To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

There’s also a huge difference between being involved and wanting to help (like @justasking111 describes with her kids)/offering the benefit of your experience (eg “be careful of a shared driveway” or whatever)....and offering your son and DIL money for a bigger house, waiting until they’ve spent lots of money and sold their own house and then pulling out without giving a really solid reason. Really poor behaviour from the in laws.

You have had a lucky escape here. Go ahead and buy the house you want without their help. Thank her for her valuable input and go ahead and make your own decisions on everything you do in your life.

Your MIL's feet are too far under your table. Stop invloving and sharing so much information with her. Stop asking her opinion on things.
She needs to focus on being a good GP and a good MIL this does not mean telling you what to do.

Great update, well done OP

Congratulations OP, hopefully you have the keys now?

On the plus side, if the house makes her that anxious, she won't be visiting often

When we had a baby put a grid over the pond was on for many years because friends had babies after us. The fish did not mind, the frogs still bonked their brains out every spring. Other friends just had their filled in. One covered it with decking with just a small area left gridded to put food in.

@YenneferOfBattenberg

I'd say lucky escape too. Refuse to engage with MIL over it if she keeps bringing it up. "MIL we accept your decision, there is nothing else to discuss on the matter" (repeat at many times as necessary until it sinks in. She sounds controlling so I think you are better off that she has shown her true colours beforehand TBH.

My parents gave us a large chunk of money to enable a move that we would have struggled with otherwise. It was given as a partial loan (we are paying back a small amount monthly) and part early inheritance. I was overjoyed at the time but my mother has made some comments since that have left me wondering if it was the right decision (things like telling other relatives that they own "part of" our house). Luckily it hasn't gone any further than annoying comments occasionally, but I do worry that it could escalate in the future.

I think this is very good advice. "MIL we accept your decision, there is nothing else to discuss on the matter" (repeat at many times as necessary until it sinks in.

Great update, OP, glad it's about to happen.

Sad about the changed relationship, but don't forget, you can only change one half of a relationship - your side!

Congrats op!

Totally agree - if they aren't going to respect that you are doing the best for your child they really shouldn't be permitted access to your child if they don't go along with your parenting choices rules and decisions - they are being passive aggressive and your child does not need that attitude around them

Personally I would move a long way away from them if I could and freeze them out - this level of control over your family can't be tolerated

Delighted that you could afford it anyway and are moving in today OP - fantastic :)

I imagine removing the pond will be an early task on the moving-in list! We got rid of ours as 18mo DS1 plunged into it a man came and removed the fish, he was very happy.....

Congratulations on completing on your house today. It's hard to understand why your in laws would object so strongly to your choice of house. I hope you absolutely love it and it's a great family home.

If funny how after you have children relationships can change so much with family you’ve know for years. We have had all sorts of nonsense from in-laws over the years. I’ve been so upset about it and now I realise that it’s par for the course of life and being polite can mask terrible relationships!!

I'm glad you got the house.
I recently had a very similar experience but a more minor issue - MiL bothering me by text about why DS shouldn't be going back to nursery after Christmas with a load of doom mongering. All "concern" but actually I think they just wanted an excuse to come and stay to be our childcare bubble.

The fact everything was sent to me, including links to news, and not DH I took as a parental criticism and I'll never feel the same. They knew DH would tell them to butt out, which he did when I started forwarding the messages.

Delighted ye were able to go ahead with it.

What a gift this was, them showing you how controlling they are and poorly they view your judgement.

Such a gift not to have to wonder, but have confirmation of this.

Her not sleeping is nothing more than an attempt to manipulate you both.

I think boundaries and a bit more distance will be good.

I would have concerns about their boundaries around your child and what might be whispered in the childs ear.

They definitely think they know better than you.

I think they have shown you clearly who they are.
Believe them.

Good luck with the move.

My Aunt and Uncle backtracked on an offer to buy their grandson (14) something and it led to a huge fallout with their own son, his wife and two children (their grandchildren) not going to my Aunt's funeral many years later

I can understand your frustration but I hope it doesn't lead to bigger things in years to come

I would step back as the fact they feel that they have a voice in this is very worrying. Only my opinion but I would move far far away.

Congratulations on your new home, I am so pleased to see that you managed to buy the house anyway. It is honestly for the best that you have done it without their help as no matter how apparently freely money is given, there are almost always strings attached. If they'd approved of this house, you may have only found out there were strings when another big decision wasn't to their liking and at that point they may have had a hold over you.

In the early years of my relationship with DH (who had long been an adult living away from home), his mother told me herself that he often complained that she interfered in his life, but as long as he accepted her money he had no right to complain. She obviously didn't think I was a serious girlfriend to have shown her cards like this, but we are still together 25 years later and I never forgot that conversation.

I too thought our relationship was good, until we bought our first house and politely refused their very kind and generous offer of a significant financial "gift" to help us buy. This did not go down well at all and over the years she frequently went behind my back offering DH money and when he declined would beg him to take it and just not tell me!! Apparently, I ruined her relationship with her son and I guess I did get in the way of her manipulating him. She never forgave me for that.

You have had a lucky escape and you did not cause the rift in your relationship with the in-laws. I would imagine you made it to 20 years without a rift, because you are easy going and have mostly let her have her way, until now.

Its not about helping you out or your daughter's welfare, it's about giving money to get control. I'd do as you want & scale back their having your child so often, as that level of control isn't healthy to be around. And the pond is easily soeted , that's such a pathetic excuse.

Oh thank you everyone for the really kind and supportive messages, I can’t believe that so many of you remembered my situation! The move went pretty smoothly yesterday and we’re in! We’re so happy and DD adores her new house.

It’s taken time to fully accept it but those who mentioned it all being about control are totally right. She wants to control where we live (and I think was harbouring a little fantasy that we would eventually move to be a couple of streets away from her). I do focus on MIL by the way because FIL has made it quite clear he is on our side and has tried his best to talk her round.

A few months ago I suggested quite frankly that MIL should seek support with her mental health but she feels there’s nothing to be done and it’s ‘too late’ for her which is quite sad really.

I’m comfortable with the level of childcare they provide. I know some will find that hard to understand but despite this issue I still love them very much and they have always gone above and beyond for us and our DD in many ways. I’m happy that our DD is safe in their care and also conscious that it’s not so long until she’s in school and will naturally see much less of them.

Thank you again the everyone who shared their advice and their own experiences, I’m very aware that many of you understood this situation so quickly and clearly because you’ve experienced similar things yourself and I’m sorry for that.

I didn’t see your thread the first time around, but glad you’ve made the decision that’s best for you and your family. It does sound like MIL has some control issues and possibly fairly high anxiety. She needs some help I think. But none of that is your problem. Enjoy your new home!

It’s very very controlling and pretty horrible if them tbh. It will take you a while to move past it but I think it’s important to maintain business as usual with them. Basically they want to feel like it matters. If you show them it doesn’t and you’ve moved on you win.

Just saw you bought he house anyway - hurrah!!!

Enjoy your new home OP! I have had a few bumps with my MIL too, it is what it is and I refuse to dwell on it :)

I remember the thread, am very pleased for you, and can only add my words of support because based on what you have written, I cannot think of even one thing you might have done better.