Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried this will change our relationship

492 replies

topandtailem · 26/08/2020 08:45

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 19/02/2021 10:40

Good luck in your lovely new home OP.
Also want to say that ponds are wonderful for children to watch and fantastic for wildlife - my dds learnt to lie on their tummies to look into water from when they were very small, but if a pond is a concern with tinies then you can get great sturdy grid mesh pond covers, that allows all the benefits and beauty of a pond, but means little children can’t fall in.

FetchezLaVache · 19/02/2021 10:41

The thing about her apparently still not sleeping (probably a load of bollocks) would I’m afraid provoke me to say “mmm, I’d not sleep again if I’d tried that move either”

@MzHz brutal but brilliant! Grin Grin

1WayOrAnother2 · 19/02/2021 10:42

Glad to read that your house went through and all is well on that. (Congratulations)

It isn't surprising that there has been a change in your relationships - this not your fault and it isn't about the money itself. In some ways it is just about knowledge of how things are. (Ignorance was bliss - but risky!)

You are now aware that your PIL don't completely trust you to have your child's interests at heart. This is not something you knew before and it does change how you feel about them - of course.

Since they suddenly backed out and let you down at the last minute on something very important to you... I expect that you are more reluctant to rely on them for other things (like childcare) now and that you won't build your life on promises they make. You don't trust them as far. This change is also perfectly reasonable and based on new knowledge.

Well done on your responses. It is good to read of a true partnership in marriage too.

Biftekomama · 19/02/2021 10:53

I love it when people come back to update, so thank you OP! And happy new house day, I'm so glad you got it in the end.

Very wise words from @DownUdderer , your MIL is being very manipulative right now, and will never see herself as the unreasonable one. Even if she still wasn't sleeping over this, what is her motivation for telling you that, if not to make you feel guilty?

YoniAndGuy · 19/02/2021 10:59

Well they overplayed their hand didn't they!

I wouldn't even tell MIL when you fill in the pond. A cool 'Oh that was filled in ages ago. We said we'd do that at the time.' and make sure that they are conspicuous by their absence when it comes to any future family decisions.

Patronising, controlling - totally inappropriate. It's changed your relationship because it damn well should - it shows you just how presumptuous they are when it comes to the say they think they should have in your lives.

I would be making sure - partly by not even bothering to comment on MIL's 'sleeplessness' - that they know just how much they will now be frozen out from knowing what's going on in your family.

LuaDipa · 19/02/2021 11:38

Lovely update and congratulations on the new home!

We had a pond in our last home that we intended to fill in but kept for many years as they left their Koi Carp behind and ds loved them. We had a made to measure welded grid fitted so ds couldn’t fall in and didn’t leave him alone in the garden. When the fish died off we went ahead and had it filled. A pond doesn’t equal irresponsible parenting!!

Your dmil’s anxiety is her own issue and she shouldn’t be trying to put that on you. I agree with pp’s that it is manipulative. My dmil tries this nonsense and the reply is usually laughter following by ‘Why on earth would you be worrying about that?’. The kids also do it now which I find hilarious, only because she isn’t actually anxious at all, she just wants her own way and everyone else gives in when she does this.

justasking111 · 19/02/2021 11:51

Ooh, I would personally forget about it, they are invested, grandparents often are. Squirming a bit here. DIL and son nearly bought a house it was one of those leasehold ones, where we had heard the rates kept going up and the leaseholder did bugger all. I kept my eye on rightmove, one house kept popping up was on the market for ages, very dated but with good bones. Trouble was the price was way over their budget with stamp duty.

Said well lets just go an look at it. Well apart from dodgy decor think seventies the house had good bones, great garden, right area for schools. I said put in a daft offer at the stamp duty limit but offer to buy all the carpets, curtains, anything left separately, it was an estate sale. The executors said absolutely fine, so they got the house. I guess I was interfering, but the leasehold thing blew up in the press and the mortgage advisor said they would have been turned down anyway for the other house.

Schools and garden space are so important, especially with covid rumbling on that @topandtailem has made the right decision. Her MIL might be thinking of the days when all schools were apparently equal so you sent your kids to the nearest one. Those days are in the past.

Best of luck in your new home.

littleloopylou · 19/02/2021 11:53

That's great, OP Smile

MrsToadlike · 19/02/2021 12:00

Well done OP and hope moving goes smoothly.

You've seen your MIL's true colours but you've acted with integrity throughout (and your OH too). So any change in the relationship with your MIL is solely down to her and her actions.

Best wishes for the future and to reiterate a PP's post: people can't ruin what they don't know!

(I'd love to know why your BIL keeps his parents at arms length, I bet there's a story there...)

MrsBrunch · 19/02/2021 12:01

You also have covid as an excuse not to have them over straight away.

BingBongToTheMoon · 19/02/2021 12:16

Oooh exciting!

Viviennemary · 19/02/2021 12:17

Why doesn't she think it's a suitable house. If I was helping somebody out financially I wouldn't want them to make a bad choice.

Brefugee · 19/02/2021 12:21

I was so hoping when i saw this pop up again that the OP had come back with an update.

Congrats on the new house OP - are you keeping the pond? As for the ILs - meh. I have mine at very very long arm's length and it's better that way.

