To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Maybe she had a scare with a pond before ? Although you said you fill it in.
Don’t take any money it’s best to keep a bit independent. Is the house perhaps not close enough to where she lives ?

She wants to pull all the strings. You are not her immediate family and must make your own decisions.
You're better off for her not giving you the money as she has no say now on the decor, whether you want to have a patio or knock down a wall to make a bigger kitchen.
Has she given you the money she would have had a say in everything you do in the house. I couldn't live with that and her reasons are risible.

As far as getting over and moving on. You have to understand that her issues are her issues she not let them become yours. Think it’s called transference ?

Had not has

Wow this is so controlling of her. Don’t take the money, even if it means buying a different house. She’ll always have this over you and that would not be a good position to put yourself in. She’d feel she could always have a say in your decisions, as though she’d bought you.

Let it go but remember.......

You sound like a really lovely and thoughtful person so I understand your initial sadness. I’m so pleased you got the house you wanted and it went smoothly. Hopefully with time MIL will relax and your relationship can get better. Enjoy making lovely memories in your nee hone.

Actually thinking about this, I think you will find it easier to get through this than she will. You are not bad parents and you know this. You don't need the money and its in your hands how much you let her (them) see your daughter.

I'm glad you found out now that the money came with strings rather than after you accepted it.

Was never going to be without strings, going by the fact you said she doesn't agree with how you live your life.

I hadn't read your original post but just wanted to say well done you. You are obviously very thoughtful and considerate. I'm sure you are doing the absolute most that anyone could do with your awkward MIL.

You sound like such a lovely person OP 💜 wishing you all the best in your new home.

Congrats!

Reading your OP, frankly that kind of behaviour from them SHOULD have changed your relationship, as it has. Try not to lose sleep over it. If they weren’t your in laws you wouldn’t give them a second thought.

It’s not about you & your choices- don’t take it personally as an attack. Sadly , it’s about your husband & his parents relationship , how they have managed to control him & his choices/ decisions in the past. They think they can still influence him ( now as a unit of him & you) , as they could before.
Ie : it’s not about you, it’s about them.

Wishing you all the best from me too!

You are right to be alert. Your daughter, your money, your choice.

Any grandparent who doesn’t sleep because of this is over-involved.

I’m sure you will monitor this carefully but be mindful that she doesn’t transfer her opinions and anxieties on to your child. It’s easily done and not necessarily consciously done either. I say this because my sister’s in-laws had an opinion on the choice of school chosen for their daughter. They offered money in order for them to change her mind (which my sister declined). They then told their granddaughter that they had wanted her to go to a much better school and felt her parents had ‘let her down’. Granddaughter then became dissatisfied with her school, this starting a few days after her grandparents had mentioned this to her. Thus resulted in a period of her refusing to engage in school and a deteriorating relationship with her parents who she believed had made a poor decision.

Children are sponges. They may believe what they are told.

I wish you all well for the future.

I'm glad you got the house that you wanted. I didn't see your thread at the time but I did think when I saw your opening post that it was more likely to be distance from her that she had a problem with than what she was claiming was the problem. That's so often what it is, but it probably would have been a pain in the neck to have lived walking distance from her.

OP, I remember your post from last summer, and I'm glad you have now moved in.

I really just wanted to say that I really, really hope I end up with a DIL who's as nice and unselfish as you appear to be. It's so, so nice to read something that doesn't involve adults "kicking off" (ugh) and acting like large toddlers. Your DD is lucky to have such lovely parents.

You mentioned a pond. Is there a reason, even one that has been hidden from you/DH, that your MIL would be excessively scared of your DD coming to harm? A death of a child in her past? Death of a friend in childhood?
If not, it’s strange to be so controlling. But I just wonder if a hidden fear is causing it.

Congratulations on the new house, OP, and THANK YOU for the update! You sound like such a fantastic person.

Controlling behaviour, and it’s unnerving as to why. I would distance myself and my daughter from them. As others have said they may try to influence your daughter if left as child minder. Hope you are ok and remember you are the parent and know your child best xx

I think, if you can, you need to 'have the chat' and say that by them doing what they've done, they've deeply offended you as a mother. Explain it's not about the money, but it's about them standing up with their own two feet saying they don't think you''re good parents. And that hurts and has destroyed what you thought was a mutually respectful relationship.
They don't need to reply. They need to know what their actions have done to you both so they can make informed choices going forwards.

If you simply distance yourselves, they will (understandably) put it down to you withdrawing because they wouldn't give you money. And declare you shallow and gold digging. Which couldn't be further from the truth by the sounds of it. At least make them understand what the issue really is. Be judged on reality.

Just read this thread for the first time and I’m so happy for you OP - congratulations on your new home!
I too have MIL issues so I completely understand what you’re going through and I’m really happy that things turned out this way for you

This is brilliant outcome to the situation OP, well done for sticking with it ending up with the house you want.

It has been a learning experience for you and I'm glad you are still on good terms with your ILs.

I'm glad the move went well and you're all happy in your lovely new house! I'd been watching your thread; thank you for the updates!

As I read your op again, I felt so sad. It reminded me of a completely different situation that I had with dh, some years ago now, but it was similar in that I felt my voice and want'/needs had been removed from a situation in which I was actually the only decision-maker. Your situation just seemed to have a very similar effect upon you - sadness more than anything and almost mourning for the previous relationship - the one where you didn't know that that person would do this. (Does that make sense?)

I wrote an email to dh describing how sad his behaviour had made me, stating clearly what it was that he had done. It made an enormous and lasting difference to the way he behaves towards me; it cut him to the quick, as there was no way he could explain his action as acceptable.

I wonder if you were to send her a letter/email describing how sad you felt at the loss of trust her behaviour has had, would that help her see how her action was unjustifiable? Maybe then she'll have the sort of epiphany my dh had?

I'm glad you're in the house! Sounds like the right thing for you and your family.

Maybe you could ask if they'd pay to have the pond filled in... Save yourself a couple of quid 🤣