too.

@SevenYearsNineMonths

You're very wise, I read on here ages ago of a couple who had accepted money from the MiL; it turned into a nightmare. It resulted in her thinking she had the right to do whatever she wanted. She insisted on having a key to their house and would let herself in whenever she fancied. The family went on holiday and on return she had had the living room redecorated and moved all of their furniture.

My MiL let herself in, and then moved things around into DS room to make it look like he'd stolen them. She also broke some of DWs precious trinkets that DS had bought her and made it look like him (by leaving pieces in his room).

You can imagine the damage that did to our family.

Even as I write this, I don't believe myself. And it happened to me, DW and DS.

Which is why I'm saying it again. Anyone who thinks this is anxiety, fear of ponds or any other non-batshit explanation really hasn't experienced the depravity a controlling monster can sink too.

Wow! What a piece of work! I'm absolutely stunned anyone could ever think about doing something like this. What sort of creature conceives this let alone carries out actions like these?

Hope none of you have any further contact with her and she no longer has access to your home?🌹

Whatever happens I’m not willing to curtail access to DD. I think at this time she would be negatively affected by that more than anything

You mentioned you'd be more alert, and I feel you really should be.

The excuse for pulling the plug was that PIL felt the house was not in your DD's best interests. This, to me, implies that they feel they are more alert for your DD's best interests than you, her parents, are.

So I have no doubt that they will be happy to undermine your parenting if they feel that what you/DH choose to do is not right.

In any case, as your DD is now 3, then make sure the access you allow between PIL and DD is not regular, set in stone, type stuff. Because once she's at school, visits to PIL may be more problematical. And if visits are regular. eg, every weekend, then PIL make start kicking up a fuss if the visits are missed because of classmates birthday parties, etc.

Please don’t under react to this op in order to protect relationships. Your in laws let you get so far along in the house buying process before pulling the rug out from under you. Regardless of any alleged “sleepless nights” they have given no regard to anything other than their own need to control and undermine you. I love the saying on here that when people show you who they really are, believe them.

FWIW - one of the best pieces of advice/insight I’ve ever had was this: that nobody ever acts illogically on their own terms. There’s always a reason behind it. And there’s a reason behind this.....but your in laws don’t want to tell you. They’ve allowed you to incur cost/stress (and potentially homelessness?), but they still won’t tell you. That’s a massive red flag to me. I don’t think your relationship can be the same....and I do think you need to reassess their access to your daughter. Not out of malice - but because it’s pretty clear that things are not the way you thought they were....and you and your DH need to get your own heads straight as to what is going on before you can fully trust them again as you did previously.

@NataliaOsipova

FWIW - one of the best pieces of advice/insight I’ve ever had was this: that nobody ever acts illogically on their own terms. There’s always a reason behind it. And there’s a reason behind this.....but your in laws don’t want to tell you. They’ve allowed you to incur cost/stress (and potentially homelessness?), but they still won’t tell you. That’s a massive red flag to me. I don’t think your relationship can be the same....and I do think you need to reassess their access to your daughter. Not out of malice - but because it’s pretty clear that things are not the way you thought they were....and you and your DH need to get your own heads straight as to what is going on before you can fully trust them again as you did previously.

Agree with this.

I would go so far as to write that I would actually be concerned about a child whose parents would accept this appalling treatment by their parents and to feel so intimidated by them that they would take it.

What they have done is just awful.
There should be consequences.

I have never accepted a penny from anyone as an adult and stories like yours are a good reason why.

I find it extraordinary that this is their first real act of controlling behaviour.

Instead of insisting your daughter maintains a lot of contact irrespective of how you and your family are treated, I would think good and hard about how beneficial it is for your daughter to be in the company of people who would act like this to cause you are your husband such distress.

You need to look at your boundaries and self respect OP.

Wishing your well.

Your parents feel entitled to punish you for going against their wishes
You can't let that fly

They also have no incentive whatsoever to do the right thing in the future, if they see indeed nothing does change, even after what they have done. They still have full access to your child, you and your dh, all still perfect even though their behaviour has been pretty despicable.

What does that say? It is okay to treat op and gd badly because there are no consequences at all.

I would be very very careful about giving them that impression. I personally don't think it is possible to trust them after this, and it will have dented your relationship significantly. How could it not? They are not who thought they were, so with this in mind, first and foremost you have to protect your child. And take your time to readjust to what you now know about them. They are not the thoroughly decent people you thought them to be.

Instead of insisting your daughter maintains a lot of contact irrespective of how you and your family are treated, I would think good and hard about how beneficial it is for your daughter to be in the company of people who would act like this to cause you are your husband such distress.

This is very good advice.

And as she gets older they will undermine your parenting, go behind your back to indulge her contrary to your wishes, use money to buy their way into her affections, and then control her behaviour to suit themselves.

Do you Really want tis for your DD?

I would struggle to get past this and have a relationship with them at all, to be completely honest, after pulling such a stunt.
How controlling and conniving that they clearly had terms and conditions on the offer from the beginning. Were they hoping you would move in next door to them or something?
They will be bleating to anyone who will listen that you're only bothered about money. But they would, wouldn't they? Because they are manipulative.
Thank god you aren't going to be indebted to these cruel people. They would definitely have used the money against you, at least by bringing it up any time they wanted something.

well OP, they have shown you exactly who they are. Believe them.

I agree that you have had a very lucky escape from her controlling personality. She would have cast up that money at every given opportunity or worse demanded it back had she not agreed with decisions you and your DH made period.

WOW you should breathe easy you found out now, and Yes I would absolutely distance myself and my child from them, these are not good people 🌺

@topandtailem are you in a position to buy the house without their contribution? I think that would speak volumes to them. If you pull out, they'll feel they got what they wanted

I hope op is able to come back and update on this. So difficult when it’s family you clearly love that have let you down especially when its unclear why they have done so.

Well, after consulting with our mortgage advisor, we can still buy the house. Partly because of a pay rise I got recently, so I’m really pleased about that! I think just this in and of itself is a big message to them that they don’t get to dictate on issues like this. DH went over to speak to them today and they’ve accepted that we’re going ahead. I was hoping there would have been an apology but apparently not. I will probably have to see them at some point next week so I’m not yet sure how that will go. Possibly I’ll play nice until the house is bought and things have calmed down, then I’ll calmly explain how they made me feel and see what happens.

Those of you who shared their own experiences, I’m really grateful and I hear you and I will absolutely be proceeding with caution from here on in.