To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Has something happened in their life experience to make them fear open water for a little one? Have you asked ?
Good friends had a grandchild who drowned in a neighbour’s garden pool when the mum turned her back for a minute to attend to another child.
Something along those lines could be responsible for this irrational fear which is jeopardising your otherwise really good relationship.
Further chat with her, where you are each open about your feelings over this might reveal whether she really does feel that a pond is a nightmare scenario, whether she feels her parenting is better than yours or if she just wants to assert control because it’s her money being spent.

The more i think about it the more I think an icy message is appropriate ‘we are deeply concerned by your statements re putting your granddaughter first. We always put our daughter first and chose this house for the benefits it provides her. We are deeply offended by your assumption that we haven’t done this, which shoots at the heart of our single greatest priority in life. We obviously fundamentally disagree on her best interests and we remind you that she is our daughter and where there is a difference of opinion we and we alone will decide her best interests and the actions to take. I think it’s best we not meet this week and take some time out.

Everything else aside, do you have somewhere to live??

I think they could suggest moving in with them and I think that would be a massive mistake.

As would taking any money off them, even if they change their mind about this house.

This has taught you that this money will come with more strings attached than anyone should have to deal with.

I would buy what I could with my own funds and as PP said, just gently shut down any and all attempts to discuss it more.

"Has something happened in their life experience to make them fear open water for a little one?"

Doesn't everyone "fear open water for a little one?" That's why OP was having the pond filled in straight away.

Ridiculous amount of posters excusing this behaviour and the OP is doing it too. No wonder the elder son is keeping them at arms length

Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer

How are you so calm about this?! You’ve lost money and lost the house you thought you were going to buy?

I’d never accept anything from them again and keep them at arms length. I think they’ve acted appallingly.

That's all just totally crazy and definitely a control thing. In your shoes I'd reduce the amount of child care they do if you can afford to with the house purchase, to minimise the feelings that you are somehow beholden to them.

And on the pond front, they can be so valuable for wildlife which is great for kids to grow up with- ponds can be covered as an alternative to filling in which can be a best of both worlds option. (The first thing we did when we bought a house with really young children was put one in. Sturdy cover so very minimal risk but hours of fun watching newts and waterboatmen and dragonflies).

I'd tell them you're now looking at houses farther away and do so.

Can you get her to list her problems with the house?
Maybe by text or written down would help her to articulate it.

She is probably having flashbacks / intrusive thoughts of your DC dying in the pond.
The sleepless nights and anxiety would point to this.
I have experience with anxiety and it feels life or death.
In her mind she's paying £50000(?) to kill her granddaughter and can't face that.
Anxiety is a horrible illness and sure pp will suggest 'seek help' but even with years of counselling and medication is rarely curable.
I suggest, be kind, (but don't pander to her unreasonable demands.)

Has she vetoed holidays due to risk eg of holiday at seaside with cliffs as this would also be indicative of this.

Very controlling people. How offensive to be told that the house you've chosen isn't deemed safe enough for their granddaughter. I'd be fuming.

Step away and do not accept any offers of money.

Going forward you need to refuse any offers of cash gifts.. Strings are most def attached and it's no way to live.
Nowhere near as bad but my ils offered to generously buy us a double buggy. It had to be of her choosing it was made clear.
Dh made it clear it would be me pushing it so needed to be suitable for me and my car.
Mil wasn't even 5 foot tall and had no chance in hell of ever pushing one!
She put off and put off handing over the money so dh gave her a date by which I wanted to be getting out of the bloody house - or we would just get our own.
She came with me at my suggestion but she wasn't happy she didn't get to choose..

Also the anxiety is centred around loved ones. They love their granddaughter, as you do.
Please be kind and don't reduce contact.
Pp should try to be kinder about anxiety.

OP says she is planning to buy the house (or another one) anyway. So the house is not lost, just the help.

If the MIL is having flashbacks about a pond that OP has said would be filled in, then best not to be relying on her for anything, that's for sure.

I think there’s a good reason the older brother keeps them at arms length.

I'd be irritated that the gift of money was conditional on choosing a house that they like

I'd be angry that this wasn't made clear from the outset

If you are confident that this house is the right one for you, is there any way that you could buy it without their help? If you extend the term of the mortgage, then your monthly payments would be the same, but you would pay for longer

I think that buying the house, knowing they don't approve of it, would be the best possible way to demonstrate that you and your DH have confidence in your own ability to chose your family home

My daughter adores them
Of course she does, the best way to control you and your husband is to make sure that they have the absolute unconditional loyaly of your small child, it's not difficult to get the loyalty of a child ...it's like "taking candy from a baby"
as you realise the money is not a gift it is a means with which to keep you under control, in their minds they outrank you and they want to maintain this status quo

Please be kind
To people who offer a large sum of money as a gift and then snatch it away, who try to control and keep you beneath them, you why would you be kind to people like that?

But she won’t talk about her anxiety, acknowledge it as a problem or seek any help so we can’t easily say “look, do you think you’re catastrophising a bit here

Why can't you? Refusing to discuss things is just another form of control imo.

Now you’ve sold your house might they expect you to move in with them in the interim? Could this be a motive?

They sound over involved and interfering, see it as a blessing that you didn’t accept the money. We were offered money from my in laws when we bought our house, we could afford a house without them it’s just we could have got something bigger and slightly better. My husband wanted to take the money but I said no. I didn’t want them to feel like they have any sort of ownership or control over my house or what I do. They are interfering and nosy people as it is and I could see what was going to happen if we’d said yes. We bought a lovely 3 bed in the end that is all paid for by us, no one helped us along so I don’t have to feel like I owe them.

As it happens my in laws gave us some money towards our wedding (they offered) shortly after we’d bought the house. Less than 12 months after we got married my mother in law brought the money up during an argument about not seeing our daughter enough. I think they imagined we’d be at their house all the time or something and that my mat leave would be spent with my mil (that was never going to happen!!). I actually wanted to give them the money back in cash (and would have had my husband not stopped me!). Being given money always comes with strings attached in my experience.

Best thing to have happened for you in the longer term. Otherwise, you'd have them acting as if they have some ownership of the house.

Haven't had time to read all the replies but bloody hell OP, I don't know if I could get past this at all. Not because of the money, you've already said it's not and you sound so genuine, but because they obviously want to control how you live your lives. They waiting until you'd actually accepted an offer on a house and had one accepted on one you love before they withdrew their offer? That's just so unkind.

There was a massive pond here when we moved in - DS was 18 months old. It was filled in within a week of us moving in.

It's strange that they can't be more specific than a pond. It's an awful thing to do to you without a clear explanation. Maybe it is distance away.

@nc600

"Has something happened in their life experience to make them fear open water for a little one?"

Doesn't everyone "fear open water for a little one?" That's why OP was having the pond filled in straight away.

Ridiculous amount of posters excusing this behaviour and the OP is doing it too. No wonder the elder son is keeping them at arms length

Exactly this!

Everyone fears water for a child, surely?

This is about control, pure and simple. I think you've had a lucky escape OP, this would just be the start.

I’d be fucked off and angry. I’d stay clear of them for a while because they are controlling and interfering.

www.ncfrp.org/reporting/drowning/

More toddlers die of drowning in ponds than any other accident. I bet she's convinced it will happen on day one when you're all distracted by moving in.
That's how panic / anxiety manifests itself.
She will do all she can to stop that happening.

People without anxiety can't understand, it seems.

But I just wanted to explain that I'd be pretty convinced it was that.