5zeds · 19/02/2021 12:24

Yay! I think I would always think about it as,

MIL was fine to be anxious about our choice, but trying to use money to bully and control other people’s lives was horrible. There can be no excuse for that, “I know what’s best for your daughter so you must not live anywhere I don’t approve” is not ok.

I think you can go on and make a happy family together but it’s probably best to be very clear your family decisions aren’t hers to veto.

notalwaysalondoner · 19/02/2021 12:28

This is awful... so glad it worked out for you OP. Sounds like MIL's anxiety is getting the better of her - it's not normal to not be able to sleep because your DS and DIL are moving house 5 mins further away and it has a pond. I'd encourage her to get help and in the meantime accept she has some mental health problems, continue to assert your independence, and well done you for supporting her relationship with your DD - so many people here immediately insist no contact is the only way forward.

itallworkedouthorribly · 19/02/2021 12:31

I think she's probably anxious because something is happening that she tried unsuccessfully to stop and that loss of control is just anxiety inducing for her, especially if you haven't introduced boundaries with her before.

MintyCedric · 19/02/2021 12:34

Congratulations on your new home!

I remember your thread although can't recall if I posted on it.

My ex-MIL was an absolute nightmare for interfering with decisions around what we did with our marital home and my XH let her get away with it. It's great that yours has his priorities in order and hopefully once your IL's see you all settled and happy they will realise you absolutely made the right decision for your family.

jackstini · 19/02/2021 12:46

Really pleased for your outcome - happy completion day!

Okokokbear · 19/02/2021 13:01

I read your op and then realised it was a few months old. But my initial reaction was this will effect the relationship. Sorry to see it has. But this is their fault nor yours. They sound wildly controlling especially mil losing sleep! Ffs.

I think what they did was really horrible obviously they are in their rights to not give you money. But it's really unkind to let you go through hunting for a house and put an offer in then withdraw. If they wanted to have input they should have said from the start.

It would take me a very long time for me to get over feeling like they didn't think I knew what was best for my family. So you're not being petty or unreasonable to feel hurt by this.

Good luck with the purchase and move!

GreenlandTheMovie · 19/02/2021 13:05

While I do sympathise with people who suffer from anxiety and will go out of my way to accommodate them, I draw the line where they use anxiety as an excuse for bad behaviour. Your PIL have behaved appallingly, and if they can't see that the result of their own actions is to be excluded from their own childrens' lives, then they are fools.

Well done for sticking to your guns and buying the house you liked, and enjoy the feeling of being PIL-influence free, which is something money can't buy.

2bazookas · 19/02/2021 13:11

Well, I wish my children had benefited from our very experienced advice on property purchase. It would have saved them a great deal of totally predictable bother.

The PILS must have some strong opinions for refusal; my advice is to think very carefully about whatever reasons they have put forward. Just in case they really are trying to save you from a Big Mistake.

If you;re quite sure there's no grain of truth in their reasons, then at least you have the satisfaction of complete autonomy with no financial ties. If that's the case, then put this behind you and all move ahead.

My kids completely missed out on the whole grandparent relationship. Your DC seems to have struck gold so treasure and preserve that loving relationship for her if you possibly can.

OhCaptain · 19/02/2021 13:13

@2bazookas

Well, I wish my children had benefited from our very experienced advice on property purchase. It would have saved them a great deal of totally predictable bother.

The PILS must have some strong opinions for refusal; my advice is to think very carefully about whatever reasons they have put forward. Just in case they really are trying to save you from a Big Mistake.

If you;re quite sure there's no grain of truth in their reasons, then at least you have the satisfaction of complete autonomy with no financial ties. If that's the case, then put this behind you and all move ahead.

My kids completely missed out on the whole grandparent relationship. Your DC seems to have struck gold so treasure and preserve that loving relationship for her if you possibly can.

🙄🙄🙄 all that wisdom and you can’t read a thread.

OP bought the house already.

billybagpuss · 19/02/2021 13:15

Good luck in your new home and I hope your moving day is less rainy than it is here.

billybagpuss · 19/02/2021 13:16

Good luck in your new home, at least with covid you have time to settle in before they may visit

GreenlandTheMovie · 19/02/2021 13:23

@2bazookas

Well, I wish my children had benefited from our very experienced advice on property purchase. It would have saved them a great deal of totally predictable bother.

The PILS must have some strong opinions for refusal; my advice is to think very carefully about whatever reasons they have put forward. Just in case they really are trying to save you from a Big Mistake.

If you;re quite sure there's no grain of truth in their reasons, then at least you have the satisfaction of complete autonomy with no financial ties. If that's the case, then put this behind you and all move ahead.

My kids completely missed out on the whole grandparent relationship. Your DC seems to have struck gold so treasure and preserve that loving relationship for her if you possibly can.

Mmmn, not great attention to detail. The PIL didn't want the OP to buy the house because of the existence of a pond. A pond can be easily filled in or covered. I'm also extremely experienced in property matters, and I would never recommend someone withdrawing from a house purchase due to the existence of a pond. Its a level of nit picking which is unrealistic in the property market and hardly akin to rising damp, or access problems.

How sad that you aren't in touch with your own grandchildren...